8.22.2007

#79 - Thinking about weight ALL the time!

I hate that when I'm fat I think about my weight pretty much every waking minute of every day. And no, I'm not constantly thinking I need to lose weight or what exactly do I weigh, but rather, it's this subtle thing I do all day long thinking about my weight in different ways. Let me give you an example of my thought process.

A typical day:

I wake up in the morning head to the bathroom, do my morning rituals and then weigh myself (thought #1 about weight for the day). Then I slip on some clothes and consider how big my butt looks in these jeans (thought #2). I pick out a shirt long enough that disguises my flabby tummy (thought #3). I survey my choices in the full length mirror, noticing that I look a little bloated today, maybe it was something I ate yesterday (#4). I head downstairs and hear the stairs creak as I walk down, and I wonder if I were thinner would the stairs creak so much (#5). I wander into the kitchen tired and hungry, in search of breakfast. I open the cupboards and consider which cereal to eat... Lucky Charms (too much sugar will make me gain weight - #6)... Cheerios (pretty good choice, in the long run might help me lose weight - #7)... Fiber One (better choice, nutritionists say fiber can really help the weight loss process - #8)... then decide I decide on the Cheerios. I go to the cupboard and look for a bowl... hmm... big bowl? little bowl? The little bowl is better portion control for weight loss (#9). I take my little bowl of Cheerios to the living room and watch some morning TV as I eat. A commercial with a waif thin model comes on trying to sell me tampons. I think "could I ever be that thin?" (#10). Before I can blink, my cheerios are gone, and I think I ate way too fast, do skinny people eat this fast? I really should slow down my eating to help me lose weight (#11). I relax a bit before work with a little more TV. More commercials with skinny people remind me how much weight I have to lose and I think about my weight loss goals for the umpteenth time (#12). I grab my keys and head out the door for work. I walk downstairs to the garage, again hearing the stairs creak, so I think again about if I were thinner they probably wouldn't creak so much (#13). I hop in the car and fasten my seatbelt and remember that just a few months ago I couldn't even fasten my seatbelt cause I was so fat (#14). I drive to work and pull into my parking space in the garage and hop out of the car. My parking space is about a block or so from my building to I start walking in. I get about 100 meters and my calves start to ache from carrying the weight of my body (damn I'm too fat - #15). It makes me think I am so out of shape and I really need to step up my exercise program if I really want to keep losing weight (#16). I make it into the building and hit the button for the elevator. I see a skinny guy pass the elevator and run up the stairs. If I were thinner would I walk up the stairs? (#17) But then I consider that he probably works on the 2nd floor while I work on the 11th floor. I would die walking up 11 flights of stairs at this size (#18). As I wait for the elevator I realize how sore my calf muscles are from walking and I stretch a little bit again chastising myself for not exercising more (#19). The elevator door opens and I get in, as the doors close my eyes wander to the weight limit sign on the elevator... 2500 pounds?... OK I guess I'm not too fat to ride the elevator (#20). I arrive on my floor and walk to my office, greeting my co-workers as they pass by. "Hi there," (Wow she looks skinny in those jeans! Why can't I be that skinny? - #21). "Good morning," (I bet she has never been on a diet in her life, while I've been on one since birth - #22). "How you doing?" (omg, why do men never have to worry about weight? he is so thin! - #23). I plop down at my desk, still slightly out of breath from the walking, and think more that I NEED to exercise more to get over this huffing and puffing thing (#24). I open up my email and see I have some new comments on my blog (I LOVE to read comments!!!). I read the comments and think about my next post, thinking about my weight loss progress (#25). After that, I'm ready to start my work day.

OK you get the idea. That was a slice of my life in about a two hour window and I thought about weight or weight loss 25 times!!! And this is no exaggeration. In fact, I have probably left out some of my "fat" thoughts. But let's say this is pretty typical. Multiply the number of my thoughts about weight in a given hour by 16 (the waking hours - cause strangely I'm always thin in my dreams, so I never think about being fat when I'm asleep - lol). That comes to an average of 200 times I think about weight in a given day. And like I said, this is probably an underestimate. OK maybe I'm insane, or OCD, or something, but from what I hear from other fat people, this is pretty typical. Am I right? Do you think about weight this much?

I really hate this about being fat. Sure, EVERYONE thinks about weight at some point, probably even everyday... should I eat that Snickers bar? do these jeans make me look fat? I should eat more fruits and veggies to help my weight..... etc., etc. But I think it's only fat people that totally obsess over it, that are consumed by these thoughts every waking minute of every day. I know when I was thinner, I didn't obsess like this, I didn't CONSTANTLY think about it. I hate being fat! Damn, it really takes a lot of energy to constantly think about weight. I really need to focus my attention to more productive things (like losing weight... #26... hehe, just kidding...well OK, maybe not, hahaha).

39 comments:

Chubby Chick said...

Oh my God! I can SO relate to this post...and to pretty much all of your posts! lol

I CONSTANTLY am thinking about how much I need to lose weight. It is the first thing on my mind in the morning (deciding which healthy breakfast food will help me lose weight), and the last thing I think about before I go to sleep ("darn...wish I wasn't so freaking fat...it'd probably be easier to turn over in bed.") Last night, while walking through the house, the floor creaked, and I thought..."bet the floor wouldn't creak if I wasn't so fat." lol

I HATE being obsessed about my weight 24/7! I hope when I'm thin my weight isn't on my mind so much. It really is a pain in the butt to be thinking about it all the time.

I love your blog. You have a talent for putting into words exactly what every fat girl is feeling.

Autumnseer said...

I completely relate as well. It really wears you out sometimes. Thin people have no idea. Just simply no idea.

Brenda said...

I just found your blog a couple of days ago. I think that you crawled into my brain to write all of this! I can't believe I am not the only one who feels this way. Thank you so much for your inspiration. Promise you won't quit when you get to 101.

Erica said...

I am a thin person and I think about my weight constantly. It makes me wonder if it's less a heavy person thing and more a woman thing...? That being said, I know that I do have it easier because to the rest of the world I look "good." Believe me, I don't take it for granted.
I also wanted to say that I really like your blog. My mother was very heavy most of my life and I never understood the complex reasons why until recently. Reading your blog helps me understand life from her view. Thank you for that. You're helping and inspiring a lot of people with your writing.
Good luck to you as you continue on your journey, and congratulations on how far you've come!

Jesse said...

Great post. You're not alone. I think about my weight constantly and it is an OCD thing (lol!). Keep posting. I always look forward to reading what you have to say next...and I agree with an earlier comment and that is don't quit after 101!

Regards,

Jesse

PS Now to go for my walk!

Robin Bayne said...

Even those of us who need to lose a small amount, it's always on our minds.

Have you seen that commercial with the woman dragging a scale around all day, chained to her foot?

honib1 said...

Okay ... so the bottom line is we all think about weight.. those of us trying to make changes think about weight often.. and thats not a bad thing... but you also need to think about what a great person you are aside from your weight.. that your character is not built by the pounds you weigh but by the person you are and the way you treat those around you... so perhaps instead of focusing on .. look at him .... look at her... why not look at you and say.. look at my accomplishments.. I am doing doing great.. life is good.. I will keep getting healthier and stronger.. because when you cut right down to it... those things folks you see.. I promise you.. they are thinking .. if I were this or if I were that.. they probably are not satisified either.. so be ahead of them.. dont be them.. be satisfied with who you are.. right now.. and look towards the future as the chance to only accomplish more...

Marshmallow said...

This is an excellent post! I found myself nodding all the way through it - and one thing I wonder is even if I get to my goal weight, will I STILL think like this? Sadly, I think I will :-(

Alea said...

Great post! All has been said already, and I'm not leaving this comment because I've got something extraordinarily clever or witty to say, but because you love getting comments. Yeah, so here's mine! :)

I enjoy reading your blog. Keep up the good work!

Kat E said...

YES YES YES, I can so relate to this. It was worse during the period of my life that was consumed by an eating disorder (understandably) but the thoughts never really stop. I don't think they ever will, either.

Kimchi said...

Loved this entry. I have gone from being fat to being thin and I still think about it all the time. I don't know if you lose whether this particular obsession stops. It seemed when I was fat, I thought if I just got down to a normal weight, I could get it off my mind, but I still criticize myself naked in the mirror, and pick apart my reflection in passing windows and compare myself to every other woman I pass. Is this a fat thing or simply a chick thing? I don't know, but I enjoyed this blog entry. It's nice to know I'm not alone in feeling this way.

Anonymous said...

Aahhh.. I'm just like you! I think about my weight and being fat at least 200 times a day. I probably think about food that much too, but only in the obsessive- what can i eat that won't make me fatter way.

I just started to read your blog-- i'm excited to go through it! I'm 5'7" and 150 pounds.. people don't think i'm very overweight, but i think i'm the hugest person on the planet! xxx

Lynn said...

Terrific post! I think about my weight AND food, non-stop. I wonder if I have issues, or is this just the way it was when you have poor body images/self esteem and are trying to lose weight?

Either way, it's great not to be alone and only a little crazy :)

Lyn said...

I was just thinking about this stuff the other day! I was trying to stop letting weight loss consume my life. I have five kids for heaven's sake! But my whole life revolves around which snack I should have and how much weight I have lost or gained! I am so tired of thinking about it all the time. Does it ever stop?

The Pound Slayer said...

I would say I definitely think about weight as much as you do. I can't wait to get rid of some poundage so I can think about other things. Imagine how much time and energy will be freed up for devotion to other things... like being athletic, learning a musical instrument, developing my web design skills... I can't wait!

Susan said...

That was so funny - I can relate to every word! I'm sure you don't want to hear this, but that obsessive thinking continued (well, for me anyway) after I lost weight. But now I obsess over diet and exercise - maybe I should have stretched for a bit longer, or pushed myself a bit harder in my cardio session, maybe I should buy another workout DVD...

When someone comments on my exercise program I think "Hah! It's easy for you - you've never been fat!". And I always think I could be just a bit thinner. And so on...

Maybe you could try getting in some cardio before work? It's a great stress reliever and when you're tempted to think negative thoughts, you can say to yourself "Hey, I did my cardio session!"

Christine said...

Wow. Great post today. Made me realize how many times I think about my weight too. Scary stuff.

I love Lucky Charms - not the best. Hate Cheerios unless they are honey nut - but instead I eat my nasty ass bran flakes each morning and pretend and dream! :)

Anonymous said...

Thoughts about my weight consume me on a daily basis.
Gosh girl... you are writing my thoughts...
You're hysterical!

Anonymous said...

Just so you know. If you're losing weight. The WORST thing you can do is starve yourself. Eat a Big Breakfast, remember, breakfast is the most important meal. Dont starve yourself, starving yourself will just make you pig out more later.

Good Luck!

The Lassie said...

Unfortunately I also always think of weight-related things. Constantly. I honestly do hope this will change eventually, as I am not sure exactly how sane it is to be so obsessed with something. ;)

Love your blog! :)

Anonymous said...

I am 5'7", 27 years old, I have never weighed more than 160, am currently 145 and think about my weight/other's weight/food at least as much as you do. It is an overwhelming point of focus in our society. I just try to balance each negative thought with a positive/non-weight thought.

Good luck- you look so happy & beautiful in your progress pic.

Christie said...

I think most of us feel this way.
I have never sat down to try and think it through/record it like you have, so I just started thinking it through in my head, and yeah, I probably think about it almost that much.

But the great part is as I make progress I can start throwing some good thoughts in there too like... "this shirt I'm wearing today didn't fit last month - yay!" and "wow, I'm full after such a small meal, that rocks".

Just do everything you can to think positively!

Weightloss Diet Watch said...

hi buddy

wooow interesting post,and btw until unless if u won't stick to ur dieting plans properly u can never be success,so be optimistic and u can achieve everything.
And one more thing.... i enjoyed reading ur blog buddy.keep on going

Nory Roth said...

WOW!!! Loved this post!!! I think about weight, losing weight, eating, eating less, eating healthfully, eating nothing, exercising, not exercising enough, not exercising at all, size (both mine and others), etc. etc. etc.

It is endless, boring, repetitive, and beats like a relentless drum in my mind. It is part of our culture, and part of the "fat" mind-set.

I love reading your posts. It's like you are reading my mind. Keep up the fantastic work! ;)

Anonymous said...

I cannot tell you how much identified with this post..It seems that everywhere I go I'm always looking at other people and how thin they are-yeah yeah i know you're not supposed to compare yourself, but come on..
The strange thing is that as I lose more and more weight and become closer to my target weight..I've actually become more obsessed with these thoughts about weight..I'm constantly planning out my meals, doing quick math in my head, to make sure i don't go over my daily calorie requirement..
I guess the only difference is between us is that you didn't feel this way as much when you were thinner, whereas I'm beginning to feel more and more like this as I lose weight..
Perhaps weight loss becomes obsessive because we have a fear of not wanting to gain the weight back though..which I know is a huge fear for me.

Shelley said...

I've been reading for a while. I just think your blog is amazing....more honest than I could ever be.

And..because I adore your blog so much, I picked it as one of my 5 in celebration of Blog Day!

Anonymous said...

Where are you?? Come baack, post some more! I miss your posts! And how much have you lost now?

Aimee said...

I can totally relate to all of this too. I'd love to go throughout the entire day and not think about my weight even once. Maybe one day.... :)

Anonymous said...

I believe that everyone concerned with his or her weight thinks about it constantly, so your worries are not merely because you are overweight. They are because you are uncomfortable with it, and worried about it.

Stephanie said...

It's so funny, because I, too and always skinnier in my dreams! haha

Rummy said...

Well first off i am about 10 pounds too heavy. not much at all in the realm of fatness. But, the trend i notice is that you watch TV in your "spare" time. Don't spend time caring about how people on TV look. Use that time to do sit ups. If you watched TV for 10 minutes do jumping jack,sit ups, leg ups ,etc for 10 minutes...geez!

If you want to lose weight you have to MOVE! you can't assume eating better is going to do it for you. That is really the key element that coincides with working out your body and burning those calories... OH MY GOD, PEOPLE!


Sincerly,

Rummy Rum

karaokekitty said...

OK I don't comment on the posts much, but sometimes I gotta speak up.

Rummy Rum... do you even read this blog? You say I watch too much TV... well I've been talking for months that I've totally given up on TV, so that's not the problem. And exercise? Sure I hate it, but I do it. Of course you can't expect to lose weight if you don't exercise. It's been my mantra for the past millionth posts: eat less, move more.

I love to hear from you guys, but come on. If you're gonna post, have the decency to at least read them.

Anonymous said...

Hi I have just been reading ur blogs and its so nicee to see people feel the same way as me... i worry all the time about the way i look, checking out the image of myself in windows as i walk passed... and now im even comparing myself to other fat people.. thinking am i as fat as them.. its getting beyond the joke i thought it was just me being obsessive about my weight but after reading your blogs and seeing other peoples comments im glad to see its not just me... thanks for your blogs they have kept me reading and its so good to know im not the only one feeling like this...
Big thanks!!!

always

Rish

Nana Sue said...

I worry that my adult daughters look at me and go out for 10 mile walk or run - fearing they will be me in 20 yrs
I even dream about issues with my weight

Anonymous said...

i stumbled upon your blog and was very touched -- in the sense that i realized im not the only one who has been plagued by this mind set. and not the only person who feels like a prisoner to obsessing about weight. I think about my weight and how my body looks at almost every waking moment. My entire life and self worth revolves around how I feel about my body on a daily basis. I can't even work anymore because I can't stop thinking about it and food.

The only difference is I admit I'm not actually obese. Trust me, I'm not trying to undermind what you're going through but just wanted to say that just b/c some people may be considered "average" or even skinny, it doesn't make them immune to this type of exhaustive thinking.

Anonymous said...

also im sorry I want to say to all those people who say "thin people dont understand". I used to be overweight, and have since lost weight and am now considered "skinny." Everything is actually ten times worse because now I force myself to do 2 hours nonstop cardio everyday and restrict heavily on my diet. And at the end of the day, I want to just break down and cry because I know I'll have to put myself through that hell again tomorrow. Because if i don't, I'll still want to cry and be in such utter guilt and frustration that I can't think about anything else. Either way, I lose. Not all skinny people, are that way by chance..

NyteRayn said...

I've been working really hard the past 6 weeks to get my weight (263pds)under control (well, to begin that journey anyway). The whole thing has left me pretty cranky, stressed and moody. My boyfriend doesnt understand why, and I keep telling him "Its just alot to have to CONSTANTLY think about my weight loss."

I just emailed him your day description from this post. It sounded like I wrote it. I'm hoping it will help him understand how I feel all the time.

Thank you.

Tanya said...

I just have to say in addition to noticing the 2000 lb weight limit on the elevator (or 20 people)... I think "GOOD GOD... 20 of me in this elevator would exceed the weight limit by a LOT"

Nel said...

I recently found your blog and I am very touched by your post. You make me realize that our fantasy to be thin ovverides everything else... we keep on thinking "I'll wear a bikini when i get thin, i'll get pretty clothes after i lose weight, I'll do __ when i get thin..." But the time to do that, is NOW

Thank you for being such an inspiration to many people out there...