#15 - Feeling Sexy

This post ties in with my last one (#14 - Dating). Being fat, I'm not sexy like I used be. I feel like I have this sexy vixen trapped inside me, but this fat body keeps me from acting on my emotions. When I was thinner (in high school) I used to be a real sexy babe, with guys chasing after me. Now, I still feel the same inside, only I don't get the same attention I used from guys. I spend so much time worrying about my appearance and telling myself I look awful. As a result (from feeling bad about it) I don't spend much time making myself look pretty, like primping my hair and wearing make-up. I've gotten to the point where I don't think it matters - no one's looking anyway, right?

So I had surgery three weeks ago (to remove a medical implant that was causing a lot of problems and chronic illness). I'm starting to feel a lot better now. For the past year I've been so sick that I didn't care about what I ate - I ate everything I wanted to make me feel better. While it helped me cope, it also helped me gain 75 pounds in a little over a year. Yikes!!! Two years ago I had lost 68 pounds - so I know I can lose it again. I just need to start again.

It is so hard to start up a new diet. I have so many excuses. I feel like I have to wait until after the holidays (like Memorial Day), or start on a Monday or a new month or whatever. Yes I can start a diet plan mid-week - why is this so hard to do? So anyway, I now I'm at my highest weight again, and I desperately need to start a new program. Because of my surgery I can't exercise for another three weeks (it was abdominal surgery and my surgeon doesn't want me to risk a hernia). So again, another excuse not to start.

I planned to go back to Weight Watchers this month, but money is really tight and I can't afford it now. So I'm on my own. I've been on virtually every diet known to man - so I do know how to eat right - I just need to do it! Back when I lost the most weight two years ago, I wasn't even on a plan - I just wrote down everything I ate and kept my calories between 1500-1800, and was able to shed about 2-3 pounds a week. My goal this week is to start a new eating plan and stick to it!