11.22.2006

#33 - Being the heaviest person in the room

This one really gets to me. I hate that when I look around the room, I realize I'm the heaviest person there. I would love to just blend into the crowd, size-wise. I hate the feeling of thinking everyone in the room is judging me, thinking how fat I am. I know this is a self-esteem issue. Realistically, everyone in the room isn't thinking about how fat I am. Sure, maybe people that meet me for the first time think bad things about me, but the people that know and love me, look at me for who I am - a great person - not some big fat heifer. But still, when I look around the room and realize I'm the biggest person there, it makes me feel bad.

It's thoughts like these that sabotage our weight loss efforts, isn't it? Isn't it times when you think - look at how she looked at me, she thinks I'm fat - that we turn to our beloved cartons of Ben & Jerry's for support? Food is like that. It's the best emotional support you could ask for. It's always there, standing by us in our times of need. It makes of feel better, by giving us that wonderful serotonin rush. And most of all it comforts us, erasing all the bad things that happened during the day.

So how do we combat this vicious cycle of being judged, feeling bad about it, then over eating, getting fatter, being judged even more, feeling even worse about it, eating more and more and more, etc, etc, etc? So what do we do? It's pretty hard to take away the food, isn't it? It's not like being an alcoholic; you can't go cold-turkey on food. We have to eat. So sure we can cut out junk food, but still, a nice plate of spaghetti and meatballs can help fix a bad day, can't it? So let's see, what can we do then? Take away the criticism of others; take away the stares and comments we receive. Well that's not gonna happen. People are cruel, and fat people are one of the still publicly accepted targets of ridicule and mocking. So we can't take away the food, we can't make people nice, what can we do? Just get over it? Just deal with the crap that life sends us? Make our BEST efforts NOT to use food as an emotional tool? It is so hard! But really this is all we can do. Lift our heads high, let comments and stares roll off our backs, and work on becoming the best person we can be. Only then can we take back the control. Only then can we start to lose weight. Only then can we become an average person in the room and not the heaviest person in sight.

3 comments:

Tracy said...

OK, way late to the party & reading all your archives. I followed your link from the WW message board. I go by TMP311 over there. Anyway, this entry reminded me of something I hate that is related: Being relieved that someone else in the room is fatter than me. Isn't that an awful feeling - to be glad at someone else's misfortune? Oh well, WW will help us both with that!

Loved by Some said...

I believe you've said it better. This blog reminded me of one I wrote a couple months ago (http://lovedbysome.blogspot.com/2008/01/proverbial-flytrap.html), and still trying to figure out the food issue!

internet gaga said...

yuk i hate that it actually makes us bitter to be fat... im the heaviest of my family and my friends so yes i could totally relate to this