11.04.2008

#99 - Being Hypersensitive

I hate than when I'm fat, I find I'm so sensitive to what people around me are saying. I always assume some hidden meaning in every little sentence. Like it's not bad enough I think people are looking at me because I'm fat, now I think they're somehow giving me some message in secret code when they talk to me. Here's an example.

Coffee shop worker: Good morning. What can I get you ma'am?
Me: I'd like a medium iced latte.
Coffee shop worker: Would you like a large instead?

There, she said it. "Large" Is she insinuating something? Is she implying I'm large? What does she mean by that? Of course she means absolutely nothing. She's been told by countless managers to try to up sell on every order in an attempt to make more bank in this hideous economy. I know this, but of course I always jump to conclusions.

My list of examples like this goes on and on. Why the hell am I so damn sensitive? I know, I know. Yet AGAIN another fat = low self-esteem issue. What's the big deal, why can't I get over it? (hmm I said 'big', did I mean something by that?) I suppose anyone with any kind of hang up does this. I suppose if you are self conscious cause you are too skinny (God, wish that was my problem), every mention of tiny or small or little sends shivers up your spine. I swear, no one can say anything around me related to size without me thinking way into it. Big, large, huge, fat, round, immense, enormous, ample, bulky, giant, hefty, wide, voluminous... Every time I hear these words... nails on the chalk board. I always think people are out to personally attack me. How dumb. I know that's not true. Like people walk around with a personal agenda to figure out how to spoil my day, mmhmm, yeah right.

Is it just fat people, or does everyone do this? Weigh in and let me know (... there I go again, why do I keep mentioning weight? lol).

Speaking of overly sensitive... my bathroom scale... oh the horror! So I told you last time I FINALLY gave up my fairy tale magic scale, that used to miraculously make me weigh less. Well, I gave up my very last piece of denial about my weight. So what's the verdict? Yup, you guessed it, I'm fat! Apparently the magic scale was off by 37 pounds... THIRTY SEVEN POUNDS!!! At least I'm not deluding myself anymore into thinking I actually weighed 240 pounds... nope, it's just not true. I must say, over the the past week, I feel like I gained 40 pounds. Yeah I know it's only a stupid number, but it got to me. I was so excited weighing myself and seeing 230s and 240s (I know that is still really heavy to some people, but when you've been over 300, that's an accomplishment!). But now that I get on the scale and see (gulp) 282 this morning (clearly all the Halloween candy, cookies, take out, etc, etc, has had it's toll lately! Time to get back on track!!), I have this heaviness I had back when my magic scale said I weighed 282. Isn't that weird? Weight loss is so psychological. I did not change one bit from one day to the next physically, but seeing a larger number makes me feel like I took 40 steps backwards, like I failed or something! Ugh! I keep reminding myself that I've still lost SO MUCH WEIGHT! But then that makes me think... hmm before I thought my highest weight was 315... the scale was off by 37 pounds... that means my highest weight was actually 352... Then I think, "Good God, I was that fat? Jesus!" Isn't that stupid? Thinking about that even makes me feel bad. But I am still motivated. The hurdle I have to jump is a little higher than I thought, but I'm up for the challenge! Realistically, I have another 100+ pounds to lose (*deep breath*). I've come this far already, I'm not going to let a little mind game psych me out. I know I can do it in time. I've been at this for 2 years now. I've lost 70 pounds (used to 80 until my little Halloween fiasco lol - fun size candy bars are the devil!). I've been through ups and downs, but I always manage to come back to the path of better health. I'm going to keep at it, probably for another few years, but I know in the end it will be well worth the struggle and effort. There's no denying that!

50 comments:

aworkingmomsjoy said...

I am right with ya! I dread buying a new scale but I have to be realistic. Anyway, great job on what you have lost and keep up the good work!!! (Hershey minitures are from the devil!!)

Sandy

E said...

Fun size candy bars ARE the devil! And not a lot of fun.

Great job though--I'm sure the more you lose, the less sensitive you will be to "those" words.

MizFit said...

and the most important part of this whole powerful post:

I AM KEEPING AT IT.

Lost Half of Me said...

Great post! I know it was a tremendous blow to "feel" like you gained that 37 pounds overnight, although we know that isn't the case. I was so impressed with the attitude on continuing on your journey and recognizing that the end result is SOOOOOO worth the effort. Keep up the great work...70 pounds is a huge accomplishment that you should be so proud of.

Chub said...

Hi!
I just discovered your blog, since I wanted to write "all the reasons why being chubby sucks". I googled it and found you!
So I'll be reading you instead and I just started a blog to hopefully chronicle my progress (and rant too!)
Good job on all the weight loss and sorry about the lying scale! LOL

butterfly said...

Were we separated at birth?
Anytime ANYONE says a PEEP 1000000 thoughts start going through my head. I start wondering what is hidden between the lines, what the person is implying etc etc.. arghhh!

You should be so proud of your accomplishment. No one said that this journey is a run down a hill. There are bumps along the way!

You're hilarious. Thanks for that post!

Katly said...

the last comment was right, you are hilarious. I read your blog often and I am actually featuring your last post on BGDC. www.big-girls-dont-cry.com - I think what you say is absolutely right. I think your progress is outstanding. People like yourself gives me hope that I can do it too. Thanks for sharing your journey with us.

Kery said...

Hmm... I wonder though if we don't feel like there's something hidden behind the words, just because, well, there often is? And there are also moments when other people are quite 'open' about it. I always feel weird when I say that I don't want sugar in my coffee, and immediately the other person asks "oh? Why, are you on a diet?". It's like it doesn't even occur to them anymore that maybe, just maybe, I don't like the taste of coffee with sugar?

So yeah, is it being over-sensitive, or simply being used to snide remarks...?

Melanie said...

I don't think you are hypersensitive, I suspect it's residual from the times (if you are anything like me)that people said stuff and DID mean something by it. Now you have to analyze innocent statements to make sure that there isn't any malice in it. I can relate, unfortunately. :/

Cinderella Big Butt said...

I have just stumbled across your blog, and just wanted to say thank-you for verbalising all of those things that suck about being overweight that I couldnt bring myself to do.

THANK YOU.

And i hear you about the hypersensitive thing- last week at work we all had to do this stupid game where we all pick out an animal that represents ourselves and speak in front of everyone in terms of why we are like this animal.And the whole damn time I was thinking- are other people thinking I should say Pig? Should I say pig?!

Argh. Did my head in!

I have just started my own blog, feel free to pop in sometime.

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tisha85 said...

You've done a great job. Hang in there! And I agree 100% with you...the bite sized, mini candy at Halloween is pure EVIL!

FatGirl said...

70 lbs is still 70 lbs, and the important thing is that number is going down!

My Skinny Mission said...

your blogs are so funny and true.. i think a lot of us big girls can relate.. keep em coming im back reading now

Token Fat Girl said...

yes yes yes to the oversensitive part. I blame EVERYTHING on my weight. I always assume that someone doesn't like me because I'm fat, but sometimes I just have a bad attitude!

Ruth said...

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Rhea said...

I have never owned a scale. True, I have never been 'fat' but I am still plagued by that female thing of always thinking I need to lose some weight. Forget the scale.

Anonymous said...

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Trinkletty said...

I know exactly what you mean - everything you write in your blog is something I can so relate to! I went to my doctor's office today to get a medical clearance filled out for a weight-loss retreat I'm leaving for in two days, and I wound up in tears when she told me I'd have to come back tomorrow to get it done because it had taken me 5 weeks to get up the courage to go and step on the scales in front of another person for the first time in 6 years!

Gigi said...

Just found your blog and loved this funny post. It's so true - at higher weights the higher sensitivity really does kick in. I don't think there's a scale big enough to weigh the chip on my shoulder some days.

Keep up the good work.

Scale Junkie said...

I think you hear the comments so often because people are saying them. I've ordered a chicken sandwich before and the girl felt the need to tell me that it came in a grilled version. So I have to explain to her that the sandwich isn't for me, its for my skinny husband...yeah. I have issues too.

theantijared said...

I love your blog. I can think of 101 more reasons I hate being "fat, but I also know you seem to be on track!!!

Elly said...

Keep it up - I went online to find some support for my weight loss journey. My weight has gotten so high that I'm pretty freaked out. I wish you continued success!

sherifer921 said...

and the most important part of this whole powerful post:

I AM KEEPING AT IT.

that very ture

Anonymous said...

I can so relate to being oversensitive to people's comments, as benign as they may be. Last night, Thanksgiving, my brother's girlfriend mentioned a recipe from a cook book and explained that it has "traditional recipes that have been made over to be healthy." You know I have been ruminated over that comment since, thinking that she meant to add "and you should start using that cookbook since you are so fat and unhealthy." It hurt, especially coming from her, as she is like 130 and 5' 8" - Argh.

mrsthighs said...

Oh, I can relate to this! When I went to Australia a few years ago, one of my cousins asked me if I flew first class. Chances are she meant that she couldn't fathom flying for more than 20 hours in couch. But I, being 326 lbs at the time, took it to mean, "How did you fit in an economy seat?"

You're doing great so far, though. I know it's hard, but try not to let comments get to you. Remember that you're inspiring the rest of us!

Getting fit said...

Remember often people don't mean to hurt you. Be strong

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Anonymous said...

plump animals are thought to be beautiful, a skinny cat, dog, horse etc is considered to by in need of a feeding and in terrible condition. The absolute reverse applies to humans (in this period) but fashions and perceptions are inpermanent. Don't be so worried about what the sheep are saying or thinking, keep doing what is right and healthy for you and good luck to you, your honesty and sense of humor speak more of who you are than some stupid number on an accurate or otherwise scale.

Annie xx said...

Oh my goodness! I can completely relate to everything you've said! It's not only the little things that sales reps say, but the things that family and friends say too. Sometimes someone close to you says something about you when you were younger (and thinner) and you immediately think that he/she's referring to your weight gain. I'm just starting my diet (blogging about it too) and you're becoming a real inspiration!

Anonymous said...

just stumbled upon this blog, and wanted to comment on the whole being sensitive to what people say to you in everyday life. I do this constantly, though it has nothing to do with weight. I spend probably half of my day going over everything everyone has said to me that day, and trying to figure out what they really meant by it. Anyway, you're not the only one.

Good luck with everything! I will be rooting for you!

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autumn said...

Hum! Are you in my brain? It doesn't take much for me to jump to conclusions about what people are saying. I will definitely be checking up on this blog from now on. :)

elliedee said...

Nobody's out to get you with oversized comments, but I know how you feel. Even when I'm losing weight, I'm sensitive about words relating to size.

And we're not alone. Even my 100-lb. sister cringes everytime someone says "tiny" and gets offended by "small talk."

Vertie said...

Great post and personally so true. This is exactly the blog I was looking for :-).
Keep up the good work please.

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rosie said...

You really can write can't you, what an excellent and informative blog.

For my own weight issues starting from the 'puppy fat' years right the way through adult life. I can confirm that I am hypersensitive about what people say. What annoys me the most is the people saying it look no better themselves!

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Anonymous said...

I used to work in a fast food restaurant and we were trained to say that. I'm sure she wasn't implying anything, it was just a part of her job! I remember asking a woman if she wanted an upsize and she looked so offended - I didn't mean to offend her I was just saying what my manager asked me to. I am a big girl too so IDK why she would think I was implying she was fat

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Ruth James said...

It is a hard realization that you may have a problem. When I realized that I was overweight I fought so hard to stay in denial. I had convinced myself that I was fine. But I was anything but fine. I spoke with a counselor and got the help I needed. I am so happy now, it amazes me still. I wish you the best of luck.
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