9.26.2007

#83 - I hate feeling ugly or androgynous

In my daily life I walk around feeling pretty feminine. I like to do things to make me look prettier like wear nice clothes, do my nails, that kind of thing. But the fatter I got, I started doing those things less and less, until one day I didn't feel very feminine anymore. One day I turned into a sexless blob. I would look into the mirror and just see fat. There wasn't a girl looking back at me, just an androgynous mass. I really hate that about being fat! But inside I was still a girl, still a person wanting to be attractive, wanting to find someone that would love me. The fat made me feel so ugly. Whatever potential for beauty I had was smothered away by the pounds. I just hate that what I feel on the inside doesn't match what others see on the outside. I used to be pretty, I used to feel feminine, I used to be sexy, I used to be a girl. What happened? When did this happen? How did this happen? I really feel like I lost myself as I gained the weight. And only now, after losing over 60 pounds, am I starting to see a glimmer of the girl I once was. I just don't want to feel ugly anymore, because I know I am not ugly, it's the fat that is ugly, unfairly disguising the real me. And with every pound I lose I am starting to feel more feminine again. I'm starting to care more about the things girly-girls care about again: clothes, hair, nails, skin, etc.

There probably is something truly biologic that happens to our bodies as we get fat, why we feel androgynous. I know that as you get fat your hormones go all out of whack. Some obese women even have difficulty conceiving because of the fat. So I guess there is a biologic reason why we start to feel so blah as we get fat. It's not just a self-esteem thing, something just in our heads. But I'm sick of feeling that way. And I think the feelings I'm having now, feeling more feminine, are not only due to losing weight and feeling better mentally, but also because of major hormonal changes going on in my body. I know for a fact my hormones were crazy at my heaviest. I used to have irregular periods, even skipping some months. But now as I lose weight, my cycle is completely regular again, everything seems to have settled back into a normal rhythm. It's funny, but as I lose weight even my skin is starting to feel different. My skin feels so soft lately. Maybe it's because my skin is not being stretched so much or maybe it's the hormones, I can't be sure of which, but it's gotten so baby soft making me feel even more feminine lately. It's very motivating, to actually feel different as I lose weight. With each pound lost I can see changes. It makes me want to keep going, to work harder at it, knowing that someday I will be that pretty girl again.

16 comments:

Natalie said...

There is always so, so much truth in your posts - I love reading this blog :)

When I was at my heaviest, I really didn't want to do anything to draw more attention to myself - I neglected my skin and hair, and I didn't wear nice clothes (I think part of me thought I didn't deserve them, and part of me just wasn't confident enough). But, as I've lost weight, I've started to take care of myself a bit better - and it's odd, because for the first time in my adult life, I'm able to be girly and feminine without feeling like I'm pretending.

I know where you're coming from :)

Chubby Chick said...

Awww... I just looked at your progress pics... and you have ALWAYS been pretty! But I know how you feel. And most of the time we are way too hard on ourselves! I'm so glad you are feeling better about yourself now. :)

I've only lost 23 pounds so far... but I'm already looking forward to wearing prettier, more feminine clothes. And it's been a long time since I've worn sexy high heels... so I am REALLY looking forward to that! My hubby has only seen me in a dress on a few occasions. So I'm anxious to finally get to dress up for him. Most of the time, my daily attire at home consists of black sweats and black t-shirts. Yuck! I can't wait to throw them all away! lol

Just wanted to let you know you're not alone! And keep up the good work! :)

Hanlie said...

I'm one of those fat infertiles... It sucks! For now I have to forget about conceiving and concentrate on losing weight and getting fit. A little pre-conception planning goes a long way...
My skin is also feeling softer, after only a short while of working out and eating healthy, but then again, I eat to balance my endocrine system!
Chubby Chick, you're right! My husband only knows me as fat. He's in for a surprise!!! I'll start saving up for all the ginseng he's going to need!

Trina said...

Your posts are amazing, I think that is exactly what every heavy girl thinks like!! I too have problems when I get heavier. Right now at about 200 lbs, I don't even get a period. But I gotta tell you at 160 lbs, I got a period, omg, it was painfull!! But the part about not being able to conceive is thought about every day, and I have a husband..who weighs 380 lbs, so I wonder...even if I lost the weight...would there still be any chance of conceiving..wish he would try to lose weight too!!
BTW, I lived without my husband for over a year, and took off 95 lbs. Now I have lived with him again for 7 months, and put back on 55 lbs. Sucks!!!

fatgirlalice said...

i love reading your posts too. I've gone back and read a lot of your older entries and i'm left laughing and crying the whole way through (well, not really crying but you know what i mean).

just today a few of my friends were talking about being approached by sleezy french men when they're sitting alone at a cafe. i made the mistake of letting them know no one has ever approached me at a cafe...my friends turn to me as if about to say something but realized it would be insulting so they didn't.

i knew what they were thinking though. they classified me into that asexual category where they don't even consider me as candidates for male attention. it's sad when you know that there are 2 categories that friends fall into - 1) those you can talk about sex with and 2) those you can't either b/c they're ultra conservative or you just don't see them as sexual. apparently i fall in the 2nd. me and my androgynous self.

Lyn said...

I have felt the same way!! As I lose weight, I wear less huge baggy clothing. I do my hair. I do my nails! Heck I even bought myself a new bracelet because it was cute and girly! And I have only lost 18 pounds so far. Keep on going girl, you are inspirational!!

honib1 said...

I can really relate to what you say.. and what you say is raw and painful.. but true... please though..see the beautiful you... and see all of your hard work...

Urban Chick said...

I second your emotion. Many a times I have felt androgynous and sexless. It's amazing what little changes can do for you.
I still have a bit to go to reach my goal size of Misses 12/14 at Banana Republic (right now I'm a LB 22)...but starting to do the little things is making me feel a lot better.

Minke said...

I know even a small change (I've lost only 24.6 lbs so far... my goal is 200) has made a difference for me both physically and emotionally. My hair looks GREAT and is finally growing out thick and full. I feel more energetic, and have even started thinking about sex again (can I admit that on your forum?) before I was all about the fat, now I'm seeing the woman emerging from it, and it's GREAT:)

Amy said...

I know exactly how you feel.

When I weighed 274.5 pounds, I felt like a big, sexless blob. My mom even commented that I came across as asexual. I felt ugly and disgusting, and I was very down on myself.

I am currently at 227.4 pounds. I'm not at my goal weight of 175 pounds yet, but I have gone from a size 26/28 to a 14/16. (I'm 5'10".) I feel sexy, gorgeous, beautiful, feminine, and I truly love myself and how I look, even if I still have a little over 50 pounds left to lose. And while I'm still not getting asked out by guys (I've never had a boyfriend), I have gotten much more attention from them, and I know a lot of it has to do with me feeling so good about myself and being happy with how I look. I stopped my lifelong nail-biting habit, and I'm learning to apply nail polish. I wear clothes that fit my figure instead of hiding it. I even took part in a Torrid Model Search and wasn't the least bit nervous.

It's such an amazing feeling, and sometimes I hate that it took me nearly 25 years to finally feel comfortable in my own skin, but now that I do, I am going to enjoy the hell out of it. And if I never lose another pound, I am just fine with it.

Maria said...

It's interesting that as I gained weight, I not only felt androgynous, I felt invisible. As I continued to feel this way, I didn't care to dress up, put on make-up, look nice. I basically convinced myself that because I felt invisible, everyone else felt the same way about me. I would love to dress up again. . .be excited about doing my hair, shopping for clothes, being normal.

Thank you for the great blog!! I love reading it.

Maria

The Pound Slayer said...

I usually feel quite masculine until I look in a mirror or see my reflection in a window, especially if I'm standing next to a thinner man.

I think it has something to do with that whole crazy masculine=achievement equation we men subscribe to. I feel like less of a man because there is this huge (pardon the pun) problem in my life that I can't get a handle on.

Sarah said...

It's so so true! I'm only starting to feel like I "deserve" to look girly, I have lost 25 lbs but the majority of comments I get are "wow, you have your hair down, it looks nice". When I feel like crap it's just easier to pull my hair back and barely wear make up. I've basically had that going on for the past 2 years so it does feel good to finally feel like a girl.

Alex said...

Oh yeah, I know the feeling hun. Right now I ware baggy ass shirts and pants to hide my gut and people often mistake me for an affeminate punky guy. >.>

Best wishes
-alex

Anonymous said...

Ok, so i'm the lone voice here...but it's NOT being thin that makes you a "girl." This kind of self-loathing is sad to read. There are a lot of women who are overweight, so very overweight and they are as feminine and girly as the person who weighs 100 lbs soaking wet. Sure you have a right to your feelings, but I'm wondering maybe you might have issues with Body Dysmorphic Disorder if you really think that thinness=being feminine. Maybe should get into counseling for that.

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When you were getting fatter it meant that you stopped to take care about yourself in general, so you had a bad mood and you just let yourself go.