#80 - I hate the way I feel in clothes

I remember a time when I had favorite clothes, you know the ones, that favorite pair of jeans or that favorite sweater that made you feel good to wear them. When I was young, I had this favorite sun dress that made me feel amazing every time I put it on. I can remember all the details of it, a pretty white knee-length dress with a purple ribbon belt and prowling purple jaguar across the skirt (OK, give me a break, it was the early 80's). I felt like a princess every time I wore it. I had fun finding shoes and hats to match. It was fun and made me feel so pretty. But now I don't seem to have any favorite clothes, in fact, I pretty much hate all my clothes. I hate the way they look, I hate the size they are, I hate the style, but most of all I hate the way I feel in them. A long time ago I stopped shopping for the clothes I liked, and started shopping for the clothes I needed. The styles available to heavy people are, in my opinion, quite limited. Sure, some clothiers are rebellious and offer trendy styles, but usually this is a total disaster. Come on, baby doll sleeves on a 300 pound woman? Please. And how many of you like baring your midriff in shortie shirts? Not me. So for quite a few years I have found myself in long pants and tunic-like shirts, usually in some figure hiding dark shade. So I pretty much have a wardrobe of long black shirts. Haha. I'm not ambitious about my clothes at all anymore. I used to love shopping for trendy new clothes and trying new things, but no more. I head straight to the long t-shirts and jeans, which never seem to let me down.

But what gets me so much about being fat is that I am just not comfortable in my clothes at all. I always find myself tugging at my shirts, feeling exposed all the time. Don't get me wrong, my clothes fit me and all, they just don't make me feel good. I'm always thinking my tummy is showing, or my butt is too big, or something stupid like this. I know a lot of this is about confidence, it always comes back to that. But you know the saying, "the clothes make the man." And if your clothes don't make you feel good, it makes you feel bad about yourself. A great outfit can lift your confidence through the roof. But what if you're never feel comfortable in your own clothes? You never get that extra boost of confidence. I've had friends tell me it's all about the tailoring, that you need to have clothes altered to your exact shape and size for a perfect fit. OK, who has the money to have ALL of their clothes altered? I sure don't. I'm an off the rack kind of gal, as I think most people are. But honestly, is a perfectly tailored shirt gonna make me feel so much better? I really don't think so. You know, it's not about the clothes... it's about the fat. You can dress me head to toe in haute couture, but I'm still gonna be fat. I just don't think I'll ever feel good in clothes until I lose some more weight.

Mini update time... Some of you have been asking how my weight loss has been going. I was doing really great there for a bit, consistently losing weight, but that seems to have come to a halt. I'm blaming it on a 10 pound weight loss at the end of July. I keep telling myself my body is just adjusting to the change. Maybe, who knows. But despite the plateau I'm still plugging away, working on making good choices in what I eat, trying not to over eat. I still have given up on TV, which has helped me to give up much of my previous mindless eating. Despite my best efforts, ok maybe not my BEST efforts, but my efforts none the less, I've been hanging out at 256 for about a month now. I just keep telling myself that at least I'm not gaining. I've gotten really good at stabilizing, and damn, that's half the battle. I mean, what good is it if you lose a ton of weight, but can't keep it off? OK raise your hand if you have lost a bunch of weight only to gain it back again. Yup, me too. So even though I'm on another plateau, I still see it as a victory. And I always think back to my highest weight and think that 256 feels A LOT better than 315... damn that's 59 pounds down! And I know that if I keep positive, keep working at it, and never give up, eventually I will lose the weight. I don't even think of it as "if" I lose the weight anymore, now I think of it as "when" I lose the weight. I know we're all looking for that overnight pill that will miraculously make us thin in the morning, but that's just not gonna happen. I think a big part of trying to lose a lot of weight is patience, being able to stick to it as your body slowly adapts to the changes. Honestly, you're not gonna lose weight every week, or every month for that matter, what is important is that you keep losing and keep it off over time. And I know, one of these days, I'm going to start to feel comfortable in my own clothes again, and I'll find another favorite piece clothing that makes me feel amazing every time I slip into it. Guess I'll have to keep my eyes open for a white sun dress with a purple jaguar on it, just kidding.