#95 - Denial...

I hate that sometimes I have no clue. Does this sound familiar?

Those cookies won't be THAT bad for me.
A third helping of dinner? I was hungry!
250 pounds? That's not THAT bad I suppose.
I look fine in these jeans/shirt/skirt/dress/shorts.
These pants aren't THAT tight.
I'm not THAT unhealthy.
I walk around every day. I guess that's exercise.
My sore knees aren't from the weight. Everyone has aches and pains.
I'll start my diet tomorrow/next week/next month/at New Years.
Ice cream counts towards my daily dairy intake.
Cheetos have cheese in them. That's healthy.
I'm big boned.
Obesity runs in my family. I can't help it.

Something really got me thinking about denial... My bathroom scale. I've devoted whole posts about my bathroom scale and the love/hate relationship I have with it. Right now, I'm loving it. It tells me wonderful things about myself. I'm losing weight. But what truly is my weight? (Denial time) As you can see from my stats I started at 315 and now I'm down to 243. Yes, I have lost 72 pounds. There is no arguing that. But how accurate is the scale? Not very accurate actually. I went to the doctor a couple weeks ago to be reminded of JUST how inaccurate my scale is. I know the scale is TOTALLY off. But hell, it keeps me motivated to see the smaller number. Denial? You betcha! At the doctors office my weight was about 30 pounds higher. Sure I can probably account for 5 pounds in jeans and a little higher day time weight... but the other 25 pounds? Denial. My scale even has a nickname... The magic scale. Because it magically makes you light as air! Should I get a new scale and actually come to terms with the fact that I'm REALLY 25 pounds heavier? Hmmm... good question. Seeing 243 does motivate me to continue. What would seeing 268 do to my psyche? Would I be so bummed, like I had actually gained the weight back or something? That is the fear. So the denial continues. Like I said before, there is no arguing... I've lost 72 pounds! That is still something! So really my highest weight was more like 340. And I'm still losing. But to continue with the magic scale or face reality? I'm always talking about confidence, and how important it is. What will seeing my weight 25 pounds higher do to my confidence? I know it's not all about some dumb number, but we always seem to come back to it. I kind of feel like Samson. My magic scale is like Samson's confidence building hair. I'm afraid of what will happen when I cut the magic scale out of my life and see the TRUE weight. Gulp. I told my little tale to one of my doctors. He just laughed and said to keep the scale, so what if it was inaccurate, at least it was showing weight loss and that was what was important. Maybe it's ok. I suppose he's right. The weight loss is all that matters. And I do know that once I reach my "goal" it wont truly be my goal. I'll have 25 pounds more to go. I'm definitely not in denial about that. I think I've dealt with most of my fat denial issues except this one. Maybe once I've gotten rid of the magic scale and faced the truth, then I'll truly be past all the denial. But for now? Well... It's not THAT much denial... I'm 243 pounds. *smiles* Yeah right, that's the ticket!


Anonymous said...

Ah but the thing is, even though the scale at your doctors office weighs you 25lbs more... that means in actuality your 'start' weight was 25lbs more.

Realise the downside of this is that you were/are heavier than you thought.

Plus side? No one can take those 72lbs lost away from you! No matter what your start weight is you're still 72lbs down! :)

(I love the title of your post btw - my username on a forum is denialisnthappiness - I felt it summed things up nicely)

108lbs lost
260lbs to 152lbs in 18 months :)

Anonymous said...

Honestly? I'd stick with the "magic scale" if it were me because I know seeing a higher, even if accurate number, would be too much for me. 72lbs is AMAZING!

Anonymous said...

Just found your blog. You're doing great. It's really an inspiration to see other people lose weight. I need the encouragement.

Anonymous said...

You lost 72lbs! Wow! "Bells and whistles" There is no denial you have made lots of progress! Way to go you!

NyteRayn said...

I think real denial might be taking the doctor's scale start weight (340) and then using your "today" weight from your home scale (243) and trying to convince yourself that you lost over 100 pounds.

72 pounts is 72 pounds- and however you want to celebrate that (by using the home scale) is fine- as long as you keep moving forward.

Don't you think we all celebrate being a size 12/14 at Lane Bryant- knowing full well thats a 22 or higher (or even worse, XXXL) in a "normal" store?

I figure as long as I'm losing- I get to feel good about myself. You should too.

~Denise~ said...

I just found your blog, kudos to you for losing 72lbs!

I agree with the previous commentors that 72lbs is 72lbs. It had to suck big time to jump on the doc's scale and see that difference, and I'd freak out myself. But I know I try to pay attention to my scale at home since that's what I use regularly.

Best wishes to you in reaching your goals!!

Anonymous said...

Hey! I have been reading your blog for a while now. Congrats on losing 72 pounds!!! To put it in perspective, that's 252,000 calories worth of work you did so congrats!!!!

I just wanted to make a quick comment on your "Fat Acceptance" post. First off, I applaud you for being totally honest and admitting that being extremely fat is in fact unhealthy. Too many people are under the impression that what is typical is also Ok. It is NOT Ok.

BTW, I am female, 5'7 who used to weigh over 200 lbs and now am under 130.

You are an inspiration to many! Keep it up!!!!

Anonymous said...

And as for the list of excuses, I used to make exactly the same ones. It is a matter of finally deciding that you deserve so much better than lies and empty promises!

Christa said...

72 lbs is AMAZING. As long as the scale keeps going down, why bother with a new one?

Catherine said...

I agree with the other commenters: either way, you have lost 72 lbs., which is awesome! That is the number that really matters. Congratulations!

Anonymous said...

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Anonymous said...

That's great! Well done for losing that much!

I would personally buy a new scale but I wouln't just buy any scale. I've recently bought a new weightwatchers scale that shows your body fat and water percentages. It is important to lose weight but remember you don't want to be losing muscle so these kind of scales (although not extremely accurate) do show where the loss is coming from. You should be losing fat not muslce.

Hope this helps.

Rachie said...

I've put some of my weight back on and I'm not looking forward to getting on the scales. I thought up a brilliant plan: setting the scale to kilos. That way I'll have a new starting point and, unless I do the math, I won't know exactly how many pounds I'll have to lose again.

Of course, I haven't actually put the plan into action... ;)

Felicia said...

The doctors scales are not always "perfectly accurate" either lol so I say pick a scale you like and go with that. I think someone else recommend a WW scale. I have one also. LOVE IT! Mine is just a basic one though, no fancy numbers =0)just the poundage lol.

Congrats on how much you have lost. That really is awesome!

Enjoyed reading your blog. Truly inspiring!!

Have a wonderful day!

Anonymous said...

You are doing absolutely amazing! Don't forget that! No matter what the real number is.

I, personnaly, would get a new scale though. You already *know* the truth. Everytime you step on your "magic" scale, you are going to add 25 pounds in your head anyways. I know that would make me upset to see one number, get excited, then get hit with the reality that its just fluff.

Nothing good ever comes out of denial. Accept where you are, and keep working towards a better you! Obviously, you can do it! You have lost 72 pounds!!! Thats amazing! SO I suggest biting the bullet and start being honest with yourself. You already know the truth. It might suck at first, but I have the feeling, it will be like a huge weight lifted off your shoulder (no pun inteneded!) =)
Good Luck

Anonymous said...

I just found your blog last night when i was searching yahoo for something completely different. You got me hooked! I stayed up for hours reading your stories and just finished reading your last post. Keep at it girl! You have come so far!

Anonymous said...

Can't you keep Magic Scale for now? I know it would be much arder for me to "gain" 25 pound when I had 100 to go as opposed to when I had 1 to go. Wait and buy a new scale next year.

Anonymous said...

I have just discovered this blog, and it's exactly what I need right now, because I am bummed I have gained nearly 30 pounds since meeting and marrying wonderful hubby. Mine tonight was "it's just this tiny piece of pecan pie." Which was delicious, by the way. But I had lost 50 pounds before meeting him in March 2007 - I don't want to gain it all back, and here I have gained 27 already!

I will be reading, absorbing, and attempting to do less mouse potatoing myself. :-)

Jem said...

I think when you are hungry and your body is craving food, it is much easier for people to give into their feelings rather than their 'common sense'. People are beings of feeling. Afterall, hunger is a survival instinct and a very strong one, thats why it can be so difficult to lose weight!



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