#79 - Thinking about weight ALL the time!

I hate that when I'm fat I think about my weight pretty much every waking minute of every day. And no, I'm not constantly thinking I need to lose weight or what exactly do I weigh, but rather, it's this subtle thing I do all day long thinking about my weight in different ways. Let me give you an example of my thought process.

A typical day:

I wake up in the morning head to the bathroom, do my morning rituals and then weigh myself (thought #1 about weight for the day). Then I slip on some clothes and consider how big my butt looks in these jeans (thought #2). I pick out a shirt long enough that disguises my flabby tummy (thought #3). I survey my choices in the full length mirror, noticing that I look a little bloated today, maybe it was something I ate yesterday (#4). I head downstairs and hear the stairs creak as I walk down, and I wonder if I were thinner would the stairs creak so much (#5). I wander into the kitchen tired and hungry, in search of breakfast. I open the cupboards and consider which cereal to eat... Lucky Charms (too much sugar will make me gain weight - #6)... Cheerios (pretty good choice, in the long run might help me lose weight - #7)... Fiber One (better choice, nutritionists say fiber can really help the weight loss process - #8)... then decide I decide on the Cheerios. I go to the cupboard and look for a bowl... hmm... big bowl? little bowl? The little bowl is better portion control for weight loss (#9). I take my little bowl of Cheerios to the living room and watch some morning TV as I eat. A commercial with a waif thin model comes on trying to sell me tampons. I think "could I ever be that thin?" (#10). Before I can blink, my cheerios are gone, and I think I ate way too fast, do skinny people eat this fast? I really should slow down my eating to help me lose weight (#11). I relax a bit before work with a little more TV. More commercials with skinny people remind me how much weight I have to lose and I think about my weight loss goals for the umpteenth time (#12). I grab my keys and head out the door for work. I walk downstairs to the garage, again hearing the stairs creak, so I think again about if I were thinner they probably wouldn't creak so much (#13). I hop in the car and fasten my seatbelt and remember that just a few months ago I couldn't even fasten my seatbelt cause I was so fat (#14). I drive to work and pull into my parking space in the garage and hop out of the car. My parking space is about a block or so from my building to I start walking in. I get about 100 meters and my calves start to ache from carrying the weight of my body (damn I'm too fat - #15). It makes me think I am so out of shape and I really need to step up my exercise program if I really want to keep losing weight (#16). I make it into the building and hit the button for the elevator. I see a skinny guy pass the elevator and run up the stairs. If I were thinner would I walk up the stairs? (#17) But then I consider that he probably works on the 2nd floor while I work on the 11th floor. I would die walking up 11 flights of stairs at this size (#18). As I wait for the elevator I realize how sore my calf muscles are from walking and I stretch a little bit again chastising myself for not exercising more (#19). The elevator door opens and I get in, as the doors close my eyes wander to the weight limit sign on the elevator... 2500 pounds?... OK I guess I'm not too fat to ride the elevator (#20). I arrive on my floor and walk to my office, greeting my co-workers as they pass by. "Hi there," (Wow she looks skinny in those jeans! Why can't I be that skinny? - #21). "Good morning," (I bet she has never been on a diet in her life, while I've been on one since birth - #22). "How you doing?" (omg, why do men never have to worry about weight? he is so thin! - #23). I plop down at my desk, still slightly out of breath from the walking, and think more that I NEED to exercise more to get over this huffing and puffing thing (#24). I open up my email and see I have some new comments on my blog (I LOVE to read comments!!!). I read the comments and think about my next post, thinking about my weight loss progress (#25). After that, I'm ready to start my work day.

OK you get the idea. That was a slice of my life in about a two hour window and I thought about weight or weight loss 25 times!!! And this is no exaggeration. In fact, I have probably left out some of my "fat" thoughts. But let's say this is pretty typical. Multiply the number of my thoughts about weight in a given hour by 16 (the waking hours - cause strangely I'm always thin in my dreams, so I never think about being fat when I'm asleep - lol). That comes to an average of 200 times I think about weight in a given day. And like I said, this is probably an underestimate. OK maybe I'm insane, or OCD, or something, but from what I hear from other fat people, this is pretty typical. Am I right? Do you think about weight this much?

I really hate this about being fat. Sure, EVERYONE thinks about weight at some point, probably even everyday... should I eat that Snickers bar? do these jeans make me look fat? I should eat more fruits and veggies to help my weight..... etc., etc. But I think it's only fat people that totally obsess over it, that are consumed by these thoughts every waking minute of every day. I know when I was thinner, I didn't obsess like this, I didn't CONSTANTLY think about it. I hate being fat! Damn, it really takes a lot of energy to constantly think about weight. I really need to focus my attention to more productive things (like losing weight... #26... hehe, just kidding...well OK, maybe not, hahaha).

#78 - I hate feeling that the only thing keeping me from being truly happy is my weight!

I think a lot of us believe this, that we'll never find true happiness until the weight is gone. Is that true? Or is this just something we've imposed on ourselves, like not letting ourselves feel happy cause we're supposed to miserable when we're fat? Or are we unhappy and that's why we got fat in the first place? I don't know. What came first: the chicken or the egg? I know right now in my life I should be totally happy. I have brains, I'm just finishing up grad school and have great prospects for a wonderful career. I have many talents, I seem to learn new things with ease. I'm pretty, well at least I think I'm pretty when I'm a bit thinner. I've fallen madly in love with a wonderful man that loves me too. But there is this nagging thing in the back of head telling me I don't deserve happiness because I'm fat. What is wrong with me? Like I said, I should be head over heels happy with my life, but noooooooo, all I can think about is my weight failures. I need to remind myself over and over and over and over again how far I've already come at losing weight. Damn it! I've lost 59 pounds!!!! That rocks, right? But of course, that nagging voice in the back of my head tells me...... you still have soooooo many pounds to lose sweetie!! Maybe that's our downfall, always focusing on the negative side of things. It's my default state - to think the worst. I have to constantly tell myself to be happy, that I'm allowed to be happy, that I should be happy, that I deserve to be happy!!! Why is this so hard?

And even still, something tells me I'll be much happier when I've lost the weight. Hmmm, maybe that's true though. You never know. I've heard from some people that have lost a lot of weight that say they are SOOOO much happier thin than they were fat. That finally their lives all came together as the pounds were shed. That they finally have the energy to really go out and live their lives for the first time, finally enjoying everything that life has to offer. But on the flip side, I've heard from people that also have lost a lot of weight that say they are just as miserable thin as they were fat. That nothing changed in their lives. That the only improvement in their lives was a lower grocery bill and less health problems. That there was no magic fairy at the end of their weight loss journey granting them true happiness. So what will it be like for us? Maybe it's realistic to imagine that most of us will fall in the middle of the road from these extremes. I imagine that life will be much better for me at a thinner weight, because of health and energy levels and self confidence. And no, I'm not waiting for some miraculous transformation to a super happy person. Though one never knows... look what happened to Richard Simmons! Weight loss made him the happiest guy on the planet, I think! Well who knows, maybe I'll turn back into the perky cheerleader I once was (omg yes... you read right...I was a cheerleader).

I guess I know that becoming skinny won't in and of itself make me happy, but I do feel that it will help me to be happier with myself. I always say, it's all about the confidence. And for me, when I'm thin (or at least healthy - my "thin" equals about 175-190), I am a happier person because I'm a much more confident person. But maybe I have this all backwards. Maybe the happiness HAS to come first. Maybe I'm losing weight more successfully this time cause I AM happy now, and shedding the pounds is only a side effect of the happier me. I'm not sure. I guess I do have to admit that I am a happier person today than I was a year ago. Is this because I've lost 59 pounds? Or is it something else? All I know for certain is that I deserve to be healthy, I deserve to live the kind of life I want to lead, and most of all I deserve to be truly happy!

#77 - Not recognizing myself in the mirror

I can remember this one day in my life very clearly. I was shopping with my mom at the mall. We were doing a bit of window shopping, ooo'ing and ahh'ing about the clothes we wanted to buy. I walked by one store and caught site of a reflection of a really fat girl in the glass of the store window, and thought to myself, "Look at that poor girl, how sad." Then that's when I realized I was looking at a reflection of myself. At first I didn't even realize it was me. When had I gotten so fat? Who was this girl staring back at me? I didn't even know her. I remember this day so clearly, over 15 years ago, when I got so fat I didn't even recognize my own reflection.

I still find that I do this every once in a while, catch site of myself in the reflection of a building or something, and for one split second not realize it's me. I always tell you about how I'm a pretty confident person. Shit, I don't think I would have survived my life without a healthy bit of confidence pushing me through all the struggles! But even in my most confident moments, when I turn and see myself in the mirror and say, "Oh yeah, I'm fat, I forgot"; that's when my confidence goes in the toilet. I can be having the best day ever, but one look in the mirror can crumble my ego and my spirits. I hate this about being fat! And some days when I'm feeling all girly and pretty, and doll myself up all nice, I look in the mirror and am reminded that all the makeup and pretty clothes in the world wont hide the fact that I'm fat. Maybe this is why so many of us don't bother with dressing up or wearing makeup, cause why does it matter anyway, right? Well, that's crap! It does matter. Taking care of yourself makes you feel better. If you feel better, who cares what you look like in the mirror? If you feel good, you feel confident, you really do look better. In the past I've had people ask me if I had lost weight when I had in fact gained weight, because they just happened to catch me on a very good day where I had my head held high and beamed infectious confidence. Really, it's confidence that we all find so attractive. Sure a body like Cindy Crawford helps (haha), but confidence can be just as appealing. But on the flip side, when I look at myself in the mirror and can't even recognize the image looking back at me, I have a hard time mustering up much confidence.

I'm not making overly optimistic weight loss goals. I just want to get down to a healthier weight range. Honestly, right now if I can break 200, that's a great start. And in my quest to achieve a healthier me I want to be able to look in the mirror and say, "Yup, that's me," and not have it negatively influence my life. I know, most people are never truly happy with how they look. But I think as we lose weight, we just need to remember back to our heaviest selves and realize how healthy and beautiful we've become, to realize that even if we're not perfect, we're so much better off than we were. So even if I only get down to 200, or 190, or 180, or whatever, it's SO much better than 315! I guess we need to remember where we've been and how far we've come, then maybe when we look in the mirror we'll be happy with what we see. I think I need to practice a bit of what I preach, cause I was feeling kind of low today when I looked in the mirror and just thought, "Yuck!" I need to remind myself over and over again that where I am now is so much more attractive than where I was. 256 looks much prettier than 315! Of course there is room for considerable improvement, but I want that reflection of myself to stop passing judgment on me. I want to stop taking her opinion so seriously, and just feel comfortable with the way I look and not have my reflection dictate the kind of day I'm going to have. I just want to look into the mirror and see me. I just want to be able to walk by a store and recognize my own reflection!

#76 - Cellulite

Sorry I haven't posted in a while. I was in the processes of moving. Why is it that when you move you discover how much unnecessary crap you have? Omg, I couldn't believe how many boxes it took to pack up all my stuff. Unfortunately I inherited the pack-rat tendency from my dad. I suppose I am destined to live a life of clutter! One upside to this whole moving process was some weight loss. I was worried cause, like I've said before, I'm a daily weigher, and once my scale got packed away, I couldn't weigh myself for over a week. I was also worried cause I was eating a lot of take out food. You know, no pots, no pans, no plates, no glasses = many nights of junk food. :( I was feeling totally bloated from the massive quantities of MSG I'd been consuming so I was absolutely sure I packed on some pounds during the move. The other day I finally found my scale amid the sea of boxes in my new house. I was kind of dreading to see how much weight I had put on, but to my surprise I had actually lost weight. And not just a little weight. I guess moving into a 4 story condo (all stairs - no elevator) was just the exercise I needed to combat all the take out food cause in about a week I had lost 8 pounds!!! Yes you read right - 8 pounds!!! I was sure my weight loss would be temporary, probably due to water weight loss from all the exercise, but so far I've kept the weight off for over a week now. I think going from one level living to 4 levels has helped me get in more exercise. It's like having a built-in stairmaster that I'm forced to use everyday.

OK, OK, enough about the move, let me talk about my reason #76, why I hate being fat - the dreaded cellulite. Yeah like being fat isn't hard enough, why do my fat thighs have to look like cottage cheese? And I know I'm not alone in this. It's estimated that 80-90% of all women have cellulite. We all hate it! I've even seen some pictures of models before airbrushing and noticed a bit of cellulite on them too. Turns out not even the perfect people are free from this blight. Now that I've been losing a fair bit of weight, I've been trying to do everything I can to make the best of what I have. I'm spending more time on my hair, makeup, skin, nails, etc., including trying to make my cellulite look better. LOL I know this might be a lost cause, but what the heck, let me try to make it look better. There are a lot of procedures and products out on the market that seem to me to be total crap. I really don't know how much a massage is going to help take away this fat, or if some miracle cream will miraculously dissolved the little lumps. It kind of seems like a waste of money to me. It's probably smarter to work on losing weight now, and worrying about getting rid of cellulite later (if that's possible haha).

But I did read an article recently in Shape magazine about inexpensive things you can do to help combat cellulite. First and foremost was diet and exercise. It's so true about having a good diet. When you eat right and drink enough water your skin really starts to glow. I know if I've had a few days of junk food (*ahem* like take out for several nights in a row) my skin looks oily and dull and I feel awful and tired. But after even a few days eating more fruits and veggies and drinking more water, my skin clears, my face brightens and I feel more energetic. Anyway, back to cellulite. So one of the theories is that you can try to help the cellulite from the inside out. Get your insides healthy first, then the outside will appear healthier too. Another tip to combat the cellulite was to use cheap over the counter lotions to try to soften the appearance of the bumpy skin. I thought 'hey I'll give one of these products a try, what can it hurt?' So I forked out about $7 for a tube of cellulite cream from the drug store. Every night I slather the lotion on my thighs and hope for the best. In a couple weeks my skin is already looking a bit smoother. Remember I am losing weight too, so it's not like some miracle lotion or anything. But it does appear to be firming up my skin a bit as promised. My thighs are looking smoother than they have looked in years. But honestly, would I have seen the same results from any old lotion? My guess is probably. I think the point is that you need to keep your skin hydrated to make it look soft and supple, to help minimize the look of the cellulite. Cellulite sucks, but remember we all have it, so you are definitely not alone in this battle! It's not just a problem for fat people, it's a problem for skinny people too. I will leave you with this: Good luck fighting your lumps and bumps! And in the future, may you only have dimples on the cheeks of your face and not the cheeks of your butt. :)

Update: I posted a new before pic on my Progress Pics page. It's a better pic that really shows what 315 on me looks like. It also makes my progress look much better!!! LOL Anyway, take a peek, see what you think.