#87 - Celebrity Weight Loss Shows

I love them! I hate them! You know the shows, like VH1's Celebrity Fit Club or NBC's Biggest Loser, and a host of others. Honestly I do love to watch these shows. Something about watching these shows makes me feel better about myself. What is it? Is it because I see people even worse off than me and that makes my life not seem so bad? Is it because I take pleasure in others misery? Or is it just because it feels good to see people in the same situation as me, thereby making me feel not so alone? I don't know. But I do like to watch them. At the same time, I TOTALLY hate these shows! The biggest reason I hate these shows is that it perpetuates the myth that get-thin-quick schemes work and are healthy. I think most doctors would agree that losing 20 or 30 pounds in a week is NOT healthy! The thing I have taken from the vast number of diet and healthy eating programs I have been on is the idea that you should be losing about 1-2 pounds a week for healthy weight loss. Studies have shown that the faster you lose, the easier it is for your body to regain the weight. Sure, we all want to be thin TOMORROW, but it didn't take a day, a week, or a month to gain all this weight, it took years! I have been losing weight at a slow healthy pace (65 pounds in about a year, a little over a pound a week), and at this pace it seems easy to maintain. I guess you give your body time to catch up with the idea of being thin or something. I suppose it's physical and psychological: you shrink both your physical stomach and your psychological cravings at this pace. But 30 pounds in a week??? I would imagine these people need EXTREME self discipline to maintain their loses. I would imagine they have to fight serious cravings to keep the weight off. At the pace I'm losing, I really don't fight any intense cravings at all. Sure we all have cravings... like I HAD to have a caramel filled Ghirardelli candy last night, heehee. But everyone has these kind of food-specific cravings from time to time, even really skinny people! When I have lost weight very fast in the past (like when I was on Phen-Fen or when I had the gastric band) I fought intense physical cravings for food and struggled with huge loss issues about not being about to eat much at a time. I don't know. This time it just seems a lot easier, and I am attributing it to losing so slowly. I just don't feel deprived and I don't miss the massive quantities of food.

OK back to the subject: weight loss shows. Why have these shoes become such a phenomenon? I suppose it is just another topic that fascinates us in the long line of reality-based programming we all seem glued to. I suppose it does have something to do with the fact that we love to see other people in our same situation, we can relate. Some studies have shown that as many as 120 million Americans are overweight (maybe even more!). That's over 65 percent of Americans!!! And I think the rest of world is not far behind us! So I guess watching these fat shows seems very familiar to us. We like to see other people like us on TV.

The one good thing going for these shows is that they are doing it through diet and exercise, showing us that it CAN be done without pills or surgery. That I like! When I had to have my gastric band removed (due to an allergy) my surgeon wanted me to convert to the gastric bypass. I told her adamantly that I was going to do it on my own. She just shook her head and said with a chuckle, good luck. She just keep forcing the idea down my throat that 98% of people who lose weight by diet and exercise, gain it all back. Well, I don't know how accurate her statistics are, or if that was some scare tactic she uses, but I know people who have done it successfully, and I was going to be one of them too no matter what she said. And shows like this show us that it is possible. I like how they come back to the people from previous seasons to show how they are doing, and it's great to see that some of them have kept off the weight and have even gotten healthier and more fit! So I guess these celebrity weight loss shows are OK as long as you watch them knowing that you probably wont be able to (or want to) lose weight that fast and that the best way to do it is with good old-fashioned diet and exercise. It's not an easy battle, but we can all do it!!!

#86 - My big butt!

OK sometimes I have posts that are very emotional and sad, some are deep and thought provoking, some are even serious and candid. But sometimes I have to be shallow. Today is one of those days! Sure we all know the emotional hardships of being fat, but sometimes it's the little things (OK maybe not so little haha) that really bother us. So the question on my mind lately is, where on Earth did I get this big ass? I suppose we just don't notice it as our butts get bigger and bigger cause frankly we don't look at ourselves from the back very often. When I look at pictures now of myself at 315 I think, OMG look at that bubble butt! Luckily it is getting smaller and smaller. *Phew* But still... It bothers me. I hate that when I sit in a chair next to someone, I seem really tall cause my ass acts like my own personal booster seat. And I'm not tall, nor do I have a super long torso, so that's not it. It's got to be my big butt. I hate that! I also hate that I forget how big my butt is sometimes and I find myself running into things with it. I was just shopping the other day, thought I could navigate through some clothes racks, but ended up knocking a bunch of stuff down cause of my ass. Grrr. How embarrassing! I suppose we always underestimate our size. Right? Isn't that how we got so fat in the first place? We just didn't realize it as it happened, then wham-o fatness! But don't get me wrong, I do appreciate nice curves. I'm not looking to achieve some tiny ass someday, I know that's not in the cards. But I would love to have a nice little J Lo butt someday, just the right amount of sexy curves without being too big.

Speaking of smaller asses, wow I was excited the other day. I've been holding at a size 22 for a bit now. But lately I noticed my jeans are looking like I have a saggy ass, you know, a bit too loose. So I pulled out my favorite size 20 jeans from when I was thinner. I slipped them on, and zipped them right up. WOW! OK they weren't pretty! Too tight still (my big ass!), but still... I could zip them up no problem. Woo hoo, I think a size 20 is just around the corner, maybe in another 5-10 pounds. Yay J Lo butt here I come!

~*~ Mail Bag ~*~

I sometimes get some really interesting questions from you guys in my email. I don't really have any kind of formal forum here (say that 10 times fast lol), so they never get addressed in public and you never get to see what everyone has on their minds. Well no more! I decided to add a little feature I'm calling "Mail Bag" to my posts. A place where I will answer some of your questions that I deem interesting for the public eye. So one question came up recently that I thought was maybe on a lot of your minds. Recently I added a "STATS" section on the right-hand side of my blog. You know, height, weight, starting, current, goals, etc... Anyway, here's the question I got and my response:

Hi there,

I've been following your blog for a while now (I've read all your entries) and really really like it.

I was just wondering, at your goal weight your BMI will be 29, which is at the extreme end of the "overweight" range.

If that's where you plan to stop losing weight, won't you still be "fat"? Therefore, shouldn't your target BMI be 18.5 to 24.9?

Regards,
Sonia

*****

You are absolutely right Sonia. I started out in the "super obese" category, I'm now in the "obese" category and my goal is in the "overweight" category. BMI is just a loose reference for weight, not taking body structure (i.e. frame size) into account. It really is a good guideline for people to follow, and yes, I think most people should shoot for those healthy goals. But I've had two doctors tell me that based on my frame size my "ideal" weight should be 160, a BMI of 25.8, just over the "normal" range. I really do have big bones, and no that's not an excuse lol. In a perfect world I will reach 160 someday. But to start, I thought 180 seemed more reasonable. I'm not shooting for perfection, just a healthier happier me. I weighed 180 for several years and was very very happy at that weight. So that was a big part of the reasoning for picking 180. But yes, technically I will still be overweight. But... 20 pounds overweight is MUCH better than 50 or 100 or even 155 over weight (like when I was 315). Besides, at 180 I have a lot more junk in my trunk (i.e. sexy curves). :) And also, 180 is just a first goal. Once I get there I will reassess my goals. Maybe I'll be perfectly happy at 180, maybe I'll feel I need to lose a few more pounds, or maybe I'll need to lose a lot more... I'll have to wait and see. Honestly 180 is really a second goal. My first goal is to get under 200. :)

Cheers,
karaokekitty

You guys know I LOVE to get comments. Well I love to get email even more! Send me your questions. What's on your mind? You gotta question? I got an answer! Well... maybe not a good answer, but an answer none the less. So drop me a line in my email box sometime. You can find my email address in my profile. I look forward to your questions!

#85 - Traveling!

Whenever I travel I am always reminded how much I truly hate being fat! I'm getting ready to take a big trip to Greece, my gift to myself for finishing my PhD. All this travel prep has reminded me of the horrors of traveling as a fat person, and I'm dreading the travel part. I hate so many aspects of traveling when I'm fat. Sure it sucks to travel for everyone, waiting in lines, being on cramped airplanes, dealing with lame customer service, it all sucks. But being fat adds a whole other dimension for despising travel. I already talked about airplane seats in an earlier post, I swear the planes nowadays are built for women 5'2" and 100 pounds. Don't you think? Everyone complains about the airplane seats though. Men are too tall and get their knees smashed, and anyone with a little extra padding (pretty much the entire population) is cramped like sardines. It sucks! So I'm definitely not looking forward to my 11 hours in the airplane. OMG 11 hours? Crap. Every time I check in at the airline counter I worry that this will be the time they make me buy an extra seat cause I'm too fat. Probably silly to think this, but you know, I think it anyway. So you want to hear more irrational paranoia? I searched and searched and finally found a really nice hotel near the water in Athens. I looked at some photos of the place online and it looks great! It should be perfect! But what am I thinking about? One, I wonder if the bed will be strong enough to hold me. Stupid I know. And two, I wonder if I will fit in the bathtub. Again, stupid. It's not like I'm 315 pounds anymore. Now I'm the size of a big guy. Of course the bed and tub will be just fine, but my stupid brain thinks these things. All this physical stuff sucks when you are fat when you travel: seats, beds, tubs, cars, etc. But another thing I hate about being a fat traveler has to do with foreign impressions. I am not looking forward to being seen as the stereotypical fat American. I find that a lot of people from other countries view all Americans as a) rich, b) fat, c) lazy, and d) stupid. I'm not rich, I'm not lazy (well I try at least), I'm definitely not stupid, but I hate that people's first impression of me is the fat American. It bothers me. I hate being pigeonholed into a stereotype.

I think many of the reasons I hate being fat here at home are completely amplified when traveling. I think we're already a bit on edge when traveling. Will I miss my flight? Do I have enough money for that? How do I say X in Y language? OMG do they all drive like this cabbie? But on top of all that stress I'm even more stressed about people's impressions of me. All those questions I ask myself daily like, do I look fat? is that person staring at me cause I'm fat? will I fit in that seat? are even worse when I travel. I think I just get more sensitive when I travel. I will have to try desperately hard to stifle all of that self conscious crap when I go on this trip. We go on trips to have fun! We shouldn't be bothered with all the pains of being fat on top of it.

It's funny, but the last time I traveled to Europe I was exactly the same weight I am now, 250. I spent a month touring many countries in Europe, and I had a blast. Many times I was so excited about everything I was seeing and learning that I often forgot about being fat. I guess I not only took a vacation from home, but also from my self consciousness. It was kind of a mental vacation too. I really tried not to let things get to me as much. And if I did experience something negative (like evil stares from the locals), I would just convince myself it was because I was American and had nothing to do with being fat. I want my trip to Greece to be as wonderful. This is a reward for all my hard work. I just need to remember the great time I had in Europe before. My weight was never an issue on the whole trip as far as I can remember, and I'm sure it won't be issue again. Any problems I run into with weight are going to be problems all in my head I'm sure. I know that if I take good care of myself on the trip (the girly stuff), keep my head held high (confidence, confidence, confidence), and remind myself of how far I've come (65 pounds lost, woo hoo!), I know that I will have the time of my life!

#84 - Specialized Medical Equipment

In the past I've talked a bit on the embarrassment of going to the doctor when you are heavy. The paper gowns don't fit, it's hard to "hop" up onto the table, the embarrassment of the scale, etc., etc., etc. One other thing that has really gotten to me in the past is the need for specialized medical equipment for the super sized. It's not bad enough we're fat, but now we need to be reminded of it when they have to pull out the special equipment.

Last year I needed to have an MRI done. When I called for the appointment, they asked me a series of questions. Are you claustrophobic? Do you have any metal implants? How tall are you? What do you weigh? Upon answering the height and weight questions, the woman on the other end responded with a "hmm.... we might have a problem." That didn't sound good. I asked what the deal was, and she replied that she didn't think I could fit into the tube of the MRI machine. OMG how embarrassing. At least I was on the phone, and not sitting and talking to someone in person. Then she went on to ask me my measurements... a little more embarrassment. She wanted to double check the size of the tube compared to my measurements. I told her my measurements, to which she then asked, "did your doctor take these measurements?" I replied that no, I took them. She said that wasn't good enough and said I needed to have my doctor's office measure me. Dear God, here comes the embarrassment I thought. So I did as told, and went into the doctor for my special measuring appointment, which I must say was just a joy to make over the phone, attempting to explain my situation to the receptionist. "Yes that's right, I need to have someone in your office measure me, cause they don't think I'll fit into the MRI machine..." Wow. It stings just remembering this situation again! So I got my measurements done and called the MRI tech again. Apparently one of my measurements was the exact size of the tube. Great. Was I gonna get stuffed into the tube? I just imagined the horror of sitting inside a giant tube, not being able to move at all, arms pinned to my side, yikes! But when all was said and done, they decided that this wasn't a good option. Instead they sent me for an open-sided MRI. How sad, so fat I actually needed a special machine for the MRI.

But it doesn't stop there. Then my doctor wanted me to have 24 hour blood pressure monitoring. I had to go to this satellite cardiac clinic to get fitted for a blood pressure cuff to wear all day. They tried one, then another, then another... No luck. Too tight. They finally found one in my size, but it was broken. They sent me home, telling me they needed to special order a cuff in my size (embarrassing!). Why is it when you want to be discreet, that's when people shout? The nurse helping me opened the door to my room and shouted out to the other nurses, "do you know where the extra large cuffs are?" The nurses proceeded to shout back and forth about the blood pressure cuffs, other patients watching and listening, as my face began to take on a new shade of pink. Finally the nurse shouted back, "can you special order a big one for me?" Some people just have NO idea! Anyway, a few days later I got a call back... They didn't make the cuff in my size anymore. So I was never able to even have the test done. On a side note: my blood pressure was high due to a medication I was on, I went off the medication and now have totally normal blood pressure, so all was OK. :)

But even going to my routine appointments at the doctor require special equipment. Every time I have my blood pressure taken they have to pull out the big cuff. I have to wait while the nurse unhooks the standard cuff and plugs in the giant sized cuff. This little pause always embarrasses me. My mind races, thinking about my super sized arm. Ugh, I hate being fat!! But... something miraculous happened the other day. I went in for a routine girly doctor appointment. I hopped up on the table (which didn't seem like such a chore this time, btw) and rolled up my sleeve, awaiting the big cuff for my blood pressure reading. To my surprise the nurse grabbed the standard cuff out of it's holder and started fitting it on my arm. I almost stopped her and told her that it wouldn't fit, but who am I to tell her how to do her job, right? Anyway, I waited for her to try in vain but was shocked when the cuff fit. OMG are you serious? The standard blood pressure cuff fit? Was it gonna pop off my arm as she pumped it up? Nope, it seemed to work just fine. I just couldn't believe it. You mean I didn't require a special fat cuff anymore? Wow! I can feel the weight come off, I can see my clothes shrinking, but it wasn't until that day that I could use the normal blood pressure cuff that I was tickled with joy over my weight loss. It felt like such a major day for me. Somehow I equate normal blood pressure cuff with normal size. If I could use the normal blood pressure cuff, it truly meant I was getting closer to a normal size. I was utterly delighted! Sure I know I have a long way to go, but this was a major milestone. I'm am leaving all that special medical equipment behind as I journey forward to normalcy.

Update: Cool news! I woke up this morning, stepped on the scale, and smiled. Today I reached 250. I'm now down 65 pounds and falling! Woo hoo!!!