2.02.2007

#48 - Feeling embarrassed all the time!

I hate that when I’m this fat, I’m embarrassed all the time. I’m embarrassed when I sweat more than other people. I’m embarrassed that my hair sometimes looks oily because I sweat so much. I’m embarrassed that when I exert myself even a little, I get all flushed. I’m embarrassed when people watch me eat. I’m embarrassed when my tummy makes grumbly noises as I digest. I’m embarrassed when my clothes are a little too tight and people can see how big my gut is. I’m embarrassed that my upper arms are so big. I’m embarrassed to fly in a plane because I don’t fit very well in airplane seats. I’m embarrassed when the person sitting next to me on the plane gives me that oh-my-God look as I walk down the aisle. I’m embarrassed that I get winded walking up a couple stairs. I’m embarrassed that I take up more room on the couch sitting next to people. I’m embarrassed getting weighed at the doctor’s office. I’m embarrassed when people giving me judging looks when I’m this fat. I’m just always so embarrassed! I hate that!

I try really hard to work on my self-confidence, always reminding myself that I’m great and I’m worth it! But when you’re embarrassed all the time, it really does a number on your confidence. How can I feel good about myself when I’m constantly thinking about what other people think? Hmm. How do you like that? I think I aswered my own question: stop thinking about what other people think! It takes so much effort to worry about what other people are thinking. Imagine if I focused all that energy on myself, I could reach any goal! I guess we just need to keep reminding ourselves that we are great and we are worth it and try to worry less about other people. Who cares what other people think? I don’t like the way I look at this weight, why should I expect others to accept me with open arms? We just need to realize that if we ignore the stares and the comments and the embarrassment and keep working on ourselves, eventually we’ll lose the weight and we won’t have anything to be embarrassed about anymore!

10 comments:

AFS said...

You did answer your own question. Don't worry what other people think. I know that's easier said than done and I find myself worrying what other people will think about me, but then I have to remind myself not to care. You are a female scientist, that says a lot! It's weird, when I was in graduate school someone described me as not taking any crap from anyone and being one of the most confident people they knew (and I was at my heaviest weight then). I can pull that off professionally, but not on a more personal or social level. When those feelings creep up on you, just keep telling yourself that you don't care what other people think, then go get on that elliptical machine or do some type of agressive workout, that will help build confidence!

Now I just have to follow my own advice.

Lori said...

I really do understand how you feel. You feel like you're the center of attention in good or bad ways. We'd like to be invisible.

All I can tell you is that perhaps we're not the center of attention as we think we are...perhaps our view is very distorted. (Although I feel the same way about MY upper arms even now.) People most likely are absorbed in their own problems and lives and not even noticing us.

I spent all of last summer learning how to swim and having to change in a university locker room with a lot of tiny coeds and tiny little women. I have to say that I probably died a million times of imagingary embarrassment. But I'm still alive and not so embarrassed as much.

It's not easy to be kind to ourselves; I'm very good at being unkind to me but I'm working on doing better. Try and remember to treat yourself like you would treat a friend and not say unkind things to yourself.

You are working on a project and it's YOU.

You deserve to be here and do things.

DivaMinerva said...

Hi there. RNY pt here, almost died due to complications 6m after surgery, would do it all again. I love my life now. Loved it when I weighed more than twice what I do now.

I get embarressed still now, when I'm rumbly when my tummy is full. I make digestion noises when my tummy is full now rather that when it is empty. I get embarressed when I throw up when I've eaten a bite too much.

I'm embarressed that my tummy is too big, my arms upper ones, are too big as well. I have a lot of extra skin, you see. I'd wear at least a size smaller after a tummy tuck - all that extra skin...

I'm embarressed my extra bulk is gone. I'm embarressed how I'd used my size for space - how I have to use my arms now - to save space for my friend next to me on a public bench in a waiting area for instance...

Its not our size... its in our minds. When the bulk is gone - the embarressment persists. It moves to other places. We are funny creatures, wonderful people with funny habits.

/hugs to you, with love and understanding.

DivaM

fatblogger dot net said...

Being over-weight and self-conscious to the max go hand in hand. Yes, it is true for sure, many others DO look at us and judge, but many more do not as well. Too many of us think all eyes are watching, because like you say, it's how you feel about you. We are constantly self-monitoring ourselves. It is hard not too, but you can do it, its just another exercise to do daily.

karaokekitty said...

I totally agree with all of you. I think most fat people perceive themselves to be at the center of attention. Like walking into a room full of people, I'm sure everyone is staring at me. But realistically most people are wrapped up in their own psychoses to care! I think it's the few bad apples, that make nasty comments, that make us think all normal sized people abhor fat people. It's just not true! And I do realize this is an issue I need to get over. Whether I'm fat or thin, I'll probably always worry about what other people are thinking!

christine said...

i think it's human nature to think every little thing about ourselves is drawing unwanted attention (and, unfortunately, sometimes it is.) hopefully, you won't let it get you down. good luck on your weight loss goals.

Rusulka said...

I am right there with you on being embarassed!

But it is a self confidence thing. Watch one of those talk shows, like Dr. Phil or Oprah when they show people who have lost great amounts of weight.

They are still pulling at their clothes like fat people do. They still hold their arms to cover the fat that is no longer there. It's crazy.

sue said...

It is in our minds as it is with those who are way too thin and think they are fat and want to be thinner.
After the birth of my third daughter Shalom (she is now 35), I was able to squeeze back into my prized size 5 jeans and yet I felt round and fat. Well those size 5’s went out the window after the birth of my fourth daughter two years later – and it has been uphill since. Now I am a round Nana. I feel good when I hear that Shalom’s youngest child
when sick asked her to cuddle him SOFT like Nana. Well how sweet – but I know why I am SOFT – so after the sweetness is gone I think do I want to be SOFT. This brings up another issue where can I find bras that dose not feel like a straight jacket or look like UNIBOOB!?
I now worry about my granddaughter who is 10 – not that I am worried about her weight - but I am worried about how her father (who by the why is always on some kind of a strange or fad diet because he is a roly-poly as is his dad) who makes remarks to her all the time. My heart breaks for her when at family event like a birthday party he says NO MADDY YOU DO NOT NEED ANY CAKE – WHAT!!! This by the way is while he is eating cake or drinking a beer or enjoying a second plate of ribs. What are these remarks doing to her? I have talked to my daughter regarding this as well talking to my granddaughter. I say stick will break your bones and words will put you in therapy for rest of your life. How can I wake him up?!!!!

sue said...

I want to correct my error in my earlier comment - My saying should read - Sticks and Stones will break your bones and Words will put you in therapy for rest of your life.

Anonymous said...

If you really are fat, and have no medical reason to be so, you SHOULD be embarrassed and that should encourage you to get thinner.

Unless you are not fat, and this is merely a problem of self-image.