7.16.2007

#75 - Not feeling normal

I hate that when I'm fat I just don't feel normal. I crave normalcy in my life. I don't want to be fat. I don't want to be skinny. I just want to be normal, average, middle of the road, the girl next door, or something like that. I know lots of people don't feel normal for many reasons besides weight. Maybe you have a disease and this makes you feel abnormal. Maybe you are really clumsy and feel like an oddball. Or maybe you can't pat your head and rub your belly at the same time and this makes you feel like a weirdo. There are so many reasons. For me, it's fat. Being the fattest person in the room makes me feel abnormal. On the other hand, what would the world be like if we all looked the same, acted the same and did the same things? Hmm, sounds pretty boring to me. I guess our abnormal selves make up the normal world as we know it. I guess I should embrace the fact that I'm different, that I'm not just another number in the crowd.

I think during my life so far I've tried to make up for my failures at weight by becoming an overachiever in many other aspects of my life. I guess I keep trying to prove to everyone, and myself, that I am a worthy person, that I'm fun and interesting, smart and talented. You pick a hobby I've probably attempted it or even mastered it. Drawing and painting, photography, knitting, computers, genealogy, and many other crafty endeavors. I always wonder if I put as much energy into my health and weight loss as I do in my hobbies, what would I look like? Damn, I'd probably be a super model. But maybe I turned to other hobbies because I've always failed at weight loss in the past and needed to reassure myself that I was somebody, that could accomplish something. I really need to think about this as something I did in the past. Because this time I'm actually losing weight successfully this time. This is the first time in my life when I've been able to lose over 50 pounds all on my own! No pills, no powders, no starvation, no surgery. Now damn, if that's not an accomplishment I don't know what is! Maybe I've finally taken up the hobby of me, taking care of myself the way I need to be taken care of, spending time on myself, acting healthy, being healthy. It's taken me all these years of being fat, but I feel like I'm finally taking the time to really do something about it. It's like I had to get my head into the right place to finally do it and do it right. I keep chipping away at these pounds one pound at a time. With each pound lost I feel more healthy and more confident. And to tell you the truth, I'm actually starting to feel pretty normal again.

20 comments:

Groovybabe said...

Yeah, I feel the same. I don't necessarily want to be normal but I dont want to feel abnormal; i want to fit in and not be judged for my weight, which I think is what you were saying. Congrats on feeling normal again :)

Lynn said...

Hey there - just started reading your blog and I just want to thank you for sharing your ups/down's with everyone.

I love reading healthy lifestyles/weightloss journey blogs for inspirations.

Keep up the hard work!
Lynn :)

Anonymous said...

I recently stumbled across your blog and am enjoying reading your posts. You write what I feel. Amazing!

Blessings,
Karen

Megan said...

Thanks so much for your blog and this post in particular. You bring me to tears sometimes with how in tune you are to the whole weight and weight loss journey. This nailed it. Sometimes, all I want in the world is just to blend in. I know we're all soecial and talented, but sometimes I just want to walk down the street or into a store and have no one look twice at me.

Following your journey has helped me start mine, though. Thanks again!

Anonymous said...

Well Done on your weight lose. Haha, I bet some person with a Fat Fetish wants you to keep it on, but it doesn't matter what others think!

Remember, this is your body and I for one highly congratulate you for losing the weight, it is a hard thing to do. And remember, these days, the "norm" is being 100lbs overweight.

Candy said...

Being the fattest person in the room makes me feel abnormal.

I feel exactly the same way...I often look around the room and try to figure out if I weigh more than the other women. It's a sad thing, but I can't help it.

I just started reading your blog and I really like it. :)

Sybil said...

I hate being the fattest girl in the room. I look forward to the day that I'm not. I also have the thought that how can I succeed at so many things in my life but fail so miserably at the one thing I seem to want the most - to just be 'normal'.

Here's to us. All of us on this path to normal. I'm 7 pounds into my journey of 100 pounds. It seems overwhelming but you bloggers give me hope and encouragement!

adam said...

Great going, And the best part is you could do it without any pills or surgery. NO shortcuts. I like that spirit.

Christine said...

Congrats to doing it on your own. That's a huge challenge to defeat! I just hit my 30 pounds of weight loss and I am flying as high as a kite - congrats on 50! Can't wait to have that feeling!

Jesse said...

I find your blog extremely inspiring. Congratulations on your progress and thanks for sharing your insights.

-Jesse

Dieter said...

I think anyone who has dealt with being overweight has felt that "abnormal" feeling. I know I have. I'm enjoying your blog.
Check out mine: http://crazydiets.blogspot.com

FatBlokeThin said...

Sorry to ‘spam’ you but I am holding a fun weight loss challenge over at my blog FatBlokeThin.

If you want to join in, please leave a comment or e-mail me. Thanks!

FatBlokeThin

Anonymous said...

I was searching and ran across your blog. Keep the positive thoughts going I know the struggle annd I was able to pull through by starting with online fitness training for home. I have list 24 inches in 2 weeks and I just want to shar this site with you: www.fitnessgenerator.com/DesignFit_XL
If you ever feel weak tell someone who you trust with your goals and who understands your struggle so that they can up lift you and keep you fighting.Keep your head up!!

Lil Cookie said...

I've just read one post so far, I hope to read more. I love the way you analyse things. I can identify with the failure and the need to accomplish, but it's your story here not mine. And you recognise that it's more than wanting to be skinny, that there is something else at play in our minds. Kudos to you!

Neel said...

I felt the same way all through my adolescence. Want to be cool and normal like the others. That changed when I got married and had kids...I think life is really normal for most of us...we don't have to wish for it...that's the way our life will be.

Anonymous said...

What you wrote about making up for weight loss failures by becoming an expert at other things really resonated with me- when you're fat you feel like you have to try harder to earn friendship, acceptance, and admiration even more than a normal-weight person. Your blog is a great inspiration to me- I'm 11 pounds in to a 100+ pound weight loss journey, no short-cuts, surgeries, or pills as well :)

Anonymous said...

Hey,
I go to Yale, too (though I'm an undergrad). Hit me up if you want a gym buddy -- my email address is mary.daniel@yale.edu.

FB said...

Great post. 50 pounds without by yourself, WOW! Keep up the good, tough, hard work and keep inspiring us to do better!

Bridget said...

Wow - this post was right on. I just starting blogging to lose weight with my friend, in part because this past weekend I was the "big" girl at a bachelorette party. No one said it, but I could feel it - and it reminded me of high school, and just wanting to be normal. sigh. Thanks for blogging and inspiring others!

james said...

Subject Line: Beat Long Poll Lines with Absentee Ballots from StateDemocracy.org
Many state and local election officials are encouraging voters to use Absentee Ballots to avoid the long lines and delays expected at the polls on November 4th due to the record-breaking surge in newly registered voters.
Voters in most states still have time to obtain an Absentee Ballot by simply downloading an official application form available through www.StateDemocracy.org, a completely FREE public service from the nonprofit State Democracy Foundation.
Read more: http://us-2008-election.blogspot.com/2008/10/beat-long-poll-lines-with-absentee.html