8.14.2007

#78 - I hate feeling that the only thing keeping me from being truly happy is my weight!

I think a lot of us believe this, that we'll never find true happiness until the weight is gone. Is that true? Or is this just something we've imposed on ourselves, like not letting ourselves feel happy cause we're supposed to miserable when we're fat? Or are we unhappy and that's why we got fat in the first place? I don't know. What came first: the chicken or the egg? I know right now in my life I should be totally happy. I have brains, I'm just finishing up grad school and have great prospects for a wonderful career. I have many talents, I seem to learn new things with ease. I'm pretty, well at least I think I'm pretty when I'm a bit thinner. I've fallen madly in love with a wonderful man that loves me too. But there is this nagging thing in the back of head telling me I don't deserve happiness because I'm fat. What is wrong with me? Like I said, I should be head over heels happy with my life, but noooooooo, all I can think about is my weight failures. I need to remind myself over and over and over and over again how far I've already come at losing weight. Damn it! I've lost 59 pounds!!!! That rocks, right? But of course, that nagging voice in the back of my head tells me...... you still have soooooo many pounds to lose sweetie!! Maybe that's our downfall, always focusing on the negative side of things. It's my default state - to think the worst. I have to constantly tell myself to be happy, that I'm allowed to be happy, that I should be happy, that I deserve to be happy!!! Why is this so hard?

And even still, something tells me I'll be much happier when I've lost the weight. Hmmm, maybe that's true though. You never know. I've heard from some people that have lost a lot of weight that say they are SOOOO much happier thin than they were fat. That finally their lives all came together as the pounds were shed. That they finally have the energy to really go out and live their lives for the first time, finally enjoying everything that life has to offer. But on the flip side, I've heard from people that also have lost a lot of weight that say they are just as miserable thin as they were fat. That nothing changed in their lives. That the only improvement in their lives was a lower grocery bill and less health problems. That there was no magic fairy at the end of their weight loss journey granting them true happiness. So what will it be like for us? Maybe it's realistic to imagine that most of us will fall in the middle of the road from these extremes. I imagine that life will be much better for me at a thinner weight, because of health and energy levels and self confidence. And no, I'm not waiting for some miraculous transformation to a super happy person. Though one never knows... look what happened to Richard Simmons! Weight loss made him the happiest guy on the planet, I think! Well who knows, maybe I'll turn back into the perky cheerleader I once was (omg yes... you read right...I was a cheerleader).

I guess I know that becoming skinny won't in and of itself make me happy, but I do feel that it will help me to be happier with myself. I always say, it's all about the confidence. And for me, when I'm thin (or at least healthy - my "thin" equals about 175-190), I am a happier person because I'm a much more confident person. But maybe I have this all backwards. Maybe the happiness HAS to come first. Maybe I'm losing weight more successfully this time cause I AM happy now, and shedding the pounds is only a side effect of the happier me. I'm not sure. I guess I do have to admit that I am a happier person today than I was a year ago. Is this because I've lost 59 pounds? Or is it something else? All I know for certain is that I deserve to be healthy, I deserve to live the kind of life I want to lead, and most of all I deserve to be truly happy!

14 comments:

Eve said...

Hopefully, along the way you work on the mental issues along with the pounds issues. I did not do that and I am having to lose the weight again - in fact, when I got thin, I got madder, I guess because I was not stuffing down my feelings any more.

But no - your life is exactly the same if you are the same, you just wear smaller clothes. Good luck though - if you are thinking about this, you are doing the right thing.

Anonymous said...

I can relate totally. I feel so much better about myself when I am skinnier. I do think that confidence comes from knowing that you feel and look great.

PastaQueen said...

I think you have a good chance of being happier when you're thinner because you are aware that being thin will not solve all your problems. Sometimes people have unrealistic expectations about thinness or they get thin and still hate other things about themselves, so they're miserable. I know I personally am much happier being thin, but I think everything I learned to lose weight provided an opportunity for personal growth that has contributed to that happiness.

Robin Bayne said...

Hang in there and keep at it, you are beautiful inside and out.

Jules said...

Hi can totally relate to what you are saying, I am going through the same thought process, and I have actually chose to see a counselor about it. She says we need to not be so hard on ourselves, give ourselves credit for what we have acocmplished and are trying to accomplish. It is not necessarily being thin or fat, it is accepting who we are and loving that person, and once we do that becoming thin will be easier ;-) I Enjoy your blog, and will look forward to reading it in the future.

jodi said...

i think this subject will always be double-sided since both make sense... one would THINK you'd be happier when skinnier, right but my guess is - the problems you had before, will still be with you after unless they are dealt with... a problem with food, will always be a problem - know what i mean?

i've worked long and hard at liking myself where i am and not holding back... once you feel good about yourself, everything else will start falling into place - your self-esteem, your self-confidence, etc... losing weight should only be one thing we benefit from, after chosing to live more healthy... :o)

Tully said...

I agree that losing weight can't in itself make you happy, but it can make you happier and more confident in yourself. I have lost 24 kilos (still have a lot to lose) and already I am much happier and out there living life.

Though I have a friend that lost 70 kilos and is still miserable because she thought it would be like a magic wand that would change her life- obviously that didn't happen, she needs to make the changes herself.

Since watching her do this I have decided over the past year to stop waiting till I am thin to begin life and just start no matter what I weigh. I still hold myself back from a lot of things and I am still scared, but I am trying every day to do new things and be more confident.

Chubby Chick said...

I just discovered your blog, and I have thoroughly enjoyed reading your posts. I can relate to so many of them. Congratulations on your success thus far. You have totally inspired me.

Geosomin said...

Becoming skinny helps you likeyourself...goes a long way towards confidence and handling yourself better. I honestly had an idea for a while that it would fix all my problems. Naive I know, but what can you do?

Having reached my goal I must say that it helps, but other things still stay...I still fight with my husband over other things I need to work on. I still have the same other bad habits...
I just look better while doing it :) And I do feel better. I pay better attention to myself and value myself more...it shouldn't be taht way but it is.
You're worth it. Now and then when you reach the goal. :)

Sonya said...

Thanks for that! I can totally relate. I often think to myself that life will be sooo much better when I am thin. I also agree that it's about having confidence. Right now I have none, but I hope to soon when I get back to the weight I was before!

Diet and Exercise said...

Yeah it's hard being fat.

FatBlokeThin said...

I really believe that being thin will not make you happy (not in REAL lasting terms, after the initial elation of achievement is gone I mean)..but I DO believe that being happy can make you thin.

So much of weight loss is mental - persistence, commitment, positive thought. It's all psychological.

Life's hard enough without beating yourself up 'cause you're fat.

fatso no mo' said...

Hi KK,

I can relate too. The thing is, happiness depends on so many factors that it's impossible to say if you'll be happy when you lose all of the weight you want to. Certainly you'll be happy ABOUT losing weight, but "Will I be happy" is a much bigger question. I think the key is to find things to be happy about along the way instead of thinking that your goal weight is like a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. Pretty sure that that kind of all-or-nothing thinking is a recipe for disappointment. But I have a good feeling about you :)


Sometimes I think that being upset about my weight is just a way to compartmentalize and control any anxiety I have about other things in my life. It's easier to be upset about the extra 20 lbs I'm carrying than wondering if I'll find a great boyfriend this year or succeed in grad school or (on today's theme) ever find true happiness. In theory, I know I can do something about my weight, so it feels more manageable to funnel all the worry into this one issue. It means that weight is granted a lot more significance than perhaps it should be, but there you have it.

Hang in there- you're doing great!

Anonymous said...

well im actually on the verge of being ginormous, i weigh more than i look, most people guess 180. im having trouble starting A diet, but I WANT TO BE SKINNY so bad. It would solve all my poblems. no geetting picked on during presentations, no being nervous, nothing at all. i know im a beautiful person, i just wish i could be more beautiful, than wow look at that fat girl. well does skinny really work?