6.21.2007

#70 - Feeling Alone

Wow, I've been in a posting mood lately! I guess I've had a lot on my mind that I had to share. Anyway, I've been thinking about this reason a lot lately. Since I've been fat I've felt so alone. It's kind of two-fold I think. Part of it is that I've isolated myself away from the world, not wanting to face ridicule from others, but the other part is that even when I am trying to be out there in the world, I'm totally ignored. Have you ever noticed that? It's like fat people are invisible sometimes. How many times have you gone into a store and had no one says a word to you? The clerks totally ignoring you, unless you go out of your way to ask for help. Why is that? Is it that they just don't like fat people? Fat bigots in other words? I don't know. Or is it that they just don't want to deal with their own insecurities and just avoid fat people to save them from the reminder that they too have a few pounds to lose?

So I'm getting to this age where I'm really starting to think about settling down and finding a mate. I'm 33 for God's sake, I'm not getting any younger people. I feel like that window to find a husband, start a family and live happily ever after is starting to slip through my fingers. I just don't want to be alone anymore. I'm tired of the single life. I want to find a mate. I know a lot of you talk about finding your husbands and wives even when you were (or are) fat. But I feel like the odds are stacked against you in your search for love. I know, I know. You shouldn't "search" for love, it just smacks you in the face when you least expect it. But you know I mean, I'm just out there hoping that love will find me, and I'm very open to the possibility. At least for me, I don't have men beating down my door for a date. I think when I am this heavy, very few people find me attractive or show any interest. And the men that have comin' a callin' in the past aren't the kind of men I see myself marrying. Honestly I think a lot this is self-imposed though. I just don't see myself as a fat bride. Maybe I held off from the idea of marriage until I finish going through my metamorphosis into the healthier version of me. I don't know. Maybe that's why I haven't dated much in recent years, why I haven't allowed anyone to get close. I'm not sure. What I am sure about now is that I'm sick of that!! It's time for me to get healthy (and I am - 49 pounds down - yay busted that little plateau) and reclaim my life. To finally live my life the way I always envisioned. I am so ready to step out from the shadows and stop being the invisible girl!

19 comments:

Cute Chunky Chick said...

Beautifully put, and this is exactly how I feel.

I'm 33 and single too, and it seems like I'm just waiting for my 'real' life to begin.

Am struggling with getting on the wagon, and on the journey to good health and (hopefully) happiness, and your blog is a wonderful inspiration.

Thanks for sharing, and congratulations on the 49 pound weight loss. Good luck with reaching your final goal - I know you will!

Anna said...

Yes, I totally know what that is like.

I have always been at least 30 pounds overweight even in high school. I remember my friends always being the ones that boys looked at. I even started dating a guy once and found a note that my "friends" had past around saying "why would he want to date Anna?"

And once I got out of high school I think I dressed and acted as though I didn't want attention from the opposite sex just to protect myself from getting hurt.

I realized shortly after though that I really wasn't bad looking. Yes, I was overweight and bigger than my friends but that didn't mean I was gross or ugly. And shortly after that I started dating my now husband.

My weight has fluctuated a lot since we have been together but he loves me for me and he doesn't care how much I weigh and that in turn makes me want to be healthy for him. I guess the moral is that you really do have to accept yourself, right now as you are, and others will do the same.

Ro said...

Wow, that post really hit home. I often wonder whether I will ever find anyone...I'm like you, very open to the possibility, have been online dating, etc. but have yet to find anyone that is interested in me and vice-versa.

It's hard to understand as I'm sure we have amazing qualities that someone would love to be around. I just wonder why does trying to find someone have to be so difficult?

groovybabe said...

Wow, with every post of yours that I read you make more and more sense. It is so refreshing to see my thoughts coming out of another persons mind. When I verbalise this to (non fat) people irl I am always told I am paronoid or something and it is so annoying that no one allows me an opinion. I could have written this post myself.

GroovyBabe

Anonymous said...

What's wrong with looking for love? I found my fiancee on Match.com. We're getting married at the end of July. I'm 53, so you've got time on the married thing if not the kids thing.

Deirdre

Jenera Healy said...

You sure have a way of hitting the nail right on the head. I never dated in high school. NEVER. My first serious boyfriend was when I was 21. Then my hubby came along. I was always the 'friend' in the group. It sucked. I felt very alone too. But at the time I met my hubby I was 'okay' with myself and my body. I think that you are now hitting that point where you are taking steps to getting healthy and it's boosting your confidence and THAT will be what it takes to find Mr. Right.

Katie said...

I could have written this too...sometimes I wonder if I"m the only one who sits around CONSTANTLY thinking about being fat but as I shovel in the next piece of pizza or glass of wine. I don't know how to stop! It's good to read that other people feel the same way. Thanks for sharing!

Samantha said...

Thanks for this! I feel the same way and oftentimes feel hypocritical. I say I want to be comfortable in my own skin (no matter how much of it there is!) and yet at the same time I don't want to meet someone until I'm healthier - because I want to be with someone who is healthy. I'm not talking ideal weight and buff, but healthy and comfortable with themselves. How can I ask for that when I'm not even close?

Kriss said...

It makes me so sad to see people put their lives on hold, just because they're fat.

Yeah, people might make rude comments. So what? I've made rude comments about people's clothes, their hair, their shoes, their bratty children, etc. Usually not to their faces . . . but I'm sure people say the same things abuot me. Big effing deal.

Stop being a hermit, and put yourself out there. Put a smile on your face. Make yourself visible.

There is nothing wrong with searching for love. Sometimes Cupid needs a kick in the butt, too.

Cat said...

I've been thinking about this too. I have really made it impossible to date me since I have this wall up just assuming they won't like me and being afraid to be intimate. Too many years of waiting for life to begin and you really have to let it start somehow. It's not easy. Thanks for sharing!

FB said...

Congrats on the 49! That is awesome news!

I agree with you about being ignored. My own thoughts on it ar similar to something one might do with a person in a wheelchair or something, unsure what to say or afraid to say something "wrong"?

You'll find a mate, when you least expect it. Just keep doing your thing.

Kat E said...

I agree with someone's comment above--attitude is everything, and I do think you're getting to a place where you're more confident about yourself. That counts for so much. Don't wait until you reach your goal to go shopping and buy some clothes that make you feel great, etc. Let your new attitude shine now, why not?!

Also, I prescribe a karaoke night, SOON!

BetZ said...

I always thought it was weird that I was so invisible when duhhh I was fat, it should be easier to see me! Then I lost a bunch of weight and I remarked at how shallow everyone must be because I made more friends when I got skinny. People just NOTICED me more. Then a friend who was there before and after suggested that I was more confident when I got thinner, and people are attracted to confidence. I think she was right. Because I gained a bunch of weight back, and I feel like people are still looking my way because though I gained some weight, I am still confident (if not a little cocky).

LoLo said...

Hope you don't mind me stumbling on to your blog. I read the name of it off of Kris's blog and knew I had to check it out. So far, reading the first few entries (the most recent ones) feels like a "home-coming" for me. I am ashamed to say I lost about 40 pounds, found my 'dream-man' and gained it all back plus some. We ended up having a small wedding because I was too embarrased to be the "fat bride." Thanks for sharing your story...for all of your stories for that matter.

Lori

kathyj333 said...

I couldn't have said it any better than betz—seems hard to be invisble when I take up so much space. And fb said, it's like there's something wrong with you. I think this post really hit home for a lot people. Thanks for sharing.

dkaz said...

Sometimes, I want to be invisible. Like during the times that you described in your past posts when you talked about eating in public and people judging you while you are at a restaurant, etc. Other times, because I figure that I look terrible and huge, I don't bother to put any effort into my appearance, because why should I? I'm so fat, no one will notice that I fixed my hair or put on make-up, right? I wish I was invisible so that no one would notice how fat I am, but its impossible. One thing I have noticed is that no matter how much time you put into selecting your outfit or dolling yourself up, when you weigh 280 lbs, no one ever compliments your appearance. I guess I have put a wall up too. I am in the process of getting a divorce after 20 years of marriage. It was a very unhappy relationship for most of those years. Talk about being alone – nothing is lonelier than being alone in a marriage. I would like to try and meet a man who would treat me well and maybe have a chance at a real adult romance for the first time in my life, but I am in my mid 40's and I doubt it will ever happen to me. I would never consider dating anyone while I am this weight, and I've been separated for 2 years and I haven't had any offers either. I know I am not bad looking - I have a mirror and my face is pretty, but if I can't get this weight off, I feel like I am doomed. I know this sounds pitiful, but I am seriously considering joining a convent when my kids get done college (if nuns are allowed to drink wine and keep cats). At least I wouldn't be alone for the rest of my life, and I wouldn’t be burden to my kids.

Lady Rose said...

I know the feeling - I used to hide out. Now I'm out there!!!! I feel no matter what size - enjoy LIFE now! :)

Congrats on busting the plateau!

Lady Rose (80 lbs lost so far, only 60ish to go)

Anonymous said...

I honestly believe having children is the most fulfilling thing in life. Until I had my own, I had no idea how much I was missing. Nothing else in life could compare. Please don't put off finding love until you are old enough to have fertility issues. Being fat takes away enough from us all, but to let it rob you of being a mother would be tragic.

Kenisha said...

I have started reading your blog a couple of days ago and i love it iam addicted to it I don't know how many times I have been trying to loose weight I keep saying I'm going to do it but i never actually do it well your the reason why I'm going to eat less and move more you just made me realized how much I really hate being FAT so I have been walking for about a 1hour a day eating more apples a day and oatmeal its a change right :) I hope to continue these changes everyday ! I also have to say iam so proud of your 50 pound weight lost !!:) what excercise are you doing and what foods are you eating your after picture is fabulous !!