I am always amazed watching normal/thin people say 'No' to food. You know what I mean. 'Would like a slice of pie?', 'No, thank you.' Huh? If someone ever offered me a piece of pie, I would most graciously say 'yes'. :) Could I even turn down a slice of pie, ever? Even at Thanksgiving, when we are full to the limit with turkey and mashed potatoes and gravy and stuffing and all the yummy trimmings, there always somehow seems to be room for pie. I don't know where I picked up this inability to say 'no' to foods offered to me. Am I just being gracious? Am I truly hungry? Do I just want that high I get from carbs? Or is it just that I'm cheap and can't refuse a free offer? Who knows. It's probably some combination of the above. But it's true, I don't seem to have the word 'no' in my foodie vocabulary.
I notice that my normal-sized boyfriend always turns down my offers of food. 'Do you want a cookie?', 'No, thanks', 'Do you want some cake?', 'Nope, I'm good', 'Would you like some dinner?', 'Nah, not hungry'. How does he do it? Is he truly not hungry? Or does he possess some superpower I am unaware of? Ask me any of those above questions and I guarantee my answer will be 'yes'. Granted, I know my boyfriend isn't that much into sweets (I know, the horror!), so I get that it's easy for him to turn down my goodie offers. But still. I could ask him, 'Honey, want some steak?' (cause most men go weak at the knees for grilled beef products) And many times he'll still say 'no'.
What I wonder though, is do people like that consciously say 'no' as a choice? Like sure they would REALLY like some pie, but realize it's not good for them and refuse the offer? Or do they truly not have the same urges and cravings? I wonder. I've asked my boyfriend about this, and his answer usually is 'nope, I just don't want it'... Don't want pie??? Crazy talk. Everyone wants pie... don't they? Is there some innate switch inside normal/thin people that turns off that automatic 'yes' answer? Is our switch broken? Are we (the chubby ones) stuck in the 'on' position, and forced (ok I know not FORCED, but ya know) to say 'yes'? I mean I honestly can't remember the last time I turned down an offer of food. Probably the only time was when I had the stomach flu and couldn't keep anything down. Even then, I still managed to eat some soup and crackers when it was offered to me.
I keep thinking I have to work on exercising my right to say 'no' to sweets. I know they are not good for me. I know they don't add any essential nutrients to my daily diet. I know they make me fat. But despite all this knowing... I still say 'yes'. Maybe from being fat so long and saying 'yes' to all the crap over the years, I've just gotten out of practice in saying' no'. I think just like anything in life, it takes practice. By no means do I expect to always say 'no' to my favorite baked goods, but I think I can start consciously throwing in a 'no' here and there. I always say it's the little things we can do to help ourselves that add up. Just saying 'no' to a piece of pie 3 times a week, for example, adds up to 18 pounds in a year in excess calories! I'm going to do my little part today. I made a fresh batch of brownies yesterday, but I think today I will say 'no'. I can wrap them up and put them in the freezer where they can wait for me another day. I can say 'no'!
7.08.2009
5.14.2009
#102 - Underwear
Underwear? You ask. It's true. This is one of those little odd reasons I hate being fat... underwear. As a fat woman I find myself faced with the dilemma of which underwear style to choose. I'm still quite heavy and have this oh-so-attractive stomach roll that I can't figure out what to do with. Here's the thing... do I wear big huge granny panties to cover it up? Do I wear high cut bikinis that cover half of it? Do I choose normal bikinis and let my undies sit under my roll. Or do I go nuts and wear a thong just covering up the bits? It's a strange dilemma, but I'm faced with it. The only reason this came up was the fact that I got so lazy and didn't wash clothes for a long time and have now gotten the chance to take a tour of every single pair of underwear in my underwear drawer. Yup I've worn them all. Briefs, bikinis, boy shorts, lace ones, cotton ones, silky ones, my underwear drawer is a cornucopia of undergarments.
So here's my take so far of Undie Tour 2009. The high cut bikinis are a pain. They cover half my roll when I slip them on, but during the day gravity and movement manage to roll them down and they end up bunched in a little roll under my, well, roll. Not very comfortable I must say. Same thing with the boy shorts. They are super cute when I slide them on, but in the end are hidden under my tummy. The regular bikini was at least honest with me. It made no attempt to cover up the stomach and sat below my gut. They are comfortable, but something about my tum tum swaying loose in the wind bothers me. I don't like the feel of my stomach scratching against the inside of my jeans. I don't know, maybe it's just me. Then there was the string bikini. God help us. This one was terrible. Not only did they disappear under my roll, the strings on the side found themselves wedged into my hip. Geesh, didn't I realize before I actually had hip rolls? Gross out. So when I look in the mirror, all I see is a little triangle of fabric covering my hoo ha, the rest mysteriously missing, tucked away in the folds. This, I did not like. Finally there was the infamous granny panties. OK I think what I call granny panties isn't the same ones your granny wears. Honestly I don't think I've ever bought a pair of truly full cut brief underwear. The ones I wear are actually labeled hipsters, whatever that means. But like Goldie Locks said, "they were just right". These seem to hug my body in all the right ways, cover the stomach, and stay put all day long. In my mind these are granny panties, but I know they are not even close. Granny panties are the ones that go up to your belly button... Let's not go there. So the clear winner for me was the hipsters.
But what about the size? Ugh, don't get me started. When did someone come up with underwear sizing? 4,6,8,10? And those sizes pretty much cover the size range of most women? I've always hovered in the 8-10 range for most of my adult life. Size 10? What is that equivalent to? I wear a size 22? I like what some of the plus-sized stores do. They actually size underwear normally. I can go there, buy a size 22/24 and KNOW they will fit. How many times have you picked up a 3-pack of undies in size X from one brand and another pack in the same size from another brand, go them home, and neither fit right (one probably being to tight, one too big)? I'll stick with my plus-sized brands even though they are heinously expensive ($14 for a pair of undies?!?).
This makes me think of the sizing on pantyhose (ok pantyhose aren't underwear, so a bit off topic, but at least it has the word panty in it!). A,B,C... Q? I was surprised to find I had picked up a royal title just from wearing my Queen-sized pantyhose! What the hell is that about? Is that the company's way of saying, "Aww, I'm sorry you're so fat. Let me make you feel better and call your size Queen." Strange. Some of the plus-size stores at least have the dignity to call it like it is and just continue the alphabet with their sizes, D,E,F,G,H. While some others have opted to come up with up with their own naming convention, either restarting the alphabet, A,B,C, or using numbers 1,2,3. I personally like the ones that give me the real sizes like 1X, 2X, 3X. Then I really know what I'm getting. I mean, am I a B or a C or a 2 or a 3? Well at least I know I'm somewhere around 2X or 3X, so I appreciate the honesty in their sizing. But I suppose pantyhose don't really need exact sizes anyway. When a pair of pantyhose says it fits a woman from 5'4" to 6'3" from 190 pounds to 250 pounds, I think you can be loose with the sizing.
So now all that remains in my undie drawer is a thong. So the question is... am I going thong or doing laundry today? I suppose I could take a tip from my boyfriend and just go commando!
So here's my take so far of Undie Tour 2009. The high cut bikinis are a pain. They cover half my roll when I slip them on, but during the day gravity and movement manage to roll them down and they end up bunched in a little roll under my, well, roll. Not very comfortable I must say. Same thing with the boy shorts. They are super cute when I slide them on, but in the end are hidden under my tummy. The regular bikini was at least honest with me. It made no attempt to cover up the stomach and sat below my gut. They are comfortable, but something about my tum tum swaying loose in the wind bothers me. I don't like the feel of my stomach scratching against the inside of my jeans. I don't know, maybe it's just me. Then there was the string bikini. God help us. This one was terrible. Not only did they disappear under my roll, the strings on the side found themselves wedged into my hip. Geesh, didn't I realize before I actually had hip rolls? Gross out. So when I look in the mirror, all I see is a little triangle of fabric covering my hoo ha, the rest mysteriously missing, tucked away in the folds. This, I did not like. Finally there was the infamous granny panties. OK I think what I call granny panties isn't the same ones your granny wears. Honestly I don't think I've ever bought a pair of truly full cut brief underwear. The ones I wear are actually labeled hipsters, whatever that means. But like Goldie Locks said, "they were just right". These seem to hug my body in all the right ways, cover the stomach, and stay put all day long. In my mind these are granny panties, but I know they are not even close. Granny panties are the ones that go up to your belly button... Let's not go there. So the clear winner for me was the hipsters.
But what about the size? Ugh, don't get me started. When did someone come up with underwear sizing? 4,6,8,10? And those sizes pretty much cover the size range of most women? I've always hovered in the 8-10 range for most of my adult life. Size 10? What is that equivalent to? I wear a size 22? I like what some of the plus-sized stores do. They actually size underwear normally. I can go there, buy a size 22/24 and KNOW they will fit. How many times have you picked up a 3-pack of undies in size X from one brand and another pack in the same size from another brand, go them home, and neither fit right (one probably being to tight, one too big)? I'll stick with my plus-sized brands even though they are heinously expensive ($14 for a pair of undies?!?).
This makes me think of the sizing on pantyhose (ok pantyhose aren't underwear, so a bit off topic, but at least it has the word panty in it!). A,B,C... Q? I was surprised to find I had picked up a royal title just from wearing my Queen-sized pantyhose! What the hell is that about? Is that the company's way of saying, "Aww, I'm sorry you're so fat. Let me make you feel better and call your size Queen." Strange. Some of the plus-size stores at least have the dignity to call it like it is and just continue the alphabet with their sizes, D,E,F,G,H. While some others have opted to come up with up with their own naming convention, either restarting the alphabet, A,B,C, or using numbers 1,2,3. I personally like the ones that give me the real sizes like 1X, 2X, 3X. Then I really know what I'm getting. I mean, am I a B or a C or a 2 or a 3? Well at least I know I'm somewhere around 2X or 3X, so I appreciate the honesty in their sizing. But I suppose pantyhose don't really need exact sizes anyway. When a pair of pantyhose says it fits a woman from 5'4" to 6'3" from 190 pounds to 250 pounds, I think you can be loose with the sizing.
So now all that remains in my undie drawer is a thong. So the question is... am I going thong or doing laundry today? I suppose I could take a tip from my boyfriend and just go commando!
4.30.2009
~*~ Mail Bag ~*~
I know, I know, I haven’t posted in ages! My bad. Mea culpa, mea culpa. I’ve been going through a tough time lately, just having a hard time sticking to being healthy. Sure I’m trying, but only half-assed, you know what I mean. So I’ve been having myself a little pity party lately, falling into that stupid cycle again of feeling bad, eating more, feeling worse, eating more, feeling even worse..... and so forth. But something made me realize what I had fallen back into. I opened up my email this morning and got a really delightful message. Shelley wrote me a great honest story about an experience she had while clothes shopping. Just reading her story today was enough to snap me out it. Anyway, I thought I’d share her story and my response with you all. As I explained to Shelley, I really don’t think you all realize the impact you have on me too!
Hello!
I know you haven’t updated the blog since January so I don't even know if you will even read this, but I feel like I want to email you and tell you my story and profess my love for your blog.
I stumbled upon your blog about 4 or 5 months ago at like 11 at night and I ended up reading the whole thing, in its entirety, start to finish and was up for a long time reading every post while my boyfriend lay in bed. I was smiling, agreeing, laughing, and crying. I couldn't stop! I haven’t read anything like your blog, ever. I have browsed many a book by overweight women and find myself not able to really relate to them because for some reason or another I don’t feel like its very real, but your blog is the most real thing I can imagine. Thank you so much for writing from a legit perspective.
I am 23 years old, 5'4 and about 250 pounds. I have almost always been kind of heavy, and it is no doubt in my mind that I suffer from some sort of Compulsive Overeating disorder. I love to eat! I ritualize it and honor food. Either way, I am a lucky girl because I have a great boyfriend who isn’t one of those creepy BBW admirers and is really supportive and understanding and truly likes a bigger lady. ANYHOW, that wasn’t the point of my letter; I wanted to share with you my eye opening moment when I realized that I could do something with what I have always thought of as my fat, shapeless body.
I have always been super self conscious about my clothes. I can never find anything that fits so I resort to black band t-shirts and jeans and flip flops pretty much all the time. I know, that I look terrible, but I feel like its okay to do in t-shirts and that wearing black will somehow slim me down. So, one day I stumbled upon Torrid in the mall, I am sure you know what Torrid is, and if not, boy are you in for a pleasant surprise. Well, it’s a modern plus size clothing store that isn’t too tacky but can be a little lame at times. So, I went inside and was blown away by the amount of cute clothing in bigger sizes so I started picking up things to try on. I was in my usual attire and the girls at the desk were those super proud fat girls with a lot of sass who are exponentially cooler than I am. I went into the dressing room and came out in a little outfit I picked out that look okay. The girl was waiting outside the dressing room for me and as I looked in the mirror I sighed and said "nothing fits!" The girl just gave me a blank stare and said "I think it looks pretty good" to which I gave the standard response "it makes me look fat". The girls at the counter kind of looked back as they heard my declaration and the girl standing there said "well, you ARE fat." I was so confused. Did she really just say that? Is she fucking crazy? She's much bigger than me, why is she insulting me? "What???" I said. "You ARE fat. I know, it’s hard to hear, but someone had to tell me too." At this point I had no idea what to do, I was frozen with humiliation. "You're a big girl, and that’s okay, don’t be scared of it, that won’t do you any good. You have to embrace it and learn to dress accordingly. Those jeans you were wearing when you came in, what size are they?" she asked. I told her they were an 18 and she shook her head. "You are trying on size 18 jeans but they don’t fit you. You aren't a size 18, you are a 20, is it that hard to admit that? Holding on to that size 18 in your head doesn’t make you any skinnier, neither does that disgusting t-shirt that is way too small. No one can see the labels on your clothes, so even though in your head you are wearing an XL shirt and 18 jeans and you feel a few pounds lighter, to them you are just a fat girl in clothes that don’t fit. Try on a bigger shirt and a pair of 20s" Reluctantly and still a little shell shocked I let her show me to the bigger jeans and some daring tops that I would have never picked out for myself. To my surprise, when I put on the jeans they fit like a glove, perfect around my waist, I didn't have to suck my stomach in all the way to get them on and they didn’t tuck my fat in and cut off my circulation, I was impressed and the shirt showed a lot of cleavage but surprisingly, took the attention off my stomach and damn, I must say, I looked good. I came out and the girls at the desk clapped. They threw me in a pair of kitten heels to elongate my body and a new bra and sent me packing. I felt rejuvenated, just as I did after reading your blog.
Thanks for everything you said on there. It helped me find comfort in myself.
Shelley M.
Hi Shelley,
Yes it has been so long since I've posted on my blog. I guess you can say I've been in a bit of a slump. I lost 70 pounds over the course of about a year and a half and now I'm stuck in some holding pattern, my weight not budging. And this has gotten me down.
Thank you for emailing me. Your honest story about the clothes was great. And I know about Torrid - LOVE it! The whole thing about realizing - yes, I am fat - can be painful. But I find now when I look in the mirror after picking out some outfit that might not be the most flattering, and I say to myself, "OMG, I look fat!" Then I pause, look again, and say, "well, you are fat, get over it." It definitely takes a healthy dose of acceptance of our current fat bodies, before we can muster up the gusto to try to lose weight. It's kind of an oxymoron. You have to hate your fat enough to do something about it, but at the same time you have to love yourself enough to want to do it. It's tricky and complicated.
I just wanted to thank you again for your email. I've been stuck in this rut, and I must say your email made me smile and shook me out of my funk a bit. I am fat, so what? I don't like being fat, so I'll do something about. I just have to keep chanting this mantra. I think I've been stuck feeling sorry for my fat body lately, letting myself slip back into that "I'm fat, woe is me, now give me something to eat" mentality. Thanks for giving me a little jolt!
I think what people don't realize is that it's comments and emails like yours that totally help motivate me. I get a lot of thank yous from people saying how much I've helped them stay motivated, but really it works both ways! Thanks for sharing your story! We all need to find a way to feel comfortable in our own skins. Only then can we truly be ourselves!
Thanks again!
Jenny
AKA karaokekitty @ 101 Reasons I Hate Being Fat
Hello!
I know you haven’t updated the blog since January so I don't even know if you will even read this, but I feel like I want to email you and tell you my story and profess my love for your blog.
I stumbled upon your blog about 4 or 5 months ago at like 11 at night and I ended up reading the whole thing, in its entirety, start to finish and was up for a long time reading every post while my boyfriend lay in bed. I was smiling, agreeing, laughing, and crying. I couldn't stop! I haven’t read anything like your blog, ever. I have browsed many a book by overweight women and find myself not able to really relate to them because for some reason or another I don’t feel like its very real, but your blog is the most real thing I can imagine. Thank you so much for writing from a legit perspective.
I am 23 years old, 5'4 and about 250 pounds. I have almost always been kind of heavy, and it is no doubt in my mind that I suffer from some sort of Compulsive Overeating disorder. I love to eat! I ritualize it and honor food. Either way, I am a lucky girl because I have a great boyfriend who isn’t one of those creepy BBW admirers and is really supportive and understanding and truly likes a bigger lady. ANYHOW, that wasn’t the point of my letter; I wanted to share with you my eye opening moment when I realized that I could do something with what I have always thought of as my fat, shapeless body.
I have always been super self conscious about my clothes. I can never find anything that fits so I resort to black band t-shirts and jeans and flip flops pretty much all the time. I know, that I look terrible, but I feel like its okay to do in t-shirts and that wearing black will somehow slim me down. So, one day I stumbled upon Torrid in the mall, I am sure you know what Torrid is, and if not, boy are you in for a pleasant surprise. Well, it’s a modern plus size clothing store that isn’t too tacky but can be a little lame at times. So, I went inside and was blown away by the amount of cute clothing in bigger sizes so I started picking up things to try on. I was in my usual attire and the girls at the desk were those super proud fat girls with a lot of sass who are exponentially cooler than I am. I went into the dressing room and came out in a little outfit I picked out that look okay. The girl was waiting outside the dressing room for me and as I looked in the mirror I sighed and said "nothing fits!" The girl just gave me a blank stare and said "I think it looks pretty good" to which I gave the standard response "it makes me look fat". The girls at the counter kind of looked back as they heard my declaration and the girl standing there said "well, you ARE fat." I was so confused. Did she really just say that? Is she fucking crazy? She's much bigger than me, why is she insulting me? "What???" I said. "You ARE fat. I know, it’s hard to hear, but someone had to tell me too." At this point I had no idea what to do, I was frozen with humiliation. "You're a big girl, and that’s okay, don’t be scared of it, that won’t do you any good. You have to embrace it and learn to dress accordingly. Those jeans you were wearing when you came in, what size are they?" she asked. I told her they were an 18 and she shook her head. "You are trying on size 18 jeans but they don’t fit you. You aren't a size 18, you are a 20, is it that hard to admit that? Holding on to that size 18 in your head doesn’t make you any skinnier, neither does that disgusting t-shirt that is way too small. No one can see the labels on your clothes, so even though in your head you are wearing an XL shirt and 18 jeans and you feel a few pounds lighter, to them you are just a fat girl in clothes that don’t fit. Try on a bigger shirt and a pair of 20s" Reluctantly and still a little shell shocked I let her show me to the bigger jeans and some daring tops that I would have never picked out for myself. To my surprise, when I put on the jeans they fit like a glove, perfect around my waist, I didn't have to suck my stomach in all the way to get them on and they didn’t tuck my fat in and cut off my circulation, I was impressed and the shirt showed a lot of cleavage but surprisingly, took the attention off my stomach and damn, I must say, I looked good. I came out and the girls at the desk clapped. They threw me in a pair of kitten heels to elongate my body and a new bra and sent me packing. I felt rejuvenated, just as I did after reading your blog.
Thanks for everything you said on there. It helped me find comfort in myself.
Shelley M.
Hi Shelley,
Yes it has been so long since I've posted on my blog. I guess you can say I've been in a bit of a slump. I lost 70 pounds over the course of about a year and a half and now I'm stuck in some holding pattern, my weight not budging. And this has gotten me down.
Thank you for emailing me. Your honest story about the clothes was great. And I know about Torrid - LOVE it! The whole thing about realizing - yes, I am fat - can be painful. But I find now when I look in the mirror after picking out some outfit that might not be the most flattering, and I say to myself, "OMG, I look fat!" Then I pause, look again, and say, "well, you are fat, get over it." It definitely takes a healthy dose of acceptance of our current fat bodies, before we can muster up the gusto to try to lose weight. It's kind of an oxymoron. You have to hate your fat enough to do something about it, but at the same time you have to love yourself enough to want to do it. It's tricky and complicated.
I just wanted to thank you again for your email. I've been stuck in this rut, and I must say your email made me smile and shook me out of my funk a bit. I am fat, so what? I don't like being fat, so I'll do something about. I just have to keep chanting this mantra. I think I've been stuck feeling sorry for my fat body lately, letting myself slip back into that "I'm fat, woe is me, now give me something to eat" mentality. Thanks for giving me a little jolt!
I think what people don't realize is that it's comments and emails like yours that totally help motivate me. I get a lot of thank yous from people saying how much I've helped them stay motivated, but really it works both ways! Thanks for sharing your story! We all need to find a way to feel comfortable in our own skins. Only then can we truly be ourselves!
Thanks again!
Jenny
AKA karaokekitty @ 101 Reasons I Hate Being Fat
1.09.2009
#101 – When will I stop being "fat"?
I've been thinking about this, and I wonder what your opinion on this is. At what point will I earn the right to stop calling myself fat? Is it when others stop calling me fat? Is there a weight limit? A BMI limit? Is it some abstract state of mind, only definable by me? Is it all of the above? I don't know. I know I'm definitely still fat. I'm cool with that. I've lost 70 pounds, with about... oh... 80+ more to go. I know this is a process, a journey, but when won't I be fat anymore? Sure I could go by the height and weight charts in the doctor’s office, or calculate my BMI, but that's just a number. I don't know, does it even matter? So many of my reasons why I hate being fat all have to do with me being self conscious... Are those people looking at me because I’m fat? Do men reject me because I'm fat? Do these jeans make me look fat... and are people looking? I CANNOT wear a swim suit in public! Sound familiar? Maybe we lose the fat moniker once our brains stop thinking we're fat. Maybe it's a personal thing for everyone. I think some people think they are totally fat when they are only 5 pounds over weight, while others don't feel fat until they are something like 50 pounds heavier. It's all a state of mind. But I don't know, maybe I'll always be a fat person. I don't mean physically, but mentally. This may be something I struggle with for the rest of my life. I mean what am I expecting to happen? Lose like 150 pounds and then keep it off with no effort? That's not gonna happen. It takes work to lose it and even more work to keep it off. I guess it just means I'll be a recovering fat-a-holic for the rest of my life. One day at time. Geesh, I think I need a 12-step program. Makes me think of that Serenity Prayer. Here's my version for the weight-challenged of the world:
God grant me the serenity
To make good food choices;
Courage to turn away from baked goods;
And energy to exercise daily.
Living healthy one day at a time;
Enjoying my journey;
Accepting that the road to wellness can be hard;
Taking the tools of better eating out into the world
As I should, free from the bad habits of the past;
Trusting that making wise decisions today will pay off tomorrow;
If I surrender to my will
I will not beat myself up in this life and the next
But I will remember that this is a life long journey;
A journey that is well worth every pound lost.
All kidding aside, I think that really sums it up. It will be hard to make good choices everyday, but just take it one day at a time and never give up. And don't beat yourself up so much! Life is hard, weight loss is hard, being healthy takes a lot of time and effort, so any energy you put into it is awesome! Pat yourself on the back! This is a life long journey of many tiny changes to your old habits. I'm a firm believer in making VERY small changes. Clearly all those fad diets didn't work for us. Sure maybe you lost a little weight, but did you keep it off? I think it's all about the little changes. You can sustain little changes forever. An extra glass of water a day? Easy peasy. An extra serving or two of veggies daily? Piece of cake (oh God, don't let me get started on cake... ). OK then... a smaller piece of cake at the next birthday party. Simple. You get the idea. It just takes teenie tiny changes like these, that over time will add up to something significant - a more healthy you! Sure you won't lose weight as fast as that fasting diet, but the changes in your body will last a life time.
Hi. My name is Jenny. And I'm a recovering fat-a-holic.
******
OK, I think I just heard a collective gasp as you all realized that was post number 101. I know what you’re thinking. Is she going to stop posting now?!? Is it over?!? Well, let me reassure you I don’t plan on stopping yet. Why? Well… have I reached my goal yet? No way. Do I still have reasons why I hate being fat? You betcha! So never fear, 101 Reasons I Hate Being Fat will go on. I guess I just need to start over… Another 101 Reasons I Hate Being Fat!
God grant me the serenity
To make good food choices;
Courage to turn away from baked goods;
And energy to exercise daily.
Living healthy one day at a time;
Enjoying my journey;
Accepting that the road to wellness can be hard;
Taking the tools of better eating out into the world
As I should, free from the bad habits of the past;
Trusting that making wise decisions today will pay off tomorrow;
If I surrender to my will
I will not beat myself up in this life and the next
But I will remember that this is a life long journey;
A journey that is well worth every pound lost.
All kidding aside, I think that really sums it up. It will be hard to make good choices everyday, but just take it one day at a time and never give up. And don't beat yourself up so much! Life is hard, weight loss is hard, being healthy takes a lot of time and effort, so any energy you put into it is awesome! Pat yourself on the back! This is a life long journey of many tiny changes to your old habits. I'm a firm believer in making VERY small changes. Clearly all those fad diets didn't work for us. Sure maybe you lost a little weight, but did you keep it off? I think it's all about the little changes. You can sustain little changes forever. An extra glass of water a day? Easy peasy. An extra serving or two of veggies daily? Piece of cake (oh God, don't let me get started on cake... ). OK then... a smaller piece of cake at the next birthday party. Simple. You get the idea. It just takes teenie tiny changes like these, that over time will add up to something significant - a more healthy you! Sure you won't lose weight as fast as that fasting diet, but the changes in your body will last a life time.
Hi. My name is Jenny. And I'm a recovering fat-a-holic.
******
OK, I think I just heard a collective gasp as you all realized that was post number 101. I know what you’re thinking. Is she going to stop posting now?!? Is it over?!? Well, let me reassure you I don’t plan on stopping yet. Why? Well… have I reached my goal yet? No way. Do I still have reasons why I hate being fat? You betcha! So never fear, 101 Reasons I Hate Being Fat will go on. I guess I just need to start over… Another 101 Reasons I Hate Being Fat!
12.31.2008
#100 - Blaming something else for my weight gain
This is going to be a difficult post to read. It's a difficult post to write. But it's something that needs to be said. We all got fat for a reason. It didn't just happen. Sure, there is a small percentage of people that gain weight due to medical reasons, but I'm betting you and I are not one of them. We gained weight mostly due to emotions. Food is a great coping tool for life. It makes you happy when you are sad (gotta love the calming effects of the carbohydrate). It gives you company when you are bored or lonely. It lifts you up on a down day. Food is always there for you. Food is awesome that way. But there is the flip side. Food will let you down in the end. It's not the miracle cure to all of life's problems. Food will trap you. Once you start to overeat, you need more and more food to satisfy you. And like a junkie, you keep going back for your fix. Food can be a drug, plain and simple. You need to be careful how you use it. Food is meant to nourish our bodies and keep us alive. But we've turned food into this tool to help us get through the bad times.
I suspect if you are like me, it took some pretty bad times to get you where you are today. Why did you turn to food? I truly don't think we can lose this weight until we face up to why we got fat in the first place. It's so easy to blame something else for our weight. "It's genetic." "I have big bones." "I don't like to waste food." "I quit smoking and gained weight." "I have a medical condition that makes me gain weight." "I don't have time to watch my weight." "I don't like to exercise." Sorry, but I think all of those excuses are crap. It was a choice. You chose to become fat. Sure, you didn't wake up one day and say, "I think I wanna be fat now!" Of course not, but you chose to overuse food for whatever reason got you started. You say it's genetics? Ok so you were dealt a bad genetic hand. That only means you need to watch your weight more closely. Some people can eat whatever they want and not gain a pound. You are not one of those people. You know it. So choose. Fall back on your excuse, or work at it. You say it's medical? Then get to a doctor and solve the problem. So many people fall on this excuse, but it is VERY rare to have a medical condition that makes you morbidly obese. Sure there are lots of medications and conditions that can predispose you to gain a bit of weight (a bit, like maybe 20 pounds), but true medical conditions causing you to gain 100+ pounds are very rare. Again, you choose. Excuse? Life?
I hate to be so brutal, but it's the brutal facts. We make choices. And we've apparently made some bad choices. But it's not the end of the world, it's not game over, we can fix the problem. We can choose to use food in a more normal way. Remember, food is there to keep us alive and nourish us. It's not an emotional coping tool. This brings me back to the real reason most of us got fat. Emotions. We hate to admit it, but food was there when we were down, and it temporary lifted us up out of whatever crap we were going through. So why did I get fat? This is the hard part to write. To actually put down on paper and share with the world why I got fat. When I was a little girl I was sexually abused by a relative. It went unnoticed for seven years. I hid what was happening to me out of fear and shame. I was a little girl. I was brainwashed into thinking I would destroy the family if I said anything. And I believed that. I thought it all must have been my fault. Initially I didn't use food to deal. Though I was taught food was a reward for my silence. I got an ice cream cone after every time. Sad huh? But my way to cope overall was by becoming the perfect child. Perfect student. Perfect friend. Perfect clothes. Perfect life. Perfect everything. It's pretty hard to be perfect all the time. Finally when I was fourteen years old, I snapped. I basically had a nervous breakdown. I couldn't stop screaming and crying. Of course my parents freaked out trying to figure out what had happened to their perfect child. Ironically, my father was a psychologist, and it wasn't long before my parents figured it out. I couldn't utter the words, but they knew. They knew there was only one thing that would make a girl fall apart so bad. We went to the police. We did everything you do in this situation. I started therapy. But after all of this, I was numb. My whole life seemed false. I wasn't that perfect child. I was just me. Was just me good enough? I didn't think so anymore. All the threats that had been whispered to me came true. My family was destroyed, everything fell apart. My immediate family broke off from the extended family, and became isolated. He was right, I wrecked everything. Of course that was what I was thinking then, I don't think that now. It was all his fault. No question. But I took on all the blame. That is a lot for a fourteen year old to deal with. And so it began. I made the choice. Ironically, I used food just like he had taught me. Feel bad... eat an ice cream cone, and so on and so on. I gained all that weight to protect me from the world. If you are fat, you are less desirable. Who wants a fat girl? I was safe.
Does this story sound familiar? I wouldn't be surprised if it does. It's estimated that 25% of obese people have been sexually abused. Only 6% of the thin population have had the same experience. It's even been shown that people with a history of sexual abuse have a harder time losing and maintaining weight loss. Any small failure or set back seems like the end of the world and we quit. Food is so much easier.The choice seems so easy when you feel so bad. But where does it get you in the end? Food lies. It's a quick fix. In the end, you are more fat, more miserable, and have less self-esteem than when you started. It's a bad choice. I can sit back and blame my life's events for my weight. I can eat all my problems away. Trust me, I've done that! But I won't do it anymore. I went through therapy, I dealt with everything that happened, I came to terms with my life, and I'm moving on and choosing to live. Unfortunately my body hasn't quite caught up with my brain, but I'm working on it. For me, the fat is kind of like the scar left behind after everything. I'm still healing, and slowly the scar is starting to fade. Maybe someday, you wont even notice the scar anymore. Everyday I make a choice now. Fall back on bad habits or move forward. I choose. What do you choose?
I suspect if you are like me, it took some pretty bad times to get you where you are today. Why did you turn to food? I truly don't think we can lose this weight until we face up to why we got fat in the first place. It's so easy to blame something else for our weight. "It's genetic." "I have big bones." "I don't like to waste food." "I quit smoking and gained weight." "I have a medical condition that makes me gain weight." "I don't have time to watch my weight." "I don't like to exercise." Sorry, but I think all of those excuses are crap. It was a choice. You chose to become fat. Sure, you didn't wake up one day and say, "I think I wanna be fat now!" Of course not, but you chose to overuse food for whatever reason got you started. You say it's genetics? Ok so you were dealt a bad genetic hand. That only means you need to watch your weight more closely. Some people can eat whatever they want and not gain a pound. You are not one of those people. You know it. So choose. Fall back on your excuse, or work at it. You say it's medical? Then get to a doctor and solve the problem. So many people fall on this excuse, but it is VERY rare to have a medical condition that makes you morbidly obese. Sure there are lots of medications and conditions that can predispose you to gain a bit of weight (a bit, like maybe 20 pounds), but true medical conditions causing you to gain 100+ pounds are very rare. Again, you choose. Excuse? Life?
I hate to be so brutal, but it's the brutal facts. We make choices. And we've apparently made some bad choices. But it's not the end of the world, it's not game over, we can fix the problem. We can choose to use food in a more normal way. Remember, food is there to keep us alive and nourish us. It's not an emotional coping tool. This brings me back to the real reason most of us got fat. Emotions. We hate to admit it, but food was there when we were down, and it temporary lifted us up out of whatever crap we were going through. So why did I get fat? This is the hard part to write. To actually put down on paper and share with the world why I got fat. When I was a little girl I was sexually abused by a relative. It went unnoticed for seven years. I hid what was happening to me out of fear and shame. I was a little girl. I was brainwashed into thinking I would destroy the family if I said anything. And I believed that. I thought it all must have been my fault. Initially I didn't use food to deal. Though I was taught food was a reward for my silence. I got an ice cream cone after every time. Sad huh? But my way to cope overall was by becoming the perfect child. Perfect student. Perfect friend. Perfect clothes. Perfect life. Perfect everything. It's pretty hard to be perfect all the time. Finally when I was fourteen years old, I snapped. I basically had a nervous breakdown. I couldn't stop screaming and crying. Of course my parents freaked out trying to figure out what had happened to their perfect child. Ironically, my father was a psychologist, and it wasn't long before my parents figured it out. I couldn't utter the words, but they knew. They knew there was only one thing that would make a girl fall apart so bad. We went to the police. We did everything you do in this situation. I started therapy. But after all of this, I was numb. My whole life seemed false. I wasn't that perfect child. I was just me. Was just me good enough? I didn't think so anymore. All the threats that had been whispered to me came true. My family was destroyed, everything fell apart. My immediate family broke off from the extended family, and became isolated. He was right, I wrecked everything. Of course that was what I was thinking then, I don't think that now. It was all his fault. No question. But I took on all the blame. That is a lot for a fourteen year old to deal with. And so it began. I made the choice. Ironically, I used food just like he had taught me. Feel bad... eat an ice cream cone, and so on and so on. I gained all that weight to protect me from the world. If you are fat, you are less desirable. Who wants a fat girl? I was safe.
Does this story sound familiar? I wouldn't be surprised if it does. It's estimated that 25% of obese people have been sexually abused. Only 6% of the thin population have had the same experience. It's even been shown that people with a history of sexual abuse have a harder time losing and maintaining weight loss. Any small failure or set back seems like the end of the world and we quit. Food is so much easier.The choice seems so easy when you feel so bad. But where does it get you in the end? Food lies. It's a quick fix. In the end, you are more fat, more miserable, and have less self-esteem than when you started. It's a bad choice. I can sit back and blame my life's events for my weight. I can eat all my problems away. Trust me, I've done that! But I won't do it anymore. I went through therapy, I dealt with everything that happened, I came to terms with my life, and I'm moving on and choosing to live. Unfortunately my body hasn't quite caught up with my brain, but I'm working on it. For me, the fat is kind of like the scar left behind after everything. I'm still healing, and slowly the scar is starting to fade. Maybe someday, you wont even notice the scar anymore. Everyday I make a choice now. Fall back on bad habits or move forward. I choose. What do you choose?
12.10.2008
Check out this cool book!
Hey guys, I thought I'd tell you about a new book out called Blog Blazers. It's a new book about influential bloggers out there blogging right now. It's an interview-style book giving you tips on how to make a successful blog.
The author, Stephane Grenier, asks lots of cool questions about blogging such as:
- What's your best tip for writing a successful blog post?
- What are your main avenues for marketing your blog?
- What was your most successful blog post ever?
- What's the most common mistake new bloggers make?
- What turns you off most when visiting a blog?
- What's the best way to make money from your blog?
- Which books and websites do you recommend to new bloggers?
- Which five blogs do you regularly read?
- and many more!
OK and now for a little self promotion - I was picked as one of the bloggers the author interviewed! How cool is that!? Anyway, check it out! It's a great read.
The author, Stephane Grenier, asks lots of cool questions about blogging such as:
- What's your best tip for writing a successful blog post?
- What are your main avenues for marketing your blog?
- What was your most successful blog post ever?
- What's the most common mistake new bloggers make?
- What turns you off most when visiting a blog?
- What's the best way to make money from your blog?
- Which books and websites do you recommend to new bloggers?
- Which five blogs do you regularly read?
- and many more!
OK and now for a little self promotion - I was picked as one of the bloggers the author interviewed! How cool is that!? Anyway, check it out! It's a great read.
11.04.2008
#99 - Being Hypersensitive
I hate than when I'm fat, I find I'm so sensitive to what people around me are saying. I always assume some hidden meaning in every little sentence. Like it's not bad enough I think people are looking at me because I'm fat, now I think they're somehow giving me some message in secret code when they talk to me. Here's an example.
Coffee shop worker: Good morning. What can I get you ma'am?
Me: I'd like a medium iced latte.
Coffee shop worker: Would you like a large instead?
There, she said it. "Large" Is she insinuating something? Is she implying I'm large? What does she mean by that? Of course she means absolutely nothing. She's been told by countless managers to try to up sell on every order in an attempt to make more bank in this hideous economy. I know this, but of course I always jump to conclusions.
My list of examples like this goes on and on. Why the hell am I so damn sensitive? I know, I know. Yet AGAIN another fat = low self-esteem issue. What's the big deal, why can't I get over it? (hmm I said 'big', did I mean something by that?) I suppose anyone with any kind of hang up does this. I suppose if you are self conscious cause you are too skinny (God, wish that was my problem), every mention of tiny or small or little sends shivers up your spine. I swear, no one can say anything around me related to size without me thinking way into it. Big, large, huge, fat, round, immense, enormous, ample, bulky, giant, hefty, wide, voluminous... Every time I hear these words... nails on the chalk board. I always think people are out to personally attack me. How dumb. I know that's not true. Like people walk around with a personal agenda to figure out how to spoil my day, mmhmm, yeah right.
Is it just fat people, or does everyone do this? Weigh in and let me know (... there I go again, why do I keep mentioning weight? lol).
Speaking of overly sensitive... my bathroom scale... oh the horror! So I told you last time I FINALLY gave up my fairy tale magic scale, that used to miraculously make me weigh less. Well, I gave up my very last piece of denial about my weight. So what's the verdict? Yup, you guessed it, I'm fat! Apparently the magic scale was off by 37 pounds... THIRTY SEVEN POUNDS!!! At least I'm not deluding myself anymore into thinking I actually weighed 240 pounds... nope, it's just not true. I must say, over the the past week, I feel like I gained 40 pounds. Yeah I know it's only a stupid number, but it got to me. I was so excited weighing myself and seeing 230s and 240s (I know that is still really heavy to some people, but when you've been over 300, that's an accomplishment!). But now that I get on the scale and see (gulp) 282 this morning (clearly all the Halloween candy, cookies, take out, etc, etc, has had it's toll lately! Time to get back on track!!), I have this heaviness I had back when my magic scale said I weighed 282. Isn't that weird? Weight loss is so psychological. I did not change one bit from one day to the next physically, but seeing a larger number makes me feel like I took 40 steps backwards, like I failed or something! Ugh! I keep reminding myself that I've still lost SO MUCH WEIGHT! But then that makes me think... hmm before I thought my highest weight was 315... the scale was off by 37 pounds... that means my highest weight was actually 352... Then I think, "Good God, I was that fat? Jesus!" Isn't that stupid? Thinking about that even makes me feel bad. But I am still motivated. The hurdle I have to jump is a little higher than I thought, but I'm up for the challenge! Realistically, I have another 100+ pounds to lose (*deep breath*). I've come this far already, I'm not going to let a little mind game psych me out. I know I can do it in time. I've been at this for 2 years now. I've lost 70 pounds (used to 80 until my little Halloween fiasco lol - fun size candy bars are the devil!). I've been through ups and downs, but I always manage to come back to the path of better health. I'm going to keep at it, probably for another few years, but I know in the end it will be well worth the struggle and effort. There's no denying that!
Coffee shop worker: Good morning. What can I get you ma'am?
Me: I'd like a medium iced latte.
Coffee shop worker: Would you like a large instead?
There, she said it. "Large" Is she insinuating something? Is she implying I'm large? What does she mean by that? Of course she means absolutely nothing. She's been told by countless managers to try to up sell on every order in an attempt to make more bank in this hideous economy. I know this, but of course I always jump to conclusions.
My list of examples like this goes on and on. Why the hell am I so damn sensitive? I know, I know. Yet AGAIN another fat = low self-esteem issue. What's the big deal, why can't I get over it? (hmm I said 'big', did I mean something by that?) I suppose anyone with any kind of hang up does this. I suppose if you are self conscious cause you are too skinny (God, wish that was my problem), every mention of tiny or small or little sends shivers up your spine. I swear, no one can say anything around me related to size without me thinking way into it. Big, large, huge, fat, round, immense, enormous, ample, bulky, giant, hefty, wide, voluminous... Every time I hear these words... nails on the chalk board. I always think people are out to personally attack me. How dumb. I know that's not true. Like people walk around with a personal agenda to figure out how to spoil my day, mmhmm, yeah right.
Is it just fat people, or does everyone do this? Weigh in and let me know (... there I go again, why do I keep mentioning weight? lol).
Speaking of overly sensitive... my bathroom scale... oh the horror! So I told you last time I FINALLY gave up my fairy tale magic scale, that used to miraculously make me weigh less. Well, I gave up my very last piece of denial about my weight. So what's the verdict? Yup, you guessed it, I'm fat! Apparently the magic scale was off by 37 pounds... THIRTY SEVEN POUNDS!!! At least I'm not deluding myself anymore into thinking I actually weighed 240 pounds... nope, it's just not true. I must say, over the the past week, I feel like I gained 40 pounds. Yeah I know it's only a stupid number, but it got to me. I was so excited weighing myself and seeing 230s and 240s (I know that is still really heavy to some people, but when you've been over 300, that's an accomplishment!). But now that I get on the scale and see (gulp) 282 this morning (clearly all the Halloween candy, cookies, take out, etc, etc, has had it's toll lately! Time to get back on track!!), I have this heaviness I had back when my magic scale said I weighed 282. Isn't that weird? Weight loss is so psychological. I did not change one bit from one day to the next physically, but seeing a larger number makes me feel like I took 40 steps backwards, like I failed or something! Ugh! I keep reminding myself that I've still lost SO MUCH WEIGHT! But then that makes me think... hmm before I thought my highest weight was 315... the scale was off by 37 pounds... that means my highest weight was actually 352... Then I think, "Good God, I was that fat? Jesus!" Isn't that stupid? Thinking about that even makes me feel bad. But I am still motivated. The hurdle I have to jump is a little higher than I thought, but I'm up for the challenge! Realistically, I have another 100+ pounds to lose (*deep breath*). I've come this far already, I'm not going to let a little mind game psych me out. I know I can do it in time. I've been at this for 2 years now. I've lost 70 pounds (used to 80 until my little Halloween fiasco lol - fun size candy bars are the devil!). I've been through ups and downs, but I always manage to come back to the path of better health. I'm going to keep at it, probably for another few years, but I know in the end it will be well worth the struggle and effort. There's no denying that!
10.22.2008
#98 - Numbers
We are surrounded by numbers in our everyday lives. We always talk about numbers: days, weeks, months, years, hours, minutes, seconds, phone numbers, clothes size, number of calories, 8 glasses of water a day, 5 fruits and veggies, percentages at the polls, electoral college votes, the national debt! 99 bottles of beer on the wall? OK maybe a stretch, but you get the idea. Numbers, numbers, numbers! I hate that we are consumed by them!
It's no wonder we are all so fixated on weight, the number I mean. We are constantly surrounded by numbers and we're always making little calculations throughout the day. Who hasn't thought about (or been told what should be) their ideal weight. But are we striving for the right number? Do know where those height and weight charts originally came from? An insurance company!!! Metropolitan Life Insurance Company first developed these height and weight charts back in 1943, which were then revised in 1983. How objective could they have been when doing their calculations? When they came up with these tables they called them desirable weights, meaning that at this weight you had the lowest risk of mortality. Remember this is a life insurance company, they DON'T want you to die, therefore the weight ranges are very conservative. Somewhere along the way these desirable weights became ideal weights, and they've stuck ever since. Here's something that may surprise you. Those height and weight charts specify your weight in clothes (add 3 pounds for women, 5 pounds for men) with 1" heels on. I guess I should have been looking at the 5'7" ranges instead of 5'6" all these years. Who knew? But I have to admit there is some validity to these charts. They do give you weight ranges for the lowest mortality rates. But I think we sometimes take these numbers too seriously and literally. Not everyone fits into the same mold. Clearly there are different frame sizes, different builds, muscle volume, etc. I think you need to find a weight where you are happy and healthy AND it's a weight you can maintain.
Another little random fact about numbers... do you know the origin of the claim that we need to drink 8 glasses of water a day? No one else does either. It's a myth! Of course it's healthy to stay hydrated, but 8 glasses? There is no scientific proof that much is needed! One paper studied this very question (8x8 article). They couldn't find the origin either, but quoted the Food and Nutrition Board of the National Research Council from 1945, which stated, "A suitable allowance of water for adults is 2.5 liters daily in most instances. An ordinary standard for diverse persons is 1 milliliter for each calorie of food [about 8 glasses a day, in other words]. Most of this quantity is contain in prepared foods." Sure they say drink 8 glasses, but right there they state you get most of this from your food. For some reason the 8 glasses rule stuck after this. I still think it's good to drink a lot of water every day, just maybe not THAT much. For one, it's hard to get in all that water every day, and two, you have to pee all damn day! But alas, there are health benefits to a high liquid intake. The prevalence of many cancers, like urinary cancer and colorectal cancer, are reduced in people who drink a lot, and heart disease seems to improve with increased intake. Also water is filling, if you are drinking that much, you probably are eating less, which can definitely help you lose weight. So while the benefits are there, that end all be all number of 8 glasses a day is bogus.
So back to these numbers... my numbers... I try very hard to not concentrate so much on weight, the actual number. I like to think more about progress in terms of how my clothes fit or how good I'm feeling. But even I fall under the spell of my scale as I hypnotically weigh myself, waiting for my defining number to appear. I'm sure you remember me talking about my "magic scale". I have this scale that is WAY off from the doctor's office scale. It's my weight in fairy dream land.. in other words, it weighs me about 30 pounds lighter. Gotta love that, right? Well, in my journey for wellness, part of it has been coming to terms with things in my life and living with a little less denial. That being said... it was time for the magic scale to go.
I've lost 80 pounds (yes, I know, another number). No scale can change that. Sure the number may be a little higher than I thought, but that also means the starting number was higher too. I still have lost 80 pounds! I actually had to make two trips to buy a new bathroom scale. Trip #1 consisted of me heading to the scale section of the department store, trying out a few scales, lowering my head in shame, and walking out to my car and crying. It really hit me hard to see the "real" number on the scale. It was jarring. Well, I managed to muster up the courage and made the attempt again. I put on my emotional blinders, muttering my mantra, "I've lost 80 pounds, I've lost 80 pounds...", and made a bee-line for the scales. I again tried out a couple. Usually when picking out a house-hold item, I hem and haw about the features, the price, the design, whatever, I'm picky I guess. But this time, I plunked a couple scales onto the ground, stepped on a few, took a deep breath, and grabbed one off the shelf and whisked it into my cart with little effort or thought. Like a bandaid, I just had to tear away the magic scale from my life in one fail swoop! With new scale in hand, I'm ready to continue my journey to a healthier me... a little more accurately.
It's no wonder we are all so fixated on weight, the number I mean. We are constantly surrounded by numbers and we're always making little calculations throughout the day. Who hasn't thought about (or been told what should be) their ideal weight. But are we striving for the right number? Do know where those height and weight charts originally came from? An insurance company!!! Metropolitan Life Insurance Company first developed these height and weight charts back in 1943, which were then revised in 1983. How objective could they have been when doing their calculations? When they came up with these tables they called them desirable weights, meaning that at this weight you had the lowest risk of mortality. Remember this is a life insurance company, they DON'T want you to die, therefore the weight ranges are very conservative. Somewhere along the way these desirable weights became ideal weights, and they've stuck ever since. Here's something that may surprise you. Those height and weight charts specify your weight in clothes (add 3 pounds for women, 5 pounds for men) with 1" heels on. I guess I should have been looking at the 5'7" ranges instead of 5'6" all these years. Who knew? But I have to admit there is some validity to these charts. They do give you weight ranges for the lowest mortality rates. But I think we sometimes take these numbers too seriously and literally. Not everyone fits into the same mold. Clearly there are different frame sizes, different builds, muscle volume, etc. I think you need to find a weight where you are happy and healthy AND it's a weight you can maintain.
Another little random fact about numbers... do you know the origin of the claim that we need to drink 8 glasses of water a day? No one else does either. It's a myth! Of course it's healthy to stay hydrated, but 8 glasses? There is no scientific proof that much is needed! One paper studied this very question (8x8 article). They couldn't find the origin either, but quoted the Food and Nutrition Board of the National Research Council from 1945, which stated, "A suitable allowance of water for adults is 2.5 liters daily in most instances. An ordinary standard for diverse persons is 1 milliliter for each calorie of food [about 8 glasses a day, in other words]. Most of this quantity is contain in prepared foods." Sure they say drink 8 glasses, but right there they state you get most of this from your food. For some reason the 8 glasses rule stuck after this. I still think it's good to drink a lot of water every day, just maybe not THAT much. For one, it's hard to get in all that water every day, and two, you have to pee all damn day! But alas, there are health benefits to a high liquid intake. The prevalence of many cancers, like urinary cancer and colorectal cancer, are reduced in people who drink a lot, and heart disease seems to improve with increased intake. Also water is filling, if you are drinking that much, you probably are eating less, which can definitely help you lose weight. So while the benefits are there, that end all be all number of 8 glasses a day is bogus.
So back to these numbers... my numbers... I try very hard to not concentrate so much on weight, the actual number. I like to think more about progress in terms of how my clothes fit or how good I'm feeling. But even I fall under the spell of my scale as I hypnotically weigh myself, waiting for my defining number to appear. I'm sure you remember me talking about my "magic scale". I have this scale that is WAY off from the doctor's office scale. It's my weight in fairy dream land.. in other words, it weighs me about 30 pounds lighter. Gotta love that, right? Well, in my journey for wellness, part of it has been coming to terms with things in my life and living with a little less denial. That being said... it was time for the magic scale to go.
I've lost 80 pounds (yes, I know, another number). No scale can change that. Sure the number may be a little higher than I thought, but that also means the starting number was higher too. I still have lost 80 pounds! I actually had to make two trips to buy a new bathroom scale. Trip #1 consisted of me heading to the scale section of the department store, trying out a few scales, lowering my head in shame, and walking out to my car and crying. It really hit me hard to see the "real" number on the scale. It was jarring. Well, I managed to muster up the courage and made the attempt again. I put on my emotional blinders, muttering my mantra, "I've lost 80 pounds, I've lost 80 pounds...", and made a bee-line for the scales. I again tried out a couple. Usually when picking out a house-hold item, I hem and haw about the features, the price, the design, whatever, I'm picky I guess. But this time, I plunked a couple scales onto the ground, stepped on a few, took a deep breath, and grabbed one off the shelf and whisked it into my cart with little effort or thought. Like a bandaid, I just had to tear away the magic scale from my life in one fail swoop! With new scale in hand, I'm ready to continue my journey to a healthier me... a little more accurately.
9.23.2008
#97 - Feeling like an outsider
Why is it that when I'm fat, I feel like a total outsider in life? I feel like I'm always sitting out on the sidelines, waiting for something to happen. I'm like this lurker through life, just sitting back and observing. I've said before that fat people are invisible to the world, but really, fat people do what ever they can to make themselves invisible. Are we really being ignored, or are we hiding ourselves from life?
Sometimes I feel like the sidekick in my own life when I should be the headliner! Why do we let this happen? Why do we let shame and embarrassment and all that other crap that comes with being overweight get in the way, why do we let those feelings rule our lives? I feel like I have to force myself out of my cocoon every once in a while and face life as me, the star of my life, instead of sulking back in the shadows, watching life pass me by. Is it like this for everyone in life? Do we all have to make an effort to be assertive? Or is this, yet again, another self esteem issue brought on by obesity? I seem to know a lot of heavy people that fit into this category. Most of the skinny people I know seem pretty confident with themselves. Life seems easy for them. OK OK, I know I'm generalizing! I'm sure there are plenty of self-conscience skinny people and just as many confident fat people. But maybe it is easier for the thin person to be confident, because they never get the leers and jeers that fat people have to deal with. If you are a confident fat person, you have an amazing sense of self worth. It means not only are you able to look past all the crap life throws at us, but you are also able to deal with the onslaught on insults that fat people deal with, letting all of that roll off your back. If you are one of those people, hats off to you! I struggle everyday to be that type of confident person.
This whole idea of feeling like an outsider came to me as I was sitting on the train, riding back from a business meeting. I could see all these confident business people around me, and I sat there lurking in the shadows, trying yet again to make myself fat self invisible. How is that all these business people can be so confident? I felt like I didn't fit into that crowd of business types, but really I did. The funny thing is, I am one of those business people. I have every right to call myself a successful business person, but I sat there on the train thinking I was less than the people I saw around me. Any why? Because they were thinner than me? How stupid! I'm a smart woman! The outside is NOT what counts! Confidence, don't fail me now!
Yes, I know it's been ages since I've posted. I've been crazy busy at work, leaving me little time to relax let alone write. But I'm back! Never fear, I haven't given up. So... update time. Since I last blogged, I've lost another 6 pounds (that's a rate of 3 pounds lost per month, slow but steady!). I had a funny revelation on the train today. I got up from my seat and nearly walked out of my pants. Seriously. When you start rolling the waistband of your pants over 3 times to keep them from falling off... it's time to buy new work clothes! I guess I'm just trying to get as much life out of them as I can. But just imagine how I would have looked on the train if I had lost my pants. I could picture myself standing there in the aisle with my pants around my ankles... That would have been hilarious! Honestly, I don't think I would have been mortified like some people may have been if their pants dropped to the floor. I would be laughing my ass off! I guess that's one way I've learned to cope with life. Sometimes the best thing to do in life is laugh! Maybe sometimes I struggle to be the star in my own life, but at least I have the comic relief down.
Sometimes I feel like the sidekick in my own life when I should be the headliner! Why do we let this happen? Why do we let shame and embarrassment and all that other crap that comes with being overweight get in the way, why do we let those feelings rule our lives? I feel like I have to force myself out of my cocoon every once in a while and face life as me, the star of my life, instead of sulking back in the shadows, watching life pass me by. Is it like this for everyone in life? Do we all have to make an effort to be assertive? Or is this, yet again, another self esteem issue brought on by obesity? I seem to know a lot of heavy people that fit into this category. Most of the skinny people I know seem pretty confident with themselves. Life seems easy for them. OK OK, I know I'm generalizing! I'm sure there are plenty of self-conscience skinny people and just as many confident fat people. But maybe it is easier for the thin person to be confident, because they never get the leers and jeers that fat people have to deal with. If you are a confident fat person, you have an amazing sense of self worth. It means not only are you able to look past all the crap life throws at us, but you are also able to deal with the onslaught on insults that fat people deal with, letting all of that roll off your back. If you are one of those people, hats off to you! I struggle everyday to be that type of confident person.
This whole idea of feeling like an outsider came to me as I was sitting on the train, riding back from a business meeting. I could see all these confident business people around me, and I sat there lurking in the shadows, trying yet again to make myself fat self invisible. How is that all these business people can be so confident? I felt like I didn't fit into that crowd of business types, but really I did. The funny thing is, I am one of those business people. I have every right to call myself a successful business person, but I sat there on the train thinking I was less than the people I saw around me. Any why? Because they were thinner than me? How stupid! I'm a smart woman! The outside is NOT what counts! Confidence, don't fail me now!
Yes, I know it's been ages since I've posted. I've been crazy busy at work, leaving me little time to relax let alone write. But I'm back! Never fear, I haven't given up. So... update time. Since I last blogged, I've lost another 6 pounds (that's a rate of 3 pounds lost per month, slow but steady!). I had a funny revelation on the train today. I got up from my seat and nearly walked out of my pants. Seriously. When you start rolling the waistband of your pants over 3 times to keep them from falling off... it's time to buy new work clothes! I guess I'm just trying to get as much life out of them as I can. But just imagine how I would have looked on the train if I had lost my pants. I could picture myself standing there in the aisle with my pants around my ankles... That would have been hilarious! Honestly, I don't think I would have been mortified like some people may have been if their pants dropped to the floor. I would be laughing my ass off! I guess that's one way I've learned to cope with life. Sometimes the best thing to do in life is laugh! Maybe sometimes I struggle to be the star in my own life, but at least I have the comic relief down.
7.26.2008
#96 - Going to concerts...
One thing I really hate about being fat is that I simply take up too much space. While everyone around me seems to fit into a nice little package, I'm sitting there like a giant blob. Every time I've gone to a concert or some kind of stadium event I feel totally cramped into my little seat. Clearly seating in these places was designed for the average 160 person. I feel bad about it. I feel bad that my girth hangs over to neighboring seats. I feel like I encroach on my neighbors personal space. So every time I go to a concert or anything I always get an aisle seat, that way I can lean a bit to the side to accommodate my seat mate. Being fat can be so embarrassing. Haven't you ever got on a plane or gone to a concert and seen the look on the persons face sitting next to you? As you walk down the aisle you can see them thinking, "Don't sit by me, don't sit by me..." And then the little frown as you plop down next to them. Embarrassing. I hate that I have to plan ahead just because I'm fat. I've even turned down free tickets to a concert because I knew they weren't aisle seats. Isn't that crazy? Free tickets! But no... too embarrassed to squeeze into the spot. Of course I've done it, that's why I know it's awful. You sit in the middle of the row, futility squeezing your arms together, attempting to take up less space. You can manage to do it, but most of the concert is spent in total discomfort, and by the end of the concert you are totally sore from all the contorting you have done trying to make your body smaller. How sad! I hate being fat!
My quest for a smaller body is chugging along. I'm still losing weight, albeit slowly (which is GOOD!). This time around I'm not racing to lose the weight, cause clearly that has never worked for me in the past. I can lose weight pretty easy, but I'm terrible at keeping it off. I always seem to gain back any weight I've lost plus 10 pounds. Doing this over and over and over again shot me all the way up to 315 pounds at one point. My goals now are very, very small. Eat better, try to move more, and see if I can manage to lose 0.5-1 pound per week (2-4 pound/month). That probably sounds super slow to some of you, but every doctor I've talked to is wicked happy with that slow progress. All the research I've read indicates that the slowest weight loss is the easiest to maintain. Why is that? One reason is the body's set point. Your body gets used to being a certain weight. Say you're 225 pounds. You diet and fast and lose 25 pounds in a couple weeks. Your brain still thinks you should weigh 225 pounds. So basically it's fighting against you, trying desperately to get you back to 225 pounds. It's thinks you're starving. So your weight loss slows, your appetite increases, and low and behold, you gain the weight back within months. There are various technical/medical reasons behind this. I won't get into all of it, but one thing that happens is your body makes a certain amount of insulin based on how much you eat. Insulin is the chemical that breaks down the sugars you eat. So your body is plodding along make a ton of insulin every day since you eat a lot. Then one day you stop eating (or start eating very little). You have less sugar in your bloodstream, but still have the same amount of insulin, too much insulin. What happens? Your blood sugar ends up dropping too low, and you feel hungry, cranky, irritable, and miserable. Don't you love dieting? Over time, your body will start making less insulin, but this is a slow process. Alternatively, if you lose the weight very slowly, you can trick your body. The body adapts VERY slowly to weight fluctuations. Eating a little less over time can help you get through this adaptation phase. This is just one example. Metabolism is pretty complex, but needless to say, it takes slow weight loss for the body to get used to the idea of being smaller. Crash diet and your body will think you are starving and do what ever it can to get you back up to that higher set point weight. So slow down! It's not a race! Eventually, overtime, you can whittle your body down to the point where you'll take up less space. Maybe even to the point where you can comfortably sit in the middle of the row at a concert once again!
My quest for a smaller body is chugging along. I'm still losing weight, albeit slowly (which is GOOD!). This time around I'm not racing to lose the weight, cause clearly that has never worked for me in the past. I can lose weight pretty easy, but I'm terrible at keeping it off. I always seem to gain back any weight I've lost plus 10 pounds. Doing this over and over and over again shot me all the way up to 315 pounds at one point. My goals now are very, very small. Eat better, try to move more, and see if I can manage to lose 0.5-1 pound per week (2-4 pound/month). That probably sounds super slow to some of you, but every doctor I've talked to is wicked happy with that slow progress. All the research I've read indicates that the slowest weight loss is the easiest to maintain. Why is that? One reason is the body's set point. Your body gets used to being a certain weight. Say you're 225 pounds. You diet and fast and lose 25 pounds in a couple weeks. Your brain still thinks you should weigh 225 pounds. So basically it's fighting against you, trying desperately to get you back to 225 pounds. It's thinks you're starving. So your weight loss slows, your appetite increases, and low and behold, you gain the weight back within months. There are various technical/medical reasons behind this. I won't get into all of it, but one thing that happens is your body makes a certain amount of insulin based on how much you eat. Insulin is the chemical that breaks down the sugars you eat. So your body is plodding along make a ton of insulin every day since you eat a lot. Then one day you stop eating (or start eating very little). You have less sugar in your bloodstream, but still have the same amount of insulin, too much insulin. What happens? Your blood sugar ends up dropping too low, and you feel hungry, cranky, irritable, and miserable. Don't you love dieting? Over time, your body will start making less insulin, but this is a slow process. Alternatively, if you lose the weight very slowly, you can trick your body. The body adapts VERY slowly to weight fluctuations. Eating a little less over time can help you get through this adaptation phase. This is just one example. Metabolism is pretty complex, but needless to say, it takes slow weight loss for the body to get used to the idea of being smaller. Crash diet and your body will think you are starving and do what ever it can to get you back up to that higher set point weight. So slow down! It's not a race! Eventually, overtime, you can whittle your body down to the point where you'll take up less space. Maybe even to the point where you can comfortably sit in the middle of the row at a concert once again!
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