#54 - Not being able to go to a spa

OK, I guess I could go to a spa, but I really wouldn't be comfortable at all . My achy body longs for a deep Swedish massage, but I would just never do it. I mean seriously, do I really want to get naked in front of some stranger at my weight? I have a whole host of reasons why I wouldn't go to a spa in addition to the fear of having people view my blubbery nakedness. Like, would the massage table be able to hold my weight? I'm serious! I worry that I'd hop up on the the table only to crash down to the floor with a ground shaking thud. I know, it's stupid. But still, I worry. And what would a spa charge me for a massage? Would they charge more for extra square footage? I guess it would take a technician longer to massage my big body, right? Again, silly, I know. And what would the technician be thinking as they walk into my room. "Oh God, another heifer!" I would hate to be the fat one all the masseurs talked about on their coffee break. Another thing is that at my weight it's hard to reach my back when scrubbing down with the loofah in the shower. I worry that if I got a massage the technician may encounter some bacne (back acne). Again, stupid, irrational, but something I think about. And I think of those teeny tiny robes they have which I would never fit into. This reminds me of a time I went to this posh salon, where they have you change into robes and slippers and pamper you like crazy. I was MUCH thinner then (like 75 pounds thinner). I went into the little dressing room, got undressed and put on the little robe. I could barely tie the robe shut. Every time I moved, the robe would pucker open to show off my boobs (I was wearing a bra though). I was so self-conscious the whole time they cut my hair. I held the robe shut the entire time I was in the salon. I just couldn't wait for the pampering to end, it was miserable! So I think of going to a spa or salon like that now at my current weight, and I think that they would NEVER have a teeny tiny robe to fit me. So yep, it keeps me from going to the spa.

It's so stupid, but my weight even keeps me away from the nail salon. What, I have fat nails? No, it's just that I hate having the technicians paw at my little sausage fingers. It's embarrassing. I guess I'm just uncomfortable in pretty much any public situation. I'm just nervous having to sit on their chairs - are they sturdy enough? I'm embarrassed to be around all those skinny women, clients and technicians - I always think they're looking at and judging my fat physique. And the complimentary neck massage? Torture! I keep thinking about their hands on my fat neck, thinking 'what are they thinking about my fat neck?'. I just don't want people touching me. Going to a salon or spa is supposed to be this amazingly relaxing experience, but for me, it's torture. I've been trying to come up with things to reward myself with as I lose weight. You know, lose 5 pounds, get a manicure. But these traditional rewards are no reward for me. So what am I supposed to reward myself with? I can only give myself so many bubble baths! I guess going to the spa will have to be a reward for when I'm closer to goal.


Anonymous said...

I understand exactly how you feel. I also will not go to the salon for fear of being judged. But, you just have to put yourself out there little by little. I have a fear of being alone in public. This past week I challenged my fear and went to Wendy's for a salad. I actually went in and sat down to eat. I am 29 y/o and have never done this before in my life. So I was scared, very scared that people would be watching me. Nobody paid me any attention that I could tell other than people just glancing around the dining area. Just that one little step has given me enough confidence to try doing something else by myself. So, it's a lot like what you're experiencing. Do you have a friend that could go with you the first time? Maybe we could challenge each other to go to the spa?

Unknown said...

Rewards? Books, magazines, CDs, DVDs, concert tickets, and anything tangible. A manicure won't last, you can't see it a month later, but you can re-read a book and recature the feeling of reward, or listen to the music, or . . . I'm sure you get it.

To reward myself for 18 months at Weight Watchers without quitting, I got myself a tattoo (not in the one in my profile picture, that one's new and different). Every time I look at it, I see how far I've come.

For smaller milestones, though, I buy books. Books are good. Books don't judge.

Sorry to leave such a long comment, especially since you don't know me, but I wanted to offer you some different reward ideas, mostly because the pampering is so temporary that it doesn't appeal to me; somehow there's a correlation between a temporary reward and temporary success. Maybe.

Megan said...

I am really sorry that your "relaxing" salon experience turned out to so stressful. Remember that you are making a change in your life for the better & you should be proud of that!

Reward ideas: I like to give myself my own manicures & pedicures. (Maybe not quite as relaxing, but certainly less expensive.) Or at least paint my nails.

Keep up the good work!

Anonymous said...

I'm over 100 lbs. overweight. I like going to the spa. I call ahead to the spa I am interested in and ask about robe size. I only went to one where I got a too-small robe and was miserable. The last spa I went to had a robe size 5x. It was comfortable and I had a great time getting a massage. And believe me, the masseuse(s) have seen it all, so fat is nothing for them to think twice over. The last spa I went to was burke williams and I had a blast.

Kriss said...

Oh, God - I feel your pain on this one! My hubby & I went for a couple's massage on our honeymoon. The robe was a medium (and I'm a size 3x if the cut is generous!). I just left my bathing suit on, but I can still feel the sting of shame from not fitting in yet again.

BTW - Your blog is a bright ray of sunshine, and you're an excellent voice in the blogging community!!

Linda - Operation Stick To It said...

I've always wanted to get a massage and have never done it. I bought my parents a couples massage and my mom is 70lbs less than I am. She loved it and raved about it. I almost got the nerve up to do it then. My husband bought me a massage gift certificate while I was preparing to get married and I couldn't bring myself to do it. I thought about the table holding me, the robes, the perception of me, etc. I will do it one day but it's going to take me a while.

You're blog is so enlightening. It has so many feelings I've had that I've never really been able to pin point or talk about!


kat said...

I'm almost 300 pounds and I go to spas 1-2 times a year. some spas are more fat friendly than others. I've only actually had one experience where they didnt have a large enough robe for me. I like the idea of calling ahead. for some reason that never occurred to me!

Anonymous said...

I think you should just go for it, we all need a break to pamper ourselves every now and then. If you let your weight take control of your life, you wouldn't be able to enjoy some of life's simple pleasures. Be confident, go out and try going to a spa. By the way, did you know that some spas are integrated to an inn with various of fun activities. You should try them out!

Thomas Barrett @ Bee And Thistle Inn

Shelly Stone said...

I know many massage therapists, myself included, that are happy to work on larger bodies. If you are concerned, make a call ahead of time and ask about their table or the robes. My current table has a working weight of 400lbs, and I have side extensions to make it wider. I would never charge more because of body size and acne, hair, cellulite or rolls don't phase me. Massage can be great self-care and a wonderful way to show your body that it deserves to feel good!

Shelly Stone said...
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