8.03.2006

#25 - Feeling Guilty When Eating

This reason is inspired from an event this evening. I was eating dinner at my favorite local Mexican restaurant with a good friend, and I found myself still eating after she had finished her meal. Granted, she had a smaller meal than me, so she finished quicker. Anyway, I found myself thinking that I must be eating way too much food, since I was still eating as she watched me. Then my mind went into crazy-talk mode, and I started thinking things like, "Does she think I'm eating too much?", "What does she think of me?". I hate that I think of things like this! I'm sure she thought nothing of the sort.

The other day I was having lunch at work with a few colleagues in the lunchroom. One very skinny mate innocently asked me if I was following any special diet. I took total offense from this! In her defense, I'm always dieting, so she was probably curious. I told her, "no I'm not following any "special" diet, just trying to "watch" what I eat". Anyway, after this little exchange, I was totally embarrassed to eat in front of her. I kept thinking, is she watching me eat? I was embarrassed that I didn't have a "diet friendly" lunch - I think I had some pudding and peanut butter sandwich crackers. The other thing was that she asked her question in front of several other friends, who all seemed equally interested in my dieting habits. So now I always feel embarrassed to eat at work. I keep thinking, "are they watching what I eat?". "Should the fat girl be eating pudding or cookies?" I guess it's a good thing though, because now I seem to bring a pretty healthy lunch to work.

So anyway...I've gotten to this point where I'm always feeling guilty about what I'm eating. And this starts this whole vicious cycle. Watch what I eat, eat, feel guilty, eat more, feel more guilty, eat more and more, feel more and more guilty, eat..... You get the idea.

4 comments:

Tammy said...

I can totally understand. I'm always afraid of what people will think about what I'm eating. I'm sure they're thinking...'if she didn't eat that, she wouldn't be so fat'. I get embarrassed to go get a donut from the shop or buy something unhealthy from the grocery store. I'm sure they're all judging the fat girl. So instead...I go and eat in secret. I feel bad about myself, so I go eat to make myself feel better. Am I the only one trapped in this vicious circle?

Farseashore said...

A few weeks ago my twig of a boss commented that I had a "Jethro bag". Meaning my snack bag was outrageously huge, like Jethro on the Beverly Hillbillies would have. Nevermind that I had 2 large bottles of water, baby carrots, and some apple slices. I felt like a pig.

Lizzie said...

Ah, I know exactly how you feel. Even at 156 pounds, I do feel your pain. My boyfriend's sister is 21 and a gorgeous, skinny blond. Anytime we eat with their family and she's there, she takes, like, one bite of the meal and goes, "I'm full." *rolls eyes* I'm thinking, "You can't weight more than 110! Eat more!!" Yikes. And their family is blessed with high metabolism, so it's not like she'd gain anyway. (Unlike me who eats one piece of bread and puts on a pound.) But the fact that she eats so little makes me feel like I'm stuffing my face; a little piggy; because I weigh 40 pounds more than her, I shouldn't be eating so much. *le sigh* And when we go out to dinner and she's there, she'll get mozzerella cheese sticks or a basket of french fries, (I haven't had either for 3 months...) and I sit there with my "wonderful" salad. *note severe sarcasm* Not fair! So often I feel bad for what I'm eating, and then also feel bad for what I CAN'T eat!!

Anonymous said...

I know exactly how you feel. I'm in the same boat as Tammy above. It's even at the stage where if I feel like something naughty, I'll go to the market and buy a chocolate bar, AND a lettuce or something equally healthy lol. So not only do I feel bad for eating said chocolate bar, but it's costing me a fortune! lol