101 Reasons I Hate Being Fat!

#106 - Always Sucking It Up/In

2010-02-27T15:31:00.002-05:00

Recently I've been doing a lot of traveling for work (yes, work has kept me from posting due to my crazy 60-70 hr/week work schedule). Once again I found myself squeezing into airplane seat after airplane seat. And every time it's sssuuuucccckkkk in the gut to buckle the seat belt. And when someone sits next to me, as is so common these days on cramped flights, I suck it in even more to make sure I'm not encroaching on my seat mate's personal space. Then as I walk through airport terminals and catch sight of myself in the shiny plate-glass windows, I notice I'm all slouchy and fat and suck my gut in an attempt to shed a few virtual pounds to those around me. I had a recent client meeting which required me to wear my little (well OK, "big") black suit. All I can say is thank God I over pack when I travel, cause I slipped on my fancy slacks to find that no amount of sucking in my gut would make them comfortably fit. Ugh. I had to opt for a miss-matched pair of comfy black slacks (yay for stretch fabrics) to go with my black blazer. All this sucking it in really... well... sucks! For once I'd like to be comfortable with my tummy as is with no suckage required.

And the sucking doesn't stop there. OK that sounded perverse... Get your mind out of the gutter! It's much more than the physical sucking in of my gut, it's also mental. When heading out to my last client meeting, surveying my look in the hotel mirror, and sighing yet again about how fat I looked, I just had to tell myself, "Yup, you're fat, deal with it, suck it up." I find that when physically sucking it in fails to satisfy my need to "look" thinner, eventually I admit defeat and suck it up to gain enough confidence to face my day. I hate that I'm settling for the body I have and have to "deal" with it. As I've said many times in the past, I'm not looking to be skinny, just comfortable in my own skin. I don't want to settle for the big body I have, I don't want to have to keeping sucking it up to deal with my emotions. Don't get me wrong, I don't just suck it up in the sense that I'm burying my emotions or anything. I hate it, it sucks. But you have to go about your life, and on those days you feel bad about the way you look, life is still moves forward, and sometimes you have to put those feelings of self-doubt aside. I applaud myself for the fact that in the past, sucking it up used to mean saying, "Whoa is me, now where are the brownies?" Now, I still say, "Whoa is me..." But now I think about how the hell I'm going to fix this? (sans brownies) I at least recognize the fact that a pan of brownies will only make my situation worse.

So what am I doing about it? Hmm... let me think... I know this one... Oh yeah... not a lot! OK I know that is totally the wrong answer, but it's the truth. I'm not doing a lot right now. I've gotten a decent handle on my diet: forgoing massive quantities of sweet, eating whole grains, *trying* to eat more fruits and veggies (hey at least I'm trying), and listening to when my body feels full. Doing this, I've maintained my weight loss for over 2 years. But I'm seriously lacking in the exercise department, which is the ONLY way I'll start losing weight again. The fiance and I got memberships to a local gym. That was a big step for me. Problem is... That's the closest step I've made to the gym! It's been 3 months and we have yet to go for a workout. I know, I'm bad! I am so exercise-a-phobic. I just hate it. All that hard work and sweating, bah! Can I just sit on the couch? Of course I know the answer to that question. Sure, I can keep on sitting as long as I'm fine with settling for my big bootie, because apparently it's impossible to suck in your butt!

Apparently the only way I can fix this is to suck it up... suck up my fear of exercise and get moving! Because no amount of sucking it in will ever make me lose another 100 pounds!

#105 - Resolutions...

2010-01-02T09:34:00.001-05:00

Black steel, twisted and hard, encasing the bodies of these poor souls. The weight of the device bears down on the chest of one suffering man, sweat dripping from his brow as he endures the pain. Another woman, strapped onto some tool, stretching her body to and fro as she grimaces in agony. Torture devices as far as the eye can see, each imprisoning another wretched body. This may sound like I'm describing some medieval dungeon, but I'm not. I'm describing a horror far worse... the gym.

I seem to have gotten a handle on my eating habits. I've cut out the excess junk food, avoided fast food, brought whole grains into my life, consume more fruits and veggies, and watch my total calorie intake. This has allowed me to lose 75 pounds and maintain that lose for over a year. But now my weight won't seem to budge, and I know just the reason why... exercise. Even the word is like nails on the chalkboard to me. But without it, I just won't lose more weight (in a healthy, maintain it for life way, of course).

So once again tis the time of year for resolutions, and for probably the tenth straight year, exercise more is my New Year's resolution. That brings me to my reason... resolutions. Why is it that we save up things we want to do, especially things that are good for us, till the beginning of the new year? Health and fitness are something we should strive for year round, but it always seems to be something we put off. It's kind of like the idea that you can't start a diet mid-week (diets only start on Mondays of course). If we have some big looming goal, we put it off til the beginning of the year.

New Years resolutions are also an excuse to turn a blind eye to health during the holidays. The end of the year is laden with goodies, and feasts, and sweets. Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years - all within two months time. Those two months can do a lot of damage if you're watching your weight! So it seems the resolution is a way for us to ditch the calorie counting, grab a fork, and overindulge. I'm not saying that's entirely a bad thing. Splurging from time to time is needed. But there is a difference between enjoying all the yummies at Thanksgiving or Christmas dinner without returning for seconds, or thirds, or fourths?... Honestly, that first plate was indulgence enough. I know in the past, when the holidays came, it was like, woo hoo, time to eat! At Halloween I would down enough fun-sized candy bars to put a diabetic into a coma. At Thanksgiving, I would gorge on turkey, and stuffing, and mashed potatoes, and gravy, and green bean casserole, and stuffing, and stuffing, and stuffing (can you tell I like stuffing?)... And if that wasn't enough, I would still make room for pie (apparently unzipping your pants helps in this process)... Oh and not just pumpkin, had to have both pumpkin AND pecan pie. And then at Christmas, it was like Thanksgiving take two, only this time add a stocking full of candy and a house full of Christmas cookies. I have this little odd autistic quirt about me... I have to do things in rounded numbers (I know, I'm weird). So take Christmas cookies, if I make 10 batches of Christmas cookies (10 different types), that means each time I want a cookie, I would have to eat 10 cookies... to even out the batches of course. Obesity and OCD... not a good combination in this case!

Anyway, back to my topic. While I hate that we use the ole New Year's resolution as an excuse for bad behavior throughout the year, I must say I am again making my resolution. I made one small step in the right direction already. My fiance and I joined the gym! (Oh yes, you read right... fiance! My beau of almost two years has asked me to marry him!) But here's where the resolution comes in... we joined the gym in November... and have yet to go! So this year, we're hoping to go (no no wrong word, scratch that)... we're starting to go to the gym regularly. Of course, I know my style. If I don't ease into it, I'll be scared away after a week! So we'll take it slow and start going like twice a week and build from there in frequency and duration to help us make ourselves healthier for the new year. It will be nice to have a gym buddy to help motivate me to go. Once he gets going, my fiance likes exercise (yeah I know, weird), so that will help a lot!

On that note, Happy New Year everyone! May this year bring you a life with happiness and good health! So what's your New Year's resolution?

Mini update

2009-10-20T05:32:00.002-04:00

If you follow my blog, you know I don't post enough! Life, work, distractions, it all keeps me running. But I thought I'd update you on some cool stuff happening.

First off, I got a job!!! Yay! In past posts, I was talking about how I was starting to think it was my fat keeping me from getting a job. I had gone on a couple 2nd interviews even that resulted in nothing. So yup, I was starting to really doubt myself. But lo and behold, all I need was a little patience (maybe a lot of patience!). The economy sucks and it just took more time than I thought to find a great job.

Another good thing (geesh I sound like Martha Stewart), is that I am FINALLY falling off this weight plateau. I'm losing again, slowly but surely. 277 now, so down 75 pounds total. Yay! Plateaus are trickey. The body does naturally resist weight loss at times, slowing your weight loss down to allow time for your body to adjust. But there comes a point where you need to realize the plateau is not a plateau, but rather you being lazy about trying to lose weight. I must admit it was the latter for me. I had been getting lazy about weight loss lately. Too many sweets, too many second helpings, too little exercise. It's one thing to hit a plateau for a few weeks or a month or something, but if you've been sitting at a plateau for month after month... chances are you need to be doing something more. So I've been doing that something more and it's working again. Weight loss isn't rocket science - eat less, move more. But sometimes even something so simple is so hard to stick to! I think the important thing to think about is that even though I got lazy with weight loss, I still didn't give up. I knew I was doing less than spectacular in trying to lose weight, but I didn't just throw in the towel. In past years, I would have just said, "oh screw it, I'm not losing any weight anymore.... now I can eat that whole cheesecake" (I'm exaggerating of couse) I think the biggest difference for me this time around, is that I know this is a life-long commitment. So when I get lazy or eat poorly for while, I just tell myself it's like a little holiday, and I always come back to good habits. I guess in the past it was always the other way around, the default mode was bad habits.

And I'm still working on the book. The new job has me busy busy lately. I'm actually on the road as we speak on a 9 day long business trip! But I'm putting the final touches on a few book edits, so it's definitely moving along, albeit a little more slowly. I'm so excited to get 101 Reasons into print! It's been years of blood, sweat, and tears... ok maybe brownies, exercise, and venting... but you get the idea.

And on a side note: I know I don't post nearly enough, but I'm still here. So stop asking to buy my blog! It's not for sale!!!

..And she FINALLY gets on Twitter

2009-09-02T22:41:00.002-04:00

Hey all, just wanted to let you know that you can follow me on Twitter now! Twitter is the perfect format for me to vent my daily frustrations with life and writing. So I thought I'd share!

If you've noticed, I removed the archives from my blog. *collective awww from the readers* But never fear, cause the good news is 101 Reasons I Hate Being Fat is becoming a book! *yays* So follow me on Twitter if you want to hear me rant and rave about the whole publishing process and talk about my daily struggles!

#104 - The Effort of Being Fat!

2009-09-02T00:18:00.001-04:00

Let's face it; being fat takes A LOT of effort! Being fat takes much more than the normal amount of effort, on both physical and psychological levels. When I'm fat it takes so much out of me! Let me describe this in more detail... a list within in a list if you will.

1. Dieting. It seems that fat people are always on a diet, or at least attempting to be on a diet! Think of all the time and effort that goes into following all the programs, portioning out just the right amount of food, planning meals, shopping for the right ingredients, and frankly all the effort of feeling guilty when you eat something that you're not supposed to. I think fat people spend WAY more time thinking about food and food preparation than thinner people. Have you ever found yourself planning your next meal just as you took the last bite of your current meal? I know I have! I'm always planning (and not always in a good way - sometimes I'm planning when I'll have my next brownie)!

2. Physical. Being fat is hard work! Now I'm 5'6" with a stocky frame, so by my doctor's calculations I should weigh roughly in the 160 pound neighborhood. I'm currently 280, so that means I'm carrying an excess of about 120 pounds! Wow that's a hefty load! I mean imagine a 160 pound person having to carry around a 120 backpack all day long. Geesh, that would take a lot of effort. It takes a lot of work to lug around all that extra weight! Even walking up a flight of stairs can seem like a major task if you are carrying that much weight. By the end of the day, I'm exhausted, even if I've only done a few things around the house! Think of all of the other physical limitations of being fat. If you were healthier, you could play longer with your kids, you could enjoy physical activities like sport more, hell, even sex would be better!

3. Psychological. I think being fat adds so much undue stress to a person's life. Fat people have so many worries about being fat. We worry about what other people think about us, we worry about our diets, we worry about our health, we worry about getting dates, we worry about everything! That takes so much effort to constantly worry about stuff. And it's not just worrying. There are many other taxing emotions that face the fat afflicted. Many fat people suffer from depression and loneliness, though this may be a case of the chicken and egg. Which came first? The fat or the depression? Some would argue that being depressed leads to overeating and then obesity, but others would argue that being obese in itself is depressing and leads to further depression. I'm not sure on this one. Was I depressed when I was thinner and got then fat, or was I fat and then got depressed? The jury is still out on this one. I'm sure it's different for everyone, regardless, dealing with depression takes effort. You find yourself constantly having to give yourself pep talks to keep your spirits up or talk yourself out of yet another neurosis.

4. Health. Being fat is clinically proven to be bad for your health. Many people who are fat have to deal with medical conditions brought on by their obesity. It could be diabetes, high blood pressure, a heart condition, or even bad knees; they all take a lot of effort to deal with. With all of these afflictions there are numerous doctor visits, medications, and regimens that must be followed, all of which take a ton of effort. Imagine all the extra time you would have if you didn't need to keep popping pills or going to the doctor!

5. Work place. It's been shown that obese people are less likely to be hired than their thinner counterparts, mostly due to overly simplified stereotypes of the obese as being thought of as lazy and stupid. Now if you're one of the lucky ones and have a job, it's also been shown that obese people earn less money in the same jobs than skinner folks. So in the work place the obese person needs to make more of an effort to shine above the rest and prove their worth as a good employee. Who woulda thunk it? Being fat even affects the amount of effort you need to put into a job.

So what am I getting at with all of this? Well clearly being fat sucks. Not only does it carry awful social stigmas and health risks, it takes a lot of work! We always bitch and moan that losing weight is so hard and takes too much time and effort, but really it's so much harder being fat! Stay fat and spend a lifetime of hard work and effort to maintain (or should I say deal with) your fat body, or spend a few weeks, months, or years of effort losing weight and getting fit and healthy. It's our choice. Now by nature I'm kind of a lazy person. I always look at losing weight as such a major task, like it just TOO hard. But really when you put it into perspective, being fat is much harder. The amount of effort I mentioned above is just hitting the tip of the iceberg. It just takes so much effort to be fat. Wouldn't it be nice to not have to work so hard on all of the things we need to do being fat? I think the time is now to put in the effort and get healthy. All your efforts today will pay off for a lifetime!

Update: I know a lot of you have been wondering where I've been. I'm here, just trying to deal with life. As you see by my stats my weight hasn't budged! Yup, I'm still 280. So why the slow down? I'd been doing so well, consistently losing about 0.5-1 pound per week. Well let's face it; I haven't been putting in the effort into getting healthy. I've been letting the fat weigh me down (pun intended). Sometimes life throws you curve balls, and I got a whopper. Now I'm not trying to make any excuses. I know I'm not putting in the effort and it's reflected in my lack of weight loss, but I thought I'd fill you in on what's been up. In May I got laid off. :( Woo hoo, gotta love the economy! So I've been coping with being an unemployed person. Truth be told, I've been holding a pity party for myself. We you're unemployed for a while you really start to doubt your own self worth. I have a PhD and I can't even find a job, so I keep wondering what's wrong with me. Then I keep going back to that statistic about how it's harder for an obese person to find a job and I wonder if that's part of it, which in turn, makes me feel even worse and leads me yet again to that wonderful pan of brownies... yeah I know, I should know better. These walls on my pit of despair are steep, but I keep trying to claw my way out! I'm not going to get stuck in that rut of feeling sorry for myself and turning to food as a way to cope. I just have to keep reminding myself that's just the economy; so many others are in the exact same boat as me. I really need to remind myself of the big picture, that getting healthy NOW is important and will make me feel much better for the rest of my life. Hard times are no excuse. We'll be dealt a bad hand in life now and again. Learning how to deal with the tough times the right way is so important. Many people turn to their vices during the rocky times, whether it be drinking, drugs, or in my case food. But all of those things merely mask the pain. They don't solve your problems, only you can do that by facing them head on. That's why I say now that I'll always be a recovering fat-a-holic. The temptation to slide back into old habits is so easy. Sure I may have fallen off the wagon for a bit, but I'm not quitting

#103 - My inability, at times, to say "No"

2009-07-08T09:53:00.001-04:00

I am always amazed watching normal/thin people say 'No' to food. You know what I mean. 'Would like a slice of pie?', 'No, thank you.' Huh? If someone ever offered me a piece of pie, I would most graciously say 'yes'. :) Could I even turn down a slice of pie, ever? Even at Thanksgiving, when we are full to the limit with turkey and mashed potatoes and gravy and stuffing and all the yummy trimmings, there always somehow seems to be room for pie. I don't know where I picked up this inability to say 'no' to foods offered to me. Am I just being gracious? Am I truly hungry? Do I just want that high I get from carbs? Or is it just that I'm cheap and can't refuse a free offer? Who knows. It's probably some combination of the above. But it's true, I don't seem to have the word 'no' in my foodie vocabulary.

I notice that my normal-sized boyfriend always turns down my offers of food. 'Do you want a cookie?', 'No, thanks', 'Do you want some cake?', 'Nope, I'm good', 'Would you like some dinner?', 'Nah, not hungry'. How does he do it? Is he truly not hungry? Or does he possess some superpower I am unaware of? Ask me any of those above questions and I guarantee my answer will be 'yes'. Granted, I know my boyfriend isn't that much into sweets (I know, the horror!), so I get that it's easy for him to turn down my goodie offers. But still. I could ask him, 'Honey, want some steak?' (cause most men go weak at the knees for grilled beef products) And many times he'll still say 'no'.

What I wonder though, is do people like that consciously say 'no' as a choice? Like sure they would REALLY like some pie, but realize it's not good for them and refuse the offer? Or do they truly not have the same urges and cravings? I wonder. I've asked my boyfriend about this, and his answer usually is 'nope, I just don't want it'... Don't want pie??? Crazy talk. Everyone wants pie... don't they? Is there some innate switch inside normal/thin people that turns off that automatic 'yes' answer? Is our switch broken? Are we (the chubby ones) stuck in the 'on' position, and forced (ok I know not FORCED, but ya know) to say 'yes'? I mean I honestly can't remember the last time I turned down an offer of food. Probably the only time was when I had the stomach flu and couldn't keep anything down. Even then, I still managed to eat some soup and crackers when it was offered to me.

I keep thinking I have to work on exercising my right to say 'no' to sweets. I know they are not good for me. I know they don't add any essential nutrients to my daily diet. I know they make me fat. But despite all this knowing... I still say 'yes'. Maybe from being fat so long and saying 'yes' to all the crap over the years, I've just gotten out of practice in saying' no'. I think just like anything in life, it takes practice. By no means do I expect to always say 'no' to my favorite baked goods, but I think I can start consciously throwing in a 'no' here and there. I always say it's the little things we can do to help ourselves that add up. Just saying 'no' to a piece of pie 3 times a week, for example, adds up to 18 pounds in a year in excess calories! I'm going to do my little part today. I made a fresh batch of brownies yesterday, but I think today I will say 'no'. I can wrap them up and put them in the freezer where they can wait for me another day. I can say 'no'!

#102 - Underwear

2009-05-14T07:11:00.002-04:00

Underwear? You ask. It's true. This is one of those little odd reasons I hate being fat... underwear. As a fat woman I find myself faced with the dilemma of which underwear style to choose. I'm still quite heavy and have this oh-so-attractive stomach roll that I can't figure out what to do with. Here's the thing... do I wear big huge granny panties to cover it up? Do I wear high cut bikinis that cover half of it? Do I choose normal bikinis and let my undies sit under my roll. Or do I go nuts and wear a thong just covering up the bits? It's a strange dilemma, but I'm faced with it. The only reason this came up was the fact that I got so lazy and didn't wash clothes for a long time and have now gotten the chance to take a tour of every single pair of underwear in my underwear drawer. Yup I've worn them all. Briefs, bikinis, boy shorts, lace ones, cotton ones, silky ones, my underwear drawer is a cornucopia of undergarments.

So here's my take so far of Undie Tour 2009. The high cut bikinis are a pain. They cover half my roll when I slip them on, but during the day gravity and movement manage to roll them down and they end up bunched in a little roll under my, well, roll. Not very comfortable I must say. Same thing with the boy shorts. They are super cute when I slide them on, but in the end are hidden under my tummy. The regular bikini was at least honest with me. It made no attempt to cover up the stomach and sat below my gut. They are comfortable, but something about my tum tum swaying loose in the wind bothers me. I don't like the feel of my stomach scratching against the inside of my jeans. I don't know, maybe it's just me. Then there was the string bikini. God help us. This one was terrible. Not only did they disappear under my roll, the strings on the side found themselves wedged into my hip. Geesh, didn't I realize before I actually had hip rolls? Gross out. So when I look in the mirror, all I see is a little triangle of fabric covering my hoo ha, the rest mysteriously missing, tucked away in the folds. This, I did not like. Finally there was the infamous granny panties. OK I think what I call granny panties isn't the same ones your granny wears. Honestly I don't think I've ever bought a pair of truly full cut brief underwear. The ones I wear are actually labeled hipsters, whatever that means. But like Goldie Locks said, "they were just right". These seem to hug my body in all the right ways, cover the stomach, and stay put all day long. In my mind these are granny panties, but I know they are not even close. Granny panties are the ones that go up to your belly button... Let's not go there. So the clear winner for me was the hipsters.

But what about the size? Ugh, don't get me started. When did someone come up with underwear sizing? 4,6,8,10? And those sizes pretty much cover the size range of most women? I've always hovered in the 8-10 range for most of my adult life. Size 10? What is that equivalent to? I wear a size 22? I like what some of the plus-sized stores do. They actually size underwear normally. I can go there, buy a size 22/24 and KNOW they will fit. How many times have you picked up a 3-pack of undies in size X from one brand and another pack in the same size from another brand, go them home, and neither fit right (one probably being to tight, one too big)? I'll stick with my plus-sized brands even though they are heinously expensive ($14 for a pair of undies?!?).

This makes me think of the sizing on pantyhose (ok pantyhose aren't underwear, so a bit off topic, but at least it has the word panty in it!). A,B,C... Q? I was surprised to find I had picked up a royal title just from wearing my Queen-sized pantyhose! What the hell is that about? Is that the company's way of saying, "Aww, I'm sorry you're so fat. Let me make you feel better and call your size Queen." Strange. Some of the plus-size stores at least have the dignity to call it like it is and just continue the alphabet with their sizes, D,E,F,G,H. While some others have opted to come up with up with their own naming convention, either restarting the alphabet, A,B,C, or using numbers 1,2,3. I personally like the ones that give me the real sizes like 1X, 2X, 3X. Then I really know what I'm getting. I mean, am I a B or a C or a 2 or a 3? Well at least I know I'm somewhere around 2X or 3X, so I appreciate the honesty in their sizing. But I suppose pantyhose don't really need exact sizes anyway. When a pair of pantyhose says it fits a woman from 5'4" to 6'3" from 190 pounds to 250 pounds, I think you can be loose with the sizing.

So now all that remains in my undie drawer is a thong. So the question is... am I going thong or doing laundry today? I suppose I could take a tip from my boyfriend and just go commando!

~~ Mail Bag ~~

2009-04-30T21:28:00.003-04:00

I know, I know, I haven’t posted in ages! My bad. Mea culpa, mea culpa. I’ve been going through a tough time lately, just having a hard time sticking to being healthy. Sure I’m trying, but only half-assed, you know what I mean. So I’ve been having myself a little pity party lately, falling into that stupid cycle again of feeling bad, eating more, feeling worse, eating more, feeling even worse..... and so forth. But something made me realize what I had fallen back into. I opened up my email this morning and got a really delightful message. Shelley wrote me a great honest story about an experience she had while clothes shopping. Just reading her story today was enough to snap me out it. Anyway, I thought I’d share her story and my response with you all. As I explained to Shelley, I really don’t think you all realize the impact you have on me too!

Hello!

I know you haven’t updated the blog since January so I don't even know if you will even read this, but I feel like I want to email you and tell you my story and profess my love for your blog.

I stumbled upon your blog about 4 or 5 months ago at like 11 at night and I ended up reading the whole thing, in its entirety, start to finish and was up for a long time reading every post while my boyfriend lay in bed. I was smiling, agreeing, laughing, and crying. I couldn't stop! I haven’t read anything like your blog, ever. I have browsed many a book by overweight women and find myself not able to really relate to them because for some reason or another I don’t feel like its very real, but your blog is the most real thing I can imagine. Thank you so much for writing from a legit perspective.

I am 23 years old, 5'4 and about 250 pounds. I have almost always been kind of heavy, and it is no doubt in my mind that I suffer from some sort of Compulsive Overeating disorder. I love to eat! I ritualize it and honor food. Either way, I am a lucky girl because I have a great boyfriend who isn’t one of those creepy BBW admirers and is really supportive and understanding and truly likes a bigger lady. ANYHOW, that wasn’t the point of my letter; I wanted to share with you my eye opening moment when I realized that I could do something with what I have always thought of as my fat, shapeless body.

I have always been super self conscious about my clothes. I can never find anything that fits so I resort to black band t-shirts and jeans and flip flops pretty much all the time. I know, that I look terrible, but I feel like its okay to do in t-shirts and that wearing black will somehow slim me down. So, one day I stumbled upon Torrid in the mall, I am sure you know what Torrid is, and if not, boy are you in for a pleasant surprise. Well, it’s a modern plus size clothing store that isn’t too tacky but can be a little lame at times. So, I went inside and was blown away by the amount of cute clothing in bigger sizes so I started picking up things to try on. I was in my usual attire and the girls at the desk were those super proud fat girls with a lot of sass who are exponentially cooler than I am. I went into the dressing room and came out in a little outfit I picked out that look okay. The girl was waiting outside the dressing room for me and as I looked in the mirror I sighed and said "nothing fits!" The girl just gave me a blank stare and said "I think it looks pretty good" to which I gave the standard response "it makes me look fat". The girls at the counter kind of looked back as they heard my declaration and the girl standing there said "well, you ARE fat." I was so confused. Did she really just say that? Is she fucking crazy? She's much bigger than me, why is she insulting me? "What???" I said. "You ARE fat. I know, it’s hard to hear, but someone had to tell me too." At this point I had no idea what to do, I was frozen with humiliation. "You're a big girl, and that’s okay, don’t be scared of it, that won’t do you any good. You have to embrace it and learn to dress accordingly. Those jeans you were wearing when you came in, what size are they?" she asked. I told her they were an 18 and she shook her head. "You are trying on size 18 jeans but they don’t fit you. You aren't a size 18, you are a 20, is it that hard to admit that? Holding on to that size 18 in your head doesn’t make you any skinnier, neither does that disgusting t-shirt that is way too small. No one can see the labels on your clothes, so even though in your head you are wearing an XL shirt and 18 jeans and you feel a few pounds lighter, to them you are just a fat girl in clothes that don’t fit. Try on a bigger shirt and a pair of 20s" Reluctantly and still a little shell shocked I let her show me to the bigger jeans and some daring tops that I would have never picked out for myself. To my surprise, when I put on the jeans they fit like a glove, perfect around my waist, I didn't have to suck my stomach in all the way to get them on and they didn’t tuck my fat in and cut off my circulation, I was impressed and the shirt showed a lot of cleavage but surprisingly, took the attention off my stomach and damn, I must say, I looked good. I came out and the girls at the desk clapped. They threw me in a pair of kitten heels to elongate my body and a new bra and sent me packing. I felt rejuvenated, just as I did after reading your blog.

Thanks for everything you said on there. It helped me find comfort in myself.

Shelley M.

Hi Shelley,

Yes it has been so long since I've posted on my blog. I guess you can say I've been in a bit of a slump. I lost 70 pounds over the course of about a year and a half and now I'm stuck in some holding pattern, my weight not budging. And this has gotten me down.

Thank you for emailing me. Your honest story about the clothes was great. And I know about Torrid - LOVE it! The whole thing about realizing - yes, I am fat - can be painful. But I find now when I look in the mirror after picking out some outfit that might not be the most flattering, and I say to myself, "OMG, I look fat!" Then I pause, look again, and say, "well, you are fat, get over it." It definitely takes a healthy dose of acceptance of our current fat bodies, before we can muster up the gusto to try to lose weight. It's kind of an oxymoron. You have to hate your fat enough to do something about it, but at the same time you have to love yourself enough to want to do it. It's tricky and complicated.

I just wanted to thank you again for your email. I've been stuck in this rut, and I must say your email made me smile and shook me out of my funk a bit. I am fat, so what? I don't like being fat, so I'll do something about. I just have to keep chanting this mantra. I think I've been stuck feeling sorry for my fat body lately, letting myself slip back into that "I'm fat, woe is me, now give me something to eat" mentality. Thanks for giving me a little jolt!

I think what people don't realize is that it's comments and emails like yours that totally help motivate me. I get a lot of thank yous from people saying how much I've helped them stay motivated, but really it works both ways! Thanks for sharing your story! We all need to find a way to feel comfortable in our own skins. Only then can we truly be ourselves!

Thanks again!

Jenny
AKA karaokekitty @ 101 Reasons I Hate Being Fat

Read the last Mail Bag post

#101 – When will I stop being "fat"?

2009-01-09T15:10:00.002-05:00

I've been thinking about this, and I wonder what your opinion on this is. At what point will I earn the right to stop calling myself fat? Is it when others stop calling me fat? Is there a weight limit? A BMI limit? Is it some abstract state of mind, only definable by me? Is it all of the above? I don't know. I know I'm definitely still fat. I'm cool with that. I've lost 70 pounds, with about... oh... 80+ more to go. I know this is a process, a journey, but when won't I be fat anymore? Sure I could go by the height and weight charts in the doctor’s office, or calculate my BMI, but that's just a number. I don't know, does it even matter? So many of my reasons why I hate being fat all have to do with me being self conscious... Are those people looking at me because I’m fat? Do men reject me because I'm fat? Do these jeans make me look fat... and are people looking? I CANNOT wear a swim suit in public! Sound familiar? Maybe we lose the fat moniker once our brains stop thinking we're fat. Maybe it's a personal thing for everyone. I think some people think they are totally fat when they are only 5 pounds over weight, while others don't feel fat until they are something like 50 pounds heavier. It's all a state of mind. But I don't know, maybe I'll always be a fat person. I don't mean physically, but mentally. This may be something I struggle with for the rest of my life. I mean what am I expecting to happen? Lose like 150 pounds and then keep it off with no effort? That's not gonna happen. It takes work to lose it and even more work to keep it off. I guess it just means I'll be a recovering fat-a-holic for the rest of my life. One day at time. Geesh, I think I need a 12-step program. Makes me think of that Serenity Prayer. Here's my version for the weight-challenged of the world:

God grant me the serenity
To make good food choices;
Courage to turn away from baked goods;
And energy to exercise daily.
Living healthy one day at a time;
Enjoying my journey;
Accepting that the road to wellness can be hard;
Taking the tools of better eating out into the world
As I should, free from the bad habits of the past;
Trusting that making wise decisions today will pay off tomorrow;
If I surrender to my will
I will not beat myself up in this life and the next
But I will remember that this is a life long journey;
A journey that is well worth every pound lost.

All kidding aside, I think that really sums it up. It will be hard to make good choices everyday, but just take it one day at a time and never give up. And don't beat yourself up so much! Life is hard, weight loss is hard, being healthy takes a lot of time and effort, so any energy you put into it is awesome! Pat yourself on the back! This is a life long journey of many tiny changes to your old habits. I'm a firm believer in making VERY small changes. Clearly all those fad diets didn't work for us. Sure maybe you lost a little weight, but did you keep it off? I think it's all about the little changes. You can sustain little changes forever. An extra glass of water a day? Easy peasy. An extra serving or two of veggies daily? Piece of cake (oh God, don't let me get started on cake... ). OK then... a smaller piece of cake at the next birthday party. Simple. You get the idea. It just takes teenie tiny changes like these, that over time will add up to something significant - a more healthy you! Sure you won't lose weight as fast as that fasting diet, but the changes in your body will last a life time.

Hi. My name is Jenny. And I'm a recovering fat-a-holic.

******

OK, I think I just heard a collective gasp as you all realized that was post number 101. I know what you’re thinking. Is she going to stop posting now?!? Is it over?!? Well, let me reassure you I don’t plan on stopping yet. Why? Well… have I reached my goal yet? No way. Do I still have reasons why I hate being fat? You betcha! So never fear, 101 Reasons I Hate Being Fat will go on. I guess I just need to start over… Another 101 Reasons I Hate Being Fat!

#100 - Blaming something else for my weight gain

2008-12-31T14:45:00.002-05:00

This is going to be a difficult post to read. It's a difficult post to write. But it's something that needs to be said. We all got fat for a reason. It didn't just happen. Sure, there is a small percentage of people that gain weight due to medical reasons, but I'm betting you and I are not one of them. We gained weight mostly due to emotions. Food is a great coping tool for life. It makes you happy when you are sad (gotta love the calming effects of the carbohydrate). It gives you company when you are bored or lonely. It lifts you up on a down day. Food is always there for you. Food is awesome that way. But there is the flip side. Food will let you down in the end. It's not the miracle cure to all of life's problems. Food will trap you. Once you start to overeat, you need more and more food to satisfy you. And like a junkie, you keep going back for your fix. Food can be a drug, plain and simple. You need to be careful how you use it. Food is meant to nourish our bodies and keep us alive. But we've turned food into this tool to help us get through the bad times.

I suspect if you are like me, it took some pretty bad times to get you where you are today. Why did you turn to food? I truly don't think we can lose this weight until we face up to why we got fat in the first place. It's so easy to blame something else for our weight. "It's genetic." "I have big bones." "I don't like to waste food." "I quit smoking and gained weight." "I have a medical condition that makes me gain weight." "I don't have time to watch my weight." "I don't like to exercise." Sorry, but I think all of those excuses are crap. It was a choice. You chose to become fat. Sure, you didn't wake up one day and say, "I think I wanna be fat now!" Of course not, but you chose to overuse food for whatever reason got you started. You say it's genetics? Ok so you were dealt a bad genetic hand. That only means you need to watch your weight more closely. Some people can eat whatever they want and not gain a pound. You are not one of those people. You know it. So choose. Fall back on your excuse, or work at it. You say it's medical? Then get to a doctor and solve the problem. So many people fall on this excuse, but it is VERY rare to have a medical condition that makes you morbidly obese. Sure there are lots of medications and conditions that can predispose you to gain a bit of weight (a bit, like maybe 20 pounds), but true medical conditions causing you to gain 100+ pounds are very rare. Again, you choose. Excuse? Life?

I hate to be so brutal, but it's the brutal facts. We make choices. And we've apparently made some bad choices. But it's not the end of the world, it's not game over, we can fix the problem. We can choose to use food in a more normal way. Remember, food is there to keep us alive and nourish us. It's not an emotional coping tool. This brings me back to the real reason most of us got fat. Emotions. We hate to admit it, but food was there when we were down, and it temporary lifted us up out of whatever crap we were going through. So why did I get fat? This is the hard part to write. To actually put down on paper and share with the world why I got fat. When I was a little girl I was sexually abused by a relative. It went unnoticed for seven years. I hid what was happening to me out of fear and shame. I was a little girl. I was brainwashed into thinking I would destroy the family if I said anything. And I believed that. I thought it all must have been my fault. Initially I didn't use food to deal. Though I was taught food was a reward for my silence. I got an ice cream cone after every time. Sad huh? But my way to cope overall was by becoming the perfect child. Perfect student. Perfect friend. Perfect clothes. Perfect life. Perfect everything. It's pretty hard to be perfect all the time. Finally when I was fourteen years old, I snapped. I basically had a nervous breakdown. I couldn't stop screaming and crying. Of course my parents freaked out trying to figure out what had happened to their perfect child. Ironically, my father was a psychologist, and it wasn't long before my parents figured it out. I couldn't utter the words, but they knew. They knew there was only one thing that would make a girl fall apart so bad. We went to the police. We did everything you do in this situation. I started therapy. But after all of this, I was numb. My whole life seemed false. I wasn't that perfect child. I was just me. Was just me good enough? I didn't think so anymore. All the threats that had been whispered to me came true. My family was destroyed, everything fell apart. My immediate family broke off from the extended family, and became isolated. He was right, I wrecked everything. Of course that was what I was thinking then, I don't think that now. It was all his fault. No question. But I took on all the blame. That is a lot for a fourteen year old to deal with. And so it began. I made the choice. Ironically, I used food just like he had taught me. Feel bad... eat an ice cream cone, and so on and so on. I gained all that weight to protect me from the world. If you are fat, you are less desirable. Who wants a fat girl? I was safe.

Does this story sound familiar? I wouldn't be surprised if it does. It's estimated that 25% of obese people have been sexually abused. Only 6% of the thin population have had the same experience. It's even been shown that people with a history of sexual abuse have a harder time losing and maintaining weight loss. Any small failure or set back seems like the end of the world and we quit. Food is so much easier.The choice seems so easy when you feel so bad. But where does it get you in the end? Food lies. It's a quick fix. In the end, you are more fat, more miserable, and have less self-esteem than when you started. It's a bad choice. I can sit back and blame my life's events for my weight. I can eat all my problems away. Trust me, I've done that! But I won't do it anymore. I went through therapy, I dealt with everything that happened, I came to terms with my life, and I'm moving on and choosing to live. Unfortunately my body hasn't quite caught up with my brain, but I'm working on it. For me, the fat is kind of like the scar left behind after everything. I'm still healing, and slowly the scar is starting to fade. Maybe someday, you wont even notice the scar anymore. Everyday I make a choice now. Fall back on bad habits or move forward. I choose. What do you choose?

Check out this cool book!

2008-12-10T08:01:00.002-05:00

Hey guys, I thought I'd tell you about a new book out called Blog Blazers. It's a new book about influential bloggers out there blogging right now. It's an interview-style book giving you tips on how to make a successful blog.

The author, Stephane Grenier, asks lots of cool questions about blogging such as:
- What's your best tip for writing a successful blog post?
- What are your main avenues for marketing your blog?
- What was your most successful blog post ever?
- What's the most common mistake new bloggers make?
- What turns you off most when visiting a blog?
- What's the best way to make money from your blog?
- Which books and websites do you recommend to new bloggers?
- Which five blogs do you regularly read?
- and many more!

OK and now for a little self promotion - I was picked as one of the bloggers the author interviewed! How cool is that!? Anyway, check it out! It's a great read.

#99 - Being Hypersensitive

2008-11-04T16:20:00.002-05:00

I hate than when I'm fat, I find I'm so sensitive to what people around me are saying. I always assume some hidden meaning in every little sentence. Like it's not bad enough I think people are looking at me because I'm fat, now I think they're somehow giving me some message in secret code when they talk to me. Here's an example.

Coffee shop worker: Good morning. What can I get you ma'am?
Me: I'd like a medium iced latte.
Coffee shop worker: Would you like a large instead?

There, she said it. "Large" Is she insinuating something? Is she implying I'm large? What does she mean by that? Of course she means absolutely nothing. She's been told by countless managers to try to up sell on every order in an attempt to make more bank in this hideous economy. I know this, but of course I always jump to conclusions.

My list of examples like this goes on and on. Why the hell am I so damn sensitive? I know, I know. Yet AGAIN another fat = low self-esteem issue. What's the big deal, why can't I get over it? (hmm I said 'big', did I mean something by that?) I suppose anyone with any kind of hang up does this. I suppose if you are self conscious cause you are too skinny (God, wish that was my problem), every mention of tiny or small or little sends shivers up your spine. I swear, no one can say anything around me related to size without me thinking way into it. Big, large, huge, fat, round, immense, enormous, ample, bulky, giant, hefty, wide, voluminous... Every time I hear these words... nails on the chalk board. I always think people are out to personally attack me. How dumb. I know that's not true. Like people walk around with a personal agenda to figure out how to spoil my day, mmhmm, yeah right.

Is it just fat people, or does everyone do this? Weigh in and let me know (... there I go again, why do I keep mentioning weight? lol).

Speaking of overly sensitive... my bathroom scale... oh the horror! So I told you last time I FINALLY gave up my fairy tale magic scale, that used to miraculously make me weigh less. Well, I gave up my very last piece of denial about my weight. So what's the verdict? Yup, you guessed it, I'm fat! Apparently the magic scale was off by 37 pounds... THIRTY SEVEN POUNDS!!! At least I'm not deluding myself anymore into thinking I actually weighed 240 pounds... nope, it's just not true. I must say, over the the past week, I feel like I gained 40 pounds. Yeah I know it's only a stupid number, but it got to me. I was so excited weighing myself and seeing 230s and 240s (I know that is still really heavy to some people, but when you've been over 300, that's an accomplishment!). But now that I get on the scale and see (gulp) 282 this morning (clearly all the Halloween candy, cookies, take out, etc, etc, has had it's toll lately! Time to get back on track!!), I have this heaviness I had back when my magic scale said I weighed 282. Isn't that weird? Weight loss is so psychological. I did not change one bit from one day to the next physically, but seeing a larger number makes me feel like I took 40 steps backwards, like I failed or something! Ugh! I keep reminding myself that I've still lost SO MUCH WEIGHT! But then that makes me think... hmm before I thought my highest weight was 315... the scale was off by 37 pounds... that means my highest weight was actually 352... Then I think, "Good God, I was that fat? Jesus!" Isn't that stupid? Thinking about that even makes me feel bad. But I am still motivated. The hurdle I have to jump is a little higher than I thought, but I'm up for the challenge! Realistically, I have another 100+ pounds to lose (*deep breath*). I've come this far already, I'm not going to let a little mind game psych me out. I know I can do it in time. I've been at this for 2 years now. I've lost 70 pounds (used to 80 until my little Halloween fiasco lol - fun size candy bars are the devil!). I've been through ups and downs, but I always manage to come back to the path of better health. I'm going to keep at it, probably for another few years, but I know in the end it will be well worth the struggle and effort. There's no denying that!

#98 - Numbers

2008-10-22T16:04:00.002-04:00

We are surrounded by numbers in our everyday lives. We always talk about numbers: days, weeks, months, years, hours, minutes, seconds, phone numbers, clothes size, number of calories, 8 glasses of water a day, 5 fruits and veggies, percentages at the polls, electoral college votes, the national debt! 99 bottles of beer on the wall? OK maybe a stretch, but you get the idea. Numbers, numbers, numbers! I hate that we are consumed by them!

It's no wonder we are all so fixated on weight, the number I mean. We are constantly surrounded by numbers and we're always making little calculations throughout the day. Who hasn't thought about (or been told what should be) their ideal weight. But are we striving for the right number? Do know where those height and weight charts originally came from? An insurance company!!! Metropolitan Life Insurance Company first developed these height and weight charts back in 1943, which were then revised in 1983. How objective could they have been when doing their calculations? When they came up with these tables they called them desirable weights, meaning that at this weight you had the lowest risk of mortality. Remember this is a life insurance company, they DON'T want you to die, therefore the weight ranges are very conservative. Somewhere along the way these desirable weights became ideal weights, and they've stuck ever since. Here's something that may surprise you. Those height and weight charts specify your weight in clothes (add 3 pounds for women, 5 pounds for men) with 1" heels on. I guess I should have been looking at the 5'7" ranges instead of 5'6" all these years. Who knew? But I have to admit there is some validity to these charts. They do give you weight ranges for the lowest mortality rates. But I think we sometimes take these numbers too seriously and literally. Not everyone fits into the same mold. Clearly there are different frame sizes, different builds, muscle volume, etc. I think you need to find a weight where you are happy and healthy AND it's a weight you can maintain.

Another little random fact about numbers... do you know the origin of the claim that we need to drink 8 glasses of water a day? No one else does either. It's a myth! Of course it's healthy to stay hydrated, but 8 glasses? There is no scientific proof that much is needed! One paper studied this very question (8x8 article). They couldn't find the origin either, but quoted the Food and Nutrition Board of the National Research Council from 1945, which stated, "A suitable allowance of water for adults is 2.5 liters daily in most instances. An ordinary standard for diverse persons is 1 milliliter for each calorie of food [about 8 glasses a day, in other words]. Most of this quantity is contain in prepared foods." Sure they say drink 8 glasses, but right there they state you get most of this from your food. For some reason the 8 glasses rule stuck after this. I still think it's good to drink a lot of water every day, just maybe not THAT much. For one, it's hard to get in all that water every day, and two, you have to pee all damn day! But alas, there are health benefits to a high liquid intake. The prevalence of many cancers, like urinary cancer and colorectal cancer, are reduced in people who drink a lot, and heart disease seems to improve with increased intake. Also water is filling, if you are drinking that much, you probably are eating less, which can definitely help you lose weight. So while the benefits are there, that end all be all number of 8 glasses a day is bogus.

So back to these numbers... my numbers... I try very hard to not concentrate so much on weight, the actual number. I like to think more about progress in terms of how my clothes fit or how good I'm feeling. But even I fall under the spell of my scale as I hypnotically weigh myself, waiting for my defining number to appear. I'm sure you remember me talking about my "magic scale". I have this scale that is WAY off from the doctor's office scale. It's my weight in fairy dream land.. in other words, it weighs me about 30 pounds lighter. Gotta love that, right? Well, in my journey for wellness, part of it has been coming to terms with things in my life and living with a little less denial. That being said... it was time for the magic scale to go.

I've lost 80 pounds (yes, I know, another number). No scale can change that. Sure the number may be a little higher than I thought, but that also means the starting number was higher too. I still have lost 80 pounds! I actually had to make two trips to buy a new bathroom scale. Trip #1 consisted of me heading to the scale section of the department store, trying out a few scales, lowering my head in shame, and walking out to my car and crying. It really hit me hard to see the "real" number on the scale. It was jarring. Well, I managed to muster up the courage and made the attempt again. I put on my emotional blinders, muttering my mantra, "I've lost 80 pounds, I've lost 80 pounds...", and made a bee-line for the scales. I again tried out a couple. Usually when picking out a house-hold item, I hem and haw about the features, the price, the design, whatever, I'm picky I guess. But this time, I plunked a couple scales onto the ground, stepped on a few, took a deep breath, and grabbed one off the shelf and whisked it into my cart with little effort or thought. Like a bandaid, I just had to tear away the magic scale from my life in one fail swoop! With new scale in hand, I'm ready to continue my journey to a healthier me... a little more accurately.

#97 - Feeling like an outsider

2008-09-23T22:09:00.001-04:00

Why is it that when I'm fat, I feel like a total outsider in life? I feel like I'm always sitting out on the sidelines, waiting for something to happen. I'm like this lurker through life, just sitting back and observing. I've said before that fat people are invisible to the world, but really, fat people do what ever they can to make themselves invisible. Are we really being ignored, or are we hiding ourselves from life?

Sometimes I feel like the sidekick in my own life when I should be the headliner! Why do we let this happen? Why do we let shame and embarrassment and all that other crap that comes with being overweight get in the way, why do we let those feelings rule our lives? I feel like I have to force myself out of my cocoon every once in a while and face life as me, the star of my life, instead of sulking back in the shadows, watching life pass me by. Is it like this for everyone in life? Do we all have to make an effort to be assertive? Or is this, yet again, another self esteem issue brought on by obesity? I seem to know a lot of heavy people that fit into this category. Most of the skinny people I know seem pretty confident with themselves. Life seems easy for them. OK OK, I know I'm generalizing! I'm sure there are plenty of self-conscience skinny people and just as many confident fat people. But maybe it is easier for the thin person to be confident, because they never get the leers and jeers that fat people have to deal with. If you are a confident fat person, you have an amazing sense of self worth. It means not only are you able to look past all the crap life throws at us, but you are also able to deal with the onslaught on insults that fat people deal with, letting all of that roll off your back. If you are one of those people, hats off to you! I struggle everyday to be that type of confident person.

This whole idea of feeling like an outsider came to me as I was sitting on the train, riding back from a business meeting. I could see all these confident business people around me, and I sat there lurking in the shadows, trying yet again to make myself fat self invisible. How is that all these business people can be so confident? I felt like I didn't fit into that crowd of business types, but really I did. The funny thing is, I am one of those business people. I have every right to call myself a successful business person, but I sat there on the train thinking I was less than the people I saw around me. Any why? Because they were thinner than me? How stupid! I'm a smart woman! The outside is NOT what counts! Confidence, don't fail me now!

Yes, I know it's been ages since I've posted. I've been crazy busy at work, leaving me little time to relax let alone write. But I'm back! Never fear, I haven't given up. So... update time. Since I last blogged, I've lost another 6 pounds (that's a rate of 3 pounds lost per month, slow but steady!). I had a funny revelation on the train today. I got up from my seat and nearly walked out of my pants. Seriously. When you start rolling the waistband of your pants over 3 times to keep them from falling off... it's time to buy new work clothes! I guess I'm just trying to get as much life out of them as I can. But just imagine how I would have looked on the train if I had lost my pants. I could picture myself standing there in the aisle with my pants around my ankles... That would have been hilarious! Honestly, I don't think I would have been mortified like some people may have been if their pants dropped to the floor. I would be laughing my ass off! I guess that's one way I've learned to cope with life. Sometimes the best thing to do in life is laugh! Maybe sometimes I struggle to be the star in my own life, but at least I have the comic relief down.

#96 - Going to concerts...

2008-07-26T14:03:00.001-04:00

One thing I really hate about being fat is that I simply take up too much space. While everyone around me seems to fit into a nice little package, I'm sitting there like a giant blob. Every time I've gone to a concert or some kind of stadium event I feel totally cramped into my little seat. Clearly seating in these places was designed for the average 160 person. I feel bad about it. I feel bad that my girth hangs over to neighboring seats. I feel like I encroach on my neighbors personal space. So every time I go to a concert or anything I always get an aisle seat, that way I can lean a bit to the side to accommodate my seat mate. Being fat can be so embarrassing. Haven't you ever got on a plane or gone to a concert and seen the look on the persons face sitting next to you? As you walk down the aisle you can see them thinking, "Don't sit by me, don't sit by me..." And then the little frown as you plop down next to them. Embarrassing. I hate that I have to plan ahead just because I'm fat. I've even turned down free tickets to a concert because I knew they weren't aisle seats. Isn't that crazy? Free tickets! But no... too embarrassed to squeeze into the spot. Of course I've done it, that's why I know it's awful. You sit in the middle of the row, futility squeezing your arms together, attempting to take up less space. You can manage to do it, but most of the concert is spent in total discomfort, and by the end of the concert you are totally sore from all the contorting you have done trying to make your body smaller. How sad! I hate being fat!

My quest for a smaller body is chugging along. I'm still losing weight, albeit slowly (which is GOOD!). This time around I'm not racing to lose the weight, cause clearly that has never worked for me in the past. I can lose weight pretty easy, but I'm terrible at keeping it off. I always seem to gain back any weight I've lost plus 10 pounds. Doing this over and over and over again shot me all the way up to 315 pounds at one point. My goals now are very, very small. Eat better, try to move more, and see if I can manage to lose 0.5-1 pound per week (2-4 pound/month). That probably sounds super slow to some of you, but every doctor I've talked to is wicked happy with that slow progress. All the research I've read indicates that the slowest weight loss is the easiest to maintain. Why is that? One reason is the body's set point. Your body gets used to being a certain weight. Say you're 225 pounds. You diet and fast and lose 25 pounds in a couple weeks. Your brain still thinks you should weigh 225 pounds. So basically it's fighting against you, trying desperately to get you back to 225 pounds. It's thinks you're starving. So your weight loss slows, your appetite increases, and low and behold, you gain the weight back within months. There are various technical/medical reasons behind this. I won't get into all of it, but one thing that happens is your body makes a certain amount of insulin based on how much you eat. Insulin is the chemical that breaks down the sugars you eat. So your body is plodding along make a ton of insulin every day since you eat a lot. Then one day you stop eating (or start eating very little). You have less sugar in your bloodstream, but still have the same amount of insulin, too much insulin. What happens? Your blood sugar ends up dropping too low, and you feel hungry, cranky, irritable, and miserable. Don't you love dieting? Over time, your body will start making less insulin, but this is a slow process. Alternatively, if you lose the weight very slowly, you can trick your body. The body adapts VERY slowly to weight fluctuations. Eating a little less over time can help you get through this adaptation phase. This is just one example. Metabolism is pretty complex, but needless to say, it takes slow weight loss for the body to get used to the idea of being smaller. Crash diet and your body will think you are starving and do what ever it can to get you back up to that higher set point weight. So slow down! It's not a race! Eventually, overtime, you can whittle your body down to the point where you'll take up less space. Maybe even to the point where you can comfortably sit in the middle of the row at a concert once again!

#95 - Denial...

2008-07-18T20:57:00.003-04:00

I hate that sometimes I have no clue. Does this sound familiar?

Those cookies won't be THAT bad for me.
A third helping of dinner? I was hungry!
250 pounds? That's not THAT bad I suppose.
I look fine in these jeans/shirt/skirt/dress/shorts.
These pants aren't THAT tight.
I'm not THAT unhealthy.
I walk around every day. I guess that's exercise.
My sore knees aren't from the weight. Everyone has aches and pains.
I'll start my diet tomorrow/next week/next month/at New Years.
Ice cream counts towards my daily dairy intake.
Cheetos have cheese in them. That's healthy.
I'm big boned.
Obesity runs in my family. I can't help it.

Something really got me thinking about denial... My bathroom scale. I've devoted whole posts about my bathroom scale and the love/hate relationship I have with it. Right now, I'm loving it. It tells me wonderful things about myself. I'm losing weight. But what truly is my weight? (Denial time) As you can see from my stats I started at 315 and now I'm down to 243. Yes, I have lost 72 pounds. There is no arguing that. But how accurate is the scale? Not very accurate actually. I went to the doctor a couple weeks ago to be reminded of JUST how inaccurate my scale is. I know the scale is TOTALLY off. But hell, it keeps me motivated to see the smaller number. Denial? You betcha! At the doctors office my weight was about 30 pounds higher. Sure I can probably account for 5 pounds in jeans and a little higher day time weight... but the other 25 pounds? Denial. My scale even has a nickname... The magic scale. Because it magically makes you light as air! Should I get a new scale and actually come to terms with the fact that I'm REALLY 25 pounds heavier? Hmmm... good question. Seeing 243 does motivate me to continue. What would seeing 268 do to my psyche? Would I be so bummed, like I had actually gained the weight back or something? That is the fear. So the denial continues. Like I said before, there is no arguing... I've lost 72 pounds! That is still something! So really my highest weight was more like 340. And I'm still losing. But to continue with the magic scale or face reality? I'm always talking about confidence, and how important it is. What will seeing my weight 25 pounds higher do to my confidence? I know it's not all about some dumb number, but we always seem to come back to it. I kind of feel like Samson. My magic scale is like Samson's confidence building hair. I'm afraid of what will happen when I cut the magic scale out of my life and see the TRUE weight. Gulp. I told my little tale to one of my doctors. He just laughed and said to keep the scale, so what if it was inaccurate, at least it was showing weight loss and that was what was important. Maybe it's ok. I suppose he's right. The weight loss is all that matters. And I do know that once I reach my "goal" it wont truly be my goal. I'll have 25 pounds more to go. I'm definitely not in denial about that. I think I've dealt with most of my fat denial issues except this one. Maybe once I've gotten rid of the magic scale and faced the truth, then I'll truly be past all the denial. But for now? Well... It's not THAT much denial... I'm 243 pounds. *smiles* Yeah right, that's the ticket!

#94 - Going to the beach

2008-06-27T07:56:00.000-04:00

I managed to swallow my pride and slip into my capri pants this season despite my hesitation. By no means am I comfortable wearing them, well... physically comfortable, yes, emotionally comfortable, no. I was starting to think the other day, as the hot sun was making me melt, that it's getting time to hit the beach. Ugh, the beach. A fat girl's worst nightmare. We spend the whole year trying to cover up our fat with long tunics, black attire, and layered looks. But at the beach there is no hiding! I don't care what kind of "slimming" swim suit you find, you still are exposed. I hate that! I really don't relish the idea of showing off my cellulite to the world.

But it's not even just the fact that I have to bare my, well, everything in a bathing suit, it's more. I love walking along the beach, looking at all the shells and creatures at the shore edge, but honestly, even the walking can be tough sometimes. The reason: the sand. My thin counterparts flit along the beach, seeming to have no problem walking in the sand, while I, on the other hand, sink deep into the sand with every step. Is this a beach or quicksand? So with every step it takes mammoth strength to free myself from the grasp of the beach sand. Does this happen to you too? Or am I just some weird freak of nature, incapable of walking in the sand? I do know that exercise experts say walking on the beach is extremely healthy for the reason that it IS hard to walk on. I guess even skinny people sink a bit into the sand as they walk, but come on, I leave holes in the beach when I walk. OK, maybe it's not that bad, but it sometimes feels that way.

There is other stuff I feel I can't do at the beach when I'm heavy. I live along water and the other day my boyfriend and I were out watching jet-skiers zip by. That looked like tons of fun, but in my mind, I said, "yeah I'm probably too fat to do that." Probably not true, but it's those awkward moments when you are in the jet-ski rental shop when they ask you your weight or you see a maximum weight limit for the jet-skis (which of course shows you are too heavy). It's mostly moments like those that keep me from doing adventurous things. The total fear of embarrassment.

The one thing I do like about going to the beach is the actual swimming. Being fat has it's benefits here. While everyone is exhausted from swimming and treading water, I can stay in the water for hours if desired without tiring. Why? Well, fat floats. So I can hide my cellulite beneath the waves and enjoy the sun and surf while getting a little exercise with swimming and floating around. It's this that keeps me coming back to the beach despite the embarrassment of baring my ass. But at some point you need to get out of the water. Staying in the water too long will turn you into a total prune, and pruney cellulite is not a pretty sight.

At some point in my day of embarrassment at the beach, I get over it, I suck it up, get out of the water, and bask in the sun like everyone else. You have every right to enjoy a day at the beach like everyone else. A little embarrassment shouldn't hold you back from the things you like to do, ever! If it helps you to get over the embarrassment, make sure you swim a lot, then you can consider your day at the beach as exercise. I live a little more than a mile from the public beach. I know that first visit to the beach will be the toughest. I'll feel every eye on me, assuming they are all judging me because I'm fat. I think the important thing here to remember is that NO ONE likes wearing a swim suit. How many skinny girls have you heard bitching about swim suit season? When you think someone is staring at you, realize it might be the opposite, that they might we wondering what you think of them. Get over the fear of embarrassment, enjoy the summer, enjoy the beach, enjoy life! Being trapped inside yourself with all these fears just isn't worth it. Keep reminding yourself of what you've done and what you are doing. Feeling like you're being judged by evil stares from strangers? Well screw them! Remind yourself that you are working on losing weight and getting healthy, you've lost 5 pounds, 10 pounds, 20, 50, 100+. It will never matter what "those" people think. The only thing that matters is you. How do you feel about yourself? Are you confident? Are you strong? Are you happy? Maybe it will take a little bruised ego and a little getting over your fears, but get on that swim suit and get down to the beach! You know I'll be there. I might be trying to dig my feet out of the sand, but I'll be there!

~~ Mail Bag ~~

2008-06-13T19:05:00.002-04:00

OMG this comment had me laughing at my desk today! And it is SO true. Thanks Shanna for making ME laugh this time!

Shanna signed this to my guestbook today:

You are hilarious! Thanks for making me giggle today! Hey, here is another reason I hate being fat: No such thing as "skinny" jeans. I mean, come on! I really hate that phrase. I only have fat jeans and makes-my-bootie-a-little-less-ginormous jeans.

Wow, don't you agree? When was the last time you could say you fit into skinny jeans? I'm with Shanna, screw the "skinny" jeans, I just want ones that don't make my butt look so fat!

Well that makes me think... my defintition of "skinny" jeans has creeped up and up over the years. "Skinny" jeans used to be size 9 when I was in high school, then in college 16 was my "skinny" jeans, now... well... geesh I consider 20's my skinny jeans. The grass is always greener on the other side isn't it? We are never happy with where we are. Even "skinny" girls have "skinnier" jeans that they wish they could wiggle into. What a horrible concept, "skinny" jeans. Ugh.

You can't pick up a woman's magazine these days without reading about skinny jeans. There is always some article on finding the perfect jeans, or a diet to help you fit into those elusive jeans, or some crazy way to shrink your butt enough to wear skinny jeans. We are so brainwashed on this topic. I guess the one point I do like about the concept of "skinny" jeans, is that it isn't focusing on weight, the actual number I mean. I think your size is a great way to gauge weight and weight loss. Sometimes striving for that "skinny" weight is crazy, when really you might fit into those "skinny" jeans at a higher weight than you though possible. The way your clothes fit is a great way to track your progress. That's mostly what I do now. Sure I do weigh myself. By the way, I've cracked the daily weighing habit, I'm now at about once every week or two. But I do follow how my clothes fit more closely. Thankfully my clothes have been getting too big (or not thankfully to my poor pocket book since I need new clothes). I pulled out a shirt that I had been wearing since this winter and I swear it's starting to look like a maternity top. And no, I don't mean my tummy is getting that big, I mean the shirt is way too volumnious.

The other day I was seaching my house high and low for my capri pants. I really hate capris, but it's summer, I'm hot, there is no alternative unless I want to melt into a pile a slimy goo by days end. Anyway, I just couldnt find them. Finally I called my mom and asked her if she knew where I put them (my mom lived with me for a bit, that's why she might know). She had to remind me that I gave all my summer shorts and capris away to the Good Will last year. I was like, "OMG why did I do that?" She pleasantly reminded me that they were all sized 26-30! Wow I had totally forgot that. I'm into a 22 nowadays, so it would be pretty hard to hold up those big pants now! But that really got me thinking, just a couple years ago, size 22 were my "skinny" jeans. Maybe I need to stop and reflect more on the progress I have made already and appreciate that I AM in my "skinny" jeans.

Read the last Mail Bag post

#93 - Overdeveloped Calf Muscles

2008-06-09T11:16:00.002-04:00

So I've been away for the past week on a business trip in San Francisco. Every day I find myself trudging around the massive convention center here, so much so that by the end of the day my poor legs and feet are aching. It takes a lot of work to carry around all this excess weight, doesn't it? All this work leads to excess muscle from carry such a heavy load. With summer upon us now I've been dipping into my shorts collection - yes I sometimes dare to bare my legs, though mostly at home for fear that little children will run screaming, shocked by my thunder thighs (of course it's not that bad - just my imagination). Part of the reason I'm so shy to show off my stems is overdeveloped calf muscles. From years of lugging around all this heavy fat, I've gained a ton of calf muscles. I'm sure skinny guys out there are jealous of my Popeye-like bulging calves, but to a woman, they are hideous! And as I lose weight I find that the muscles aren't going away. At least not fast enough. I suppose the one good thing about extra muscles is that muscle burns a lot more calories than fat. So I guess I'm happy I have muscular legs as opposed to fatty legs, but still. I'd prefer less Hulk-like muscles peaking out from under my capris. I know with time as the load of my fat diminishes, I'll lose that excess muscle. But in the mean time, I suppose all I can do is bitch about it.

So I'm getting to this point again, as I always do, where I stop losing weight but think I'm eating the right things. Sometimes I don't get it. I can have a really light eating day, but the weight won't budge. And deep down, I know why. If you've been following my blog you'll know I abhor exercise. I know, I know. It's the best thing for me, it will make me feel great, it will boost my metabolism, and it will help kick this plateau. Yeah sounds great... or not. My activation energy for starting an exercise program is SO high. It's like pulling teeth. I can think of every excuse in the book to avoid exercise. Why do we run from exercise (no pun intended)? I think for me it's the pain. I mean honestly, I feel like total shit when I start working out. Why would I choose to put myself through that? At least that's my usual excuse. I'm sure part of the problem is that I start out too hard. Don't we all? We think we need to work out everyday for like an hour, cause that's what the guidelines say you need to do to lose weight. And for some reason I think working out means you need to be breathless and red-faced (clearly NOT true, but somehow I've come to think this). You don't need to work out so hard that you give yourself a heart attack. Very light exercise can be incredibly beneficial at the start. And sometimes I think that I don't want my muscles to get ANY bigger, like I need more calf muscle!!! But cardio won't make you gain muscle, it's just going to help you burn calories and increase your metabolism.

But how can you ask a completely sedentary person that is 200, 250, 300, 350, 400+ pounds... to start working out 60 min a day? I know they say you should start out slow. But how slow is too slow? Can you gain benefit from 10 minutes of exercise a day? Experts say yes. Even starting that slow will help you over time. If nothing, it will help you build your endurance so that over time (and I mean a long time - like months/years) you may be able to work up to an hour a day. But I don't know why I get it stuck in my head that 10 min a day is worthless. I guess just another excuse to avoid exercise. Really though I suppose exercise doesn't need to be this painful thing we need to avoid. I mean can you walk around your house for 10 min? Can you walk to the mailbox? Do you walk through the mall? This is all exercise. We just need to do 10 min more than we normally do each day to see the benefits begin. Maybe after a week, 10 min will seem to easy. So up the walk to 15 min, then 20, then 30, then 45 or more. If you don't have that much time, is that your excuse, then up your pace instead. Were you walking turtle slow for 10 min? Try walking a little faster next time, but still for only 10 min. There are so many ways to incorporate exercise into our lives. We just don't do it.

I guess our default is to be lazy. But in all truth, exercise will give you more energy. I speak from experience. When I exercise, I'm more perky and energetic and the choice to exercise more seems so easy. It's just the starting. That's the hardest part. I'll be honest, I'm right there with you right now. I am not exercising right now. I'm tired all the time. I'm lethargic. Frankly, I'm lazy. And I KNOW, if I was exercising all of that will go away. But why oh why is it so hard to get over that first hurdle to choose to exercise. This conference I'm at right now has actually helped me see the light. I've been walking a TON everyday, way more than I ever do in my normal daily life. Sure at the end of the day I'm beat, but I've been sleeping better, I've actually felt more energy during the day, and it's making me think twice about grabbing for junk food (I always seem to crave healthy food when I exercise). I should really use this experience as a jumping off point for starting to exercise regularly again. I've already started walking more than I usually do, now I just need to keep it up. I really have no excuse either. I live right on the water, I have a great place to walk along the beach, I have a great boyfriend that loves to exercise, I have NO EXCUSE. OK you heard it here, I will start walking again. Wednesday when I get back from this trip, I will go for a walk. I'm making the pledge, will you? Can you get up and walk just 10 minutes today? At some point we just need to stop listening to that little voice inside our heads feeding us all those excuses and just do it. Get up and get those overdeveloped calf muscles working!

~~ Mail Bag ~~

2008-06-03T16:08:00.006-04:00

You know I get some really great comments and sometimes they really strike a cord within me. Today I got a great comment from Susan:

Susan's comment regarding post "#92 - Fat Acceptance Organizations"

... as for your advice about moving on, I'm going through a tough period myself at the moment and your words came at exactly the right time. Many people in your situation would have (re)turned to food for comfort - but you haven't! I admire you so much for that.

You are so right Susan. It's so easy to turn back to food to comfort us in times of need. But that is part of overcoming fatness - learning to find other ways to cope with life's hurdles that don't include food. I suppose a few years ago I would have made myself feel better with a box of Chips Ahoy, but now I find other ways. Of course, blogging helps. I'm a firm believer in talking out your problems. If you don't have someone in your life you can confide in and discuss all the crap life has thrown you, write a blog or journal. Even talking things out to yourself really helps. Hehe, honestly I can't tell you how many times I've worked things out in my head by myself... yes that means I do talk to myself. But what the hell, it's healthy, isn't it? Just get it out. Really it's about distraction. Find an outlet for release. For me it's talking and journaling, some like exercise (yeah just what I'm thinking too... yeah right... not for me), some watch TV, play the computer, talk on the phone, whatever... just know that eating isn't going to make your problems go away... it's not going to make you feel better... actually it will make you feel worse from the added guilt.

I think too many of us have bottled up life's problems and try to keep stuffing the feelings down by stuffing our faces. It really doesn't help. Sure, maybe for a half hour or hour after downing a bunch of junk food you feel fantastic. The seretonin (feel good neurotransmitter in the brain) rush you get from consuming massive quantities of carbs will temporarily take away the pain... I can't stress enough... temporarily! Then you start to come off your sugar high and crash and feel like crap all over again. How many of us have lived this over and over again? Feel bad, eat something to feel better, feel awesome for a bit, crash, feel bad, eat something to feel better, la la la la la. Over and over again, I lived this cycle, til finally it occurred to me it wasn't working. The food really wasn't making me feel ANY better.

So yes, I've had a really rough past few months. Did I turn to food ever? Sure, I'm human. But I never let it go too far. I don't let a little slip up, crumble all of my progress to the ground. With eating right, I NEVER tell myself I CAN'T have something... I'm like a rebellious kid... tell me I can't and of course that's all I want. So I let myself have whatever I want in moderation. And no, a whole bag of cookies is NOT moderation. But sure, I have to admit sometimes when I've been down and wanted a wee pick me up, I did turn to food. I'll tell you though, it's really hard not to fall into old habits. But I keep telling myself... Food will not take away the pain... EVER! And then I find something else to do, I move on, and I cope, sans food. And through all of this I have not gained weight... ok not entirely true... I went up five pounds... then right back down so I'm right where I was before all this. Actually I hopped on the scale yesterday and saw a number I hadn't seen in years... 249. So actually through all this I lost a pound. Ok maybe by some people's standards losing 1 pound in the past 8 months is terrible progress, well poo poo on you! Frankly I'm proud of the fact that I've just been able to maintain through all of this, and now I'm starting to lose again. I never set out on this journey thinking I was in a race. I never set a deadline for weight loss. I set a goal to lose and maintain... two things I've consistently done. For that I am proud.

So yes Susan, it's hard not to fall in our old patterns of coping during the rough stuff, but we need to make the choice. Life can be hard, painful, and sad. We just need to remind ourselves that there is something better out there for us. We won't always hurt, we won't always cry, we won't always struggle. I'm always telling myself, "what doesn't kill you, only makes you stronger." By now, with what life has thrown at me, I think I'm one tough broad. Life isn't all peaches and cream (no, that isn't a subliminal food message lol). There is only one person that can make you happy, and that is you. It's your choice. Happiness? Depression? You pick. But know, never ever will food help you in your quest for happiness.

Read the last ~*~ Mail Bag ~*~ post

#92 - Fat Acceptance Organizations: I Don't Want to be a Goddess!

2008-06-02T11:18:00.004-04:00

I know I'm always talking about having confidence. I think that is one of the most important things in weight loss, well life in general really. I think you need to really learn to love and accept yourself before you can make the kind of commitment needed to get yourself healthy. I mean, if you don't give a crap about yourself, why would you work so hard to improve your body? You wouldn't. And that's why there are so many sad, depressed, overweight people in the world. If you don't care, you don't try. It's easier to cope with life by filling whatever void you have with an endless supply of Tontino's Party Pizzas (yes I was once there). So feeling good mentally really is just as important as getting your body healthy. You can't have one without the other. I've talked about this time and time again, but I think it's a really important message that I can't stress enough.

On the other hand... I think some take their confidence a bit too far. I'm SURE I'm gonna get flack for what I'm about to say, but hey, if I think it, I gotta write it. I think a fat woman that can love herself is a very beautiful thing, but I think some women take it way to far. Have you heard of these Goddess organizations? Basically women that absolutely LOVE being fat. They have come to terms with the weight and have completely accepted it. They love their bodies and see no reason they should change. They have parties and special clubs for BBWs (Big Beautiful Women) and their admirers. While I applaud them for their self confidence, I just can't condone accepting your fat so much that you don't feel it's necessary to lose weight. I'm sorry but never will being 100+ pounds overweight be healthy. I don't care how much you exercise, you are still putting a huge strain on your heart, your endocrine system (your metabolic system basically) and your joints. The facts are the facts... fat people die a premature death due to complications from obesity related illnesses.

I read an interesting article on years of life lost due to obesity (Fontaine et al. 2003. JAMA 289:187-193). They give you some facts about the impact of obesity on our lives. If you are a 20-39 years old with a BMI 45 or over (imagine 5'6" and more than 280 pounds), you could lose as many as 12 years off your life just because you are fat. That's sad. Say you're 35, if your life expectancy is 80 (just guessing... like we ever really know) that would mean you have another 45 years of life left. If you lose 12 years, that's like losing almost 27% of your remaining life! I don't know about you, but I'd like to live those years. Is that Tontino's pizza really worth 27% of the rest of your life? Ok I digress...

Back to the topic... There is something else that really bugs me about these Goddess clubs and parties... it's the BBW admirers. I don't know why this bothers me so much. I suppose it's because I've always wanted men to love me for me and not my body. Seriously, what kind of relationship are you going to have with a man that only likes your body? Well, I'm sure it will be a physical one, but don't you want more? And men that go out of their way to exclusively date obese women? Hmmm... always sounded like some kind of fetish to me. I think it's fine to say, "I don't care if you're fat or thin or whatever, I'll just love you for you". But to only want fat chicks? Why? I've wondered if they were the kind of men with low self-esteems themselves, so they seek out women with even lower self-esteems so that they will never face rejection. Or are they controlling men that think they can tell a fat chick what to do since they have less self confidence are are more willing to please? Or is it something purely physical? I guess I should think back to early primative art and all the fertility statues with their full voluptuous bodies and bellies, the ultimate symbol for womanhood. Maybe it has something to do with that. I'm not sure. But all of it kinda weirds me out. I suppose I shouldn't judge, right? To each his own. So I suppose if there are fat admirers, I should say more power to you.

So I don't know. I guess I need to preface this by saying FOR ME, I just don't get these Goddess clubs and parties. Yes I'm fat, yes I'm confident, but no... I don't want to be fat for the rest of my life, I don't want to be a Goddess. For me, the current state of my body is a temporary phase. While I embrace who I am now, and love me for me; I love myself enough to know I need to change and to want to change to make myself the healthiest happiest person I can be.

Life update:

Thank you all for all of your kind words of support through these past difficult months. I've always been a firm believer in the idea that when one door closes another one opens up in your life. Burying my fiance was one of the saddest days of my life, a day I thought would take years to recover from. But things change, life moves forward, and we keep living everyday despite all the bumps in the road. I've always been a very positive person, always finding the positive message even in life's hiccups. With my fiance, I knew I had a purpose, perhaps even a predestined purpose, to help him through his last weeks in the hospital, to help him feel love and joy and happiness even through the most difficult time of his life.

After I returned from Greece, I spent a good month in shock. What would I do next? Would I ever find love again? Did I want to find love again? To distract myself, I went back to the computer and got back into Second Life (the online vitual world/game I've talked about in the past). I have a lot of friends in Second Life that were there to support me and help bring me back to reality. Isn't that ironic? I need virtual reality to get back to reality... Hehe. Anyway, I guess I'm a lover of life, because I just couldn't see myself wallowing a pool of despression the rest of my life; I knew I had to move on. So I started dating again. I know, some of you may think, "Already? she's dating already? It's too soon!!" It just didn't feel too soon for me. I think people deal with grief in many ways. And with Vagelis, I felt I had 6 weeks in the hospital with him to say goodbye and deal with the loss. I had to move forward, and for me that meant dating again. In the hospital Vagelis told me he always wanted me to be happy, and if he couldn't bring me happiness he knew someone would because I deserved to be happy. I felt like I had his blessing to move on, maybe he even nudged me in that direction from above.

As soon as I got back online, almost instantly, I met someone. From the minute Chris and I started talking we hit it off. I was shocked I was so comfortable with him. We had tons in common and loved chatting away. Honestly, I had never felt a connection like this before in my life. Life opened another door... our online friendship quickly turned into an online romance and then a real life romance. Chris and I both seem to have the same goals in life, the same way of life, and the same love of life. This may come as a shock to you, but Chris and I moved in together, and it's been the happiest time since. Just when I thought life had beaten me down and left me for dead, something amazing happened. In all the loss and tragedy, I found love again. But I don't want to down play what Vagelis and I had. I truly loved Vagelis, but it was just not meant to be. Our time was short, but he will be with me always. I've felt bad for Chris actually. I don't ever want him to feel like I've just replaced Vagelis with him. I didn't. Chris came out of nowhere and swept me off my feet with the kind love and friendship I'd never known before.

With love there is no right time, no right place... it just happens. I just feel like one of the luckiest women in the world. I've found not one but two wonderful loves in my lifetime. For this I am blessed.

You have all stayed with me and listened to me through the great times and the bad times. So you know I always have a piece of advice. Look at my life, just when you think things can't get any worse, know that there are opportunities around the corner. Things can get better. The reason I say "can" and not "will" is because it is a choice. I could have stayed depressed and given up on life, but I didn't. I moved forward, I accepted the loss, I smiled again. Things can get better, but you need to make it happen. If life slams a door shut in your face, wipe away your tears, smile and turn around and look for another door to open.

#91 - Not feeling comfortable in my own skin

2008-04-19T20:44:00.000-04:00

It’s so sad, there once was a time in my life when I was so comfortable with myself. I never thought about what others were thinking about me, I wasn’t plagued with thoughts of self-doubt, I didn’t hide in the shadows hoping people wouldn’t take a notice of me. Frankly, I was pretty happy-go-lucky plodding along in my existence not paying attention to these kinds of things. But when I’m fat I am so utterly uncomfortable in my own skin, it’s almost painful… we’ll I guess it really is painful.. emotionally at least. And no, being comfortable in my own skin doesn’t mean I need to be a size 2 or anything. I was quite comfortable even at heavy times when I was taking really good care of my self like exercising, eating right, and taking vitamins, despite still being heavy. I guess that’s what it’s really about though, isn’t it? It’s not the physical reason of being fat that makes us uncomfortable.. it’s the mental and emotional reasons behind the fat that make us miserable. And when I’m doing the right thing for my body (the working out and healthy eating) I really do start to feel great about myself again. It ties all into that mind body connection. Take care of the body and your mind starts to feel great! We all got fat for some reason, and for most of us it was emotional. I’ve always said you need to get your mind into a better state to really tackle weight loss, but maybe that isn’t the best approach after all. How can you get into a happy place when your body is just wearing you down and weighing you down.. physically and emotionally? I think starting to eat right and exercise is key no matter how fat, how depressed, how miserable you are. Over time, something magical starts to happen in your brain… maybe a few happy endorphins from the exercise, less blood sugar and mood crashes by eating better, and hell.. you start to lose a little weight.. the clothes get a little loose.. damn, if that doesn’t shoot you through the roof I don’t what will. Guess it’s all about a step by step process… and the first steps are by far the hardest, but you just have to do it. It’s really a feedback loop in your body… fat, sad, and depressed now… work at it… get a little less fat, sad, and depressed… work at it more… gets a little easier… even less fat, sad and depressed… and it just keeps snowballing. But it’s the starting that’s key. There will never be a “best time” to get healthy. You WILL feel like crap when you start. I had hit my rock bottom when I started this weight loss journey. I just couldn’t stand being in my own skin anymore. You know, even though I’ve lost 65 pounds, I’m looking better, feeling better; I’m still not comfortable in my own skin. Yes it’s getting better, but I’m not there yet. I just have to keep plugging away, not beat myself up when I have set backs, and always look to the future. Because I know, one day I’m going to wake up and not even think about all this stuff anymore. Someday I’ll just be comfortable and content with me. I know that day is coming and I can’t wait for it!

I'm back, I'm alive, I'm ok

2008-04-05T15:24:00.002-04:00

Hey guys! I just wanted to drop a little note to tell you that I am here and I am ok. I'll get back to posting soon again. The events of the past few months were very jarring on my life and I didn't think I could write humorously for a while. But life has a way of repairing itself and even the few months that have just past have been good ones for me. So stay tuned! I will write again!!

A Modern Greek Tragedy

2008-01-22T11:57:00.000-05:00

I wanted to update everyone about the situation and tell you the whole story. It's a bit of a long story. 9 months ago I started dating a wonderful man, Vagelis. Instantly we had an amazing connection, soul mates if you believe in that sort of thing. Our relationship was a bit strained as he lived in Athens Greece and me in Connecticut, but we were able to make due by talking on a free internet phone for more than 8 hours a day. Our lives became completely intertwined despite the distance. You may have known that in October I traveled to Greece to be with him for a month. During that time he asked me to marry him and everything seemed so perfect, that kind of 'pinch me I must be dreaming' kind of perfect. We had both been single for many years and were not sure if we would ever find true love. We both said that our month together was the happiest month of either of our lives. I then returned to the states with plans for him to join me in the US soon. But our plans changed suddenly. After returning home for only a few weeks on December 13th I was notified that Vagelis was in a serious motorcycle accident. Vagelis sustained a serious injury during the accident, breaking the 5th vertebrae in his neck causing him to be paralyzed from the shoulders down. Immediately I rushed to his side in Greece to help him in the hospital during this difficult time. Unfortunately, after surgery to repair the broken bone in his neck, he contracted pneumonia. We believed he was beginning to recover from both the neck injury and the pneumonia, but very tragically his pneumonia turned to sepsis then finally septic shock. His body was unable to fight the infection and he went into a condition called multi organ failure. After one week in the ICU his heart finally stopped. Vagelis passed away at 9:55pm January 18th 2008. My heart is utterly broken. I have lost not only my love but my best friend. I am remaining in Greece for another week to help his brothers begin to sort through Vagelis' things. It is times like these that you realize life is so fragile and so precious. We must truly enjoy the moments we have here on Earth for they may be our last. I hate to be the armchair philosopher, but please heed my words: live your life full of love and happiness, do not waste your time with anger and hate, follow your dreams, and take the time to be kind to the strangers around you for they may return the favor someday, and never ever take anything or anyone for granted. I wish you all a lifetime of beautiful memories.

Jenny

Emergency Update

2008-01-05T03:23:00.000-05:00

Again I have to apologize for not posting in some time. I find myself back in Greece already, although this time not under happy circumstances. I have had a serious family emergency that I'm dealing with right now. My fiance (who lives in Greece) was in a serious auto accident and broke his neck. Of course I rushed to his side to help in anyway I can because right now he is paralyzed. I think I'm still in shock about the whole thing. Currently he is still in the hospital, but relatively stable. The injury was the best type we could hope for (if that makes sense). He didn't sever any nerves, there is no bleeding or fluid in the spinal cord, it was a compression injury meaning his spinal cord got a little squeeze during the trauma. But now we wait, wait to see what will happen, to see if he can regain the function of his arms and legs. In the next week or so he will transfer over to a rehab facility to start physical therapy, I think then we'll know more about the prognosis, but the doctors are optimistic. But with this type of injury it's kind of a 50/50 split: he might recover, he might not. Only time will tell. And with spinal injuries, it takes A LOT of time.

During this hard time it has got me to thinking about strength. In my day to day life I'm always complaining about feeling tired or sick or some dumb complaint. I never seem to have the energy to do anything. I'm always saying, "I can't do it", or "It's too hard", or "I don't know if I'll make it." But now, in dealing with all of this, I seem to have found endless energy. Where does this energy come from? Why don't I have this energy in my everyday life? I guess it's all about adrenaline. In times of extreme need we find strength we never knew we had. It just makes me realize I am strong and I can accomplish anything I set my mind to in my daily life. And during such a serious crisis it really makes you see what's important, and all those little things we worry about seem to melt away.

Another thing I've been contending with is food during this time. Of course when I'm stressed all I want to do is reach for comfort food. I really need those serotonin releasing carbs right now! The hard thing is that it's really hard to eat well when you spend a lot of time at the hospital. I find I grab any junk in site to keep me fueled after 14 hours in the hospital. But I know I need to eat real food to keep me going in the long run. It's impossible to run on Cheetos all day long! Luckily the hospital has a nice store that sells great sandwiches so I've been living on those for the past two weeks. On the other hand, I've thrown my weight watching out the window right now. Of course I don't want to gain weight, but it's really not a priority or concern right now. And actually I'm running around so much that it's probably impossible NOT to lose weight at this point no matter what I eat. I noticed in the past couple weeks my jeans are getting looser and looser. So I guess that's a good thing, but again, right now it doesn't seem important.

I guess sometimes it takes a real crisis for us to access our lives, to make us see how strong we are. It makes all of my shallow thoughts about weight seem so dumb (you know what I mean - worrying about what other people think of my butt and things like that). The most important reason to lose weight is for health, period! I want to lead a healthy long life, and the only way to do that is by losing weight. And remember we do have strength, all of us! Sometimes it takes an emergency to really see it, but it's there. So whatever your challenge, remember that you too have the strength to deal with it. You just need to believe in it, believe that you have the strength and energy to keep going.

So let me close this post in saying, if you believe in it, please say a little prayer for us. We need as much positive energy flowing our way as we can to get during this difficult time!

~~ Mail Bag ~~

2007-12-14T20:02:00.000-05:00

I got some great questions the other day so I thought I'd post the questions with my answers. I know they are questions on a lot of your minds.

Lisa asked: "a few things i was wondering is how long it took for you to see some physical kind of result from diet/exercise? and in the first few weeks of starting how much weight was lost? and also how long did it take for you to lose a dress size?"

-How long it took for you to see some physical kind of result from diet/exercise?

Ugh! This question is tough. My best answer - a while. LOL. But seriously, after about 30 pounds I was really starting to see and feel a difference (remember I was 315 pounds so it took a lot of loss to see the difference). Now it seems with every 10-15 pounds I can see changes. But honestly, even with a couple a pound loss I see little changes like my double chin doesn't look so big and puffy.

-And in the first few weeks of starting how much weight was lost?

I have been losing SLOW. I've only made gradual changes, so the weight loss is gradual. Even in the beginning I only lost about 5 pounds the first week I think, then it slowed to the current rate of 0.5-1 pound lost per week. It's been
pretty steady at this pace.

-And also how long did it take for you to lose a dress size?

I've been tracking jeans size. I started at a TIGHT 28. Quickly - after about 20 pounds lost - I went to a 26, another 20 pounds to a 24, and now (25 more lost) I'm sitting at a 22. So I went from a 28 to a 22 in 65 pounds. That's pretty slow. Don't expect to see the sizes change too fast. I keep thinking, "I'm almost in a 20, I'm almost in a 20"; but I've been saying that for a couple months now. LOL. Time, time, time; it takes time!

My advice for you is to focus on exercise if losing dress sizes is your focus. I hear great stories from people about how they tighten up really quick and lose dress sizes with exercise. I must say I hate exercise and avoid it like the plague. But I know I'd be A LOT more successful if I worked out more. That's my new years resolution - exercise! (Isn't that my new years resolution every year? yes it is!)

And please don't diet like crazy, and do drastic things. Everything in moderation is key. I think telling yourself you CANNOT have something is the worst thing to do. It just makes you want it more. Tell yourself you can have what ever you want... but just a little. Just try to cut out the junk from your diet - cakes, cookies, sweet are my absolute downfall.

But my best advice is just to keep at it. Results WILL come if you work at it long term. You wont lose the weight in a day, a week, or a month. It takes time! But DONT give up!!! You can do it! I can do it! We can do it. Better yet... we WILL do it!

Read the last Mail Bag question

#90 - Double chins!

2007-12-05T10:08:00.000-05:00

OK, OK, it's another one of my shallow posts, one of those physical appearance reasons why I hate being fat. But hey, it bothers me so I gotta write about it! I hate that being fat gives me a double chin. I hate that flabby loose skin that just hangs around my neck. So not only do I have one chubby chin but two!! Why, I ask you, why? When I was young, I used to have this long slender neck. No more!! It's two chins for me now! I've been talking on my webcam a lot lately (my honey lives far away, so it's the best way to communicate with him right now), and I've been noticing my double chin a lot. Of course it doesn't help that the camera adds 10 pounds... or two chins. Every once in a while I catch site of my chin in the webcam image and tilt my head a little or change positions just to improve the look of my chin. Isn't that silly? The crazy things we do!

Speaking of crazy. Are you like me? Do you do this? I find that I am totally self-conscious when getting my picture taken. I don't worry about my hair or my clothes or my makeup... it's all about how I can position my head to minimize the double chin! And OMG last year I had to renew my driver's license so it meant another trip to the DMV to get that dreaded snapshot taken. I practiced in the mirror and found the best head position and headed off to the DMV. The DMV lady got me all set up for the picture and said I should move more this way, turn this way, put your chin more down... more down? Crap that was exactly what I didn't want to do. I hate pictures where I'm looking down because my chin appears absolutely ginormous. So anyway, I put my chin down *frown*, and she snapped the picture. I took one look at my picture and wanted to cry. You mean I have to spend the next 5 years with this picture? Can I get a new picture taken? Of course it also doesn't help that the pic was taken at my highest weight - ouch! I know people get new licenses when they lose theirs, can I get a new one cause I look too fat? Or do I just pretend to lose it? Hmm... that's an idea. Then a friend told me that they save the digital pictures and just reissue a new one. Bummer! I guess I'll have to look at my two chins for the next 5 years. The one upside is that when I went to get my international drivers license at AAA, the lady behind the counter looked at my license and said, "Wow, you've lost a lot of weight!" That sure made me feel great! It does make me wonder though, is there some point where you should request that a new picture be taken because you look SO different than the original picture? Honestly I don't think I'll fall into that category. I still look like me in the photo, just fat. I suppose my license will just be a reminder to me for the next 5 years of all the hard work I've done with weight loss and that I never want to look like that again.

One thing I think about though is that as I lose weight, I might never fully get rid of the extra chin. Sure I might lose all my excess weight, but age and stretched skin could be a problem. I might go from having a double chin to having a turkey neck. Gobble, gobble. What's worse? Hmmm... Double chin! At least with a turkey neck you can have plastic surgery to fix it (not that I plan to have plastic surgery, but at least the option is there). I've seen these infomercials that advertise exercises to tighten up the skin under your chin. Maybe I need to start working out my chin! But do those things really work? I don't know. I guess I just need to be happy with what Mother Nature gave me. I suppose I should just look at my double chin as a temporary imperfection that will improve with time. And you know, with winter coming, I guess the double chin will help me out and keep my neck warm all winter long! And hopefully, like a hibernating bear, I'll be able to lose the excess fat and chin by summer!

#89 - Afraid to go to high school reunions

2007-12-01T09:33:00.000-05:00

I was talking with a friend the other day, and high school reunions were mentioned It made me think about my own lack of attendance to any of my reunions. This past summer was my 15th high school reunion, but I made absolutely NO plans to attend. I actually would love to go see people from high school, see what's become of everyone, but honestly I'm totally afraid. I still fear what those people think of me. Isn't that ridiculous? When I graduated high school I was 195 pounds, no skinny mini, but not very fat either, just pleasantly plump. But now... I am really scared to let those people see me. Sure I've lost a bunch of weight now (I'm only [haha...ONLY] 50 pounds away from my high school size), but I still don't want them to see me like I am. I guess I was hoping, like I'm sure EVERYONE does, to go back to my high school reunion with the perfect hard body, and wow them all and make the popular kids envy me.

LOL popular kids... Isn't that silly? I am 33 for God's sake and I'm still worried about what the popular kids think of me. You would think we'd out-grow all that silliness, but I guess not. I guess no matter what age we are we just want to fit in and be liked. I always wonder what made those kids the "popular" kids anyway. Was it looks? I don't think so. I was leafing through my high school alumni newspaper the other day, looking at pictures of the homecoming king and queen. The thing that was striking to me was that the "popular" kids that I saw in the pictures were not amazingly attractive or anything. Just average. In fact, some looked kind of unattractive. So good looks isn't the way to popularity. The one trait I do remember all the popular kids having was an amazing amount of confidence. It just bubbled out of them. They were people magnets, everyone wanting in on a piece of their confidence.

You know, that is what really attracts us to people and makes us want to be friends with someone. Confidence. It really can take you far. With a healthy dose of confidence we feel like we can accomplish ANYTHING! Hell, I think this time around it's confidence that has gotten me so far with my weight loss. Every time I thought I was gonna quit, I would just say to myself "you can do it!", and then I did, I stuck to it. I think for many of us this is a constant struggle, to feel confident. Low self-esteem probably made us use food as a tool to cope with life in the first place. The only way to get out of that vicious cycle of feeling bad and eating more is to reverse it - get confident. Don't feel confident? Fake it. I think if you tell yourself you are confident enough, the confidence will follow. Sometimes when I'm feeling really self-conscious, I just remind myself of something great I've done. That shuts my inner demons right up. The little voice that tells me "you suck" is replaced with the other voice that says "na uh, you rock!". We all need to give ourselves little pep talks now and again. I know I sure do!

So maybe I need to practice a bit of what I preach. I guess I need to suck it up, be confident, and in 5 years promise myself to go to my 20th high school reunion no matter what I weigh. And honestly, what do I have to fear? Some of those popular kids have probably put on a few pounds. Heck, they might even be fat now too! I can't keep hiding behind the excuse of being fat as a reason not to go to my reunions. I just have to remind myself that if I am confident, warm and friendly, people WILL like me no matter what size I am! Who knows, maybe 20 years later I'll be one of the popular kids!

#88 - I don't want to become the crazy cat lady!

2007-11-29T05:32:00.000-05:00

I'm back after my long vacation! Hope you enjoy the post!!!

So... The crazy cat lady... You know who I mean. Those women that become so obsessed with their cats. No, not one or two cats, but three, four, five... or twelve cats. I honestly had this fear that being fat was going to keep me alone for the rest of my life, leaving me with cats as my only companions. Every once in a while I get a glimpse of the crazy cat lady inside me. Let me ask you this... Are you guilty of spending more on cat toys and cat food than you spend on yourself? Are the only pictures you take of your cats? When people talk to you, do you find yourself always talking about something so funny your cat did the other day? Be careful... If you answered yes to any of these questions, you may be becoming a crazy cat lady!

I was uploading some old photos off my camera the other day and found that most, ok ALL, of the pics were of my cats! And no, it wasn't one or two pics, it was 45! What is that? Why on Earth did I feel the need to take 45 pictures of my cats? Well I suppose part of my excuse is that cat photography isn't the easiest thing. Your cat does something cute, you line up the shot, *snap*, and they move... So then you need to take another then another then another. You get the idea. I found that a lot of my pictures were strange blurred and out of focus action shots of my cats acting crazy. But still... Why do I need to take pictures of my cats so much? Answer? Well, maybe I am becoming a crazy cat lady lol.

Well maybe not too crazy yet, because I only have two cats. And I would not want any more cats in a house my size. I definitely won't become that lady down the block that takes in all the stray cats. NEVER! So I guess I have a limit. I guess I won't become that super crazy cat lady... maybe just a little crazy. It is funny though, when I go out with friends they talk about their jobs, their kids, their hobbies... I talk about my cats. OK sure I talk about other stuff, but still, it's a lot of cat talk. And I swear, I talk about the cats like they are my kids or something! "Guess what James did the other day that was so cute..." "Hazel is so smart, you should see what she does..." These are the kinds of conversations I have with people. I know, it's strange. But in the past it was all that I had. My fat kept me from meeting new people and going out into the world and doing things. So what did I do? I sat at home with my cats.

I really don't have that fear anymore, the fear of becoming the crazy cat lady. I don't talk about this much in my posts (cause I want to keep my private life private), but I've been seeing someone for the past 7 months now. As I've been losing weight my confidence has gone through the roof. I've gotten out there and started meeting people again, started living again. I met an absolutely WONDERFUL man. He loves me for me. It's so great to meet someone that sees the real me! He fills up my life now so I don't find myself talking about my cats so much. My poor cats were so accustomed to massive amounts of attention from me, but I fear they will just have to get used to less attention. And pictures? Well let's just say my camera is now full of pictures of my man and not of cats. Definitely a step in the right direction away from the doomed path of the cat lady.

So weight... update time!!! How am I doing? Well... I've been in Greece for a month! Give me a little slack! OK it's not that bad. I managed to maintain my weight loss in Greece. I didn't lose, I didn't gain. Actually when I first got to Greece I noticed right away I lost some weight, probably from an increase in exercise. All my clothes were looser and I felt lighter. But then I discovered Kinder Bueno, Kinder Delice, Sokofreta, Caprice, and, and, and... Basically all the yummy junk food Greece had to offer. Of course I loved the feta, the Greek salads, souvlakis (gyros), and baklavas too. So I put those few lost pounds back on. I just told myself to enjoy Greece and worry about the scale later. One thing I did though was to make sure that I didn't over eat. I just ate until I was satisfied. No pigging out! I think that definitely made a difference. You can still enjoy ANY food you like, just don't binge on it! But when all was said and done... I hopped on the scale the day after I got back to the states... and saw the exact same number I had seen when I left - 250. So there you have it.

Unfortunately a few days after I got back was Thanksgiving, the day Americans worship food. I was a bit bad. I ate what I liked - no diet foods or anything - but instead of stopping when I tummy said "no more", I took a deep breath and kept going. Big mistake! So this week I'm recovering a bit from a couple pound backlash. No serious damage, I just need to work out a little harder to rid myself of this holiday weight. Note to self: in the future say no to seconds!!!

Update: #85 - Traveling

2007-11-12T07:09:00.000-05:00

I'm here, I'm here, I swear I'm here! I know it has been AGES since I posted! I'm still away in Greece on my long awaited vacation. I'm having the time of my life!!! Unfortunately, I have very limited internet access, hence my long absence.

I wanted to post a little bit about my trip and an update of reason #85 why I hate being fat. A few posts ago I wrote about the pains of traveling while being fat. Like traveling isn't bad enough, add a few pounds and traveling can be a nightmare! So before I left for this trip I was down 65 pounds from my all time high weight. Traveling at 315 was terrible! I couldn't fit well in airplane seats, the seat belts didn't fit. I felt cramped and uncomfortable and down right embarrassed. So I sucked up my pride and boarded the first plane I had flown in the past three years, and damn, I was surprised. To my utter amazement I fit comfortably in the airplane seat. Hum... a fluke? Did I happen to get the biggest seat on the plane that was roomier than the others? Probably not. I grabbed the seat belt and sucked my gut in. Again to my surprise the seat belt fit... not only fit, it was loose and needed tightening. Are you kidding me? Wow. Later in the flight the drinks and dinner came. Oh great I thought, now I have to deal with a tray table that doesn't open all the way cause my fat gut and thighs get in the way. I lowered the tray table and gasped a bit. It opened all the way with room to spare. Really? Wow again. I comfortably ate my sucky airplane food, beaming with amazement. I even managed to keep any food from falling onto my chest (a past hazard of having big big boobs). This is just a sample of my experiences on this trip. So far I have yet to find an instance where traveling was any harder for me than the average sized Joe. Don't get me wrong - I'm still fat at 250 - but it's just not as bad as it has been. This trip is really making me realize how far I've come and how you can feel truly better even shedding a few pounds.

There was also some discussion in previous posts about how accepting the Greeks are of fat people. I was a bit apprehensive. Well let me tell you... the Greeks are fat too. I walk around and see plenty of people that look just like me. I really don't feel out of place at all here. I am treated NO different here than I am in the states. Sure I get an occasional look that I'm sure is fat related, but I got those at home too, so no surprise. If anything I'm finding the Greek people much more friendly and warm than people at home, but maybe that's because I live on the East Coast where people are notorious for being a bit crabby and cool. I'm really loving the Greek way of life. I could learn a thing or two from the Greeks. Everyone walks a lot and eats pretty healthy, favoring fresh foods over anything processed. It's really making me rethink my cooking style and food choices. Honestly I could easily see myself living here in Greece quite happily. I love it. I love it so much, I actually extended my trip. I just can't leave Greece! Well not yet at least. Unfortunately real life calls and I need to get back to work. :(

But anyway, soon enough I'll be home and resume my regular posting. No worries, karaokekitty still has a lot to say about being fat!

#87 - Celebrity Weight Loss Shows

2007-10-13T07:35:00.000-04:00

I love them! I hate them! You know the shows, like VH1's Celebrity Fit Club or NBC's Biggest Loser, and a host of others. Honestly I do love to watch these shows. Something about watching these shows makes me feel better about myself. What is it? Is it because I see people even worse off than me and that makes my life not seem so bad? Is it because I take pleasure in others misery? Or is it just because it feels good to see people in the same situation as me, thereby making me feel not so alone? I don't know. But I do like to watch them. At the same time, I TOTALLY hate these shows! The biggest reason I hate these shows is that it perpetuates the myth that get-thin-quick schemes work and are healthy. I think most doctors would agree that losing 20 or 30 pounds in a week is NOT healthy! The thing I have taken from the vast number of diet and healthy eating programs I have been on is the idea that you should be losing about 1-2 pounds a week for healthy weight loss. Studies have shown that the faster you lose, the easier it is for your body to regain the weight. Sure, we all want to be thin TOMORROW, but it didn't take a day, a week, or a month to gain all this weight, it took years! I have been losing weight at a slow healthy pace (65 pounds in about a year, a little over a pound a week), and at this pace it seems easy to maintain. I guess you give your body time to catch up with the idea of being thin or something. I suppose it's physical and psychological: you shrink both your physical stomach and your psychological cravings at this pace. But 30 pounds in a week??? I would imagine these people need EXTREME self discipline to maintain their loses. I would imagine they have to fight serious cravings to keep the weight off. At the pace I'm losing, I really don't fight any intense cravings at all. Sure we all have cravings... like I HAD to have a caramel filled Ghirardelli candy last night, heehee. But everyone has these kind of food-specific cravings from time to time, even really skinny people! When I have lost weight very fast in the past (like when I was on Phen-Fen or when I had the gastric band) I fought intense physical cravings for food and struggled with huge loss issues about not being about to eat much at a time. I don't know. This time it just seems a lot easier, and I am attributing it to losing so slowly. I just don't feel deprived and I don't miss the massive quantities of food.

OK back to the subject: weight loss shows. Why have these shoes become such a phenomenon? I suppose it is just another topic that fascinates us in the long line of reality-based programming we all seem glued to. I suppose it does have something to do with the fact that we love to see other people in our same situation, we can relate. Some studies have shown that as many as 120 million Americans are overweight (maybe even more!). That's over 65 percent of Americans!!! And I think the rest of world is not far behind us! So I guess watching these fat shows seems very familiar to us. We like to see other people like us on TV.

The one good thing going for these shows is that they are doing it through diet and exercise, showing us that it CAN be done without pills or surgery. That I like! When I had to have my gastric band removed (due to an allergy) my surgeon wanted me to convert to the gastric bypass. I told her adamantly that I was going to do it on my own. She just shook her head and said with a chuckle, good luck. She just keep forcing the idea down my throat that 98% of people who lose weight by diet and exercise, gain it all back. Well, I don't know how accurate her statistics are, or if that was some scare tactic she uses, but I know people who have done it successfully, and I was going to be one of them too no matter what she said. And shows like this show us that it is possible. I like how they come back to the people from previous seasons to show how they are doing, and it's great to see that some of them have kept off the weight and have even gotten healthier and more fit! So I guess these celebrity weight loss shows are OK as long as you watch them knowing that you probably wont be able to (or want to) lose weight that fast and that the best way to do it is with good old-fashioned diet and exercise. It's not an easy battle, but we can all do it!!!

#86 - My big butt!

2007-10-09T07:22:00.000-04:00

OK sometimes I have posts that are very emotional and sad, some are deep and thought provoking, some are even serious and candid. But sometimes I have to be shallow. Today is one of those days! Sure we all know the emotional hardships of being fat, but sometimes it's the little things (OK maybe not so little haha) that really bother us. So the question on my mind lately is, where on Earth did I get this big ass? I suppose we just don't notice it as our butts get bigger and bigger cause frankly we don't look at ourselves from the back very often. When I look at pictures now of myself at 315 I think, OMG look at that bubble butt! Luckily it is getting smaller and smaller. *Phew* But still... It bothers me. I hate that when I sit in a chair next to someone, I seem really tall cause my ass acts like my own personal booster seat. And I'm not tall, nor do I have a super long torso, so that's not it. It's got to be my big butt. I hate that! I also hate that I forget how big my butt is sometimes and I find myself running into things with it. I was just shopping the other day, thought I could navigate through some clothes racks, but ended up knocking a bunch of stuff down cause of my ass. Grrr. How embarrassing! I suppose we always underestimate our size. Right? Isn't that how we got so fat in the first place? We just didn't realize it as it happened, then wham-o fatness! But don't get me wrong, I do appreciate nice curves. I'm not looking to achieve some tiny ass someday, I know that's not in the cards. But I would love to have a nice little J Lo butt someday, just the right amount of sexy curves without being too big.

Speaking of smaller asses, wow I was excited the other day. I've been holding at a size 22 for a bit now. But lately I noticed my jeans are looking like I have a saggy ass, you know, a bit too loose. So I pulled out my favorite size 20 jeans from when I was thinner. I slipped them on, and zipped them right up. WOW! OK they weren't pretty! Too tight still (my big ass!), but still... I could zip them up no problem. Woo hoo, I think a size 20 is just around the corner, maybe in another 5-10 pounds. Yay J Lo butt here I come!

~~ Mail Bag ~~

2007-10-07T20:27:00.000-04:00

I sometimes get some really interesting questions from you guys in my email. I don't really have any kind of formal forum here (say that 10 times fast lol), so they never get addressed in public and you never get to see what everyone has on their minds. Well no more! I decided to add a little feature I'm calling "Mail Bag" to my posts. A place where I will answer some of your questions that I deem interesting for the public eye. So one question came up recently that I thought was maybe on a lot of your minds. Recently I added a "STATS" section on the right-hand side of my blog. You know, height, weight, starting, current, goals, etc... Anyway, here's the question I got and my response:

Hi there,

I've been following your blog for a while now (I've read all your entries) and really really like it.

I was just wondering, at your goal weight your BMI will be 29, which is at the extreme end of the "overweight" range.

If that's where you plan to stop losing weight, won't you still be "fat"? Therefore, shouldn't your target BMI be 18.5 to 24.9?

Regards,
Sonia

*****

You are absolutely right Sonia. I started out in the "super obese" category, I'm now in the "obese" category and my goal is in the "overweight" category. BMI is just a loose reference for weight, not taking body structure (i.e. frame size) into account. It really is a good guideline for people to follow, and yes, I think most people should shoot for those healthy goals. But I've had two doctors tell me that based on my frame size my "ideal" weight should be 160, a BMI of 25.8, just over the "normal" range. I really do have big bones, and no that's not an excuse lol. In a perfect world I will reach 160 someday. But to start, I thought 180 seemed more reasonable. I'm not shooting for perfection, just a healthier happier me. I weighed 180 for several years and was very very happy at that weight. So that was a big part of the reasoning for picking 180. But yes, technically I will still be overweight. But... 20 pounds overweight is MUCH better than 50 or 100 or even 155 over weight (like when I was 315). Besides, at 180 I have a lot more junk in my trunk (i.e. sexy curves). :) And also, 180 is just a first goal. Once I get there I will reassess my goals. Maybe I'll be perfectly happy at 180, maybe I'll feel I need to lose a few more pounds, or maybe I'll need to lose a lot more... I'll have to wait and see. Honestly 180 is really a second goal. My first goal is to get under 200. :)

Cheers,
karaokekitty

You guys know I LOVE to get comments. Well I love to get email even more! Send me your questions. What's on your mind? You gotta question? I got an answer! Well... maybe not a good answer, but an answer none the less. So drop me a line in my email box sometime. You can find my email address in my profile. I look forward to your questions!

#85 - Traveling!

2007-10-05T14:23:00.000-04:00

Whenever I travel I am always reminded how much I truly hate being fat! I'm getting ready to take a big trip to Greece, my gift to myself for finishing my PhD. All this travel prep has reminded me of the horrors of traveling as a fat person, and I'm dreading the travel part. I hate so many aspects of traveling when I'm fat. Sure it sucks to travel for everyone, waiting in lines, being on cramped airplanes, dealing with lame customer service, it all sucks. But being fat adds a whole other dimension for despising travel. I already talked about airplane seats in an earlier post, I swear the planes nowadays are built for women 5'2" and 100 pounds. Don't you think? Everyone complains about the airplane seats though. Men are too tall and get their knees smashed, and anyone with a little extra padding (pretty much the entire population) is cramped like sardines. It sucks! So I'm definitely not looking forward to my 11 hours in the airplane. OMG 11 hours? Crap. Every time I check in at the airline counter I worry that this will be the time they make me buy an extra seat cause I'm too fat. Probably silly to think this, but you know, I think it anyway. So you want to hear more irrational paranoia? I searched and searched and finally found a really nice hotel near the water in Athens. I looked at some photos of the place online and it looks great! It should be perfect! But what am I thinking about? One, I wonder if the bed will be strong enough to hold me. Stupid I know. And two, I wonder if I will fit in the bathtub. Again, stupid. It's not like I'm 315 pounds anymore. Now I'm the size of a big guy. Of course the bed and tub will be just fine, but my stupid brain thinks these things. All this physical stuff sucks when you are fat when you travel: seats, beds, tubs, cars, etc. But another thing I hate about being a fat traveler has to do with foreign impressions. I am not looking forward to being seen as the stereotypical fat American. I find that a lot of people from other countries view all Americans as a) rich, b) fat, c) lazy, and d) stupid. I'm not rich, I'm not lazy (well I try at least), I'm definitely not stupid, but I hate that people's first impression of me is the fat American. It bothers me. I hate being pigeonholed into a stereotype.

I think many of the reasons I hate being fat here at home are completely amplified when traveling. I think we're already a bit on edge when traveling. Will I miss my flight? Do I have enough money for that? How do I say X in Y language? OMG do they all drive like this cabbie? But on top of all that stress I'm even more stressed about people's impressions of me. All those questions I ask myself daily like, do I look fat? is that person staring at me cause I'm fat? will I fit in that seat? are even worse when I travel. I think I just get more sensitive when I travel. I will have to try desperately hard to stifle all of that self conscious crap when I go on this trip. We go on trips to have fun! We shouldn't be bothered with all the pains of being fat on top of it.

It's funny, but the last time I traveled to Europe I was exactly the same weight I am now, 250. I spent a month touring many countries in Europe, and I had a blast. Many times I was so excited about everything I was seeing and learning that I often forgot about being fat. I guess I not only took a vacation from home, but also from my self consciousness. It was kind of a mental vacation too. I really tried not to let things get to me as much. And if I did experience something negative (like evil stares from the locals), I would just convince myself it was because I was American and had nothing to do with being fat. I want my trip to Greece to be as wonderful. This is a reward for all my hard work. I just need to remember the great time I had in Europe before. My weight was never an issue on the whole trip as far as I can remember, and I'm sure it won't be issue again. Any problems I run into with weight are going to be problems all in my head I'm sure. I know that if I take good care of myself on the trip (the girly stuff), keep my head held high (confidence, confidence, confidence), and remind myself of how far I've come (65 pounds lost, woo hoo!), I know that I will have the time of my life!

#84 - Specialized Medical Equipment

2007-10-02T15:19:00.000-04:00

In the past I've talked a bit on the embarrassment of going to the doctor when you are heavy. The paper gowns don't fit, it's hard to "hop" up onto the table, the embarrassment of the scale, etc., etc., etc. One other thing that has really gotten to me in the past is the need for specialized medical equipment for the super sized. It's not bad enough we're fat, but now we need to be reminded of it when they have to pull out the special equipment.

Last year I needed to have an MRI done. When I called for the appointment, they asked me a series of questions. Are you claustrophobic? Do you have any metal implants? How tall are you? What do you weigh? Upon answering the height and weight questions, the woman on the other end responded with a "hmm.... we might have a problem." That didn't sound good. I asked what the deal was, and she replied that she didn't think I could fit into the tube of the MRI machine. OMG how embarrassing. At least I was on the phone, and not sitting and talking to someone in person. Then she went on to ask me my measurements... a little more embarrassment. She wanted to double check the size of the tube compared to my measurements. I told her my measurements, to which she then asked, "did your doctor take these measurements?" I replied that no, I took them. She said that wasn't good enough and said I needed to have my doctor's office measure me. Dear God, here comes the embarrassment I thought. So I did as told, and went into the doctor for my special measuring appointment, which I must say was just a joy to make over the phone, attempting to explain my situation to the receptionist. "Yes that's right, I need to have someone in your office measure me, cause they don't think I'll fit into the MRI machine..." Wow. It stings just remembering this situation again! So I got my measurements done and called the MRI tech again. Apparently one of my measurements was the exact size of the tube. Great. Was I gonna get stuffed into the tube? I just imagined the horror of sitting inside a giant tube, not being able to move at all, arms pinned to my side, yikes! But when all was said and done, they decided that this wasn't a good option. Instead they sent me for an open-sided MRI. How sad, so fat I actually needed a special machine for the MRI.

But it doesn't stop there. Then my doctor wanted me to have 24 hour blood pressure monitoring. I had to go to this satellite cardiac clinic to get fitted for a blood pressure cuff to wear all day. They tried one, then another, then another... No luck. Too tight. They finally found one in my size, but it was broken. They sent me home, telling me they needed to special order a cuff in my size (embarrassing!). Why is it when you want to be discreet, that's when people shout? The nurse helping me opened the door to my room and shouted out to the other nurses, "do you know where the extra large cuffs are?" The nurses proceeded to shout back and forth about the blood pressure cuffs, other patients watching and listening, as my face began to take on a new shade of pink. Finally the nurse shouted back, "can you special order a big one for me?" Some people just have NO idea! Anyway, a few days later I got a call back... They didn't make the cuff in my size anymore. So I was never able to even have the test done. On a side note: my blood pressure was high due to a medication I was on, I went off the medication and now have totally normal blood pressure, so all was OK. :)

But even going to my routine appointments at the doctor require special equipment. Every time I have my blood pressure taken they have to pull out the big cuff. I have to wait while the nurse unhooks the standard cuff and plugs in the giant sized cuff. This little pause always embarrasses me. My mind races, thinking about my super sized arm. Ugh, I hate being fat!! But... something miraculous happened the other day. I went in for a routine girly doctor appointment. I hopped up on the table (which didn't seem like such a chore this time, btw) and rolled up my sleeve, awaiting the big cuff for my blood pressure reading. To my surprise the nurse grabbed the standard cuff out of it's holder and started fitting it on my arm. I almost stopped her and told her that it wouldn't fit, but who am I to tell her how to do her job, right? Anyway, I waited for her to try in vain but was shocked when the cuff fit. OMG are you serious? The standard blood pressure cuff fit? Was it gonna pop off my arm as she pumped it up? Nope, it seemed to work just fine. I just couldn't believe it. You mean I didn't require a special fat cuff anymore? Wow! I can feel the weight come off, I can see my clothes shrinking, but it wasn't until that day that I could use the normal blood pressure cuff that I was tickled with joy over my weight loss. It felt like such a major day for me. Somehow I equate normal blood pressure cuff with normal size. If I could use the normal blood pressure cuff, it truly meant I was getting closer to a normal size. I was utterly delighted! Sure I know I have a long way to go, but this was a major milestone. I'm am leaving all that special medical equipment behind as I journey forward to normalcy.

Update: Cool news! I woke up this morning, stepped on the scale, and smiled. Today I reached 250. I'm now down 65 pounds and falling! Woo hoo!!!

#83 - I hate feeling ugly or androgynous

2007-09-26T07:31:00.000-04:00

In my daily life I walk around feeling pretty feminine. I like to do things to make me look prettier like wear nice clothes, do my nails, that kind of thing. But the fatter I got, I started doing those things less and less, until one day I didn't feel very feminine anymore. One day I turned into a sexless blob. I would look into the mirror and just see fat. There wasn't a girl looking back at me, just an androgynous mass. I really hate that about being fat! But inside I was still a girl, still a person wanting to be attractive, wanting to find someone that would love me. The fat made me feel so ugly. Whatever potential for beauty I had was smothered away by the pounds. I just hate that what I feel on the inside doesn't match what others see on the outside. I used to be pretty, I used to feel feminine, I used to be sexy, I used to be a girl. What happened? When did this happen? How did this happen? I really feel like I lost myself as I gained the weight. And only now, after losing over 60 pounds, am I starting to see a glimmer of the girl I once was. I just don't want to feel ugly anymore, because I know I am not ugly, it's the fat that is ugly, unfairly disguising the real me. And with every pound I lose I am starting to feel more feminine again. I'm starting to care more about the things girly-girls care about again: clothes, hair, nails, skin, etc.

There probably is something truly biologic that happens to our bodies as we get fat, why we feel androgynous. I know that as you get fat your hormones go all out of whack. Some obese women even have difficulty conceiving because of the fat. So I guess there is a biologic reason why we start to feel so blah as we get fat. It's not just a self-esteem thing, something just in our heads. But I'm sick of feeling that way. And I think the feelings I'm having now, feeling more feminine, are not only due to losing weight and feeling better mentally, but also because of major hormonal changes going on in my body. I know for a fact my hormones were crazy at my heaviest. I used to have irregular periods, even skipping some months. But now as I lose weight, my cycle is completely regular again, everything seems to have settled back into a normal rhythm. It's funny, but as I lose weight even my skin is starting to feel different. My skin feels so soft lately. Maybe it's because my skin is not being stretched so much or maybe it's the hormones, I can't be sure of which, but it's gotten so baby soft making me feel even more feminine lately. It's very motivating, to actually feel different as I lose weight. With each pound lost I can see changes. It makes me want to keep going, to work harder at it, knowing that someday I will be that pretty girl again.

#82 - Dressing rooms and 360 degree mirrors

2007-09-24T20:45:00.000-04:00

So I was shopping the other day, hoping to find some cute outfits to take with me on vacation. I was in a great mood, feeling happy, excited about my upcoming trip. I took a few cute tops with me into the dressing room and started to get undressed when I noticed I was completely surrounded by mirrors. I'm used to looking at myself from the front, you know, the full length mirror shot. I'm pretty comfortable looking at myself this way. I know my flaws from this angle and I've come to accept them. I've even peered at my butt a few times, craning my neck around to catch a glimpse in the mirror. So yeah... I thought I knew what I looked like. But noooo... It was much worse than I thought. This dressing room I went into had mirrors everywhere! There was a mirror on the door, there was a mirror on the back wall, there were two mirrors at angles next to the back wall mirror, basically giving me a 360 view of me. I thought I had seen it all. I was wrong! I was getting undressed and caught sight of myself in one of the angled mirrors behind me and was utterly appalled! I thought I was losing weight, but these mirrors made me look like I had been gaining weight! Were my shoulders really that broad? Did I really have that much back fat? My goodness, is that my butt? I was just shocked. OK I have to admit, NO ONE likes dressing room mirrors. You have that oh so flattering fluorescent lighting that leaves nothing to the imagination to contend with, basically amplifying every single flaw times ten. Needless to say, I tried on the tops and fled as fast as I could from the dressing room, my head hanging very very low. That day I felt like I was back at square one, like I hadn't lost any weight, hadn't accomplished anything. Because I was feeling like, omg I've worked SO hard and THIS is what I have to show for it??? I was at a plus sized shop not that long ago and tried on some clothes there and had a wonderful experience in their dressing rooms. Maybe they had finally figured it out, dim lighting, one full frontal mirror, not so cramped dressing room. And pretty much everything I tried on there made me look great. But no, this was definitely not the experience I had the other day. Completely the opposite. Everything I tried on looked like crap, my skin looked pale and drawn, I had the biggest bubble-butt I never remembered having, and the dressing room was small and tight and made me feel gargantuan. I absolutely hate that about being fat!

So I FINALLY got off this dreaded plateau I've been on for the past month or so. A little pre-thesis defense stress did the trick to help me lose a few. So now I'm down 62 pounds!! Yaaaaay!! I had my thesis defense last Friday and it went great! All my hard work is finally paying off. Woo hoo!! I'm so used to celebrating with food. It's strange, but this time I didn't have a food fest to celebrate. Sure there was a party in my honor, but I didn't stuff my face to the max. I actually took a few bites of every dish (it was potluck), tasting just enough to feel satisfied. Usually it's times like these where I convince myself that I deserve a little treat, so why not? But something was different this time. I didn't feel the need. I just ate like normal. In the past, it was times like these where I would completely fall off the wagon, so to speak, completely losing any and all restraint. But that just didn't happen. In fact lately, I've just been too busy to eat much. My hungry, growling tummy has been reminding me to eat lately. It's strange, but when you're really fat, your stomach rarely growls. At least mine didn't much because I usually ate so often it never had time to empty all the way. So it's been kind of nice to see what your body is actually supposed to functioning like. It's kind of a reminder that there is a totally normal human being lurking deep within me starting to take over.

# 81 - Bikinis - Can I ever wear one?

2007-09-11T19:30:00.000-04:00

I was looking at my not so tight tummy (ok, let's be honest, my flabby tummy) and wondering if I will ever look good in a bikini. I've lost almost 60 pounds now, and I'm cursed with some loose skin. I think it's one thing to be a bit over weight and expect your skin to pop back into place, but when you've been 315 pounds, your skin stretches quite a bit to accommodate the fat. I'm probably being impatient, I know it might firm up a bit over time, but I worry that I'm stuck with it. I really do hope I can firm up my stomach over time. Because I know that I'll feel like a total success the day I can wear a bikini.

Why do we hold the bikini on such a high pedestal? We are always talking about getting in shape for bikini season, or losing weight to someday fit into that elusive bikini. It seems that the bikini has become the socially accepted symbol for the pinnacle of health or thinness. I have had times in my life when I wore a bikini. I wasn't tiny skinny or anything, I was a size 10 the last time I donned a bikini. I really did love the way it made me feel, very pretty and sexy, so I guess I do understand all the hype. I guess the bikini is just another way of saying you are at a healthy weight for your body, cause you would only wear a bikini if you were comfortable wearing one, meaning most likely you are at a pretty healthy weight and have a relatively flat tummy (at least no rolls lol). Why do I have such a desire to wear a bikini? Is it one of those "I can't have it so I want it" kind of thing? If I was naturally thin, would I be wearing a bikini anyway? I always think of bikinis as a thing 20-somethings wear; I'm 33, maybe I'm past my bikini prime.

Sometimes I think this obsession is silly. Why do we do this to ourselves? I worry that I set up myself for failure. What if I lose a ton of weight and get down to a healthy range, but maybe not quite thin enough for a bikini, will I feel like a failure just cause I can't wear a bikini? I obsess about the weirdest things. I'm still over 250 pounds and I'm worrying about wearing a bikini. You would think I have more important things to think about. But still, it's this goal I've set up in my mind, it's something I can work towards. And it's a physical, tangible reward for all the hard work of weight loss. Even though I know it's silly, I know that the day I hit a healthy comfortable weight, one of the first things I'm buying is a new bikini!

Mini update: hey guys, I haven't been posting a lot lately cause I've been CRAZY busy. I'm finishing up my PhD in biology as we speak (... I really should be working on my thesis lol). I have my thesis defense a week from Friday (omg that is SOON!). I'm sure I'll start posting more frequently after I finish up. :) Please send me all your good thoughts! I need some positive energy to help get me through it!

#80 - I hate the way I feel in clothes

2007-09-02T20:51:00.000-04:00

I remember a time when I had favorite clothes, you know the ones, that favorite pair of jeans or that favorite sweater that made you feel good to wear them. When I was young, I had this favorite sun dress that made me feel amazing every time I put it on. I can remember all the details of it, a pretty white knee-length dress with a purple ribbon belt and prowling purple jaguar across the skirt (OK, give me a break, it was the early 80's). I felt like a princess every time I wore it. I had fun finding shoes and hats to match. It was fun and made me feel so pretty. But now I don't seem to have any favorite clothes, in fact, I pretty much hate all my clothes. I hate the way they look, I hate the size they are, I hate the style, but most of all I hate the way I feel in them. A long time ago I stopped shopping for the clothes I liked, and started shopping for the clothes I needed. The styles available to heavy people are, in my opinion, quite limited. Sure, some clothiers are rebellious and offer trendy styles, but usually this is a total disaster. Come on, baby doll sleeves on a 300 pound woman? Please. And how many of you like baring your midriff in shortie shirts? Not me. So for quite a few years I have found myself in long pants and tunic-like shirts, usually in some figure hiding dark shade. So I pretty much have a wardrobe of long black shirts. Haha. I'm not ambitious about my clothes at all anymore. I used to love shopping for trendy new clothes and trying new things, but no more. I head straight to the long t-shirts and jeans, which never seem to let me down.

But what gets me so much about being fat is that I am just not comfortable in my clothes at all. I always find myself tugging at my shirts, feeling exposed all the time. Don't get me wrong, my clothes fit me and all, they just don't make me feel good. I'm always thinking my tummy is showing, or my butt is too big, or something stupid like this. I know a lot of this is about confidence, it always comes back to that. But you know the saying, "the clothes make the man." And if your clothes don't make you feel good, it makes you feel bad about yourself. A great outfit can lift your confidence through the roof. But what if you're never feel comfortable in your own clothes? You never get that extra boost of confidence. I've had friends tell me it's all about the tailoring, that you need to have clothes altered to your exact shape and size for a perfect fit. OK, who has the money to have ALL of their clothes altered? I sure don't. I'm an off the rack kind of gal, as I think most people are. But honestly, is a perfectly tailored shirt gonna make me feel so much better? I really don't think so. You know, it's not about the clothes... it's about the fat. You can dress me head to toe in haute couture, but I'm still gonna be fat. I just don't think I'll ever feel good in clothes until I lose some more weight.

Mini update time... Some of you have been asking how my weight loss has been going. I was doing really great there for a bit, consistently losing weight, but that seems to have come to a halt. I'm blaming it on a 10 pound weight loss at the end of July. I keep telling myself my body is just adjusting to the change. Maybe, who knows. But despite the plateau I'm still plugging away, working on making good choices in what I eat, trying not to over eat. I still have given up on TV, which has helped me to give up much of my previous mindless eating. Despite my best efforts, ok maybe not my BEST efforts, but my efforts none the less, I've been hanging out at 256 for about a month now. I just keep telling myself that at least I'm not gaining. I've gotten really good at stabilizing, and damn, that's half the battle. I mean, what good is it if you lose a ton of weight, but can't keep it off? OK raise your hand if you have lost a bunch of weight only to gain it back again. Yup, me too. So even though I'm on another plateau, I still see it as a victory. And I always think back to my highest weight and think that 256 feels A LOT better than 315... damn that's 59 pounds down! And I know that if I keep positive, keep working at it, and never give up, eventually I will lose the weight. I don't even think of it as "if" I lose the weight anymore, now I think of it as "when" I lose the weight. I know we're all looking for that overnight pill that will miraculously make us thin in the morning, but that's just not gonna happen. I think a big part of trying to lose a lot of weight is patience, being able to stick to it as your body slowly adapts to the changes. Honestly, you're not gonna lose weight every week, or every month for that matter, what is important is that you keep losing and keep it off over time. And I know, one of these days, I'm going to start to feel comfortable in my own clothes again, and I'll find another favorite piece clothing that makes me feel amazing every time I slip into it. Guess I'll have to keep my eyes open for a white sun dress with a purple jaguar on it, just kidding.

#79 - Thinking about weight ALL the time!

2007-08-22T07:04:00.000-04:00

I hate that when I'm fat I think about my weight pretty much every waking minute of every day. And no, I'm not constantly thinking I need to lose weight or what exactly do I weigh, but rather, it's this subtle thing I do all day long thinking about my weight in different ways. Let me give you an example of my thought process.

A typical day:

I wake up in the morning head to the bathroom, do my morning rituals and then weigh myself (thought #1 about weight for the day). Then I slip on some clothes and consider how big my butt looks in these jeans (thought #2). I pick out a shirt long enough that disguises my flabby tummy (thought #3). I survey my choices in the full length mirror, noticing that I look a little bloated today, maybe it was something I ate yesterday (#4). I head downstairs and hear the stairs creak as I walk down, and I wonder if I were thinner would the stairs creak so much (#5). I wander into the kitchen tired and hungry, in search of breakfast. I open the cupboards and consider which cereal to eat... Lucky Charms (too much sugar will make me gain weight - #6)... Cheerios (pretty good choice, in the long run might help me lose weight - #7)... Fiber One (better choice, nutritionists say fiber can really help the weight loss process - #8)... then decide I decide on the Cheerios. I go to the cupboard and look for a bowl... hmm... big bowl? little bowl? The little bowl is better portion control for weight loss (#9). I take my little bowl of Cheerios to the living room and watch some morning TV as I eat. A commercial with a waif thin model comes on trying to sell me tampons. I think "could I ever be that thin?" (#10). Before I can blink, my cheerios are gone, and I think I ate way too fast, do skinny people eat this fast? I really should slow down my eating to help me lose weight (#11). I relax a bit before work with a little more TV. More commercials with skinny people remind me how much weight I have to lose and I think about my weight loss goals for the umpteenth time (#12). I grab my keys and head out the door for work. I walk downstairs to the garage, again hearing the stairs creak, so I think again about if I were thinner they probably wouldn't creak so much (#13). I hop in the car and fasten my seatbelt and remember that just a few months ago I couldn't even fasten my seatbelt cause I was so fat (#14). I drive to work and pull into my parking space in the garage and hop out of the car. My parking space is about a block or so from my building to I start walking in. I get about 100 meters and my calves start to ache from carrying the weight of my body (damn I'm too fat - #15). It makes me think I am so out of shape and I really need to step up my exercise program if I really want to keep losing weight (#16). I make it into the building and hit the button for the elevator. I see a skinny guy pass the elevator and run up the stairs. If I were thinner would I walk up the stairs? (#17) But then I consider that he probably works on the 2nd floor while I work on the 11th floor. I would die walking up 11 flights of stairs at this size (#18). As I wait for the elevator I realize how sore my calf muscles are from walking and I stretch a little bit again chastising myself for not exercising more (#19). The elevator door opens and I get in, as the doors close my eyes wander to the weight limit sign on the elevator... 2500 pounds?... OK I guess I'm not too fat to ride the elevator (#20). I arrive on my floor and walk to my office, greeting my co-workers as they pass by. "Hi there," (Wow she looks skinny in those jeans! Why can't I be that skinny? - #21). "Good morning," (I bet she has never been on a diet in her life, while I've been on one since birth - #22). "How you doing?" (omg, why do men never have to worry about weight? he is so thin! - #23). I plop down at my desk, still slightly out of breath from the walking, and think more that I NEED to exercise more to get over this huffing and puffing thing (#24). I open up my email and see I have some new comments on my blog (I LOVE to read comments!!!). I read the comments and think about my next post, thinking about my weight loss progress (#25). After that, I'm ready to start my work day.

OK you get the idea. That was a slice of my life in about a two hour window and I thought about weight or weight loss 25 times!!! And this is no exaggeration. In fact, I have probably left out some of my "fat" thoughts. But let's say this is pretty typical. Multiply the number of my thoughts about weight in a given hour by 16 (the waking hours - cause strangely I'm always thin in my dreams, so I never think about being fat when I'm asleep - lol). That comes to an average of 200 times I think about weight in a given day. And like I said, this is probably an underestimate. OK maybe I'm insane, or OCD, or something, but from what I hear from other fat people, this is pretty typical. Am I right? Do you think about weight this much?

I really hate this about being fat. Sure, EVERYONE thinks about weight at some point, probably even everyday... should I eat that Snickers bar? do these jeans make me look fat? I should eat more fruits and veggies to help my weight..... etc., etc. But I think it's only fat people that totally obsess over it, that are consumed by these thoughts every waking minute of every day. I know when I was thinner, I didn't obsess like this, I didn't CONSTANTLY think about it. I hate being fat! Damn, it really takes a lot of energy to constantly think about weight. I really need to focus my attention to more productive things (like losing weight... #26... hehe, just kidding...well OK, maybe not, hahaha).

#78 - I hate feeling that the only thing keeping me from being truly happy is my weight!

2007-08-14T20:23:00.001-04:00

I think a lot of us believe this, that we'll never find true happiness until the weight is gone. Is that true? Or is this just something we've imposed on ourselves, like not letting ourselves feel happy cause we're supposed to miserable when we're fat? Or are we unhappy and that's why we got fat in the first place? I don't know. What came first: the chicken or the egg? I know right now in my life I should be totally happy. I have brains, I'm just finishing up grad school and have great prospects for a wonderful career. I have many talents, I seem to learn new things with ease. I'm pretty, well at least I think I'm pretty when I'm a bit thinner. I've fallen madly in love with a wonderful man that loves me too. But there is this nagging thing in the back of head telling me I don't deserve happiness because I'm fat. What is wrong with me? Like I said, I should be head over heels happy with my life, but noooooooo, all I can think about is my weight failures. I need to remind myself over and over and over and over again how far I've already come at losing weight. Damn it! I've lost 59 pounds!!!! That rocks, right? But of course, that nagging voice in the back of my head tells me...... you still have soooooo many pounds to lose sweetie!! Maybe that's our downfall, always focusing on the negative side of things. It's my default state - to think the worst. I have to constantly tell myself to be happy, that I'm allowed to be happy, that I should be happy, that I deserve to be happy!!! Why is this so hard?

And even still, something tells me I'll be much happier when I've lost the weight. Hmmm, maybe that's true though. You never know. I've heard from some people that have lost a lot of weight that say they are SOOOO much happier thin than they were fat. That finally their lives all came together as the pounds were shed. That they finally have the energy to really go out and live their lives for the first time, finally enjoying everything that life has to offer. But on the flip side, I've heard from people that also have lost a lot of weight that say they are just as miserable thin as they were fat. That nothing changed in their lives. That the only improvement in their lives was a lower grocery bill and less health problems. That there was no magic fairy at the end of their weight loss journey granting them true happiness. So what will it be like for us? Maybe it's realistic to imagine that most of us will fall in the middle of the road from these extremes. I imagine that life will be much better for me at a thinner weight, because of health and energy levels and self confidence. And no, I'm not waiting for some miraculous transformation to a super happy person. Though one never knows... look what happened to Richard Simmons! Weight loss made him the happiest guy on the planet, I think! Well who knows, maybe I'll turn back into the perky cheerleader I once was (omg yes... you read right...I was a cheerleader).

I guess I know that becoming skinny won't in and of itself make me happy, but I do feel that it will help me to be happier with myself. I always say, it's all about the confidence. And for me, when I'm thin (or at least healthy - my "thin" equals about 175-190), I am a happier person because I'm a much more confident person. But maybe I have this all backwards. Maybe the happiness HAS to come first. Maybe I'm losing weight more successfully this time cause I AM happy now, and shedding the pounds is only a side effect of the happier me. I'm not sure. I guess I do have to admit that I am a happier person today than I was a year ago. Is this because I've lost 59 pounds? Or is it something else? All I know for certain is that I deserve to be healthy, I deserve to live the kind of life I want to lead, and most of all I deserve to be truly happy!

#77 - Not recognizing myself in the mirror

2007-08-10T16:46:00.000-04:00

I can remember this one day in my life very clearly. I was shopping with my mom at the mall. We were doing a bit of window shopping, ooo'ing and ahh'ing about the clothes we wanted to buy. I walked by one store and caught site of a reflection of a really fat girl in the glass of the store window, and thought to myself, "Look at that poor girl, how sad." Then that's when I realized I was looking at a reflection of myself. At first I didn't even realize it was me. When had I gotten so fat? Who was this girl staring back at me? I didn't even know her. I remember this day so clearly, over 15 years ago, when I got so fat I didn't even recognize my own reflection.

I still find that I do this every once in a while, catch site of myself in the reflection of a building or something, and for one split second not realize it's me. I always tell you about how I'm a pretty confident person. Shit, I don't think I would have survived my life without a healthy bit of confidence pushing me through all the struggles! But even in my most confident moments, when I turn and see myself in the mirror and say, "Oh yeah, I'm fat, I forgot"; that's when my confidence goes in the toilet. I can be having the best day ever, but one look in the mirror can crumble my ego and my spirits. I hate this about being fat! And some days when I'm feeling all girly and pretty, and doll myself up all nice, I look in the mirror and am reminded that all the makeup and pretty clothes in the world wont hide the fact that I'm fat. Maybe this is why so many of us don't bother with dressing up or wearing makeup, cause why does it matter anyway, right? Well, that's crap! It does matter. Taking care of yourself makes you feel better. If you feel better, who cares what you look like in the mirror? If you feel good, you feel confident, you really do look better. In the past I've had people ask me if I had lost weight when I had in fact gained weight, because they just happened to catch me on a very good day where I had my head held high and beamed infectious confidence. Really, it's confidence that we all find so attractive. Sure a body like Cindy Crawford helps (haha), but confidence can be just as appealing. But on the flip side, when I look at myself in the mirror and can't even recognize the image looking back at me, I have a hard time mustering up much confidence.

I'm not making overly optimistic weight loss goals. I just want to get down to a healthier weight range. Honestly, right now if I can break 200, that's a great start. And in my quest to achieve a healthier me I want to be able to look in the mirror and say, "Yup, that's me," and not have it negatively influence my life. I know, most people are never truly happy with how they look. But I think as we lose weight, we just need to remember back to our heaviest selves and realize how healthy and beautiful we've become, to realize that even if we're not perfect, we're so much better off than we were. So even if I only get down to 200, or 190, or 180, or whatever, it's SO much better than 315! I guess we need to remember where we've been and how far we've come, then maybe when we look in the mirror we'll be happy with what we see. I think I need to practice a bit of what I preach, cause I was feeling kind of low today when I looked in the mirror and just thought, "Yuck!" I need to remind myself over and over again that where I am now is so much more attractive than where I was. 256 looks much prettier than 315! Of course there is room for considerable improvement, but I want that reflection of myself to stop passing judgment on me. I want to stop taking her opinion so seriously, and just feel comfortable with the way I look and not have my reflection dictate the kind of day I'm going to have. I just want to look into the mirror and see me. I just want to be able to walk by a store and recognize my own reflection!

#76 - Cellulite

2007-08-04T13:32:00.001-04:00

Sorry I haven't posted in a while. I was in the processes of moving. Why is it that when you move you discover how much unnecessary crap you have? Omg, I couldn't believe how many boxes it took to pack up all my stuff. Unfortunately I inherited the pack-rat tendency from my dad. I suppose I am destined to live a life of clutter! One upside to this whole moving process was some weight loss. I was worried cause, like I've said before, I'm a daily weigher, and once my scale got packed away, I couldn't weigh myself for over a week. I was also worried cause I was eating a lot of take out food. You know, no pots, no pans, no plates, no glasses = many nights of junk food. :( I was feeling totally bloated from the massive quantities of MSG I'd been consuming so I was absolutely sure I packed on some pounds during the move. The other day I finally found my scale amid the sea of boxes in my new house. I was kind of dreading to see how much weight I had put on, but to my surprise I had actually lost weight. And not just a little weight. I guess moving into a 4 story condo (all stairs - no elevator) was just the exercise I needed to combat all the take out food cause in about a week I had lost 8 pounds!!! Yes you read right - 8 pounds!!! I was sure my weight loss would be temporary, probably due to water weight loss from all the exercise, but so far I've kept the weight off for over a week now. I think going from one level living to 4 levels has helped me get in more exercise. It's like having a built-in stairmaster that I'm forced to use everyday.

OK, OK, enough about the move, let me talk about my reason #76, why I hate being fat - the dreaded cellulite. Yeah like being fat isn't hard enough, why do my fat thighs have to look like cottage cheese? And I know I'm not alone in this. It's estimated that 80-90% of all women have cellulite. We all hate it! I've even seen some pictures of models before airbrushing and noticed a bit of cellulite on them too. Turns out not even the perfect people are free from this blight. Now that I've been losing a fair bit of weight, I've been trying to do everything I can to make the best of what I have. I'm spending more time on my hair, makeup, skin, nails, etc., including trying to make my cellulite look better. LOL I know this might be a lost cause, but what the heck, let me try to make it look better. There are a lot of procedures and products out on the market that seem to me to be total crap. I really don't know how much a massage is going to help take away this fat, or if some miracle cream will miraculously dissolved the little lumps. It kind of seems like a waste of money to me. It's probably smarter to work on losing weight now, and worrying about getting rid of cellulite later (if that's possible haha).

But I did read an article recently in Shape magazine about inexpensive things you can do to help combat cellulite. First and foremost was diet and exercise. It's so true about having a good diet. When you eat right and drink enough water your skin really starts to glow. I know if I've had a few days of junk food (*ahem* like take out for several nights in a row) my skin looks oily and dull and I feel awful and tired. But after even a few days eating more fruits and veggies and drinking more water, my skin clears, my face brightens and I feel more energetic. Anyway, back to cellulite. So one of the theories is that you can try to help the cellulite from the inside out. Get your insides healthy first, then the outside will appear healthier too. Another tip to combat the cellulite was to use cheap over the counter lotions to try to soften the appearance of the bumpy skin. I thought 'hey I'll give one of these products a try, what can it hurt?' So I forked out about $7 for a tube of cellulite cream from the drug store. Every night I slather the lotion on my thighs and hope for the best. In a couple weeks my skin is already looking a bit smoother. Remember I am losing weight too, so it's not like some miracle lotion or anything. But it does appear to be firming up my skin a bit as promised. My thighs are looking smoother than they have looked in years. But honestly, would I have seen the same results from any old lotion? My guess is probably. I think the point is that you need to keep your skin hydrated to make it look soft and supple, to help minimize the look of the cellulite. Cellulite sucks, but remember we all have it, so you are definitely not alone in this battle! It's not just a problem for fat people, it's a problem for skinny people too. I will leave you with this: Good luck fighting your lumps and bumps! And in the future, may you only have dimples on the cheeks of your face and not the cheeks of your butt. :)

Update: I posted a new before pic on my Progress Pics page. It's a better pic that really shows what 315 on me looks like. It also makes my progress look much better!!! LOL Anyway, take a peek, see what you think.

#75 - Not feeling normal

2007-07-16T07:26:00.000-04:00

I hate that when I'm fat I just don't feel normal. I crave normalcy in my life. I don't want to be fat. I don't want to be skinny. I just want to be normal, average, middle of the road, the girl next door, or something like that. I know lots of people don't feel normal for many reasons besides weight. Maybe you have a disease and this makes you feel abnormal. Maybe you are really clumsy and feel like an oddball. Or maybe you can't pat your head and rub your belly at the same time and this makes you feel like a weirdo. There are so many reasons. For me, it's fat. Being the fattest person in the room makes me feel abnormal. On the other hand, what would the world be like if we all looked the same, acted the same and did the same things? Hmm, sounds pretty boring to me. I guess our abnormal selves make up the normal world as we know it. I guess I should embrace the fact that I'm different, that I'm not just another number in the crowd.

I think during my life so far I've tried to make up for my failures at weight by becoming an overachiever in many other aspects of my life. I guess I keep trying to prove to everyone, and myself, that I am a worthy person, that I'm fun and interesting, smart and talented. You pick a hobby I've probably attempted it or even mastered it. Drawing and painting, photography, knitting, computers, genealogy, and many other crafty endeavors. I always wonder if I put as much energy into my health and weight loss as I do in my hobbies, what would I look like? Damn, I'd probably be a super model. But maybe I turned to other hobbies because I've always failed at weight loss in the past and needed to reassure myself that I was somebody, that could accomplish something. I really need to think about this as something I did in the past. Because this time I'm actually losing weight successfully this time. This is the first time in my life when I've been able to lose over 50 pounds all on my own! No pills, no powders, no starvation, no surgery. Now damn, if that's not an accomplishment I don't know what is! Maybe I've finally taken up the hobby of me, taking care of myself the way I need to be taken care of, spending time on myself, acting healthy, being healthy. It's taken me all these years of being fat, but I feel like I'm finally taking the time to really do something about it. It's like I had to get my head into the right place to finally do it and do it right. I keep chipping away at these pounds one pound at a time. With each pound lost I feel more healthy and more confident. And to tell you the truth, I'm actually starting to feel pretty normal again.

#74 - My outer body doesn't match my inner self

2007-07-12T07:21:00.000-04:00

I know a lot of people have disorders where they perceive that they are much heavier than they are. Like those anorexic chicks that think they are completely obese. I've always said that I have the opposite problem, I've always felt I looked thinner than I actually was. Maybe this is why I've maintained a relatively solid ego all these years, cause I never really felt I was so fat. Maybe that's why I got so fat anyway, cause I never noticed the pounds creeping on. So I've always known I was at least chubby, and in my mind's eye I see myself as about 180 or 190, when in fact I'm more like 260-something. I guess it's a good thing that I have pretty good self esteem, but maybe I need to work a little harder at noticing the true reality of my body, that yes in fact I am quite fat. I guess this is why I try to pay attention to the numbers on the scale. I know a lot of experts that say not to focus so much on weight, but rather pay attention to how you feel or how you look or how your clothes fit. That's just too hard for me. I'm a scientist, I deal in absolutes, facts, hard data, clear cut evidence. So I need something concrete like numbers to keep me focused. That's why I watch the numbers on the scale so closely, why I'm a daily weigher. I wonder if when I lose the weight will my mind continue to play tricks on me? Will I always see myself as thinner than I really am? I suppose that's a good thing. My goal is to get to a about 180. Maybe at that weight I'll see myself as a super model or something. Who knows.

So my weight loss has stalled a bit again. It always seems to be a bit of two steps forward one step back for me. I seem to lose weight in spurts. But in the end it all works out and I'm still averaging about a pound lost per week (though lately I think I've slowed a bit to 3 pounds a month lost). I think so far I've been able to lose a lot just by eating healthier, but now I'm getting to the point where I need to step up my exercise program a bit. I am definitely not a lover of exercising, it seems so unnatural for me. My default is to do as little activity as humanly possible, so the thought of climbing onto a torture device, oh I mean my elliptical, and forcing myself to exercise seems wrong. Doing exercise is an uphill battle for me. I know it's good for me, I know my body needs it, I know I'll lose more weight if I do it, I know it will help me maintain all the weight I've lost, but does this motivate me? Nope. I'd rather not exercise, thank you very much. I'm in the process of moving so I know I'll be getting some exercise from all the packing and moving, so I guess that's good. But it's also been the reason I've been avoiding exercise lately. My house is in an utter shambles right now, I can barely stand in the living room let alone exercise with a DVD. One good thing about moving is that in my new house I'm creating a workout room. Maybe this will finally inspire me to workout. At least the newness of having a special workout room might make me try to exercise a little bit more. I think adding more exercise to my life is the only way I'm going to make it to my goal, and maybe the only way I can finally get my inner self to match my outer self.

#73 - Thinking that people are ashamed of me

2007-07-10T07:35:00.000-04:00

This topic has been on my mind a lot lately. So I told you earlier I've been dating someone online for a while and we've been planning to meet. He knows how heavy I am and is fine with it. He's seen plenty of pictures and even video, so there will be no surprises for him about my size. So I'm planning a trip to go see him in the next couple months. Not only will I get to meet him in person, but I'll also be meeting his friends and his family. This is what scares me the most. I'm not that scared of meeting him, cause like I said, he already knows I'm fat. But I'm terrified to meet his family. Maybe not in the way you might expect. I'm scared to think that my boyfriend will be ashamed of me, ashamed to introduce his fat girlfriend to his friends and family. This makes me feel so bad. I wish I were thinner so that my looks would be something he was proud to show off. I know, maybe this is all too shallow of me. I know he really cares about me no matter what I look like, and he'll probably be very proud to introduce me to his friends, but this is something that eats away at me in the back of my head. I think when it comes down to it I just need to stop thinking about all this so much. If my friends are true friends, they won't be ashamed of me. They love me for me, fat or thin.

By nature I'm a complete worry wort. I sit and think up all these scenarios, constantly keeping myself in a state of utter panic. Why do I do this to myself? I'm sure in the end everything will be fine. We'll meet, he'll introduce me to his friends, and if, by some chance, they are turned off by my weight, my charming personality will win them over in the end. This is usually how it works out anyway. Maybe I get a bad first impression from people, but usually within minutes people seem to be very comfortable around me and we talk and laugh, and it's no big deal. I've actually met very few people that I felt were true fat bigots, people that didn't like me clearly because of my weight. I guess it's these few people that have made me lose faith in man-kind, made me think all people are hateful and mean. But I know it's not true. Deep down inside I know that people really do care about what's on the inside more than the outside. Sure the media would like us to think otherwise, but it's true. And maybe being fat has given us an unfair chance at a good first impression, but at least there is something we can do about it. I think this is a good thing to think about. We can choose to lose weight. But people that are truly ugly on the inside, you know, the real assholes, they probably can't change. They will always be ugly on the inside. At least this is something positive about having a flawed exterior, you can change it. And from my personal experience all this struggle has actually made me a better person on the inside. I think now that I'm stronger, more compassionate, more patient, more accepting, than I ever had been in the past. Having to deal with ridicule and judgment, heartache and sadness, loneliness and isolation, has actually made me turn inward and become the person I am today. And really, I know that I am a person people would be proud to know, I'm no one to be ashamed of!

#72 - I want to wear cute strappy sandals, not wide-ass shoes!!

2007-07-02T17:55:00.000-04:00

Maybe I'm just cursed with wide feet, but I find that when I'm fat, I need to wear wider shoes than normal. I hate this. It's summer and I'd like to be sporting some cute little strappy shoes. But instead, I'm usually in wide shoes. :( I remember as a thin person going into shoes shops and picking up the newest cutest little shoes and slipping them on with ease. Now, forget about it! Attempting to put on narrow little shoes is a joke! I can barely fit my toes into many of these shoes let alone my whole foot. It's quite comical actually, seeing me try on new shoes. There I am trying to squeeze my chunky feet into waaaaayy to tight of shoes. Even if I manage to squeeze my feet into the shoes, they usually look awful, with my chubby feet attempting to bust free, straining the straps to their limit. Honestly, I have some funny but cute feet. If that makes sense, lol. I have these pretty short looking feet when compared to the width of my feet. Pretty much my feet look like Hobbit feet (without all the hair, of course). But I do my best with what I have. I have found that strappy thong shoes work out pretty well, allowing my wide feet some room to breathe. That's about the only strappy shoes I can wear at this point. So I'm buying up as many pairs of flip flops and thongs as I can. I've got a pair for any outfit, casual or dressy, flats or heels, and every color to boot. Am I alone in this struggle? Are there other wide (*ahem* fat) footed people out there? Or is this just me? Do I just truly have wide feet? Hmm, don't know. But I do remember a time when I wore "thin" shoes! Now that I think about it, not only more narrow, but I wore a smaller size when I was thinner. Did my feet grow? Possibly, but it's probably just that I need more space to accommodate my fat feet. Who knows? Maybe I'll go from 9W back down to a 8. Guess I'll have to wait and see. Damn, guess I'll have to replace both my clothes AND my shoes when I lose weight. Only time will tell. But there are a pair of Jimmy Choos with my name on them waiting for me when I make it to goal.

#71 - Stomach getting in the way of everything

2007-06-30T07:18:00.000-04:00

First off, thanks so much for all your awesome comments!! Man you guys really motivate me to keep at it!!! It was tough for me to post pics of myself. But your words of support and encouragement really made my day!! Thank you so much!!!!!

OK, so reason #71 - My stomach. I really hate that it gets in the way of everything. Sometimes I feel like a pregnant woman, with the big protruding belly. At my heaviest, I couldn't even tie my shoes let alone see my feet. I just couldn't bend over far enough cause my gut would get in the way. So is it better now that I've lost 53 (yes 53!!!) pounds? Hmm, not so much. Haha. Now my trouble is a lot of loose skin, which still seems to get in the way, but never the less, truthfully it is better. I'll take loose skin over fat any day!!! I just really hope that all this skin with start to firm up at some point. It's not a pretty sight. I used to have rolls of fat, now I have rolls of skin. Yuck-o. I really don't want to go through the pain of a tummy tuck at some point. I'm not against cosmetic surgery, but I'd prefer to not do it. I lost a ton (OK not a ton - 50 pounds) of weight when I was 23 and my stomach shrunk right up. I'm hoping and praying for the skin elasticity of a 23 year old now at 33. Guess my new mantra should be: firm skin, firm skin, firm skin. But I'm doing what I can to help the process along, eat good healthy foods, exercise to help with toning, and moisturize as an attempt to help keep my skin elastic. I guess I'll just have to wait and see what happens. But what ever happens I know that I'll be much happier knowing I'm healthier even if it means a little saggy skin. :))

I seem to have busted through my little plateau quite amazingly cause I didn't change anything I was doing. Guess my body just needed a little time to adjust. I think this is a really important lesson about sticking to it. I was starting to get really frustrated seeing the same number on the scale every day (I'm a daily weigher - I just have to, it keeps me focused). Anyway, I knew that sometimes the body resists weight loss and can be stubborn (I completely understand that, I'm a Taurus so I know stubborn). So I knew I just had to keep trying, that eventually I WOULD lose more, and sure enough the weight starting coming off again. I seem to making up for lost time though, and I seem to be losing kinda fast this week. I'm sure I'll be back in another plateau in no time, it's just the way my body deals with weight loss. In the end it all averages out to about 1 pound lost per week, a nice healthy rate of weight loss. And I'm happy to report that with every pound lost, my stomach shrinks more and more. Yay!!

Progress Pics

2007-06-27T14:27:00.001-04:00

Pics Update

I found a better before pic of myself. It was taken at Halloween, so you must forgive the costume - hehe. I was a hanged Salem witch, a very buxom Salem witch lol. Anyway, I think this is a much better pic that shows me at my highest weight - 352, and it also helps to show what a 50 pound loss looks like when compared to my new pic.

--------Before---------------------After----------

OK, OK, you asked, you begged, and now I'll deliver. A lot of you have wanted to see progress pics of my journey. I've been hesitant to post any pictures of myself. I hate having my picture taken, ok who doesn't? And so far the only real life pic I've showed you is my profile pic - me at 3 years old. :)

Anyway, I thought today would be the day that I would share some pics with you. I really had to search for a before pic. Like I said I hate having my pic taken, so I really didn't find many fat fat pics of myself. But I searched high and low and finally found one.

So, why today? Why did I finally decide to show you pics? Well I had to mark today with something special. You see, today I got on the scale, and was amazed that I hit the 50 pounds lost mark! Can you believe it? This is the first time in my life when I've lost 50 pounds without following some crazy plan, or taking pills, or having surgery. I did it all on my own!! I still have a long way to go, but at least I've made some serious progress! It's taken me 10 months to lose 50 pounds. So it's been slow, but pretty steady.

-----------352-----------------------302------------

Personally, I don't see a huge difference in the pics, but my clothes size really shows the difference. I used to wear a very tight 28, now I'm comfortable in loose 22's. I don't have the best before pic, so maybe you can't see the difference either, but trust me, I FEEL SO MUCH BETTER now 50 pounds less! I guess with this post I just wanted to show you that if you work at it anyone can lose weight. You don't need some crazy diet or even surgery. Just be persistent, eat less, move more, and most of all keep a positive outlook. I'm on my way to my goal. It's a good start and I know I have a long road ahead me yet, but I won't let this get me down. In fact, it motivates me even more to know that I've accomplished what I have all on my own. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I see a healthy weight in my future. I know that I can do it! And if I can do it, so can you! Good luck and keep working hard!

#70 - Feeling Alone

2007-06-21T07:43:00.000-04:00

Wow, I've been in a posting mood lately! I guess I've had a lot on my mind that I had to share. Anyway, I've been thinking about this reason a lot lately. Since I've been fat I've felt so alone. It's kind of two-fold I think. Part of it is that I've isolated myself away from the world, not wanting to face ridicule from others, but the other part is that even when I am trying to be out there in the world, I'm totally ignored. Have you ever noticed that? It's like fat people are invisible sometimes. How many times have you gone into a store and had no one says a word to you? The clerks totally ignoring you, unless you go out of your way to ask for help. Why is that? Is it that they just don't like fat people? Fat bigots in other words? I don't know. Or is it that they just don't want to deal with their own insecurities and just avoid fat people to save them from the reminder that they too have a few pounds to lose?

So I'm getting to this age where I'm really starting to think about settling down and finding a mate. I'm 33 for God's sake, I'm not getting any younger people. I feel like that window to find a husband, start a family and live happily ever after is starting to slip through my fingers. I just don't want to be alone anymore. I'm tired of the single life. I want to find a mate. I know a lot of you talk about finding your husbands and wives even when you were (or are) fat. But I feel like the odds are stacked against you in your search for love. I know, I know. You shouldn't "search" for love, it just smacks you in the face when you least expect it. But you know I mean, I'm just out there hoping that love will find me, and I'm very open to the possibility. At least for me, I don't have men beating down my door for a date. I think when I am this heavy, very few people find me attractive or show any interest. And the men that have comin' a callin' in the past aren't the kind of men I see myself marrying. Honestly I think a lot this is self-imposed though. I just don't see myself as a fat bride. Maybe I held off from the idea of marriage until I finish going through my metamorphosis into the healthier version of me. I don't know. Maybe that's why I haven't dated much in recent years, why I haven't allowed anyone to get close. I'm not sure. What I am sure about now is that I'm sick of that!! It's time for me to get healthy (and I am - 49 pounds down - yay busted that little plateau) and reclaim my life. To finally live my life the way I always envisioned. I am so ready to step out from the shadows and stop being the invisible girl!

#69 - SEX!!!

2007-06-19T09:46:00.000-04:00

OK, I just couldn't resist the opportunity to be a little punny and dedicate reason #69 to sex. For me this is one of the biggest reasons I hate being fat. Three things come to mind when I think about being fat and the idea of sex. I hate that when I'm fat sex is either a) a physical impossibility due to size limits and/or lack of stamina, b) a social improbability because no man in the Tri-State area finds me remotely attractive or c) something I wouldn't even consider because I absolutely abhor the idea of taking my clothes off in front of another human being. So all of these reasons have left me in a sexual dry spell for some time.

But now I'm currently dating someone online and we are planning to meet in person soon, so I've been thinking quite a bit about the topic of sex even more recently (hehe). I've lost almost 50 pounds now, so my body is definitely starting to shape up a bit, but don't get me wrong, I have a long way to go until I'm comfortable in my own skin and start to take on a "normal" shape. To top it off, the man I'm seeing is average sized, which, for me, adds another layer of insecurity. I dated a heavy guy last fall, and it didn't seem so bad to get naked in front of him. I mean, at least he knew what it was like, so maybe he was more accepting, I don't know. But a thin guy? Will he be as accepting? I guess I'll have to wait and see if it even comes to that. Who knows? I have no idea what will happen.

I'm trying very hard at this point to be confident and proud of who I am, stretch marks and all. I think when you are confident people see you quite differently. They see the happy, strong woman I am. I think a confident attitude can take you a long way, helping some people see past the physical. Some... I think self confidence helps you stay motivated too. If you constantly put yourself down, why would you bother working hard to help better yourself by losing weight? You wouldn't. So staying positive and confident definitely helps me to stay motivated. But I must say, the prospect of sex on the horizon has been an amazing motivator to keep me working on my weight loss. It's made me step up my exercise program a bit too. I suppose it's stupid of me to think that a few more crunches or a few more minutes on the elliptical will bring about earth shattering results in a short time, but at least it's keeping me motivated.

#68 - The joys of summer - Chafing of my inner thighs

2007-06-16T08:54:00.000-04:00

Summer is fast approaching. June 21st is almost here. The chill of winter is long gone and the crisp spring mornings turn to hot and sticky summer afternoons. I should be elated with the increasing temperatures, but really, I'm not. What does the fat person look forward to in the summer? Sure the extra sun is great and I love spending more time outdoors playing around and barbecuing, but really, deep down inside I dread summer. Summer means I will invariably be overheated on most days. I've already touched on this in another post about how I hate wearing skimpy clothes, so in the summer I'm usually hot, from the sweltering temps outside, from the fact that I'm overdressed trying to cover up the bulk, and the simple fact that I carry all this excess weight that one can liken to wearing a wool sweater into a sauna. Summertime definitely brings out many of the reasons I hate being fat. But one of my favorites is that in the summer I get some wicked chafing of my inner thighs. It's the perfect combination: bulky thighs that rub together, causing some nice friction, a little moisture from the sweat, and wham-o, the chafing occurs. Sometimes it feels like I'm wearing corduroy pants, making that swoosh swoosh sound. I should own stock in Johnson & Johnson for the amount of baby powder I've gone through in my lifetime attempting to lessen the burn of my chafing thighs. But really the only remedy for chafing thighs, I think, is to lose weight. So here's the amazing thing. It's been pretty hot here already, enough to feel sticky on some days, but surprisingly I haven't noticed any chafing yet. Has my weight loss so far been enough to stave off the friction? So I'm 48 pounds down now (I seem to be stuck in a nice plateau about now - grrr), and maybe now I can actually enjoy my summer without dousing myself with quarts of baby powder. I actually look forward to the 90 degree days to test the hypothesis (that's the scientist in me talking, lol). We shall see. Maybe this summer, *gasp*, I will actually break out the shorts and finally stay cool. So with this post I will leave you saying: Happy Summer! Good luck on your weight loss! And may your thighs stay free from friction and burn!!

#67 - Completely wasting my 20's

2007-06-07T08:19:00.000-04:00

I thought about it, and I realized that I've been fat for over 15 years. I pretty much starting packing on the pounds at the end of high school. By the time I was 18 I was obese. I had a really active dating life during high school, but once I got fat, my social life waned. And by the time I was in in my 20's, and fat, I was in social isolation. After my high school sweetheart and I broke up, in my early 20's, I stopped dating all together. It kind of became this vicious cycle. I thought I was too fat to date, so I felt bad and gained more weight, which of course made me want to date less and less, and so on and so on. You get the idea. So here I am now, 33, and still not doing too much dating. I don't even go out very often with my friends (on a side note though I think this is more about my age, cause my thin friends complain about being too tired to go out much anymore either). I feel like my fatness has made me a self-induced recluse. That makes me really sad when I think about it. What happened to my 20's? Isn't that supposed to be a time when you go out and party, when you meet lots of new people, when you find love, when you enjoy life the most? I feel like I completely wasted my 20's away feeling self conscious and ashamed. I'm only now becoming aware of what I've been doing all these years, and I'm trying to make changes. In the past year I've started dating a bit again. Though I must say the whole body-self-conscious thing still gets me. I have a really hard time being comfortable taking my clothes off in front of anyone. And it's not just a matter of deciding to date either. It's not like I have men beating down my door for a date. Honesty, how many men are attracted to women that are 100 pounds over weight? Sure they are out there, but there aren't many! I just feel like I've spent so much time trying to fill my voids with food that I forgot to live. I forgot how important contact with other people is. I forgot how important touch is. I feel like I've wasted so much precious time that I will never get back. What happened to my 20's? But I won't let it get me down. I won't let it contribute to that vicious cycle thing of feeling bad and getting fatter. No more!! I'm breaking that cycle!! The only thing I can do now is to keep at it, keep losing weight and getting healthy, keep trying to be more social and date, keep trying to live my life to the fullest again. Life is too short, we don't have time to waste it!!

#66 - Never getting clothes for gifts anymore

2007-05-31T08:33:00.000-04:00

So it was my birthday a couple weeks ago and it got me to thinking about presents - yay presents! Anyway, one thing I realized is that since I've been fat, I don't get clothes as gifts anymore. I remember getting special sweaters at Christmas or pretty dresses for my birthday, but nope, no more. I'm sure my friends and family don't want to insult me by asking for my clothing size, so they get me safe gifts like books or CDs. But I hate that. I really used to love getting clothes for presents. I would hang on to those special items for years, because they had such sentimental value to them. It would be really special to pull out the fancy dress or sweater and remember the person that got it for me. It made my clothes have more meaning. But I can't do that anymore. Now clothes are just something that I have to wear to cover myself up with. I find I don't really care what I wear when I'm fat. I go through clothing sizes so fast it seems, that I never have time to attach any significant emotional value to any of my clothes. The sizes go up, I toss the skinny ones, the sizes go down, I toss the big ones. An endless cycle of donations to the Goodwill. It's funny though, I actually still hung onto a couple pieces of clothes from my skinny days that were gifts, because they really did hold meaning for me. I would love to be able to wear them again someday, though I think they would be horribly out of style, being from circa 1985. I guess I just need to look forward to the day when I'm a more normal size and people aren't afraid to ask me for my size, then hopefully I'll get some new clothes for gifts.

So on a side note... I get a lot of requests for updates on my progress so here goes. Actually the weight loss is going amazing!!! I feel like some gypsy from a Stephen King novel has touched me and whispered "Thinner". The weight seems to be falling off at a pretty descent clip. I'm down 48 pounds now, seeing numbers on the scale I haven't seen in years! What's my secret? Everyone always asks. No secret! I'll say it again and again! Eat less, move more! But more recently I've added another big helper. No TV. I've been pretty addicted to this virtual reality game Second Life (see my post about it), and I've actually not watched TV in over a month. I can't believe it, something actually got me to stop watching TV. Sure, I've switched from one addiction to another, I'll admit that, but it's an addiction that doesn't involve endless hours of munching away on snacks. Sure I still watch the occasional DVD, so I'm not completely void of TV, but no more network TV. I used to spend probably a good 6-8 hours (maybe more!) in front of the boob tube every night. During which time I would most likely consume a gigantic dinner, some kind of salty snacky thing, a dessert or two, then some more chips or something. I would just eat and eat and eat in front of the TV. Then I found Second Life, and filled my void with yet another addiction (I think all of us heavy set folk have issues with addiction, face it food is our drug, so it's easy to get addicted to pretty much anything). The difference with my endless hours on the computer is that I don't eat much in front of the monitor and keyboard. Sure I eat, but it's not that mindless TV zombie eating. I actually think about what I want to eat, I don't just eat for eating sake. We hear the expects talk about kids getting fatter and fatter in today's society and that TV plays a major role in this. Well, now that I've seen it first hand I have to completely agree! Give it a try, shut of the TV, even if for a few hours. I know, then what will you do? Anything, anything else but TV. Surf the net, read a book, jeez, even go for a walk, anything to get yourself away from the TV. There is some horrible connection between food and TV, so you need to find some way to break that chain.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!!

2007-05-17T08:24:00.000-04:00

You say it's your birthday
It's my birthday too--yeah
They say it's your birthday
We're gonna have a good time
I'm glad it's your birthday
Happy birthday to you.

LOL I had to wish myself a happy birthday! I had share the best birthday present I've ever received - weight loss!! Wooohooo! What a great way to wake up on your birthday! Today I hit the 45 pounds down mark. Nice to hit a milestone on my b-day! I wish you all continued success on your struggles to get healthy throughout the coming year! If we just keep at it, we all can do it!!!

#65 - Hygiene

2007-05-16T10:56:00.000-04:00

OK this is going to be the TMI post of all TMI posts (for those that don't know - TMI = too much information). But, you know, it really is an issue, so I gotta talk about - I just can't hold back. As a fat person, maintaining good hygiene can be a problem. Yuck, I know. But it's true. I think one problem is because we carry around all this extra weight and our bodies have to work extra hard - so we sweat a lot more than normal people. I find that if I do a little extra activity, I end up mopping my forehead of sweat, my hair ends up greasy, and I look like a mess. I end up stinky sweaty by days end. But that's only the tip of the iceberg. Getting clean can be a problem too. When I was at my heaviest, I actually had a hard time reaching all my nooks and crannies, that is without pulling a muscle going into some kind of contortionist pose. I actually had to strain to reach everything in the shower. I hated that! Luckily with a little weight gone, this isn't an issue anymore, thank God. Even all the other girly things I used to do when I was thin got tough as a big fat chick. Shaving my legs was hard, because my big gut prevented me from bending over easily. And painting my toe nails, forget about it! I could barely touch my toes let alone paint them. Which also meant giving myself good pedicures, you know getting rid of all the callouses on my feet, just didn't happen when I was at my fattest. At my heaviest I felt like a sweaty, dirty, unkempt blob. That is no way to feel like a lady! I never ever felt feminine. I'm now down 44 pounds, and I'm just now starting to feel girly again. I'm finally getting to do all the pretty primping I loved to do. It's really a cycle you know. If you can maintain cleanliness, you start to feel better about yourself, then you start to do more good things for yourself, which makes you feel better and better, and you end up looking better and better. Of course the opposite is true too. When I was really fat and not at my cleanest, I felt awful about myself, which meant I didn't really do much to keep up my appearance. I didn't really do my hair, I didn't put on any makeup, I really didn't care what clothes I wore. I just didn't care. I swear, being fat makes you feel bad, which just makes you fatter and fatter. That sucks!

There is another issue that fits into this good hygiene category, and I warn you..... TMI TMI TMI!!! Like I said before, when you are really heavy it's hard to reach all those nooks and crannies in the shower... well... imagine other reasons you need to reach down there. I found that at my highest weight I had a hard time wiping my ass. Don't get me wrong, I was always clean and fresh (or so I hoped), but it took an awful lot of twisting and stretching and straining to get the job done. Eeewww, I know! But like I said, this is an issue for a lot of fat people, another big reason I hate about being fat, so I have to put it out there and talk about it. I never needed it, but I've even seen products for the morbidly obese to help aid them in cleaning the hard to reach spots, basically tp on a stick. When I think about that, it makes me really sad.

Some people harshly judge fat folks for being dirty, stinky slobs. And many wonder why would someone ever let themselves get that way. I don't know the answer to that. Why did we let ourselves get so fat, fat to the point where it becomes sad? I don't how I got here, I don't why I couldn't see it or stop myself. But now I'm aware and I have all of these reasons that help fuel my drive to become healthy again. I never ever ever want to say again that I have a hard time reaching my ass. Oh my God! I think I have to end this post now, I have this sudden urge to go take a shower!

#64 - Sleeveless Shirts

2007-05-05T11:10:00.000-04:00

Ooo, this is a big one for me! I absolutely hate sleeveless shirts when I'm fat. Don't you? There is nothing I hate more than a fat woman letting her arm blubber flap in the wind, protruding out from sleeveless attire! I will never be one of those women. I have completely sworn off tank tops, halters, camis, sleeveless, spaghetti straps, and the like, until I can get this arm fat under control. It's sad, but I actually think the arm fat looks worse now that I'm losing weight. I seem to have formed these skin wings that hang down from under my arms. So attractive! So I imposed a banned on all sleeveless shirts until I can not only lose the weight, but firm up that loose skin. I hope I'm one of those lucky ladies with elastic skin that is able to mold itself back to it's original firm glory. Though I've been obese for over 15 years, I may need a bit of a tuck to get a handle on the skin. I hope not though. I'm not really keen to the idea of plastic surgery. I'm sure once I hit my goal, I won't give a crap about a bit of skin as long as I weigh less. Who knows? We'll have to wait and see.

And it's not just sleeveless shirts that are forbidden from my wardrobe. No sir. I refuse to wear cap sleeves, shorts, swimsuits, and belly shirts! So why is that all of the fat shops are chocked full these items? My God, if I see another shortie top at Lane Bryant I'll die! Why on Earth do they think we want to show off the very parts that make us look fat? I know a lot of heavy women that embrace their curves and love to show them off, but let me tell you honey, no one else likes to look! I think a bit of healthy self confidence is great, don't get me wrong. But I think you can bee self confident and not show your protruding belly to the world. It gets really hard though to avoid skimpy clothes as the weather gets hotter and hotter. I would love to be comfortable in shorts and a tank during the summer when the weather is sweltering. I'm just not that comfortable to pull it off though. In the summer my wardrobe shifts from jeans and T's to capris and T's, whatever I can do to cover the blubber. And with summer approaching, beach season is just around the corner, but you won't see me in any bikini! No way! Of course there is the need to don a swimsuit now and again, but it's sheer torture for me. I know some people that cover up with a T-shirt while they swim, but who are they kidding? By the time you get wet, your T clings to your body and defeats the whole body incognito thing you were going for. So every once in a while I suck it up, put on the tankini and dive in! Albeit a little uncomfortable, but at least I'm chillin' in the pool. I look forward to the days of no banned clothing. Days when I can look into my closet and say, "What do I WANT to wear today?", and not "What CAN I wear today that won't make me look fat?" I know as long as I keep at it, someday will come sooner than I think! I can't wait!

#63 - Buffet restaurants

2007-05-01T07:05:00.000-04:00

OK guys, am I the only one that hates buffet restaurants? As a fat person I totally try to avoid them at all costs! My reasoning is two fold. 1) It's really hard to keep control of your portions when confronted with rows and rows of delicious steaming food. I find myself saying, "Just one more egg roll..." The last time I went to an all-you-can-eat place I only allowed myself one trip to the trough - no going back for seconds, or thirds, or fourths, or... I figured it was the only way to limit my feasting! So reason 2) why I hate buffets? This is the main reason actually. 2) I hate the looks I receive when I eat in a buffet restaurant. You know what I mean... You can almost feel the groans from the staff. They're probably thinking, "Oh damn, we're gonna some more sweet and sour chicken... a lot more..." And other patrons seem to take note when a fat person eats at a buffet. I feel like I'm constantly scrutinized at these places. I end up feeling like all eyes are on me. I hate that! I'm sure a lot of this is self-imposed self-esteem bullshit, but still I always wonder what others are thinking. I think one other reason I hate these buffets is that there ARE so many fat people there. It's like I'm guilty by association. The last time I went to Sunday brunch at our local slop-and-trough (an endearing name my mom and I always use when referring to these vile buffet restaurants) the place was filled with the obese. Normally when I'm out in public I feel like the fattest one in the room, maybe there are a few chubby people or the occasionally morbidly obese person, but for the most part I feel like I represent a small percent of the population. Not so at the buffet! At the buffet I feel thin! It really makes me feel bad to see all these fat people at the buffet restaurant. I feel like it perpetuates the stereotype! Being in a buffet restaurant makes me feel like a fat cow! I hate that! And really, is there truly a need for all-you-can-eat restaurants? I know some people say, "I like them for the variety of food you can eat." But really it's, "I want to be able to stuff my gullet so full I need to roll out of the restaurant!" I think anyone serious about staying healthy and losing weight has no place in a buffet. The temptation alone will kill you!

Enough of my rant! Some of you have been asking for progress updates on my weight loss, so I thought I'd oblige you. OK the goal of this blog was to lose one pound for every reason I hated being fat. So OK, apparently I type way too damn fast, cause I'm not quite there... but I'm catching up! As of today, just by eating a little less and moving a little more I have lost 41 pounds. Yipee! I've lost this weight during the past 8 months - pretty slow - but hey, it's not a race! I'm never going to set up weight loss goal time lines again! I'll lose it when I lose it. Every time I've set some goal date in the past, I usually fail, then beat myself up, then gain the weight back. Well screw that! I'll take my sweet time losing this time. It's so much better for your body to lose it slow anyway. My opinion is that gradual changes more easily become permanent changes. And I want this time around to be my last! I hope you all are doing great on your weight loss too! Stay healthy!! Stay positive!! And do yourself a favor, stay away from the buffet!

#62 - Shopping with thin friends knowing I can't buy anything

2007-04-23T09:36:00.000-04:00

I wander through the racks of clothes, flipping through hanger after hanger of gorgeous tops, pants and dresses. "Oooo, this is cute!" I utter as I pass by a sexy little dress. My friend appears with a mound of fabric draped over her arm and excitedly says," I gotta try these on, be back in a sec." I nod, excited for her finds, but inside a little sadness stirs. You see, I'm a fat girl in a normal sized clothing shop - nothing here will fit me. You know the feeling!

I used to love going shopping, sorting through the clothes, finding awesome deals, trying on new outfits, searching for matching accessories....but alas, the joy of shopping has left me. Now it's torture, trying to find clothes that cover up my tubby tush, trying desperately to find an outfit that doesn't scream "Hey, look at me, I'm fat!" While shopping in itself has become loathsome, the hardest part is shopping with thin friends. I want to be social and enjoy spending time with friends, but shopping is miserable. It's especially hard when your friends can walk into any store, try a few things on, then walk out with a whole new look. I envy that! It's hard to sit there and wait while your friends try on skinny little outfits, as you flip through the racks knowing you can look, but you can't touch. I hate going into a store and finding something I really love, but knowing that I would never fit into it. It's frustrating! I suppose it's fun, though, to think about wearing these cute little clothes when I get to goal. It gives me something to aspire to, inspiring, but nerve wracking.

There's also another interesting thing I've found about skinny clothes stores - they're not so skinny anymore. As the world's waistlines expand and grow, clothes have expanded to accommodate the bulge. I remember when I was a youngin' going into stores like the GAP or the Express and only finding teenie tiny size 2, 4, 6, 8, and maybe 10's. Now they seem to offer bigger sizes like 14, 16, 18, and 20's. Funny thing is a size 14 today is not the size 14 from 20 years ago. The last time I wore a 14 I was 150 pounds. Now I hear people talk about wearing size 14's when they're like 190-200 pounds. How is this possible? Vanity sizing, baby! You gotta love that. Ha ha! Designers want us to feel good about ourselves so that we buy more of their products, so they change all the labels in their clothes, so that when we try their clothes on we fit into a MUCH smaller size. Wouldn't you be loyal to a brand of clothes if they told you you were 2 or 3 sizes smaller than you actually were? Ha! I would! Maybe this really hasn't helped our waistlines any though. Some people watch their weight by keeping an eye on how tight their clothes feel. But if you keep buying new clothes, and the sizes keep expanding, you'll never have tight clothes even as you pack in the pounds! It can be deceptive! Before you know it, I'll be fitting into a size 2 - at my current weight!

In the end maybe it's a good thing that I can't buy a lot of skinny clothes right now. I really used to love shopping and would spend tons of money on the latest styles. I guess it means I'm saving a lot of money by being banished from mall! Note to self: maybe I should start a savings account for clothing once I hit goal - God help my credit cards!

And the winners are....

2007-04-15T08:42:00.000-04:00

I'd like to thank the academy... OMG I can't believe it!!! Because of all of your love and support I have won a 2006 Best of Blogs Award for the Best New Heath Blog!!! Thank you, thank you, thank you! *I'm doing my happy dance now!* I just can't believe my little blog, intended as a platform for my rantings, has grown so popular. I thank you all, and dedicate this award to all of you chubby chicks of the world, working so hard to fight the fat right along side me (hehe, I feel like Camryn Manheim at the Emmys)! Check out the other blog winners too - there are some really great blogs to read.

I thought I'd take this time to recap the past year of my blogging experience. I started this blog with the intention of losing one pound for every reason I hated being fat. Well let me tell you, I apparently write too fast, lol. I've lost 33 pounds now and am already at reason 60. Oh well, weight loss doesn't have a time frame for me. I can't force it. In the past year I've had a lot of starts and stops on my journey - haven't we all? I was so gung-ho starting this blog back in Jan 2006, thinking the weight would fly off of me. Hehe, yeah right! Honestly, it took me more than six months to really get started. I started the blog at 297, within months I was up (yes up) to 315. I think I really wasn't ready to commit to losing weight when I first started. I guess I just thought that all I needed to do was write about my feeling and everything would take care of itself. So yeah, that didn't work. It was only after gaining weight that I realized I needed to re-access my plan. Once again I tried a program (WW) with little success. The more I thought about it, the more I realized a set program wasn't in the cards for me. I think I have a bit of a rebellious side, so I constantly push the limits of any diet plan I try, which usually means I end up sabotaging myself and gaining the weight back. So that brought me to my current plan - eat less, move more. So simple. No plan, no rules, no punishment, no failure. If I eat a cookie, so what, I ate a cookie. I don't beat myself up anymore over the little slips. I remind myself of my accomplishments - hey, I've lost 33 pounds!!! And I keep reminding myself of all of the reasons I hate being fat. You should do it sometime. Write out the reasons you hate being fat. Do you have 5, 10, 20, or 101 reasons you hate being fat? I think it's a good exercise to actually write them down. Makes your feeling so much more real. For me, I just need to look over my list and realize no amount of food is going to make me feel better about anything. I need to make me feel better. This list has been very motivating for me. It keeps me going when things get rough. It's helped me discover my eating triggers. I'm definitely an emotional eater - can't you tell? So instead of stuffing down my problems, as I had for years, I'm writing about them. Sure food still helps me at the end of a bad day sometimes, but it's not my only comfort anymore. I'm finding other means to comfort and care for myself. We all have pain sometimes, we all have a void sometimes, we all hurt sometimes, but food will only temporarily help. Eventually the serotonin high from the carbs wears off, eventually we go back to feeling bad again, eventually we need to eat more and more to satisfy that craving. And it just doesn't work. And we end up fat and miserable. I can't tell you what will work for you. Maybe you need structure in your plan. Maybe you need the support of a friend. Maybe you need to exercise like a fiend. Maybe you just need to write down your feelings to deal with the pain of everyday life. I don't know. We all need to search within ourselves and find out what we really need to heal our wounded souls. Only then can we start to tackle our weight. So here I am, 33 pounds down, many more to go, but very optimistic of the journey that lies ahead. Thank you so much for listening to my reasons why I hate being fat. Hopefully I can inspire or motivate you to eat less and move more and to cope with life in a different way this time around. This has been a very enlightening year, I hope this coming year is just as good. I wish all of you good luck and happiness! You can do it, you're worth it!

#61 - Back fat!

2007-04-11T08:04:00.000-04:00

OK, I've come to terms with my fat stomach; I've even accepted my big butt and thighs. But come on, why must I have back fat? You know what I mean, those nice little rolls of flubber on each side of your back. The fat that makes your bras look so attractive, by giving you that obvious horizontal back fat roll. I don't care how hard you look to find a bra that fits well, with back fat it always looks bad. I think some people call them love handles (although maybe that's the rolls by your hips - I'm not sure), but what's to love about them? Mmm, I love that I have so much excess fat that I've sprouted fat wings. Yeah, right! I think men are luckier in regards to back fat. Porty men seem to gain weight mainly in their guts (at least at first), but how many men have you seen with back fat? Though maybe it's because of bras that it's so noticeable in women, I don't know. But I guess I should be thankful for the body I have. Who knows, maybe my back fat will save me someday by serving as an emergency life preserver if I should ever fall off a boat or something. And when did I acquire said back fat? I really don't remember when my back got so fat. Though I guess we don't spend a lot of time admiring our backs in the mirror, so I suppose it's easy to miss any changes. But as a thin person I never really thought back fat was in the grand scheme of things. Damn, I really hate being fat!

So I've been successfully chipping away at my mountain of fat to lose one pound at a time. My foray into weight loss seems so different this time. I'm not following some rigid plan, or taking pills, or having surgery, or anything. I just decided it was time to eat less and move more. So simple, but in the past so hard. What changed this time around? I guess it's my whole outlook. Writing this blog has really made me deal with issues I never thought of. Things that were holding me back from losing weight in the past. Don't get me wrong, weight loss is still really hard. It's not like the weight is flying off of me (or my back). I'm losing at a REALLY slow pace this time - only about 1/2 to 1 pound a week, but I'm very happy with the progress. It's not a get-thin-quick plan, which always seems to fail in the end. I mean, who can subsist on a liquid diet the rest of their lives? I'm just making really simple changes that I can easily stick with for life. One really simple thing - eat at least one fruit and veggie a day. I know, it doesn't sound like much, but when you've had a lifetime of pretty much only eating carbs - it's a start. And I'm trying to add exercise into my daily life by doing a little yoga or a few pushups or situps or something, anything to move more than I have in the past. All of these little things do add up. I've managed to lose 33 pounds in a little over six months. I know it's slow, but it's sustainable, which I think is MUCH more important. I don't care if I can lose 100 pounds if I can't maintain it. I guess this time I'm not focusing on the goal, rather I'm focusing on the journey. I know that if I stick to my current path, I will get to my goal in the end. So why worry about some elusive goal weight now? It seems premature. I'll just worry about eating less and moving more and melting away a pound here and a pound there. Then, someday, I won't have to worry about stomach rolls or a bubble butt or even back fat anymore!

And the award goes to...

2007-04-01T12:34:00.000-04:00

Wow, I'm totally flattered! I just found out that I'm a finalist for a 2006 Best of Blog Award! Actually I'm nominated in two categories: Best Health Blog and Best New Blog. Pretty cool, huh? Anyway, I thought I'd better do some campaigning and get you guys to vote for me. How exciting! Votes will be accepted until midnight (EST) Friday, April 13th (ooo, Friday the 13th - spooky). Click on the links above to vote for each category. You can vote once per day. Thanks for all of your support - I love you guys!!!

On a side note, OMG my DSL is out! I'm freaking out! How can one live without a fast internet connection? I'm desperate and have logged on with my snail's pace dial up connection just to get my daily fix! You heard me rant and rave about Second Life in my last post. I haven't been able to log on for 4 days now! Ahhhhh. The wonderful phone company can't seem to figure out what's wrong with the DSL. Great! I've had guys hanging from my phone pole for days. It may take days or weeks (yes, weeks) to figure it out! In desperation, I called the cable company. I will have a new cable modem installed in two weeks. OMG, the thought of not having internet (well, at least fast internet) for two weeks is staggering. The silver lining is that I'll now have a lightening fast cable connection. I never realized just how dependent I had become on the internet until it was taken away from me. *sigh* I suppose I was in need of an internet break anyway. I guess I'll have to go read a book or something!

#60 - Blaming everything on my weight

2007-03-29T17:33:00.000-04:00

So sorry. It has been ages since I posted. I have been very wrapped up in the land of alternate reality, namely Second Life. Ever heard of it? So what is it? To quote them, "Second Life is a 3-D virtual world entirely built and owned by its residents." So what does that mean? Maybe you've read about it or saw it featured on the Today show. Is it a game? Is it like World of Warcraft? Is it a chat program? Is it like the SIMs? Well... sort of. Read this article for more info, there's way too much for me to explain here.

Second Life is so much more than just a game, it's truly a second life. Everyone can sign up for basic account for free and become a "resident". In this world you create your alter ego, "in world" as they say, its called your avatar. So being the tech savvy chick I am, I signed right up and got to work on creating my avatar. Hmm. What should my avatar look like? Do I stick with my real world appearance or go all out designing my dream-world alter ego? It's my second life, right? I went with the latter, creating an avatar that has an uncanny resemblance to Lara Croft Tomb Raider - the vision I hold of myself at my ideal weight.

With my sexy alter ego raring to go, I headed out into Second Life. I started out wandering about, exploring the land, trying to figure out what to do. I found my way to a beautiful island, where everyone was laying out at the beach, enjoying the shining sun. I put on my bikini and joined the fun. The graphics in Second Life (SL) are amazing. Sure it's a bit cartoonish, but the residents are creating more and more realistic things everyday. I sat on the beach watching the waves roll in, listening to the breeze blow through the swaying palms, overhearing people play in the surf. This was truly paradise. I was sitting at my computer, yet I really felt transported to another world. This was a best mini vacation I had had in years. I was getting hooked on this SL lifestyle. I kept wandering around finding more fun and interesting things to do. A big part of the world is interacting with other people. As I wandered around I found that everyone I chatted with was EXTREMELY friendly. Everyone seems eager to help each other figure things out, like how do I use the program or where can I get new clothes for my avatar or what is there to do. I think the friendly people of the world are totally over-represented in SL. Surprisingly there seems to be many people from all over the world. Being from the US, I was expecting it to mostly be Americans, I was wrong. I've talked with people from the UK, France, Italy, Germany, Australia, the Netherlands, and China (to name a few). In fact, I don't think I've met anyone from the US yet.

Does this alternate reality sound too good to be true? Maybe. Everything is owned by the residents, so things can get pretty wild. Imagine a world with no rules. This environment really brings out the best and worst in people. You must have your blinders on if you're abject to the adult industry. SL is riddled with escorts, strippers, porn, and sex, but it's pretty easy to avoid it if you want to. One thing I've found is that it's easy to be brave in SL, no one knows who you really are, right? Complete anonymity. I surprised myself and ended up working as a dancer in a bar for a bit, earning a little bit of money (the world has it's own currency that you can buy with $USD or get a job and earn it like real life - the exchange rate rocks, so you get a lot for your buck). When in my real life would I ever dance in a bar? Never! But it was fun! I was surprised. I find I'm doing things here I would never do in my real life. It's so much fun!

The world is organized into islands. It's easy to get around because you can teleport to specific places with the touch of a button. Wouldn't that be nice? The islands are owned and run by the residents, often having some kind of theme. They have shopping malls, night clubs, casinos, race tracks, island resorts, you name it. The themes can get a bit extreme though. There are even Goth lands, where everyone is dressed in black and acts accordingly. They have islands with role playing, where people dress up and act out some scenario like Medieval times or ballroom dancing. I've seen groups where everyone pretends to be vampires. If you can think it up, you can probably find it. There is something here for everyone. Since it's a resident run world, anything goes. You can even get in on the action and buy an island for yourself. But it will cost you. It's about $1700 US to buy one these islands. Ouch! Don't think I'll be buying land anytime soon. But here's the up side - you can rent. I've done just that. I rented a beach front bungalow in my Second Life all for the cost of... about $1.50 a week. Not bad for my own little slice of paradise, huh? Why would I want to rent a house? I don't know, it's a fun little escape from my real life. I've been busy decorating my little home with things like a hot tub and fancy stereo equipment. All the things I don't have in real life.

So what on Earth does this have to do with reason #60 - I hate blaming everything on my weight? A lot actually. In the real world, I'm a fat chick. No getting around that. I tend to blame all of my problems on my weight. I can't find a man because I'm fat. I can't do activities like I used to because I'm fat. I don't socialize because I'm fat. I think everything that's wrong with me is because I'm fat. But is that true? Would I truly be completely happy if I was thin? Would all of my problems miraculously vanish as I approach my ideal weight? I don't know, I don't think so. With SL I'm able to get a glimpse from the other side, I guess it's a bit of an experiment you might say. In SL, I'm able to live as a thin person. No one there knows I'm fat. Everyone thinks I'm this beautiful, skinny, outgoing woman. So does this mean I'm completely happy in my SL? Nope, not really. It's great, but I still get jealous when my SL boyfriend (yes, I have an SL boyfriend - lol) talks to other girls. I feel left out when I'm not a part of the conversation around me. Sometimes in SL I even feel a bit lonely because I'm just not the type to walk up to total strangers and start a conversation. Even my skinny alter ego has problems. What has my Second Life taught me? No matter what size I am I will always have problems. No one leads a charmed life. How many skinny girls have you met that are completely happy with their bodies? Not many I'm sure. Everyone is unhappy about something, we just need to work at it, get over our hangups and phobias. I can't keep blaming every one of my problems on my weight. I just have to get out there and live my life, head held high. No one's life is perfect, whether it be your real life or your Second Life. I actually think my Second Life is helping me in my real life, it's really motivating me to keep up the healthy lifestyle. For one thing it's helping me snack less, I've shifted from couch potato to mouse potato. I eat in front of the TV, but I never eat at the computer. Second Life is also making me realize that people truly like me when they get to know me - I never thought I could be this popular. It's even giving me more confidence in my real life. I guess it just gives me a platform to try things out before I do them in real life. I'm having so much fun pretending to be skinny! I just think of it as practice for when I hit my goal weight! Look out Lara Croft, here I come.

A word of caution: SL can be quite addicting. I've heard of some people spending up to 24 hours straight online. That's not good. Your Second Life should not get in the way of your real life, ever. Your Second Life should not become your only life. But if you ever wanted to walk in someone else's shoes, here's your chance.

#59 - My poor feet

2007-03-17T15:41:00.000-04:00

Before I tell you about reason #59 why I hate being fat, I need to share a little victory. I've been schlepping around town in these jeans that are very, very big on me, clearly a sign that I'm losing weight. I've been trying to make them last. You know, I don't want to spend tons of money on new clothes, so I try to make the old ones last as long as possible. Anyway, I went to Avenue yesterday for some new duds. I must tell you I was totally elated when I slipped on a pair of size 22's...and they fit. This was such a victory because the last pair of jeans I bought were 26's. I couldn't believe it. I actually skipped a size. Yipee!!! It's victories like these that make the whole weight loss process bearable. On a side note, while my waistline has been whittling down, my weight doesn't want to budge. I guess the scale sometimes lies! I'll take a smaller size any day over a few pounds lost on the scale!

OK, so onto reason #59 - my poor feet. As a large gal, I carry around a huge amount of excess weight, at my highest weight like 140 pounds extra! Imagine carrying around a 140 pound backpack - ugh! All this weight pounds down on my poor feet with every step I take. This leads to tired, sore, calloused feet. My poor aching dogs! When I was a skinny young thing I never worried about calloused feet. I had beautiful, soft, lovely feet. Now I'm embarrassed to run around barefoot in front of people. I try desperately hard to keep up with the callous production by giving myself little home pedicures. But at my highest weight, home pedicures were a challenge, having to reach down to my feet, my big belly in the way. So the callouses built up and made my feet look like an awful mess. I was utterly embarrassed when I had an appointment with my neurologist who asked me to remove my shoes and socks. I hadn't expected to be showing my feet to my neurologist. At least I didn't think my brain was in my feet. But a part of a full neuro exam including poking and prodding pretty much every corner of my body, feet included. So I slipped off my socks and the doctor ran a probe over my feet to check my reflexes. I sat there thinking that my feet must look awful, I hadn't put on any lotion and my callouses had been especially bad at that time. To my horror, the doctor looks up at me and says that a women of my size needs to take extra care of their feet because callouses can become cracks, which can then become infected, which in a diabetic might be hard to heal. I was mortified. I know he was just concerned, but God, why did he make me take off my socks? I knew my feet were awful. I really didn't need reminding. I had seen my neurologist at my highest weight, when I having a bit of trouble with foot care, so my feet were definitely at their worst. From that day on, I swore I would take better care of my poor feet.

One option for foot pampering is a professional pedicure. Though not cheap, it is a nice indulgence. Being a fat chick, I shied away from salons in the past. I've touched on my thoughts on salons before. The thought of someone looking at my fat feet is embarrassing. Not only are my feet chubby, I have gross calloused heels. I had my first pedicure in preparation for my friend's wedding (see Fat Bridesmaid). I was hesitant, but as I slipped my feet into the divine bubbling water, my fears slipped away. The pedicure was wonderful, and I ended up loving every minute of it. I wish I had the cash to get one every week! The only time I was self-conscious was when the technicians, who were working on all the wedding party, turned to each other and started chatting away. As the little Asian woman scrubbed away at my callouses with some serious muscle, she turned to her co-worker and commented and laughed in Vietnamese (I think). What on Earth did she say? "Oh my, look at this fat one's feet. Eewww." Of course, this is what I envisioned she had said, but I guess I'll never know. Maybe she was just chatting to pass the time, telling her friend about her date last night or something. I don't know. But my insecurity was sure she was making fun of me. Realistically these pedicure technicians must see the worst of everyone's feet. Imagine all the old grannies with yellowed toenails, crusty skin, and unknown fungi. Yuck! That must be much worse for them. My feet were probably a pleasant change. In fact, I was so self-conscious about the pedicure, that I actually did a home pedi the night before my real pedi. Silly, isn't it? So I'm sure my feet looked pretty nice, and I'm pretty sure the technician wasn't even talking about me. Who knows?

Now that I've lost a bit of weight (about 30 pounds), I can do my own pedicures at home. My pesky belly isn't such a problem anymore (another non-scale victory I guess). I've managed to keep the callouses to a minimum and pamper my feet with all kinds of fancy lotions everyday. I'm sure they thank me for the TLC after the hard day I've put them through, lugging my body around. I really would love to get down to a weight again where foot care isn't such a big issue, where a pedicure is a luxury not a necessity, and where callouses come from new shoes and not a fat body. Another reason I hate being fat!

On a side note... OMG, you must watch this video about nail salons - totally hilarious!

#58 - Being the fat bridesmaid

2007-03-10T16:27:00.000-05:00

Thanks Fat Bridesmaid, you totally reminded me of yet another reason I hate being fat - being the fat bridesmaid. Two years ago I was a bridesmaid in my great friend Kat E's wedding. It was a picture perfect wedding set in the woods on a brisk fall afternoon. All of the bridesmaids were dressed in beautiful sable colored satin gowns with chartreuse shoulder wraps (yes, that's brown and green). The dresses were absolutely beautiful, especially set against the woodland flora. I should have felt like a fairy princess with my up-do and satin pumps, but instead I felt like a fat frumpy mess. Yes folks, I was the fat bridesmaid. I think fat people desperately try to blend into the background to prevent people from seeing and then ridiculing the fatness But as a bridesmaid you have to be front and center with the wedding party, hundreds of people watching you, the center of attention (well, slightly to the side center of attention - I wasn't the bride after all). Not only was I contending with the old adage "always a bridesmaid, never a bride", I was also dealing with the sting of being the fat bridesmaid. To top it off the bride's thin little sister was also a bridesmaid. Damn! I would have to stand next to a skinny mini, making my fat even more pronounced. This wasn't even the worst of it.

My dress became the bane of my existence before the wedding. When I ordered my dress eight months before the big day I was at my lowest weight in sometime (I had recently lost 75 pounds). Then I got very ill (I got meningitis), and was bed-ridden for a couple months. One crappy side effect of my recovery was rapid weight gain. I put on fifty, yes fifty, pounds before the wedding. Luckily one the bridesmaids ordered a dress that was WAY too big for her, so we swapped dresses. When the swapped dress arrived in the mail I tried it on and it fit great...but that was a couple months before the wedding...and I was still gaining weight. I was trying desperately hard to lose weight, but my efforts were in vain as I was still trying to recover from meningitis. I tried the dress on again...a little tighter...again...even tighter. Then I stopped trying on the dress. I don't know what I thought would happen. Would the wedding fairy come down and grant me a tiny butt for the wedding day until midnight when it would suddenly burst into it's original bulbous pumpkin shape? I guess I was in denial. The wedding day was approaching. I stared at the dress, an ever present reminder of my failing diet attempts. Then a week before the wedding I tried on the dress again. It didn't fit...at all. It wasn't an issue of too tight, it was an issue of I couldn't even attempt zipping it up all the way. Oh shit! What now? It was clearly too late to get a new dress. Would a body shaper help? I looked high and low for corsets and other waist cinching devices, but even these wouldn't do the trick. The dress was just too small. It was too late to go to a tailor (the wedding was days away). Besides, just letting out the seams wasn't going to help. I needed more material to fill the chasm between the zipper. Thank God my mom is a great seamstress. I come from a long line of seamstresses. My grandma and my great-grandma were professional seamstresses. I was praying for a miracle. Could my mom save the day? We scoured fabric stores searching for chocolate colored satin to match the dress. This fabric was too shiny, this was the wrong brown, this satin was too dull. Argh! But FINALLY we found a relatively good match. My mom spent the next couple nights sewing in extra panels into the back seam to accommodate my expanding waist. I slipped on the altered dress. Zzziiippp. It zipped up with no trouble. Thank God. The dress fit! The alterations were barely noticeable, at least you didn't notice them unless you were told it was altered. I was still worried people would notice, but I was VERY thankful that we had wraps to cover our shoulders. The wrap completely covered up the alterations! It was traumatic, but everything turned out OK.

I was feeling great and confident...until I left the hotel room. Then my mind started racing. I realized I was the fat bridesmaid. Would I be the fattest person there? What would the guests think of me? Would Kat E have even asked me to be a bridesmaid if she knew I would have gotten so fat? Was I going to ruin her wedding pictures? Then I was walking down the aisle thinking, "Don't fall down, don't trip, don't be known as the fat bridesmaid that fell on her ass." It was torture. Of course, it was all self torture. I'm sure everyone was focused on the happy couple and the beautiful surroundings. At the reception I had to make a formal entrance with the wedding party. More Torture. Ah, don't look at me, I'm the fat bridesmaid! We even had to do the obligatory wedding party dance. That was OK, but my escort wasn't the best dancer. What was he thinking? "Oh damn, I have to dance with the fat one." The rest of the day went off without a hitch. It was a beautiful wedding, it was a great party, and I had a wonderful time. In fact, I think I ended up looking a bit like the heavy Anna Nicole Smith with my big jugs cresting over the top of my gown. I really psyched myself out about being the fat bridesmaid. In the end, it wasn't a big deal. It was only a big deal in my head. But I must say, if I'm ever asked to be in another wedding I WILL lose weight, because I refuse to be the fat bridesmaid again!

Kat E - I thank you SO much for including me in your wedding! I don't regret a moment of that day. I really did have fun in the end despite my chubby predicament. I was just so worried about marring your wedding and your pictures. I know you love me for who I am, not how I look. But you know how our crazy brains work. Maybe someday when I get down to my goal weight, we should pull out our dresses and get some more pictures taken. Just a thought. :)

#57 - The bathroom scale!

2007-03-04T11:13:00.000-05:00

I think we all have a phobia of our bathroom scale. Will all my hard work of diet and exercise be reflected on the bathroom scale? Did I lose any weight after that 3 mile run? Will I gain ten pounds from that box of doughnuts I ate yesterday? How many times have you weighed yourself twice in one day, three times, four, ten, more? We all play the bathroom scale dance, repeatedly weighing ourselves and moving the scale around our homes. If I move the scale to the far side of the bathroom, will I weigh less? Or if I put the scale in the hallway, will I see a lower number? Why do we do this to ourselves? Do we really think it's possible to lose weight every single day? It's not!

Aside from this "normal" scale craziness, I have another fear of the scale. Will my bathroom scale hold me? Am I over the limit of my scale? I think for a lot of people 300+ this is a real issue. Most bathroom scales have a weight limit around 300 pounds. When I started this weight loss endeavor I had a really hard time finding a bathroom scale to hold me because I topped the scales at 315 pounds (at least I think it was about 315, but I really didn't have a good scale). I went on a hunt through Target and WalMart, Bed Bath and Beyond and Linens 'n Things. Most of the scales I found had a 300 pound capacity. I finally found a non-digital, traditional dial faced scale that held 330 pounds. I bought it, but I really didn't like the scale. The accuracy sucked! Lean a little to the left, gain 12 pounds. Lean forward, lose 30 pounds. Lean back, and boy o boy, I weighed 180 pounds! Every time I would weigh myself, even if I tried to stand straight and tall and in the same position every time, I would get a different number, usually in a ten pound range. I knew I wasn't gaining and losing ten pounds in a single day, so I knew the scale sucked. I wondered if I was pushing the scales to its limits. The capacity was 330, but I weighed 315 (I think), was my weight really too much for the scale? Or was it inaccurate just because I was at the high end of the weight limit? Or God forbid, was I over 330? I don't know, what I do know is that I was having a really hard time tracking my weight loss. It's really discouraging to cut calories all week only to see your scale tell you you gained five pounds. Argh! I know there are really nice heavy duty scales out there, but they usually cost a pretty penny. I'm on a SUPER tight budget, so a new scale would have to be cheap. But cheap scales suck.

One way I knew I was losing weight was from visits to the doctor's office (getting weighed at the doctor is a whole other story). At least they had a relatively accurate scale, and sure enough, according to that scale I was losing. Then one day I tried one of my old bathroom scales, one that said "ERR" when I used to get on it because I was over the limit. Oh my God, the scale read 298. I was under 300 pounds! Then I compared my weight on this scale to my doctor's scale. Based on how much the doctor showed I had lost I was able to determine that my 'before' weight was about 315 (I think). What a huge hassle to try to keep track of your weight loss!!! Now I'm using my old scale, very happily seeing the numbers go down and down (and under 300 pounds!!!!). I'm pleased with it's current reading of 287. I know it's still a lot, but at least the numbers are now going in the right direction! Down!

This whole scale fiasco made me realize yet another thing I really hated about being fat. I hated my bathroom scale! And I hated that when I was at my heaviest I needed a special scale. I'm not condoning that bathroom scale manufacturers of the world start making bathroom scales hold up to 500 pounds as their standard or anything. I think I'm just angry with myself that I let my weight get this out of control, to the point where I couldn't even weigh myself accurately. But really, did I need a scale to tell me how fat I was? Nope, I think my tight clothes were indication enough that I was fat and getting fatter. When my weight really started getting out of hand, I stopped weighing myself. Denial? Yep! Maybe if I had been weighing myself regularly and been more accountable for my weight, maybe that would have helped me. Nah, probably not. I mean, I knew what I weighed at 200 or 250 or even as I approached 300 and that didn't stop me.

But anyway, now that I can weigh myself relatively accurately again, do I still play all those bathroom scale games? You bet I do! I probably will no matter what weight I am. I just don't know why I think that weighing myself three times in a row will help me lose weight. Third time's the charm? I guess that's my reasoning, however crazy! Do I still hate my bathroom scale? I think hate is too a strong word to describe my relationship with my scale now. Loathe? Despise? Abhor? Fear? Tolerate? Maybe sometimes. But some days I think I like or even love the scale. You know those days! We're so wrapped up in numbers , like clothing size and weight. But really in the end, weight is just a number. Weight doesn't always reflect how hard we've worked. Weight can't reflect how we feel about ourselves. I hope that someday I can put away the scale and just be happy with my healthy self. I really want this journey to be about health and not some elusive number. But for now weight is one physical way I can measure my success.

#56 - Fat bigots

2007-02-28T14:24:00.000-05:00

Fat is one of the last socially acceptable prejudices. We have politically correct names for everything. People aren't retarded, they're mentally challenged. You can't call someone a cripple, they're handicapped. We don't call 'em poor people anymore, now they're low-income. Even crazy people are now schizophrenic or bipolar or manic depressive. What about fat? Nope, no politically correct terminology here, just fat. People aren't allowed to be bigots anymore, at least not in public. But this doesn't hold true for fat. I mean, who hasn't heard a fat joke recently?

Fat people are totally discriminated against in the workplace. Did you know that fat people earn significantly less money than thin people (about $6000 less/year!)? If employers are given a choice between hiring a well qualified heavy person versus a less qualified thin person, they will most likely hire the thin person. The reasons behind this are that fat people will make the company look bad. This hiring discrimination is particularly true for high exposure jobs such as receptionist or sales, where the employee would frequently come into contact with the public. Also, fat people tend to have higher incidences of disease (like diabetes and heart disease) and will therefore theoretically miss more work, leading to reduced productivity. Also, all those visits to the doctor will cost the employer more in health care costs. So really, it all come down to the almighty dollar - fat people cost too much, either through increased health care costs, reduced productivity or the fact that your obesity will repulse and turn away all potential clients. I was reading this article about fat discrimination in the journal Obesity the other day and I had to quote them. "Overweight employees are assumed to lack self-discipline,be lazy, less conscientious, less competent, sloppy, disagreeable,and emotionally unstable. Obese employees are also believedto think slower, have poorer attendance records, and be poor rolemodels" (Puhl et al., 2001). Doesn't that just hit you with a ton of bricks? That really hits me. Can you believe this is what people think? It really hurts to hear this, but it makes me want to change my appearance. So I guess these misconceptions, however negative, are motivating.

I think the major misconception of fat people is that they are lazy, stupid people that eat like pigs. In fact, obese people often eat less than thin people (of course it also means they're probably exercising less too). This ignorance doesn't take into account genetics or aliments. Being fat is seen as a life-style choice. So the thought is: you brought this on yourself so you are a totally acceptable target for ridicule. It's the blame game. You made yourself fat so you'll have to deal with discrimination. Too bad. I didn't purposefully subscribe to the super-size me plan. Weight comes on gradually. 5 pounds here, 10 pounds there, up and up by little increments until, before you know it, you hit 200 or 300 or more. I didn't choose to be fat. For me it was a combination of lack of exercise, genetics, insulin insensitivity (hypoglycemia - which forces me to eat frequently), a bad habit of emotional eating, and a love for chocolaty good desserts. I wish I would have known that if I would have committed a little more effort to diet and exercise as a young person, I could have avoided obesity in the first place. Obesity wasn't a choice, it just happened.

By no means am I running out and joining my nearest fat acceptance association. I hate being fat! For some reason these fat loving organizations make me cringe. It's true, becoming fat isn't a choice, BUT you do have a choice to do something about it and change. It's not healthy to be fat. You'll have bad joints, and probably end up with diabetes, heart disease or a stroke. I just can't condone the idea of loving being fat. Don't get me wrong, I love myself, I just don't love my fat. There is nothing wrong with learning to love yourself no matter what weight you are, but becoming complacent and deciding you'll be fat forever doesn't seem right. I just hate it when I hear about a fat person trying to get disability. It took simple changes in our diet and activity that caused us to get fat, so it should take simple changes to lose weight. Sure little changes won't result in dramatic and fast weight loss, but over time you'll get healthy. It doesn't need to become a disability. I hate to say it, but I think I often buy into these stereotypes of the obese. When I see someone much fatter than me, I think to myself, "Why can't they just eat less and exercise?" I'm sure everyone thinner than me thinks the exact same thing about me.

Fat bigots aren't going away. They will be there forever. I guess we just need to ignore their ridicule and gain strength from their evil comments and agendas. But I guess, in the end, if you want a job or a raise or a promotion you'd better lose some weight!

I love lists!

2007-02-27T15:22:00.000-05:00

Clearly I'm one to make lists, as this blog so obviously conveys. But I also makes lots and lots of lists in my everyday life. Grocery list, to do list, wish list, work to do list, my goal list, etc., etc. So I was browsing the net today and came across an article that I thought deserved mentioning, since it was, you guessed it, a list. Yahoo news had this article from Prevention Magazine about the 100 Smartest Diet Tips Ever. They've complied a list of common sense tips regarding weight loss. We've heard most of these before, but they're definitely worth reviewing from time to time to help jump start a stagnating diet plan or bust through a plateau. My favorite is #3 "Resolve never to supersize your food portions - unless you want to supersize your clothes". Anyway, it's a great list, take a peek.

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I've been having a lot of fun using a virtual weight simulator. You've probably seen these before, but if you haven't it's fun! How do you like my before and afters? I'm already 28 pounds down from the before, so I'm definitely still a work in progress.

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So I've been using this AWESOME free online diet program for the past few weeks, Spark People. Maybe you saw the little button show up on the right recently. In the past I've used Weight Watchers Online, but money is super tight, so I couldn't fork out the cash for a diet plan. I was referred to Spark People by other diet bloggers, who very enthusiastically recommended them. I was reluctant, I mean how great could it be? And what's with the name, Spark People? It sounds like some kind of cult or something. But I decided to try it and it turns out it's super great! My fellow web-dieters were right. You can track your nutrition, they have a huge list of food comparable to WW Online, Nutrition Data, and Calorie-Count. You can track your fitness, not only cardio, but also strength training. But best of all, is that they supply a diet plan (a very reasonable calorie range), meal plans (for those of us with little creativity when dieting), and a fitness plan (it's like a personal trainer). They have tons of articles on nutrition, fitness, motivation, health and wellbeing. They have a huge community with lots of supportive message boards covering virtually every topic. You can even join a team and lose weight together. They have a great selection of healthy recipes, and they even have a recipe builder so you can calculate the calories in your favorite homemade sticky buns! And what does all of this cost? Nothing! It's free! They have private sponsors, so yes, there are ads. But hey, it's free! So I'm joining the ranks of my fellow bloggers and shouting from the rooftops about this great website. Check it out, I bet you'll love it. And you know what? They have lots and lots of lists. I love it!

#55 - I'm too young to feel this old!

2007-02-23T19:53:00.000-05:00

Stiff joints, bad knees, short of breath, weak, tires easily, not able to walk long distances, issues with blood sugar control, and high blood pressure. Does this sound like the description of a 32 year old woman? It is. It's me! I am way too young to feel this damn old! I should be running around enjoying the prime of my life. Instead, I need to rest and conserve my energy as I deal with health issues (health issues brought upon me from excess weight). How did I ever let my weight get this out of control? It's like all this weight mysteriously sneaked up on me. Didn't I notice I was starting to have health problems? Or did I get fat first, and then the problems showed up? I just can't remember. I have fat amnesia. "Doctor, I just don't know how it happened. I don't remember gaining any weight. I was 150 one day, 300 the next. What happened to me?" I fear this amnesia has cost me my youth. I'm to the point now where I don't remember being young and healthy. How sad.

I was at the doctor today for a check up on my high blood pressure. Good news, my new exercise and diet regime has allowed me to drop my blood pressure 10 points in two weeks. Yeah exercise! I say 'yeah' because my success means I don't need to go on blood pressure meds. Anyway, as I was sitting in the waiting room I watched an elderly couple pass by, the little woman shuffling along with her husband following behind slowly with his cane. I shit you not, as I watched the old man walk by I actually thought to myself, 'Man, a cane would make walking so much easier.' Are you kidding me? I was actually jealous of this poor 80 year old man with the cane? Have I gotten so fat and lazy that I think walking with a cane would help me out? Lunacy! Pure lunacy. What's next? Will I fantasize about using a walker? Yeah that's it. I've got the perfect million dollar idea: market walkers to the obese. Who wants to rely on their own muscle power to walk when you can make it so much easier with a walker? But what should I call it? The Chubby Strider? The Fat-So-Glide? The Stout Waddler? I really hate the idea of products that help accommodate the obese. I know, I should be a little more compassionate. Some fat people really do need specialized products to help them cope with life. But ultimately losing weight would mean those special products wouldn't be needed in the first place. So, yeah, in principle I hate these fat products. I don't ever want to use a walker, that is, unless I'm 90 or something and still kickin'.

I'm never going to feel younger unless I get this weight issue under control. I really have been working hard to eat better, limiting simple carbs, eating more fruits and veggies and lean meats. And I've started exercising again. I got a new elliptical trainer in my house which is turning out to be a lot of fun. It's so easy to squeeze a little exercise in while watching TV. I've also started doing some strength training. More muscle = more calories burned. I'm starting small, I'm starting slow, but hey, at least I'm starting. I think when you look at big goals, like losing 50 or 100 or 150 pounds, it seems impossible. How can you lose so much weight? But then if you make really small goals, like eat healthier, exercise a little, weight loss will eventually come. I think a lot of people race to lose their weight, losing 3+ pounds a week. Like those people on Biggest Loser. They lose 10-20 pounds a week! That seems great and all, but what will happen to them 5 years from now? Experts say slow, steady weight loss is more likely maintainable, while rapid losers usually gain their weight back. So I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm trying to focus on health and wellbeing right now. If I adopt healthy behaviors I will lose weight, albeit slowly, but surely. I hope that my slow and steady method will mean that I will be able to maintain a healthy weight. I know that if I keep working at it, one day I'll feel young again!

#54 - Not being able to go to a spa

2007-02-20T07:54:00.000-05:00

OK, I guess I could go to a spa, but I really wouldn't be comfortable at all . My achy body longs for a deep Swedish massage, but I would just never do it. I mean seriously, do I really want to get naked in front of some stranger at my weight? I have a whole host of reasons why I wouldn't go to a spa in addition to the fear of having people view my blubbery nakedness. Like, would the massage table be able to hold my weight? I'm serious! I worry that I'd hop up on the the table only to crash down to the floor with a ground shaking thud. I know, it's stupid. But still, I worry. And what would a spa charge me for a massage? Would they charge more for extra square footage? I guess it would take a technician longer to massage my big body, right? Again, silly, I know. And what would the technician be thinking as they walk into my room. "Oh God, another heifer!" I would hate to be the fat one all the masseurs talked about on their coffee break. Another thing is that at my weight it's hard to reach my back when scrubbing down with the loofah in the shower. I worry that if I got a massage the technician may encounter some bacne (back acne). Again, stupid, irrational, but something I think about. And I think of those teeny tiny robes they have which I would never fit into. This reminds me of a time I went to this posh salon, where they have you change into robes and slippers and pamper you like crazy. I was MUCH thinner then (like 75 pounds thinner). I went into the little dressing room, got undressed and put on the little robe. I could barely tie the robe shut. Every time I moved, the robe would pucker open to show off my boobs (I was wearing a bra though). I was so self-conscious the whole time they cut my hair. I held the robe shut the entire time I was in the salon. I just couldn't wait for the pampering to end, it was miserable! So I think of going to a spa or salon like that now at my current weight, and I think that they would NEVER have a teeny tiny robe to fit me. So yep, it keeps me from going to the spa.

It's so stupid, but my weight even keeps me away from the nail salon. What, I have fat nails? No, it's just that I hate having the technicians paw at my little sausage fingers. It's embarrassing. I guess I'm just uncomfortable in pretty much any public situation. I'm just nervous having to sit on their chairs - are they sturdy enough? I'm embarrassed to be around all those skinny women, clients and technicians - I always think they're looking at and judging my fat physique. And the complimentary neck massage? Torture! I keep thinking about their hands on my fat neck, thinking 'what are they thinking about my fat neck?'. I just don't want people touching me. Going to a salon or spa is supposed to be this amazingly relaxing experience, but for me, it's torture. I've been trying to come up with things to reward myself with as I lose weight. You know, lose 5 pounds, get a manicure. But these traditional rewards are no reward for me. So what am I supposed to reward myself with? I can only give myself so many bubble baths! I guess going to the spa will have to be a reward for when I'm closer to goal.

#53 - The waddle

2007-02-17T10:35:00.000-05:00

I hate that when I'm this heavy I waddle. You know the walk, somewhere between the walk of a pregnant woman and a duck. No disrespect to pregnant women, you can't help that you waddle. I, on the other hand, am the cause of my waddling saunter. I mean really, I feel like a Weeble. Remember Weebles? "Weebles wobble but they don't fall down." Those toy people with the rounded base, so they wobble around when you play with them. That's pretty much how feel. When I'm walking around, and I think someone is watching, I try desperately hard to walk perfectly straight. That really irritates me, that I worry about how I look when I walk. I know the source of my Charlie Chaplin-esque walk, it's my big belly. To support the Buddha belly, I think I lean back a bit; therefore when I walk forward, I waddle. How stupid! And I know that the more tired I am, the more pronounced the waddle. I guess we get lazy lugging all this fat around.

I know this reason fits into a long line of my - fat - makes - me - self - conscious - self - esteem - issues, but still, it really annoys me! I mean don't I have enough to worry about being fat, now I have to worry about the fact that I waddle like a duck, too. Remember the days of being taught to walk perfectly straight, being able to place a book on your head without it falling? I think I would fail miserably at that task right now. But I think that's what makes us so self-conscious. We envision runway models, tall, lean, poised and able to walk confidently in a perfectly straight line. I guess we're all aspiring to attain that confident model walk. But then when you step out all confident, thinking you could do anything, then you start to waddle; it kind of crushes those poised aspirations. I guess that's what it really comes down to. I just don't feel poised or elegant when I'm this heavy. How can I be? I think the words 'poised' and 'elegant' go hand in hand with 'long' and 'lean', not 'pudgy' and 'stout'. So I guess reason #53 should be, more eloquently, that I hate that it's impossible to be poised and elegant when I'm fat.

#52 - The power food has over me!

2007-02-14T09:16:00.000-05:00

I'm staying home from work today since it's a bit of a snow day. Actually it's a sleet day, and I don't want to drive on the slippery streets. So I'm sitting here eating my breakfast, and I start to think about what I want to make for dinner tonight. Then I think that since it's so cold, maybe it would be nice to have the oven on and bake something. But what about lunch? What should I make for lunch? Then it occurs to me. It's 9 am and I'm already planning my food day, I mean my snow day. I hate the power food has over me. I always seem to be thinking about and planning my next meal. Whether or not I'm on a diet, food is front and center in my life. I hate that! I think a lot of people blissfully float through the day only thinking of food when their tummies begin to grumble. I would love to be like that! It really is days like today that I need to fight off the need to graze all day long. That's probably true for many people. You're home, you're bored, you eat. Maybe instead of planning my food day I should be planning to do other stuff around the house to keep me busy. Maybe it's time to knit some socks, or maybe I should organize my office, there's always laundry, or even cleaning the cat box. Whatever I do, I really need to try to keep myself busy today! Hopefully I can't distract my brain from constantly thinking about food.

But it's not just boredom that makes me reach for yummy treats, it's pretty much any emotion. Are you like this too? Do you find yourself reaching for chips when you're sad, mad, glad, or, frankly, feeling any other emotion? I sure do! I think this behavior gets set up early in life, at least it did for me. Woo hoo, you got an A on your report card; let's go out to eat. Ah your boyfriend broke up you; have a cupcake. I know you're stressed out trying get your paper done; let me fix you something to eat. This probably started out with my parents and grandparents giving me treats when I needed comforting, but eventually I learned to self-medicate with food myself. We probably get introduced to emotion eating from celebrations. We always have special cakes on our birthdays, or a special treat for a job well done like getting a good report card or scoring a goal for the soccer team. We eat for these good emotions. We're happy, excited, elated. Then someone eventually gives us something to eat to help us heal. You're sick? Here's some chicken soup. You're sad? Here's some cookies. So these friendly gestures ended up turning into me trying to fix my emotional issues with food. I'm sad, I need a cookie. I'm stressed out, I need some chips. I'm bored, I need to go look in the cupboards for something to eat. I'm tired, I need something to eat then I'll feel more energy. Somewhere along the line I went from saying "I want something to eat", to saying "I NEED something to eat". Food has become this guiding force in my life. It's taken over a big part of me. I hate that! I hate that food has such a power over me!

So what can I do? I guess I need to re-learn how to cope with emotions. Like today, I'm bored, therefore I need to find ways to keep myself busy. And if I do bake something today? Well, then I need to eat whatever I make in moderation - no half a pan of brownies for me! Most of all I can't beat myself up if I do end up turning to food sometimes. It's gonna happen. If I feel guilty about it, I'll probably self-destruct and just eat more. I guess I just need to take baby steps. Try not to let food dominate my life. Listen to music if I'm sad. Workout if I'm frustrated. Knit or clean or read when I'm bored. And to celebrate? Well I'm still gonna have cake on my birthday! You can't give up food in every situation.

#51 - Feeling like my life is on hold

2007-02-10T14:26:00.000-05:00

I think many of us heavy-set folk feel like we're not fully participating in life. It's like the fat has put us on hold. I know this is true for many people in different walks of life, thick or thin, but I think it's particularly true for fat people. I definitely say things like, when I'm thinner, I'll do this or I'll do that. But I think I have other circumstances that put my life on hold too. I'm still in school at 32, so I feel like I've been perpetually in school since I was 5 years old. That has really put my adult life on hold. I'm not married, I don't own a home, I don't yet have a job. I think these things also contribute to me feeling like my life is on hold. But I think the main reason I put things off is my weight. I think I impose many many limits on what I can and can't do, solely based on my weight. Why is this?

I know it's easy to put things off because of a limitation like being fat, but really, is it just an excuse not to live? Do we get so wrapped up in our weight or our weight loss that we stop participating in the world around us? I know that people with addictions tend to recoil from the world, getting lost in their substance abuse or unhealthy lifestyle. Is being fat the same thing? Have I recoiled from the world, unable to fully participate in the world around me because I'm fat? My question is, why? Why do we do this to ourselves? Is it the embarrassment of being fat in a thin world, knowing people look at you different? Is it because you're just so tired lugging all this fat around that you don't have the energy to do anything more than you have to? I don't know. For me, I think it's a little of both of these reasons, embarrassment and lack of energy.

I think it's easy to live in the future. When I get married then I'll... When I graduate I'll... When I have a job... When I move... When I lose weight... Maybe I shouldn't be so worried that me life is on hold. It's not! I'm alive aren't I? I'm living my life everyday, don't I? What's on hold? Sure, I have dreams and aspirations, but my fat isn't holding me back from these things. I'll graduate, I'll get a job, I'll move somewhere, I'll probably even get married someday. And I'll be able to do ALL of these things whether I'm fat or thin. I think we have to remember the now. To be happy now. To enjoy life now. To live life now. Sure we might be fat, but we can still be happy with our lives no matter what the scale says. Don't let anything hold you back!

#50 - High Blood Pressure

2007-02-08T18:13:00.000-05:00

I hate that at this weight I have high blood pressure. I know it doesn't seem like such a big deal, but it really shows how out of shape and unhealthy my body really is. My poor body is screaming for me to lose weight, and so far I've been ignoring the warning signs. Recently my blood pressure has been creeping up and up. I noticed that I get flushed really easily, especially in the afternoons. Today I checked my blood pressure while having one of these flushes, and it was 170/110! Christ that's high! I've always been borderline high blood pressure, hovering in the 130/85-150/95 range. But 170/110, that's real high blood pressure. There's nothing borderline about that (note: normal blood pressure is 120/80, with high blood pressure over 140/90). I definitely haven't been drinking enough water lately, and I know I'm eating way too much salt, and I recently went back on birth control pills (which in the past have notoriously raised my bp), but I'm sure my weight is a big part of the problem.

Most people don't worry about their blood pressure until they've had some kind of problem like a heart attack or stroke or something. I'm starting to pay attention now, because I don't want to be one of those statistics. You know the ones, fat 30-somethings dying from weight-related causes. I think of famous people that have died from obesity, and it makes me worried that as I get older I'm dodging death everyday. Chris Farley died at 33. He died of a drug overdose, but his autopsy revealed heart disease was a major underlying factor in his death. John Candy died in his sleep at 43 from a massive heart attack due to his obesity. Cass Elliot (AKA Mama Cass) was rumored to have died choking on a ham sandwich, but her autopsy showed that she too died of a massive heart attack. She was 32. She was 5'5". She was over 300 pounds. That terrifies me! I'm 32, I'm 5'6", and I'm just shy of 300 pounds. I'm a ticking time bomb. My health has not been great in the past couple years, and I wonder if my weight is part of the reason. This scares me.

I am working hard to make changes in my life now. I'm keeping a food journal everyday. I'm watching my portions. I'm trying to get in some exercise (which will hopefully increase greatly when my new elliptical trainer arrives). I'm trying to drink lots of water everyday. I'm even trying to find ways to find peace and calm in my life to reduce stress (which can contribute to high blood pressure and heart disease). I know these changes are necessary. I know these changes need to come now. But I'm scared that I've made a commitment to change too late. I worry that I may drop dead anyway. What a horrible thought! I guess it just really hit me how serious this all is, and it makes me want to get down to my goal weight as soon as possible. I won't let this get me down. I'll keep on working towards my goal until I reach it, because I don't want to be yet another statistic!

#49 - Stretch marks

2007-02-06T10:46:00.000-05:00

I'll be the first to admit that stretch marks are not only the bane of fat people, but of all. Unfortunately, most of us suffer from these little dermatological horrors. We all know where stretch marks come from, the name gives it away. Your skin gets stretched beyond its limits, the collagen production is disrupted, and a scar forms. How sad. Many average Jills and Joes get stretch marks too. I think most people hear about pregnant women getting them, but even bodybuilding and puberty can cause them, anything that stretches the skin too much too fast. But I think its the stretch marks of the heavy-set that are so greatly reviled. I mean really, us fat people brought them on ourselves, right? We ate too much too fast, gained too much weight too fast, and pushed our poor bodies to the limit.

I just hate having stretch marks. I think my stretch marks made their first appearance in my teens. Oh the joys of being a self-conscious chubby teenager with stretch marks. First it started out with a few stretch marks on my belly, eventually I got a couple on my bum and my hips, over the years a few showed up on my thighs and my breasts and some more on my belly, and now they've invaded my upper arms. I'm beginning to look like some kind of road map made from skin and scars. Yuck! It kind of freaks me out to think what I'll look like when I lose all my excess weight (remember, I have another 120 pounds to lose) . I know with time, the stretch marks will fade. But still, I'll probably go through some period of looking like the elephant man or something. I can't wait though. It's true, I'd rather look like a wrinkled bag of skin than to be fat. Wouldn't you? Besides, with modern technology, one can tighten up, cinch up, sculpt and mold the body with plastic surgery. I've even heard of some fellow weight losers who actually start saving accounts for the express purpose of having tummy tucks and such once they have lost the weight. Maybe a bit too extreme for my taste. I think I'll just wait and see how wrinkled I end up. Who knows, maybe I'll be one of those lucky ones with amazing skin plasticity, that will firm up with each pound lost. One can only hope!

Want to lose weight on national TV?

2007-02-06T09:09:00.000-05:00

I was approached about a brand new show coming this fall to a major television network from the producers of Supernanny all about losing weight. The show starts taping in April for 10 weeks. Unfortunately, I'm unable to participate because I'll be finishing up my PhD during that time, and I won't be able to get away from school. Would you be interesting in participating? Are you at least 21 with more than 50 pounds to lose? The casting department asked if I'd spread the word to look for other potential candidates. The casting is happening fast so if you're interested, contact them ASAP. Here's a little more info about the show.

*****************************

THE PRODUCERS OF SUPERNANNY ARE SEEKING OVERWEIGHT MEN & WOMEN TO SHED POUNDS AND WIN MONEY ON NEW NETWORK SHOW

The producers and casting team of the hit reality series SUPERNANNY are searching the country for men and women at least fifty pounds overweight to compete on a brand new transformational network series combining physical and mental challenges with the opportunity to win a large cash prize.

Each of the candidates chosen for the team can win tens of thousands of dollars while taking part in the biggest weight loss experience in American television history. The new show is different from any other program on TV and takes the viewer along on a journey with a select group of full-figured and heavy-set participants who triumph and achieve their personal goals while inspiring the lives of millions.

People interested in learning more about the show and want to apply for the chance to slim down and cash in should visit www.ricochettelevision.com/newprograms for more information.

Ricochet Television is based in the United Kingdom where the company is one of the leading independent production companies of high quality factual and entertainment television programming. Ricochet's international phenomenon SUPERNANNY launched the company in the United States where the company is building an innovative reputation in transformational and critically acclaimed reality based and documentary style television.

#48 - Feeling embarrassed all the time!

2007-02-02T11:28:00.000-05:00

I hate that when I’m this fat, I’m embarrassed all the time. I’m embarrassed when I sweat more than other people. I’m embarrassed that my hair sometimes looks oily because I sweat so much. I’m embarrassed that when I exert myself even a little, I get all flushed. I’m embarrassed when people watch me eat. I’m embarrassed when my tummy makes grumbly noises as I digest. I’m embarrassed when my clothes are a little too tight and people can see how big my gut is. I’m embarrassed that my upper arms are so big. I’m embarrassed to fly in a plane because I don’t fit very well in airplane seats. I’m embarrassed when the person sitting next to me on the plane gives me that oh-my-God look as I walk down the aisle. I’m embarrassed that I get winded walking up a couple stairs. I’m embarrassed that I take up more room on the couch sitting next to people. I’m embarrassed getting weighed at the doctor’s office. I’m embarrassed when people giving me judging looks when I’m this fat. I’m just always so embarrassed! I hate that!

I try really hard to work on my self-confidence, always reminding myself that I’m great and I’m worth it! But when you’re embarrassed all the time, it really does a number on your confidence. How can I feel good about myself when I’m constantly thinking about what other people think? Hmm. How do you like that? I think I aswered my own question: stop thinking about what other people think! It takes so much effort to worry about what other people are thinking. Imagine if I focused all that energy on myself, I could reach any goal! I guess we just need to keep reminding ourselves that we are great and we are worth it and try to worry less about other people. Who cares what other people think? I don’t like the way I look at this weight, why should I expect others to accept me with open arms? We just need to realize that if we ignore the stares and the comments and the embarrassment and keep working on ourselves, eventually we’ll lose the weight and we won’t have anything to be embarrassed about anymore!

#47 - Lingerie -Let's not go there!

2007-01-30T18:54:00.000-05:00

As a fat chick, I try my hardest to have self confidence. I try not to let my weight limit what I do in life, but sometimes it's unavoidable. One such example is lingerie. I know I could wear sexy lingerie, but come on, would it really be that sexy? Some big women have no problem exuding sexuality and confidence, but apparently I'm not one of them. I was dating someone a while back and even purchased some sexy lingerie. I don't know, it seemed like a good idea, but I really didn't feel sexy (I didn't even end up wearing it for my boyfriend). Many retailers sell sexy lingerie for plus-sized women, and I think that's great. Some women have the confidence to pull it off. I just didn't feel sexy with my stomach rolls and big thighs. Yuck! I prefer to cover up, and not reveal all! I think there's some magic weight at which I love wearing sexy lingerie. I'm just not at it right now. I don't mean a weight near my goal or anything. I just feel sexier when I'm a bit thinner - I think it has to do with stomach rolls - eewww.

There has been more and more plus-size exposure in the media lately. One of my previous posts talked about how fashion week designers were choosing some plus-sized models to grace their runways. Many of these models even appeared in lingerie. I think it's great that the public is maybe starting to be a little more open to the idea of larger women, but I don't think I'm ready to bare all, and I don't think they're ready to see all. Although maybe the public isn't any more accepting than before. Tyra Banks is currently on the cover of People revealing that she's 161 pounds. I think it's great she's honest about her weight, but the issue is about how she's so fat at this weight. Fat at 161 and 5'10"? Please! She looks great at 161! Maybe the public needs more work on fat acceptance (if Tyra is considered so fat).

But I guess I can't complain too much because I had a hard laugh recently at the expense of a very fat lady (though to defend myself it was a fictional woman). I just saw a commercial for the new Eddie Murphy movie, Norbit. From what I can see, it's something about a big woman (played by Eddie Murphy) and her man (also Eddie Murphy). What me laugh so hard was the scene where they go to a public swimming pool, with the big lady in a bikini, stomach rolls and all. One of the pool attendants asks her if she's wearing any bottoms, because her suit is totally lost in the folds of her skin. With his comment, she lifts up her stomach to reveal her bikini and says, "Of course, I'm wearing bottoms. See?" That totally cracked me up because fat chicks can relate (which is sad). And this is why I don't want to wear sexy lingerie with my big stomach and have my man ask me if I'm wearing any underpants! How embarrassing!

Updates

2007-01-29T11:44:00.000-05:00

Hello all! Just a quick note to let you know I changed my e-mail subscription service. My last sevice was having some trouble so I switched to FeedBurner. To get e-mail alerts every time I post, just click the link on the side bar. If you've previously subscribed to this service, please resubscribe with the new service. Thanks and happy reading!

#46 - I hate that my favorite TV channel is Food TV

2007-01-28T11:51:00.000-05:00

As a fat person I find myself curiously drawn to the Food channel when I turn on the TV. Why is that? Am I THAT obsessed with food? I consider myself a bit of an aspiring chef/baker, so is it just my hobby? I don't know. What I do know is that I'm always watching food-related programming lately. The Barefoot Contessa, Rachel Ray, Giada De Laurentiis, Ace of Cakes, Michael Chiarello, Nigella, Paula, and Tyler, I love them all. I've been trying really hard not to eat bad-for-me foods, so maybe I'm trying to fill the void with visual food images. It seems so cliche though, the fat girl watches a lot of the food channel. I hate that! I have a couple skinny friends that LOVE watching the food channel, and I'm SURE that they are not feeling guilty about it. So why should I? And if it is helping me to not eat so much, then I should be happy, right? But I'm not, I still feel guilty that I like watching it so much. I guess it's because I hate being a stereotype (that is, fat gal watching food). Does anyone see me watching these shows? No, it's just me. So it's not like I'm worried about what other people will think. I guess I'm just so programmed to think that fat people shouldn't think about food all the time. I suppose that's where all the guilt comes from. I guess I just need to get over it, right? But on the flip side, I suppose being an over eater (in other words a food addict) is somewhat like being an alcoholic. Would it be healthy for an alcoholic to watch shows about the liquor manufacturing business or a tour of the Guinness factory? I don't know, maybe that's an extreme example, but it's sort of similar. If we're struggling with an addiction, is it healthy to surround yourself with images of the very thing that caused your addiction? My gut tells me I should try to find another hobby. I sometimes knit to avoid watching TV, but somehow I always manage to find my way back to Food TV. Ugh! Why can't my favorite channel be Animal Planet or Discovery or TLC? Anything but the Food channel!

#45 - Being weighed at the doctor's office

2007-01-26T18:01:00.000-05:00

I've been in and out of the doctor's office for the past two years (still recovering from a bout of meningitis). Every time I go in they feel it's necessary to weigh me. I hate that. I already have the torment of weighing myself at home, but now I need to embarrass myself and get weighed in front of some stranger. I hate it when the nurse sets the scale to the 150 marker then slides the pounds up and up and up. Then they move the marker to the 200 pound setting, once again sliding the pounds up and up and up. Come one, who are they kidding? Do they really think I weigh 180 pounds or something? I guess they're just trying to spare my dignity, but really it's pure torture. Now when I go in for my weighings, I intervene and set the pound marker to my own weight. That way we both don't have to do the little pound guessing dance and get right to the point. I'm fat, I know it, I'll admit it. Anyway, I just hate getting weighed by other people. I guess it makes your weight more real, having to admit to another human being just how heavy you really are.

It's not only from the embarrassment that I hate getting weighed at the doctor's office, it's for their damn accurate scale! Apparently my scale is WWWAAAAYYYY off from accurate. I went to the doctor about a month ago and weighed 17 pounds heavier than my scale at home. Usually I weigh at home first thing in the morning on an empty stomach. By time I get to the doctor's office, I've had food and water and I'm wearing heavy jeans. I know, I know, excuses, excuses. But it's true, you probably would be a lot heavier on your scale at home too fully clothed after eating and drinking. But still, 17 pounds? I imagine my jeans weigh 3-5 pounds, food weighs a couple pounds, and water weighs a couple more pounds. But 17 pounds? I suppose this means my scale is really off. I told my little tale to the doctor. He laughed and said that it didn't matter as long as I was being consistent and weighing myself on the same scale. So I told him I was going to ignore his scale and stick with my slenderizing scale, thank you very much. I think in the end he was just happy because I had lost 6 pounds in a month. (On a side note, those 6 pounds have since been regained as a result of the holidays and adopting previous bad eating habits. I must get back on plan!) But more about scales, I think we're way too scale obsessed, aren't' we? I think I weigh myself pretty much everyday. I should probably be worrying more about inches rather than pounds. I think I like the weight loss plans were you weigh yourself weekly as opposed to daily. That way little weight fluctuations won't get you discouraged. I feel bad when I don't lose everyday. Isn't that stupid? What am I thinking, that I'm going to lose 365 pounds a year? Maybe I should switch to the weekly scale schedule to get over this obsession. It's hard though, with that scale staring at me in the bathroom. I'll just check my weight one more time. OK, one more time. Just once more. Damn. Maybe I should put my scale in the closet, only to see the light of day for my weekly weighing. Now that's a good idea.

#44 - Intimidating workout equipment

2007-01-22T14:54:00.000-05:00

I hate being a fat person, trying to embark on a new-way-of-life fitness regime. We all get motivated by the idea of new exercise equipment, but the fat person has to consider some things a skinny person wouldn't. I end up thinking, "Wouldn't it be fun to try an exercise ball?", but then I worry I'd pop it. You are really limited in the types of exercise equipment you can use. I hate that. This topic comes up because I've been looking to purchase an elliptical trainer lately. I really loved working out on the elliptical at the gym; it was the only machine that didn't kill my knees. On a side note, I have bad knees from my weight. Every time I walk a long distance or run, they hurt very bad. So my doctors told me to avoid walking/running type exercise and stick to no/low impact exercise like swimming or using an elliptical. Anyway, so I loved using the elliptical at the gym, but I totally HATE going to the gym (the hassle, the embarrassment, the excuses, etc.). So I wanted to get a piece of gym equipment for my home so that there would be no more excuses. I started shopping around for ellipticals, but quickly found out there were limitations for fat people. Many of the low-cost ellipticals on the market have a weight limit of 225-250 pounds. Oops. I surpass that by quite a bit. I kept looking and looking, but the only machines I found that were stable enough for the heavyset were totally expensive (like over $1000). The best machines are, of course, the ones at the gym. They have no weight limit, but cost over $3000. Ouch! So that was out of the question. Then I found a bunch of machines in the $700-900 range that held people up to 300 pounds. I supposed this was OK, but hey, that's pretty close to my current weight. Do I really want to risk working the machine at its limit? Did I want to risk breaking the machine from my weight? Again, something only fat people think about. Around the first of the year a bunch of new machines came onto the market, and to my surprise had higher weight limits. Was the general public getting fatter and exercise equipment manufacturers responding to the need for more heavy duty machines? I ended up finding a great machine from NordicTrack with a weight limit of 325, so no worries about stressing the machine. Sure the elliptical is $999, but I guess that's what it costs for durability. I've read a ton of reviews about this elliptical and it sounds like a great machine (for heavy people). So I put in the order this weekend, and now I eagerly await the arrival of my new exercise/torture device. I'll put in my own two cents about the elliptical as soon as I get it and let you know how it is. I know it will be hard to stay motivated for exercise regardless of having exercise equipment or not, but I hope that having the machine sitting in my living room will inspire me to workout when I'm sitting in front of the TV, being a couch potato. I also won't have the excuse of not going to the gym because I'm too tired to drive or I feel too fat to workout in front of others. I won't be intimidated by the fancy machines at the club, or fear breaking my equipment. With this new machine I will have no more excuses!

#43 - Trying to determine my ideal weight

2007-01-20T09:22:00.000-05:00

I've been overweight since I was a kid (probably about junior high). I've never been a "normal" sized adult. So what am I supposed to weigh? Do I go by those crazy height and weight charts? They seem totally extreme. Do I go by BMI? Maybe a good start, but still, that seems like a LOT of weight to lose. I've never been that skinny. So what's my ideal weight? I think no one is ever happy with their weight. You always want to lose a few more pounds to get closer to that elusive "ideal" weight. But when you have so much weight to lose, is it realistic to set such drastic weight loss goals? Should I really be thinking about trying to get to 150 pounds right now? It seems like that will just set me up for failure. I lost 70 pounds two years ago and got down to the low 200's, but since I had the idea in my head of my ideal weight I needed to be, I still felt like a failure since I ONLY lost 70 pounds. Isn't that dumb? A lot of weight gurus advise picking small weight loss goals along the way, like 5 or 10 pounds increments or 10% of your body weight. These are much more realistic AND attainable goals. But still, I keep thinking about my "ideal weight". It's so hard to determine isn't it? They come up with all these height and weight charts, expecting us to fit into their predetermined size guides, but we're all so different. Frame size, bone density, family history, etc, etc. How can we determine our ideal weight when you start to factor in all of the variables? I once read somewhere that your goal should be to weigh what you did when you were 18. But what if you were overweight? I was 200 pounds when I graduated high school. I think I'm going to forgo the height and weight charts and ditch the BMI calculations. Instead I thought back to a time in my life when I didn't think about my weight, in other words, when I was totally comfortable with my body. It was when I was 14/15. I was around 160-170 pounds. I was younger and shorter (about 3 inches shorter), so I figure if I add maybe 10-15 pounds to that figure (to account for the age and height difference), 180 pounds, that might be a good "ideal" weight for me. In this case, "ideal" means comfortable. I'm sure my doctor's would love to see me down to 150 pounds, but is this really realistic? The last time I weighed 150, for any significant amount of time, I was in junior high. Is it realistic to set such extreme weight loss goals? I don't think so. Even though my ultimate weight loss goal is 180, I have smaller goals along the way. My first goal right now is to get to 280 (a modest 5% loss). The next goal will be 250, then 225, then 200, THEN 180. And honestly, if I'm pretty happy at 200, and it's easy to maintain that weight, I might just stay at 200. If, on the other hand, I get to 180 and still want to lose more, then so be it, I'll lose more. I just don' t want to commit to some arbitrary number (ok, I' guess I've loosely committed to 180, but only loosely). I think your "ideal weight" is something only you can determine. It's not some number on a chart or a simple calculation. I think it's the weight at which you are happy and confident and comfortable in your own skin.

#42 - Hair Styles: No matter what I do with my hair, I still look fat!

2007-01-17T19:40:00.000-05:00

Are you like me, ever searching for the perfect face flattering hair style, guaranteed to minimize your fatness? Haven't found it? Nope, me either. It seems like no matter what I do with my hair, I always look fat. Ok, I guess it's no surprise, because, duh, I am fat. But still, it seems like there should be some kind of hair style that would flatter my figure a bit. I've done pretty much EVERYTHING with my hair: short, long, straight, curly, bangs, no bangs, brown, blond, etc. And most of the time, each hair style actually made me look fatter (is that possible?). So I've pretty much given up on the whole hair thing and have worn my hair the same way for years: straight, long, brown, boring. Why is it that fat chicks think long hair will make them look thinner? I'll admit it, I'm one of those chicks. I guess that's why I keep my hair so long. But really, in the end you just look like a fat chick with long hair. I've gone to hair stylists over the years to be told that layers around my face will flatter the shape of my face (my fat face). Not! I swear layers around the face simply enhance the roundness, making you look even fatter. Then I was told a short blunt cut would suit me. Not! That just meant my hair stopped at my jawline and accentuated my chubby cheeks. Then I was told, hightlights will would slim me a bit. Nope. I just looked like a heavy gal with streaks. So I give up. It's long, one length, brown hair for me. That is, until someone tells me about yet another face flattering cut that I'm sure I will try. I keep thinking that when I'm thinner, I'll do something nice with my hair. But really, in the end I think I'll just keep it straight and long. Then I'll be the skinny chick with long hair!

#41 - The simple act of getting dressed is a chore!

2007-01-01T13:31:00.000-05:00

It's so sad that, as a fat person, getting dressed has become a difficult task. Even the simple task of putting on shoes and socks is difficult. To put on shoes and socks easily, you need to be able to cross your legs - which I cannot do very easily. Alternatively you can bend down while sitting to put on your shoes, but what if your belly gets in the way and you can't bend over very far? Well, it makes putting on shoes and socks a bitch! I even prefer wearing slip-on shoes, because they're easier to deal with. How sad! This is something I'm SURE thinner people have no thoughts about. I know when I was skinny, I never thought about the hardships of putting on my clothes. How dumb! I hate being fat! I was just getting dressed, went to put on my pants, and almost fell over. It's tough to lift my leg while balancing on one foot and trying to slip of pair of pants on. How stupid. I have horror stories about falling while putting on clothes, but not about myself. I used to work the night shift in an Emergency Room about eight years ago. I was a medical secretary while going to college. Anyway, one night a large woman (maybe 300 pounds or so) came into the ER with a compound leg fracture (you know, the kind where the bone has broken through the skin - eewww). I was interviewing the woman for address and contact information as she was being treated. The doctor asked her how she fell and broke her leg. She was clearly very embarrassed, but told her tale anyway. Apparently, she lived alone and was getting dressed after a shower. She went to slip on her jeans when she fell over. I guess the weight of her body on her one leg was enough to break the bone in half - ouch. At the time I was working in the ER, I too was pretty heavy - about 260. Ever since that day, every time I go to put on pants while precariously balancing on one foot, I think of that woman with the compound fracture. I totally fear this could happen to me someday. I guess there's another reason to lose weight, not only to make getting dressed easier, but to prevent painful and costly broken bones!

So I've made it into the New Year relatively unscathed. Sure, I put on a little holiday poundage, but I kept it to a minimum - I only gained 3 pounds. It's that time of year again where everyone is making New Year's resolutions. I kind of hate that tradition. Why is it that we only care about making changes this one time of the year? I've been working at losing weight for years and my resolutions remain throughout the year. OK, maybe I get refocused this time of year, but I try to stick to it all year long. If I MUST make a New Year's resolution, it's not to lose a certain amount of weight, it's not to work out 5 days a week, it's not even to eat less chocolate. No, this year my resolutions are more broad: love myself, watch my portions and move. These seem like simple rules to follow, no impossible to attain fitness or weight loss goals. These seem like resolutions that will last all year long, in fact they're pretty much my resolutions from the whole past year. So I guess I'll leave it at that and wish everyone a Happy New Year! Good luck with your weight loss!

#40 - Running into doors - I don't know my own width

2006-12-17T15:46:00.000-05:00

Does this ever happen to you? I happens to me all the time. I apparently don't know my own girth, and as a result, I'm constantly running into door frames. I guess my brain still thinks I'm some 160 pound person. Don't get me wrong, it's not that I don't fit through doors. I just seem to miscalculate my own width, don't center myself through the door, then wham-o, I run right into the frame. Ouch! My mom does this all the time, too. So maybe it's genetic klutziness or something. I've even miscalculated my own width and ran into people before. You too? I think, "Oh I'll just sneak by that person and not disrupt them," but then I bump right into them with my shoulder. And I'm no light-weight. When I bump into people, it's probably like a linebacker ploughing into someone on the gridiron. I feel really bad when I ram into people, maybe even more embarrassed. Skinny-minis don't have this problem, do they? I'm sure everyone has their bouts with clumsiness, but I run into stuff all the time. I guess I not only miscalculate my size, but I also am a little off-balanced due to the weight, resulting in a lot of collisions. Oh well, yet another reason I hate being fat!

So the holidays are sooooooooooooooo hard to deal with when you're trying to cut sugar out of your diet and lose weight! My God, is everything made of sugar? I'm dealing with pre-diabetes and trying to be really good about making wise food choices. But damn! It's so hard this time of year! The last of the batches of Christmas cookies have been baked now (and yes there were quite a few casualties that ended up in my stomach). I'm planning on giving most of the cookies away as gifts. I know, I really should give them ALL away, but hey, it's Christmas. I need a little treat now and again. Besides, I told myself I would never go on a diet again, rather I would make better food choices in a less restrictive manner. I think it's the super strict diets that say, "You aren't allowed carbs or sugar or dairy or fat or whatever..." that result in failure. You should never say never about food. It's all about moderation. OK, the six cookies I had today was not an example of moderation, but I'm not gonna let it get me down. I think all eating plans need to allow for some kind of treats, whether they be low cal or limited to special occasions or just a bite, whatever. I just don't think we should ever say that we can't ever eat some particular thing ever again. Think about it, at some point you'll be tempted by your weakness (cookies anyone?), you'll indulge, then if you've totally restricted yourself from that item, you're going to feel totally awful like you've failed or something. That's just stupid. How about 1) never say never, 2) enjoy your favorite treats in moderation, 3) be realistic about what moderation means - a whole cheesecake is NOT moderation, 4) don't freak out if you do over do it - one day of failure will NOT erase a year of hard work. So these are the treat rules I've been following, and it's working pretty well, though I must admit the holidays are hard. I just remind myself that I'm still 20 pounds lighter than I was a few months ago, and a couple cookies aren't going to erase all the good habits I've picked up recently. So enjoy the holidays, continue to work hard toward your goals, and know that you can do it! Before you know it, you won't be running into anymore door frames.

#39 - Elevators – Will I be the one to push us over the weight limit?

2006-12-11T09:37:00.000-05:00

Isn't that crazy talk? I know it is. But still, every time I get into an elevator my eyes wander to the designated weight limit just to check. And if the elevator is full? Well, then my brain really gets calculating, as I try to determine the total weight of the occupants in relation to the weight limit. I dread the day the alarm goes off in an elevator, alerting everyone that the carriage is over capacity. And I'm sure all eyes will turn to me as the culprit. I never used to think about stuff like this, and I'm sure most normal sized people don't have thoughts of over-weighted elevators. It's so stupid, I know. I just can't help it. As a fat chick I'm always sizing up myself in relation to my surroundings. Will I fit into that booth? Can I squeeze by that person seated at a restaurant without ramming into them? Should I bother trying to shimmy past people seated in a movie theater, or should I just go around to the far side of the theater as to not disturb them? Will I fit through the turnstile to get on the subway? Aren't these dumb thoughts? I hate that I keep sizing myself up in pretty much every situation! It's a constant reminder that I'm fat. Just when my self-esteem seems rock solid, I make some little mental calculation that sends me spiraling into bad thoughts about my fat ass. Argh! It's frustrating.

Well Christmas time is nearing again. Every year I make up holiday cookies to pass out to co-workers. It's VERY hard to watch what you're eating when you are surrounded with sugar cookies! I probably should have broke tradition this year and skipped the annual sugar fest. But I'm a traditional kind of gal, and I didn't want to disappoint my friends. There I go again, always trying to please everyone! Anyway, I work with a bunch of foreigners, so it makes me feel special to share a little holiday cheer with people that don't make it home for the holidays. So I guess it means I make my cookies and ATTEMPT to have some self control. Ugh, that's tough! It's 9:30 in the morning, and I've already had a couple cookies! My new mantra: self control, self control, self control. Maybe I need to think of all those elevators every time I reach for another cookie.

#38 - I hate that I barely need to wear a coat in the winter!

2006-12-07T16:46:00.000-05:00

The wind has started blowing and the chill of winter is upon us. My friends complain of the freezing temps, but it just doesn't seem to bother me. I'm still wearing my thin polar fleece jacket, unzipped no less. I hate that as a fat gal I'm always hot. When the winter comes, and everyone pulls out their favorite sweaters, I'm still sporting t-shirts all winter long. I work in one of those building where it's freezing in the summer and boiling in the winter, and I must say I'm miserable now that the heat has really started kicking in. I suppose I'm not unlike a sea lion that packs on blubber for the winter for protection, it's just that my blubber doesn't get used up by spring. Unfortunately I'm destined to be overly hot, no matter the season. Many of my co-workers are from balmy foreign lands and are very unaccustomed to the cold; therefore the thermostat is usually cranked up pretty high most of the time, sometimes as high as 80. It kills me. When no one is looking, I usually bring the temp down to a normal 72. I wish they would leave the thermostat alone. They can always put on more clothes. I, on the other hand, cannot strip off excess layers of fat and skin that easily. Boy that's another good reason to lose weight. I hate feeling hot! So maybe once the temps get below 30, then I'll actually pull out my winter coat.

I've been watching the Biggest Loser lately. Gosh, I love that show. It's so totally motivating to see people shed over a hundred pounds. It makes me see that with a lot of hard work, I too can accomplish my weight loss goals. I hate the statistics though. 98% of people that lose weight, inevitably gain it all back. That sucks! I'm hoping that though my small and manageable life changes I'm making (through nutrition and exercise) that I can be one of the 2% that actually manages to lose it and keep it off. Last night on BL, two of the former contestants returned to the show to help motivate and inspire the final four contestants. I was very surprised to see that Matt, who had lost over 100 pounds, had gained a significant amount of weight back. I'm glad he addressed this issue with everyone, and stated that he did rebound, but now he was working to lose it again. He realized that this isn't a one-time diet plan, it's something you need to work at the rest of your life. It's not like I can lose 140 pounds then return to a life full of cheesecake and laziness. I have to permanently commit to this. It's a bit daunting to think of life-long goals, isn't it? But I have to keep reminding myself: one day at a time. I clearly can't lose the weight overnight, and it's going to be a lot of work to keep it off, but all I can do now is to try my hardest each and every day.

#37 - I Hate the Media, for making us think a size 8 is fat!

2006-12-06T09:29:00.000-05:00

Don't you just hate it? Open any fashion magazine, and you're confronted with images of tiny women, almost child-like, and are told that this is normal. Size 0 on a 5'9" woman is NOT normal. 5'8" and 100 pounds is NOT normal. The average American woman is about 5'4", 140 pounds and a size 14 - that's "normal". I was watching the Megan Mullally show the other day, and she made a comment that got me mad. She was saying that on her worst day, she's about a size 8, and that this was considered to be a total heifer in Hollywood. When she was on Will and Grace, one producer asked her to lose weight for her role as Karen. At least she was strong enough to make a comment back to the producer that if she truly wanted to portray a disfunctional lush from Manhattan, she'd probably be a little heavy, and that if they wanted a skinnier actress, they could ask someone else to do the role. That shut him up! But I hate that! When will the media stop portraying size 8 as fat? This is simply an unattainable goal for most women, and it leads to so many eating disorders, especially with very impressionable young girls.

I have to applaud the Spanish designers who, during fashion week in Barcelona, fired a few models for being too thin and unhealthy looking. Finally someone put their foot down to the anorexic look. If other designers follow their lead, maybe public opinions will start to change regarding what's fat and what's thin. Jean Paul Gaultier went even farther during fashion week in Paris and hired decidedly Rubenesque plus-size model Velvet to headline his opening. He ditched the size 0 models for a size 28 model! That may be going to an extreme, but at least he's making a good point: all women are beautiful. John Galliano also used plus-sized models during his show during fashion week. He also showcased Velvet and Veronique Severe. There are definitely plus-sized models that are crossing over to the mainstream, like Emme and Mia Tyler, but they are definitely NOT the norm yet. I'm not asking Victoria's Secret to swap their tiny size 0 models for size 28 gals, but it would be nice to see a few size 12s or 14s. It would be nice for everyone to have models to look up to that are not unrealistically thin. It would be nice for all the normal women of the world to realize that they are beautiful too, no matter what size they are.

#36 - Small Bathroom Stalls

2006-11-29T11:19:00.000-05:00

How many of you choose the roomier handicap stalls in a public restroom? Yeah, me too! Don't we all? I always feel guilty going into the handi stalls, but I have to, I don't always fit comfortably into the regular stalls. Being a fat person, you have to worry about squeezing into tight spaces. I hate that I have to worry about this when I'm in public. Clearly, if there is a big line for the restroom, I use what ever stall is available; it's just not as pleasant. When I go into a regular bathroom stall, I pretty much have to straddle the toilet just to shut the door. Maneuvering around in there is pretty difficult when you're portly! Does that make me public bathroom handicapped? Does that give me the right to use the handicap stalls? I don't know. I still feel guilty. Handicapped people don't have a choice. They can't change their condition. I, on the other hand, can lose weight. I hate that I struggle with this dilemma every time I enter a public bathroom. I wish all the stalls were equally big, so there wouldn't be an issue. Strike that. I wish I weren't fat, so that it wouldn't be an issue!

So I finally got to see an endocrinologist this week to help me deal with my hypoglycemia issues I've been having lately. In the past couple months, I've dealt with a lot of fainting spells and dizziness, directly related to when I eat. Well, I got the news I dreaded, he basically told me I was pre-diabetic. Often times, people who are just about to get diabetes go through a period of hypoglycemia. Yikes! All my life I've had doctors tell me how healthy I was except for the fact that I was overweight. But all those doctors told me that eventually my weight would catch up with me and be a problem. I guess it's caught up with me, I guess the problem has finally arrived! So now I have to monitor my blood sugar throughout the day and keep a detailed food journal. Boy, I really love getting stuck with a needle multiple times a day. Not! I don't why, but I always thought I was invincible or something. I guess I never thought my obesity would catch up with me. I guess I always thought I'd lose the weight before I had actual health problems. I guessed wrong!

Eating healthy and losing weight is no longer a cosmetic issue, it's a health issue. Does this mean that this time I'll take it seriously, lose weight and keep it off? I hope so. I'm trying to adopt changes in my eating habits that will be life-long changes. I'll never go on a 'diet' again. Another part of my treatment is exercise. Exercising has been shown to improve blood sugar regulation in pre-diabetes and diabetes. So I have no more excuses! I can't say, "I don't feel well enough to workout right now." The point is, I won't feel well until I workout. Baby steps, though. I can't just jump into a five day a week cardio regimen (my doc doesn't want me to, either). I'm supposed to slowly add a bit here and a bit there to my daily activity. It's hard though, going from a total couch potato, to becoming an active person. I've been doing yoga about two times a week lately, but this isn't enough. I need to add a bit of cardio. But more about the yoga, I found an AWESOME yoga workout for obese people. It's put out under the Just-my-size label. It's a yoga workout specifically designed for fat people, done by a fat yoga instructor. I really love it. It's not intimidating at all. The poses aren't crazy human pretzel poses; they're poses with the fat gal in mind. Clearly we have big tummies and boobs and can't bend in all the same ways as a skinny chick. Anyway, just a tip. I highly recommend the workout (Yoga: Just My Size With Megan Garcia).

#35 - Being told I have a pretty face

2006-11-27T08:27:00.000-05:00

Isn't this the kiss of death for a fat girl? I absolutely HATE being told I have a pretty face! I know, this should be a compliment, but it really doesn't feel like it. It's more like someone telling you, "Hey you're a big fat ass, but at least you aren't ugly." When I was thin, I was quite a looker, so yes, I do have a pretty face, but I hate when people say it. Can't they just say, "You’re pretty"? Why do they have to add that qualifier...a pretty face?

On a side note, sort of related to this topic, I tried this new online face recognition program that matches your face to similar looking celebrities (Celebrity Face Recognition). It was a fun little waste of time, I highly recommend it. If nothing, it was quite the ego booster. I uploaded several images (as recommended by the program) to find my best matching celebs and was pleasantly surprised that I share features with some real hotties! Then I thought, yeah this program is probably rigged to tell everyone they look like George Clooney or Angelina Jolie. Not so. I tried this program with a couple of friends' images and they matched with not-so-attractive celebs. Hmmm, does this really mean I have a pretty face? The program told me I resembled Katherine Heigl (from Gray's Anatomy), Kate Bosworth, Rachel Weisz and Katie Holmes. By no means do I look exactly like these women, we merely share certain features. But still, what an ego booster! I guess this is one way to see whether you truly do have a pretty face after all. Like I said, it was a fun waste of time! But maybe it wasn't a total waste of time. One thing this little exercise did for me was to show me my true potential. It made me think that if I could manage to lose all my excess weight, I could actually look like a Hollywood starlet. What an incentive to lose weight!

So this post seems a little two-sided. On one hand I don't want people to tell me I have a pretty face, while one the other hand, I found a program to tell me I have a pretty face. People are so complicated! I guess what I don't want is an unsolicited comment about my looks that makes it abundantly clear they think I'm fat. You know? It's like someone saying, "you're not that bad". It's one thing to realize for yourself that you are a beautiful, attractive person; it's another for someone to put a qualifier on your beauty by limiting it to your face. I'm big. I'm beautiful. Get used to it!

#34 - Messy eating: Is all food destined to land on my shirt?

2006-11-23T19:39:00.000-05:00

Today I thought I would post an entry with Thanksgiving in mind. Happy Thanksgiving by the way! Just imagine piping hot roast turkey, sage scented stuffing, mashed potatoes and gravy, green bean casserole, cranberry sauce and hot pumpkin pie with whipped cream. Mmmm, sounds good just thinking about it. But as a large person, one thing always comes to mind when confronted with a nice meal. And no, it has nothing to do with whether or not I will over eat. But rather, why is it that every time I eat, something always seems to fall onto my shirt? I do realize the distance from my plate to my mouth is increased due to my large tummy not allowing me to lean very far over my plate. The other reason is that my ample boobs make for a great landing spot for soup, gravy, and ice cream. I always seem to dribble all kinds of greasy foods onto myself, which sucks because I have ruined so many nice shirts this way. In spilling all over myself, I always feel like a slob. I really do try not to spill, but what am I supposed to do? Wear a bib?

So I was thoroughly enjoying my Thanksgiving dinner today. Turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes and all the trimmings. I was savoring every bite (because I really have been cutting down on carbs lately, so this was a real luxury), when all of the sudden I dripped gravy all down my shirt. Of course! Why would today be different than any other day?

I would really like to be able to pull myself completely up to the table and not worry about incessantly slobbering all over myself. Don't get me wrong, I'm not some super klutz; my body just seems to get in the way all the time. I hate that being fat makes me a messy eater! I would love to be able to get up from the table without everyone knowing exactly what I ate my last meal!

#33 - Being the heaviest person in the room

2006-11-22T09:30:00.000-05:00

This one really gets to me. I hate that when I look around the room, I realize I'm the heaviest person there. I would love to just blend into the crowd, size-wise. I hate the feeling of thinking everyone in the room is judging me, thinking how fat I am. I know this is a self-esteem issue. Realistically, everyone in the room isn't thinking about how fat I am. Sure, maybe people that meet me for the first time think bad things about me, but the people that know and love me, look at me for who I am - a great person - not some big fat heifer. But still, when I look around the room and realize I'm the biggest person there, it makes me feel bad.

It's thoughts like these that sabotage our weight loss efforts, isn't it? Isn't it times when you think - look at how she looked at me, she thinks I'm fat - that we turn to our beloved cartons of Ben & Jerry's for support? Food is like that. It's the best emotional support you could ask for. It's always there, standing by us in our times of need. It makes of feel better, by giving us that wonderful serotonin rush. And most of all it comforts us, erasing all the bad things that happened during the day.

So how do we combat this vicious cycle of being judged, feeling bad about it, then over eating, getting fatter, being judged even more, feeling even worse about it, eating more and more and more, etc, etc, etc? So what do we do? It's pretty hard to take away the food, isn't it? It's not like being an alcoholic; you can't go cold-turkey on food. We have to eat. So sure we can cut out junk food, but still, a nice plate of spaghetti and meatballs can help fix a bad day, can't it? So let's see, what can we do then? Take away the criticism of others; take away the stares and comments we receive. Well that's not gonna happen. People are cruel, and fat people are one of the still publicly accepted targets of ridicule and mocking. So we can't take away the food, we can't make people nice, what can we do? Just get over it? Just deal with the crap that life sends us? Make our BEST efforts NOT to use food as an emotional tool? It is so hard! But really this is all we can do. Lift our heads high, let comments and stares roll off our backs, and work on becoming the best person we can be. Only then can we take back the control. Only then can we start to lose weight. Only then can we become an average person in the room and not the heaviest person in sight.

#32 - Seat belts - Do they ever fit comfortably?

2006-11-21T08:27:00.000-05:00

I hate wearing a seat belt. I think all women have some kind of loathing for the seat belt, with it's crush-my-boobies kind of issues. But being a fat gal, not only endowed with big boobs, but also having a ginormous tummy, seat belts are a nightmare! I've been driving a KIA Sportage for the past 5 years and have been pretty happy with my seat belt - isn't that a weird statement? (that just made me laugh) Anyway, recently I've been having trouble with my brakes, so I've been driving my mom's Suzuki. I climbed into the front seat of her Suzuki, drew the seat belt across my lap, and realized I couldn't fasten the seat belt (at least not comfortably). To my horror, I realized I had gotten so fat that I couldn't fit into some seat belts. How embarrassing! So now I've been driving around town without a seat belt. I know, I know. This is totally unsafe. But what's the alternative? Go get a seat belt extender? I swore I would NEVER buy any product that was designed to help accommodate fat people. So there you have it - reason #32 why I hate being fat - seat belts!

I'm hoping seat belts won't be an issue for that long. I've lost 20 pounds now and keep losing about 1 pound per week. At this rate I should be at my ideal weight in 3 years! LOL. Recently I had to make some sweeping changes in my diet. If you've been following my blog, you know I had a bout with fainting spells. It's been confirmed that it's due to hypoglycemia/hyperinsulinemia - in other words, early Type II diabetes. This is no joke anymore. It's not merely an issue of - I need to diet because I want to look thin. Now it's an issue of - if I don't change my ways I will die! And unfortunately there is no pill to help me, the only treatment is diet and exercise. So I had to severely restrict sugar, white flour, rice, and potatoes out of my diet. I'm kind of following a no sugar/South Beach/Weight Watchers Core type plan now. It's going pretty good - though I still have massive cravings for sweets especially cakes, cookies, brownies, pastries, doughnuts, etc., etc... I thought it was really funny though, a suggestion my nutritionist made. She was saying that I am allowed to have one type of sweets - peanut M & M's. I was like, what? Isn't that pure sugar? But she said because it's a great blend of carbs, protein and fat, and that it was allowed (in extreme moderation of course, i.e. a few pieces, not a whole bag!). So to satisfy my cravings, I have indulged in a few M & M's. Yummy! The hardest thing to cope with is the loss of white flour. Flour is in EVERYTHING! I've switched to using whole wheat flour in my recipes with limited success. I really need to invest in some new diabetic cookbooks. One thing I tried to make the other day was pumpkin bars (I was really jonesin' for some cake). I substituted the white flour with whole wheat flour, used Splenda instead of sugar, and even cut the oil in half and replaced it with applesauce. In theory, these would be great bars, right? Yeah, in theory! In reality - yuck!!! The Splenda was totally overpowering and left an after taste that lasted for hours, the whole wheat flour was ok, but the bars didn't rise very much (and I even added extra baking powder). The only good thing about them was the texture - it was spot on. Perfect mouth feel, initially good tasting, well balanced (except for the after taste). (Sorry I'm a taste biologist, so I'm constantly thinking about taste receptors and such). Anyway, I think my next attempt will use natural sweeteners like fruit juice instead. Artificial sweeteners = yucky! Maybe a packet here and there in your coffee is fine, but baking with artificial sweeteners...I think I'll pass!

#31 - Tucking in my shirt

2006-10-19T08:34:00.000-04:00

I haven't tucked in my shirt in over 15 years! It seems so dumb and simple a problem, but it drives me crazy. I'm always trying to hide my ever expanding stomach rolls; therefore I never tuck in my shirt. I'm always trying to find shirts that are long enough to conceal my tummy. I find myself wearing more and more matronly clothes like tunics and such, anything long enough to come to the top of my thigh.

This has been on my mind lately because Halloween is coming up, and my costume will be revealing my tummy a bit which has me freaked out. It's Halloween, right? We're not supposed to look like our normal selves, but why is it so hard for me to expose my tummy? And it's not like I'm wearing some midriff revealing costume. I'm going as a hanged Salem witch. Imagine a Colonial witch, freshly dead from the hangman's noose. I have a Renaissance-esque costume consisting of several skirts and a figure-hugging, laced up bodice. This still has me a bit weirded out. This type of costume is not very large-lady figure friendly; it really accentuates my hips. Maybe everyone will focus on my broad hips and not even notice my tummy... Just kidding, I'm not that paranoid. I usually make quite an effort to look nice, i.e. hide my figure flaws, therefore accentuating said flaws make me a bit nervous. I'm supposed to enjoy Halloween and not worry about my curves! I should embrace my curves, show them off, and enjoy the event, tummy and all! Actually my costume this year, with the laced-up bodice, will make my tits look HUGE! That will probably distract everyone, girls included. I'm sure I have nothing to worry about. I'm sure people will notice the noose around my neck, the scary makeup, my witch paraphernalia, my huge boobs and such, that they probably won't be thinking, "look at her fat stomach".

Anyway, back to the topic - tucked in shirts. I really would like to get back to a size where tucking in my shirt actually looks good. Wearing ones shirt always tucked out tends to look a bit sloppy. I try to look nice and neat, and tucking in my shirt would be nice. I know, I could tuck in my shirt now if I wanted to, but it REALLY wouldn't look good. You know? Again, I'm sure this issue plagues many women, fat and thin alike, but still it's an issue worth mentioning. Yet another reason to add to the list of why I hate being fat!

#30 - Having half a dozen sizes in my closet

2006-10-07T22:07:00.000-04:00

I know it sounds weird for a girl to say it, but I hate that I have so many clothes! The problem is not really the amount of clothes I own, but rather the number of different sizes I have. I seem to have an entire wardrobe based on how fat or thin I'm feeling or looking. I know, I know, every girl has this dilemma. I mean, who doesn't own a couple pairs of "fat jeans" and "skinny jeans"? My problem goes well beyond this, though. Right now in my closet I have sizes as small as 18 (I tossed the really skinny stuff ages ago - I mean, who was I kidding keeping size 14s around?) and as large as 28. And of course, I go through purging phases, where I clean out my closet of clothes that don't fit. I think I've thrown out entire wardrobes worth of clothes after I'd lost weight, only to re-purchase those very sizes again once I put the weight back on. What a waste! You know how it is. You lose weight, you're proud, you vow never to be that heavy again, you get lazy, your diet fails, you gain weight, and then you're back at the original size. I've managed to lose 20 pounds over the past month or so, and some of my clothes are getting loose. This time I vowed NOT to throw out all my ill fitting clothes. A few months ago I had boxed up my "skinny" clothes (sizes 18-22), in an attempt to protect my pocketbook. I'm glad I did this. I knew I would lose weight again and would need those smaller sizes soon enough. And this time, I won't throw out my "fat" clothes either. I'll save them in the unfortunate event that I gain the weight back or purely for a reminder of the size I never want to be again.

#29 - Sugar Addiction/ Hypoglycemia

2006-09-24T15:40:00.000-04:00

Most overweight people are clearly addicted to sugar (or carbs). We constantly snack and overeat. Everytime we try to diet we are plagued with hideous sugar craving that usually result in our failing to stick to a diet. It's a never ending cycle - eat too much sugar, insulin levels rise, insulin causes blood sugar to drop, the drop in blood sugar causes hunger, you eat, blood sugar rises, insulin levels rise, etc. etc. etc. In normal people, this cycle is tightly controlled, but in some individuals, sugar control is a problem. For some, when sugar is over consumed the blood sugar rises very high, which then means a lot of insulin is released, which then makes the blood sugar plummet, which then makes you feel starving, which means you then overeat to excess. It really sucks! The only times I've been free of my addiction is when I followed the Atkins diet - it basically breaks your sugar/insulin cycle and evens things out.

This weekend my sugar addiction fully manifested. I've always been a borderline hypoglycemic (low blood sugar), but it was never clinically diagnosed. I just always knew that if I waited too long between meals I would get cranky, tired, and sometimes woozy. For the past month or so I've been trying really hard to cut down on what I eat, but it turns out my strategy back-fired. I've managed to lose 18 pounds in the past month by cutting back on my calories. Yay me! Anyway, yesterday I was out and about, started my day with a normal breakfast, then stopped by the pharmacy to pick up a prescription. As I waited in line, I became very light-headed, I was even starting to see stars. I sat down and ate a granola bar from my purse - I figured my blood sugar dipped or something. But I just couldn't shake the dizziness, I had a hard time standing up. Luckily my pharmacy is in the same building as my Urgent Care facility. I decided to stop by the clinic for a quick check. As I started to check in (writing down my name and other info) I got super dizzy and for a second couldn't remember my name. Then my legs gave out on me and I slumped down. I freaked the receptionist out, and she rushed to my aide and got me some apple juice. I still felt really weird - I'd never had an episode that bad before - thank God it happened at the clinic. Anyway, long story short, my blood glucose was 50. Yikes, pretty low. I just don't know how this happened. I had just had breakfast maybe an hour or so before. Weird. So I went home, rested, ate good foods, went to bed. But then today the same thing happened, only this time I was at home and my legs gave out on me in my bedroom and I fell to the floor. I had a friend rush me back to the clinic, only to be told that my sugar was low and had I eaten anything. Duh! Of course, I ate. My question is , why can't I keep my blood sugar up? It just keeps falling. I been sick lately (kidney infection) so that may have aggravated my hypoglycemia. Also I've been on antibiotics which can cause hypoglycemia, so that might be the cause. Who knows?

My doctor today asked me about the dieting. When I told her I'd lost 18 pounds this month, she said that was way too fast for a hypoglycemic, and that I shouldn't cut back on my carbs so severely. I've never had a doctor tell me to eat more before, it was surreal! So I have all these books on hypoglycemia - I guess it's time I finally follow their advice! I guess it took me a weekend of fainting to realize my sugar really is out of control and that if I don't do something now, I could be in a lot of trouble!

#28 - I hate statements that start with, "If I were thin…"

2006-09-22T13:39:00.000-04:00

I really hate that when I'm fat, I constantly think things like, "when I was thin I used to...", or "when I lose weight I will..." This really bugs me. I used to scuba dive, and recently a friend of mine has been talking about getting certified, which has made me think about diving again. But of course I've been thinking things like, "if I were skinny again, I would love to go diving." Why can't I do these things now you may ask? I guess a lot of these statements come from my body-consciousness. I worry about what I'd look like in a wet suit (eeww) or how much weight on my weight-belt would it take to keep me from floating (remember: fat floats). I hate that these thoughts prevent me from doing the things I'd like to do!

I've been reminiscing a lot lately, thinking about all the things I used to do when I was thin. It makes me sad. I was such an active fit person when I was younger and thinner. I miss that person that was me! Nothing ever held me back. If I wanted something, I would go for it. I never thought about my limitations or my fears. I really crave that freedom again. A lot of my emotional crap is bound up in this self-consciousness and self inflicted handicaps. I know that a lot of this is mental. Clearly many fat people are successful and pursue their dreams to the fullest. One way to work on this is to get over the fat and just be happy with who I am now. But I don't want to that, I don't want to sell myself short. I don't want to always be the fat girl! When I was thin (here we go again!), I was very attractive and had the attention of many guys. I want this again. I want to feel desired! I want to feel comfortable in my own skin. For me, this means losing weight. I don't, by any means, mean that I need to be "skinny". I would just like to be in the realm of normal sizes. I would really love someday to be able to make reverse comments like, "when I was fat, I was....".

OK, so one of the statements I constantly made in the past was, "if I were thinner, I would be able to date again". Ha! I don't need to say this anymore!!! This blog has really helped me with the emotional side of my limitations. I never thought I would be able to date at this weight. Why? I'm not happy with my appearance, so why would anyone find me attractive and want to date me? That's what I was always thinking. But I realized that I may not be completely happy with my weight, but I still love myself and think I am an attractive, fun, witty, sensual gal! What's not to like? So I put myself out there and started dating, and I met a super great guy that I really like who likes me back!

I will try my hardest to never make statements that begin with "if I were thinner..." ever again! When you make comments like this, you hold yourself back and set yourself up for failure and disappointment. Being fat is hard enough, with the critical outside world, why should we add a level of personal disdain? It's really time to start making proactive statements, and leave out qualifiers like "when" and "if"! So here we go... I am going be the best person I can be! I will seek to improve myself body and soul! I will be happy despite the size of my physical body!

#27 - Stomach Rolls

2006-09-14T11:08:00.000-04:00

It's been far too long since I updated my blog. I've just been busy, busy, busy! I've been doing the whole online dating thing lately - ok at least the online meeting new people thing - it hasn't got to the actual dating yet. But now it seems I may have the opportunity to meet some guys in person, and that is what inspired this blog entry.

I hate that I have stomach rolls! Eeeewwwww! The sound of it is just gross - stomach rolls! I neverminded having a little stomach pooch, but outright rolls - gross! Nothing wrong with girls being soft and curvy, but to actually have rolls? What I'm really nervous about is actually getting naked in front of other people right now. The last time I had sex I was much more fit - still heavy, but not this obese. I just wonder how a guy would react to my body at this point. Although I have to consider, if he likes me with my clothes on, he already knows what he'd be getting into, so he would probably like me without my clothes too. Who knows?

I guess this falls into the category of yet another chick-body-conscious issue. It seems even perfect girls have hangups about something wrong with their bodies. I clearly know I have a lot of weight to lose, but should this stop me from having any fun now? If I find a man accepting of me at this size, why shouldn't I go for it? I mean what do I think will happen? Go on a date, good times, laughter, fun, a little kissing, a little stroking, make out, off comes the clothes, guy says "dear God I had no idea you were this fat". LOL Probably not! I guess I just need to get over it and just go for it! I'm the only one holding me back!!!