7.12.2007

#74 - My outer body doesn't match my inner self

I know a lot of people have disorders where they perceive that they are much heavier than they are. Like those anorexic chicks that think they are completely obese. I've always said that I have the opposite problem, I've always felt I looked thinner than I actually was. Maybe this is why I've maintained a relatively solid ego all these years, cause I never really felt I was so fat. Maybe that's why I got so fat anyway, cause I never noticed the pounds creeping on. So I've always known I was at least chubby, and in my mind's eye I see myself as about 180 or 190, when in fact I'm more like 260-something. I guess it's a good thing that I have pretty good self esteem, but maybe I need to work a little harder at noticing the true reality of my body, that yes in fact I am quite fat. I guess this is why I try to pay attention to the numbers on the scale. I know a lot of experts that say not to focus so much on weight, but rather pay attention to how you feel or how you look or how your clothes fit. That's just too hard for me. I'm a scientist, I deal in absolutes, facts, hard data, clear cut evidence. So I need something concrete like numbers to keep me focused. That's why I watch the numbers on the scale so closely, why I'm a daily weigher. I wonder if when I lose the weight will my mind continue to play tricks on me? Will I always see myself as thinner than I really am? I suppose that's a good thing. My goal is to get to a about 180. Maybe at that weight I'll see myself as a super model or something. Who knows.

So my weight loss has stalled a bit again. It always seems to be a bit of two steps forward one step back for me. I seem to lose weight in spurts. But in the end it all works out and I'm still averaging about a pound lost per week (though lately I think I've slowed a bit to 3 pounds a month lost). I think so far I've been able to lose a lot just by eating healthier, but now I'm getting to the point where I need to step up my exercise program a bit. I am definitely not a lover of exercising, it seems so unnatural for me. My default is to do as little activity as humanly possible, so the thought of climbing onto a torture device, oh I mean my elliptical, and forcing myself to exercise seems wrong. Doing exercise is an uphill battle for me. I know it's good for me, I know my body needs it, I know I'll lose more weight if I do it, I know it will help me maintain all the weight I've lost, but does this motivate me? Nope. I'd rather not exercise, thank you very much. I'm in the process of moving so I know I'll be getting some exercise from all the packing and moving, so I guess that's good. But it's also been the reason I've been avoiding exercise lately. My house is in an utter shambles right now, I can barely stand in the living room let alone exercise with a DVD. One good thing about moving is that in my new house I'm creating a workout room. Maybe this will finally inspire me to workout. At least the newness of having a special workout room might make me try to exercise a little bit more. I think adding more exercise to my life is the only way I'm going to make it to my goal, and maybe the only way I can finally get my inner self to match my outer self.

20 comments:

Anonymous said...

You know what might be even better than getting on a scale? Taking specific measurements of various body parts. You should measure the circumference of your waist, thighs, arms, and hips so you can see the changes that way. Sometimes, the scale doesn't move a lot, but you can see the change in how toned your body gets. Or at least that's been my experience. Hope that made sense.

Anonymous said...

Dude, you need exercise (both cardio and strength training). Eating healthier alone won't make that much difference.

Jan B said...

I had a hard time getting started on my walking. But within a really short period of time I started feeling changes in my back. My muscles started tightening up and I could feel less back fat. That kept me going. Now it is just part of my routine. Once you get to that point, it isn't torture anymore.

Somedays I don't want to do it, but I just take one step, then another. I wish I had an elliptical! Keep at it. Set yourself up with a time frame that is reasonable, don't shoot for an hour or so, maybe 20 minutes.

Another thing I firmly believe in is doing it every day. Don't buy into that three times a week mentality. It's too easy to skip a day that way. Just make it an everyday thing. It will be easier that way.

I do mine first thing in the morning. This is my reasoning. The body will need fuel. If I exercise first thing, it pulls it out of storage. If I do it after I have been fueling up all day, it will pull it out of the bloodstream and my gut.

Annie said...

I thought at one point that I didn't like to do exercise either. Thing is there are certain kinds that I have to drag myself to but there things I have found I love. I love to walk when I have a nice place to walk. I enjoy playing tennis. I would suggest thinking about different ways you could get in a work out and maybe something would work for you like it did for me.

Susan said...

Kitty, you're getting some really good advice here - you need both cardio and strength training.

I hated exercise too, but as others have pointed out, once you get past a certain point it's fun and part of your routine. And Jan is right about exercising every day; three times a week just wouldn't cut it for me - if I slack off on my exercise, I'll start regaining very quickly.

Kat E said...

An exercise room will be so awesome--I'm jealous! Technically I know I have my own backyard, but now I'm afraid of the ticks! ;)

natala said...

That is the most healthy goal I've seen in a long time... I totally understand where you are coming from. Keep working for that goal, do all of the stuff (working out, eating well) because your totally worth it, and so is your body.
I've got 170 pounds more to lose, so I'm with you, totally not easy, but I think the inside self is totally worth being free :)

Christine said...

I think that you just read my thoughts. I always thought that I was at a good weight. I always carried myself well - almost too well, maybe compensating for something. It wasn't until I started keeping an eye on the scale - noticing how a bad week can really mess things up - and how a great week can make one heck of a difference! I did always think that I was in okay shape - but now I feel so much better. And hoping to make even more changes in the next few months!

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Groovybabe said...

For me, exercise is probably the most important factor in successful weightloss. Without it my appitite is uncontrolable. But exercise has done so much more for me than that. I dread it every time a session is coming but but it has really mobilised me. I was 266 at my heaviest and I couldnt walk far, I had literally no energy to even do housework much less anything else and now it is the complete opposite. I would not trade my fitness levels for anything now, I love it!

I, too, have always thought I weighed less than I do. I think that is why I put on as much as I did. I should have addressed the problem much sooner than I did.

Gayan Balasooriya said...

actually I want to loose my body wight but hoW ????
I think this is some kind of impossible think for me.
I hate mostly the thin guys who is laughs at FAT people.

Lori said...

I recommend measuring yourself too. It's another NSV for you. Look at your jewelry -- notice any changes in where your necklaces end up?

I hate, despite exercising and after a long time, I grew to miss it. It was one of the things I struggled with after my accident. And because I have been inactive and it still hurts, it's hard for me to go to the gym and do what I can.

Just do a little bit at a time; say 5 minutes and increase it slightly. Buy some stickers and put it on your calendar so you can see that you CAN do it and you have a nice string of days to make you feel more confident about it. It's not easy but you'll go down more in sizes too. (And it will help with keeping your skin not quite so stretchy.)

Anonymous said...

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Kate said...

I know how it is about the exercise. I'm not your traditional exerciser. I can't go to the gym and spend three hours on the treadmill, it's just not me.

I just try to get out an be active, go hiking, mountain biking, rollerblading, walk my dog, it's all activity (and exercise) and I don't even realize I'm doing it, since I'm having fun. So maybe try starting a few hobbies like that.

Anonymous said...

Hypnosis/self-hypnosis? Don't know much about it, but I hear it's very good at keeping one motivated. Look into it.

Meg said...

i am totally with you on this one. everytime i see pics of myself i think "who's that girl?" and then "oh wait, that's me..." it's a weird kind of body dysmorphia thing. love your blog by the way---so insightful! thanks for sharing. keep up the good work!

Anonymous said...

I actually came across your blog because I was searching for info or others' experience with respect to the issue you describe- feeling and seeing yourself as much, much thinner than you really are. I think I have the very problem you describe. Throughout the day, I see myself as a slightly overweight person who could lose about 20 lbs. I notice my belly and note that I could be a little thinner (and then I would be in really good shape). However, every so often I am confronted with evidence much to the contrary- work pictures, friends photos and I cannot beleive I am that heavy. Based on the height and weight charts I am at least 100 lbs overweight. Naturally, I am horrified at the photos when I see them and just simply cannot believe I look like that. Seeing the photos generally leads to a diet where I lose a lot of weight and really change my lifestyle. Then , when I have photos taken, they refelct how I see myself before the diet. At that point my friends and family often state that I am thin enought and start to worry I will get too thin. Perhaps it is similar to anorexia? In any event when i am thinner, I see myself as slightly fatter than I actually am. Ultimately, the whole cycle repeats itself as i start to gain the weight again- only to be started in a couple of years....I really think there is something akin to reverse anorxia.

ashley said...

I have this happen too. I think I look just fine, shake my butt at the mirror and smile at myself when I pass a reflective mirror (as opposed to obsessing about my size) I am heavy but nothing like giant moo cow size but then some one tags me in a photo and I literally go 'omg, I'm disgusting' and then get sad and want to eat something (but I don't) I just mope. I am 5'9 and about 215 (I don't own a scale) and wear a 16 or 14, so my clothes are telling me I'm big, but those photos tell me I'm a hippo. I find it hard to think, okay I need to lose 80 lbs when I look at myself, but I think I should lose 150 when I see the pix.

congrats on your weight loss.

susan said...

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Online Pharmacies said...

You have already done a half if you managed to conceive yourself that your weight is much less than it it in reality!!