7.10.2007

#73 - Thinking that people are ashamed of me

This topic has been on my mind a lot lately. So I told you earlier I've been dating someone online for a while and we've been planning to meet. He knows how heavy I am and is fine with it. He's seen plenty of pictures and even video, so there will be no surprises for him about my size. So I'm planning a trip to go see him in the next couple months. Not only will I get to meet him in person, but I'll also be meeting his friends and his family. This is what scares me the most. I'm not that scared of meeting him, cause like I said, he already knows I'm fat. But I'm terrified to meet his family. Maybe not in the way you might expect. I'm scared to think that my boyfriend will be ashamed of me, ashamed to introduce his fat girlfriend to his friends and family. This makes me feel so bad. I wish I were thinner so that my looks would be something he was proud to show off. I know, maybe this is all too shallow of me. I know he really cares about me no matter what I look like, and he'll probably be very proud to introduce me to his friends, but this is something that eats away at me in the back of my head. I think when it comes down to it I just need to stop thinking about all this so much. If my friends are true friends, they won't be ashamed of me. They love me for me, fat or thin.

By nature I'm a complete worry wort. I sit and think up all these scenarios, constantly keeping myself in a state of utter panic. Why do I do this to myself? I'm sure in the end everything will be fine. We'll meet, he'll introduce me to his friends, and if, by some chance, they are turned off by my weight, my charming personality will win them over in the end. This is usually how it works out anyway. Maybe I get a bad first impression from people, but usually within minutes people seem to be very comfortable around me and we talk and laugh, and it's no big deal. I've actually met very few people that I felt were true fat bigots, people that didn't like me clearly because of my weight. I guess it's these few people that have made me lose faith in man-kind, made me think all people are hateful and mean. But I know it's not true. Deep down inside I know that people really do care about what's on the inside more than the outside. Sure the media would like us to think otherwise, but it's true. And maybe being fat has given us an unfair chance at a good first impression, but at least there is something we can do about it. I think this is a good thing to think about. We can choose to lose weight. But people that are truly ugly on the inside, you know, the real assholes, they probably can't change. They will always be ugly on the inside. At least this is something positive about having a flawed exterior, you can change it. And from my personal experience all this struggle has actually made me a better person on the inside. I think now that I'm stronger, more compassionate, more patient, more accepting, than I ever had been in the past. Having to deal with ridicule and judgment, heartache and sadness, loneliness and isolation, has actually made me turn inward and become the person I am today. And really, I know that I am a person people would be proud to know, I'm no one to be ashamed of!

16 comments:

Robin Bayne said...

You seem like a lovely person, inside and out. ((HUGS))

Anonymous said...

Your fears and worries are totally understandable. I'm sure your guy is a good person (and that's why you like him), but you can't be sure that everyone else is as kind hearted or non-judgemental. However, as you correctly point out, those things are out of your control. So quit being a worry wort and enjoy your trip!

Ro said...

I agree with the above poster, your fears and worries are understandable but I think you stated it great by saying that I'm sure everything will be fine and if anything, you'll win them over with your fantastic personality! It's so easy to get caught up with looking good, but when it comes down to it (and yes, this is very cliche) it's what's inside that counts! And if you're confident and happy on the inside, that will shine through and make everyone see u in an attractive light!

I'm sure all will go well...so exciting!

Anonymous said...

I have felt the same way before. I don't think that my husband is ashamed of me but I hate the thought of people looking down on him or me because I am overweight. I guess that is just something you have to get over until you get to a weight you are comfortable with.

TĂȘtue said...

Well, judging by the progress photo you posted a couple of weeks ago, I don't think you have anything to worry about! You look beautiful!

Susan said...

Another heartbreakingly honest entry. Kitty, your boyfriend has already gotten to know - and like - the real you and that's what counts. I'm sure he's proud of you for losing so much weight already and will be supportive as you lose more - and that will be important in future.

And as other posters have pointed out, you can't do anything about people who won't accept you for your weight. It's their problem, not yours!

From someone who has been obese and is now slim, I can tell you that when you get to the end of your journey, people will be much nicer to you in general. It sucks that people are that superficial, but it's good to be prepared for it.

Hope it all goes well when you meet him. We're all thinking of you!

Kate said...

It's interesting that you said you wish you were thinner, because you ARE thinner - you are FIFTY POUNDS THINNER than you were when you started. And you know what? In a month's time, you'll be even thinner.

And like you said, you have a fantastic personality. So now you're thinner (MUCH thinner!) and you've got a great personality to boot. You sound like a real catch to me!

Lady T said...

oh, hun....i have experienced this first hand....so i know. i know what it feels like to meet your bf's mother and see her eyes falter, and shine with disapointment. i remember it very clearly, like it was yesterday. i was only a teenager, so of course i'm all scarred for life and crap, lol....but jokes aside, i know. and it sucks. and i pray that it will go well for you guys.

that last pic you posted was pretty H-O-T so i doubt there will be much of a problem. you are beautuful, he knows that. ;)

Annie said...

Those internal monsters are hard to deal with some times. I don't think he would want you to meet the family if he was ashamed of you. And I did see that picture you posted recently and you are a very pretty girl. I am sure everyone will see that.

Kate said...

As others have said, your fears are totally understandable, and I'm a worry wort that over analyzes everything, so I completely understand.

But don't worry, I'm sure his friends and family will love you, and even if they don't, as long as he does, and doesn't care, that's all that matters.

craftypants said...

Maybe you will get there and half his relatives will be "larger" people too

honib1 said...

years ago at a job i worked.. I had lost over 50 pounds.. and things being what they were at that time I started gaining it back.. well.. one lady said to me .. your butt is getting big again.. you sure are getting big again... and I looked at her and simply said.. I may be fat.. but you are ugly, I can lose weight...you on the other hand will never change.and I walked out of the room .. leaving the comment very open ended.. she never said anything ugly to me again.

Christine said...

Good times. I would just focus on how excited you are to see him. Put these thoughts in the back of your mind. I am sure that his folks are just as nervous to meet you. Maybe they think you will be staring at them all night - noticing the mole on her nose...noticing his balding hairline...noticing that she's not such a good cook...

I think we worry too much of what other people are thinking. And it turns out in the end that they are judging you at all. They are just happy to get to know you.

Anonymous said...

Just came across your blog, and man, am I inspired! Not only have you managed to lose 50something pounds, but you've also kept a positive attitude throughout it all, I've always had a problem with self-esteem, but I can honestly say that you have motivated me to break that habit and turn things around. Keep up what you're doing, and you're right...your charming personality WILL win them over. After all, it won me over, right:)?

Online Pharmacies said...

I absolutely agree with you. Usually people feel who you are inside, it is happening instinctively.

Matthew Wilson said...

I will not tell you that you are mistaken. You are right. People are ashemed of fat person. It's sad but it's true