#75 - Not feeling normal

I hate that when I'm fat I just don't feel normal. I crave normalcy in my life. I don't want to be fat. I don't want to be skinny. I just want to be normal, average, middle of the road, the girl next door, or something like that. I know lots of people don't feel normal for many reasons besides weight. Maybe you have a disease and this makes you feel abnormal. Maybe you are really clumsy and feel like an oddball. Or maybe you can't pat your head and rub your belly at the same time and this makes you feel like a weirdo. There are so many reasons. For me, it's fat. Being the fattest person in the room makes me feel abnormal. On the other hand, what would the world be like if we all looked the same, acted the same and did the same things? Hmm, sounds pretty boring to me. I guess our abnormal selves make up the normal world as we know it. I guess I should embrace the fact that I'm different, that I'm not just another number in the crowd.

I think during my life so far I've tried to make up for my failures at weight by becoming an overachiever in many other aspects of my life. I guess I keep trying to prove to everyone, and myself, that I am a worthy person, that I'm fun and interesting, smart and talented. You pick a hobby I've probably attempted it or even mastered it. Drawing and painting, photography, knitting, computers, genealogy, and many other crafty endeavors. I always wonder if I put as much energy into my health and weight loss as I do in my hobbies, what would I look like? Damn, I'd probably be a super model. But maybe I turned to other hobbies because I've always failed at weight loss in the past and needed to reassure myself that I was somebody, that could accomplish something. I really need to think about this as something I did in the past. Because this time I'm actually losing weight successfully this time. This is the first time in my life when I've been able to lose over 50 pounds all on my own! No pills, no powders, no starvation, no surgery. Now damn, if that's not an accomplishment I don't know what is! Maybe I've finally taken up the hobby of me, taking care of myself the way I need to be taken care of, spending time on myself, acting healthy, being healthy. It's taken me all these years of being fat, but I feel like I'm finally taking the time to really do something about it. It's like I had to get my head into the right place to finally do it and do it right. I keep chipping away at these pounds one pound at a time. With each pound lost I feel more healthy and more confident. And to tell you the truth, I'm actually starting to feel pretty normal again.

#74 - My outer body doesn't match my inner self

I know a lot of people have disorders where they perceive that they are much heavier than they are. Like those anorexic chicks that think they are completely obese. I've always said that I have the opposite problem, I've always felt I looked thinner than I actually was. Maybe this is why I've maintained a relatively solid ego all these years, cause I never really felt I was so fat. Maybe that's why I got so fat anyway, cause I never noticed the pounds creeping on. So I've always known I was at least chubby, and in my mind's eye I see myself as about 180 or 190, when in fact I'm more like 260-something. I guess it's a good thing that I have pretty good self esteem, but maybe I need to work a little harder at noticing the true reality of my body, that yes in fact I am quite fat. I guess this is why I try to pay attention to the numbers on the scale. I know a lot of experts that say not to focus so much on weight, but rather pay attention to how you feel or how you look or how your clothes fit. That's just too hard for me. I'm a scientist, I deal in absolutes, facts, hard data, clear cut evidence. So I need something concrete like numbers to keep me focused. That's why I watch the numbers on the scale so closely, why I'm a daily weigher. I wonder if when I lose the weight will my mind continue to play tricks on me? Will I always see myself as thinner than I really am? I suppose that's a good thing. My goal is to get to a about 180. Maybe at that weight I'll see myself as a super model or something. Who knows.

So my weight loss has stalled a bit again. It always seems to be a bit of two steps forward one step back for me. I seem to lose weight in spurts. But in the end it all works out and I'm still averaging about a pound lost per week (though lately I think I've slowed a bit to 3 pounds a month lost). I think so far I've been able to lose a lot just by eating healthier, but now I'm getting to the point where I need to step up my exercise program a bit. I am definitely not a lover of exercising, it seems so unnatural for me. My default is to do as little activity as humanly possible, so the thought of climbing onto a torture device, oh I mean my elliptical, and forcing myself to exercise seems wrong. Doing exercise is an uphill battle for me. I know it's good for me, I know my body needs it, I know I'll lose more weight if I do it, I know it will help me maintain all the weight I've lost, but does this motivate me? Nope. I'd rather not exercise, thank you very much. I'm in the process of moving so I know I'll be getting some exercise from all the packing and moving, so I guess that's good. But it's also been the reason I've been avoiding exercise lately. My house is in an utter shambles right now, I can barely stand in the living room let alone exercise with a DVD. One good thing about moving is that in my new house I'm creating a workout room. Maybe this will finally inspire me to workout. At least the newness of having a special workout room might make me try to exercise a little bit more. I think adding more exercise to my life is the only way I'm going to make it to my goal, and maybe the only way I can finally get my inner self to match my outer self.

#73 - Thinking that people are ashamed of me

This topic has been on my mind a lot lately. So I told you earlier I've been dating someone online for a while and we've been planning to meet. He knows how heavy I am and is fine with it. He's seen plenty of pictures and even video, so there will be no surprises for him about my size. So I'm planning a trip to go see him in the next couple months. Not only will I get to meet him in person, but I'll also be meeting his friends and his family. This is what scares me the most. I'm not that scared of meeting him, cause like I said, he already knows I'm fat. But I'm terrified to meet his family. Maybe not in the way you might expect. I'm scared to think that my boyfriend will be ashamed of me, ashamed to introduce his fat girlfriend to his friends and family. This makes me feel so bad. I wish I were thinner so that my looks would be something he was proud to show off. I know, maybe this is all too shallow of me. I know he really cares about me no matter what I look like, and he'll probably be very proud to introduce me to his friends, but this is something that eats away at me in the back of my head. I think when it comes down to it I just need to stop thinking about all this so much. If my friends are true friends, they won't be ashamed of me. They love me for me, fat or thin.

By nature I'm a complete worry wort. I sit and think up all these scenarios, constantly keeping myself in a state of utter panic. Why do I do this to myself? I'm sure in the end everything will be fine. We'll meet, he'll introduce me to his friends, and if, by some chance, they are turned off by my weight, my charming personality will win them over in the end. This is usually how it works out anyway. Maybe I get a bad first impression from people, but usually within minutes people seem to be very comfortable around me and we talk and laugh, and it's no big deal. I've actually met very few people that I felt were true fat bigots, people that didn't like me clearly because of my weight. I guess it's these few people that have made me lose faith in man-kind, made me think all people are hateful and mean. But I know it's not true. Deep down inside I know that people really do care about what's on the inside more than the outside. Sure the media would like us to think otherwise, but it's true. And maybe being fat has given us an unfair chance at a good first impression, but at least there is something we can do about it. I think this is a good thing to think about. We can choose to lose weight. But people that are truly ugly on the inside, you know, the real assholes, they probably can't change. They will always be ugly on the inside. At least this is something positive about having a flawed exterior, you can change it. And from my personal experience all this struggle has actually made me a better person on the inside. I think now that I'm stronger, more compassionate, more patient, more accepting, than I ever had been in the past. Having to deal with ridicule and judgment, heartache and sadness, loneliness and isolation, has actually made me turn inward and become the person I am today. And really, I know that I am a person people would be proud to know, I'm no one to be ashamed of!

#72 - I want to wear cute strappy sandals, not wide-ass shoes!!

Maybe I'm just cursed with wide feet, but I find that when I'm fat, I need to wear wider shoes than normal. I hate this. It's summer and I'd like to be sporting some cute little strappy shoes. But instead, I'm usually in wide shoes. :( I remember as a thin person going into shoes shops and picking up the newest cutest little shoes and slipping them on with ease. Now, forget about it! Attempting to put on narrow little shoes is a joke! I can barely fit my toes into many of these shoes let alone my whole foot. It's quite comical actually, seeing me try on new shoes. There I am trying to squeeze my chunky feet into waaaaayy to tight of shoes. Even if I manage to squeeze my feet into the shoes, they usually look awful, with my chubby feet attempting to bust free, straining the straps to their limit. Honestly, I have some funny but cute feet. If that makes sense, lol. I have these pretty short looking feet when compared to the width of my feet. Pretty much my feet look like Hobbit feet (without all the hair, of course). But I do my best with what I have. I have found that strappy thong shoes work out pretty well, allowing my wide feet some room to breathe. That's about the only strappy shoes I can wear at this point. So I'm buying up as many pairs of flip flops and thongs as I can. I've got a pair for any outfit, casual or dressy, flats or heels, and every color to boot. Am I alone in this struggle? Are there other wide (*ahem* fat) footed people out there? Or is this just me? Do I just truly have wide feet? Hmm, don't know. But I do remember a time when I wore "thin" shoes! Now that I think about it, not only more narrow, but I wore a smaller size when I was thinner. Did my feet grow? Possibly, but it's probably just that I need more space to accommodate my fat feet. Who knows? Maybe I'll go from 9W back down to a 8. Guess I'll have to wait and see. Damn, guess I'll have to replace both my clothes AND my shoes when I lose weight. Only time will tell. But there are a pair of Jimmy Choos with my name on them waiting for me when I make it to goal.