~*~ Mail Bag ~*~

I know, I know, I haven’t posted in ages! My bad. Mea culpa, mea culpa. I’ve been going through a tough time lately, just having a hard time sticking to being healthy. Sure I’m trying, but only half-assed, you know what I mean. So I’ve been having myself a little pity party lately, falling into that stupid cycle again of feeling bad, eating more, feeling worse, eating more, feeling even worse..... and so forth. But something made me realize what I had fallen back into. I opened up my email this morning and got a really delightful message. Shelley wrote me a great honest story about an experience she had while clothes shopping. Just reading her story today was enough to snap me out it. Anyway, I thought I’d share her story and my response with you all. As I explained to Shelley, I really don’t think you all realize the impact you have on me too!

Hello!

I know you haven’t updated the blog since January so I don't even know if you will even read this, but I feel like I want to email you and tell you my story and profess my love for your blog.

I stumbled upon your blog about 4 or 5 months ago at like 11 at night and I ended up reading the whole thing, in its entirety, start to finish and was up for a long time reading every post while my boyfriend lay in bed. I was smiling, agreeing, laughing, and crying. I couldn't stop! I haven’t read anything like your blog, ever. I have browsed many a book by overweight women and find myself not able to really relate to them because for some reason or another I don’t feel like its very real, but your blog is the most real thing I can imagine. Thank you so much for writing from a legit perspective.

I am 23 years old, 5'4 and about 250 pounds. I have almost always been kind of heavy, and it is no doubt in my mind that I suffer from some sort of Compulsive Overeating disorder. I love to eat! I ritualize it and honor food. Either way, I am a lucky girl because I have a great boyfriend who isn’t one of those creepy BBW admirers and is really supportive and understanding and truly likes a bigger lady. ANYHOW, that wasn’t the point of my letter; I wanted to share with you my eye opening moment when I realized that I could do something with what I have always thought of as my fat, shapeless body.

I have always been super self conscious about my clothes. I can never find anything that fits so I resort to black band t-shirts and jeans and flip flops pretty much all the time. I know, that I look terrible, but I feel like its okay to do in t-shirts and that wearing black will somehow slim me down. So, one day I stumbled upon Torrid in the mall, I am sure you know what Torrid is, and if not, boy are you in for a pleasant surprise. Well, it’s a modern plus size clothing store that isn’t too tacky but can be a little lame at times. So, I went inside and was blown away by the amount of cute clothing in bigger sizes so I started picking up things to try on. I was in my usual attire and the girls at the desk were those super proud fat girls with a lot of sass who are exponentially cooler than I am. I went into the dressing room and came out in a little outfit I picked out that look okay. The girl was waiting outside the dressing room for me and as I looked in the mirror I sighed and said "nothing fits!" The girl just gave me a blank stare and said "I think it looks pretty good" to which I gave the standard response "it makes me look fat". The girls at the counter kind of looked back as they heard my declaration and the girl standing there said "well, you ARE fat." I was so confused. Did she really just say that? Is she fucking crazy? She's much bigger than me, why is she insulting me? "What???" I said. "You ARE fat. I know, it’s hard to hear, but someone had to tell me too." At this point I had no idea what to do, I was frozen with humiliation. "You're a big girl, and that’s okay, don’t be scared of it, that won’t do you any good. You have to embrace it and learn to dress accordingly. Those jeans you were wearing when you came in, what size are they?" she asked. I told her they were an 18 and she shook her head. "You are trying on size 18 jeans but they don’t fit you. You aren't a size 18, you are a 20, is it that hard to admit that? Holding on to that size 18 in your head doesn’t make you any skinnier, neither does that disgusting t-shirt that is way too small. No one can see the labels on your clothes, so even though in your head you are wearing an XL shirt and 18 jeans and you feel a few pounds lighter, to them you are just a fat girl in clothes that don’t fit. Try on a bigger shirt and a pair of 20s" Reluctantly and still a little shell shocked I let her show me to the bigger jeans and some daring tops that I would have never picked out for myself. To my surprise, when I put on the jeans they fit like a glove, perfect around my waist, I didn't have to suck my stomach in all the way to get them on and they didn’t tuck my fat in and cut off my circulation, I was impressed and the shirt showed a lot of cleavage but surprisingly, took the attention off my stomach and damn, I must say, I looked good. I came out and the girls at the desk clapped. They threw me in a pair of kitten heels to elongate my body and a new bra and sent me packing. I felt rejuvenated, just as I did after reading your blog.

Thanks for everything you said on there. It helped me find comfort in myself.

Shelley M.


Hi Shelley,

Yes it has been so long since I've posted on my blog. I guess you can say I've been in a bit of a slump. I lost 70 pounds over the course of about a year and a half and now I'm stuck in some holding pattern, my weight not budging. And this has gotten me down.

Thank you for emailing me. Your honest story about the clothes was great. And I know about Torrid - LOVE it! The whole thing about realizing - yes, I am fat - can be painful. But I find now when I look in the mirror after picking out some outfit that might not be the most flattering, and I say to myself, "OMG, I look fat!" Then I pause, look again, and say, "well, you are fat, get over it." It definitely takes a healthy dose of acceptance of our current fat bodies, before we can muster up the gusto to try to lose weight. It's kind of an oxymoron. You have to hate your fat enough to do something about it, but at the same time you have to love yourself enough to want to do it. It's tricky and complicated.

I just wanted to thank you again for your email. I've been stuck in this rut, and I must say your email made me smile and shook me out of my funk a bit. I am fat, so what? I don't like being fat, so I'll do something about. I just have to keep chanting this mantra. I think I've been stuck feeling sorry for my fat body lately, letting myself slip back into that "I'm fat, woe is me, now give me something to eat" mentality. Thanks for giving me a little jolt!

I think what people don't realize is that it's comments and emails like yours that totally help motivate me. I get a lot of thank yous from people saying how much I've helped them stay motivated, but really it works both ways! Thanks for sharing your story! We all need to find a way to feel comfortable in our own skins. Only then can we truly be ourselves!

Thanks again!

Jenny
AKA karaokekitty @ 101 Reasons I Hate Being Fat

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