#71 - Stomach getting in the way of everything

First off, thanks so much for all your awesome comments!! Man you guys really motivate me to keep at it!!! It was tough for me to post pics of myself. But your words of support and encouragement really made my day!! Thank you so much!!!!!

OK, so reason #71 - My stomach. I really hate that it gets in the way of everything. Sometimes I feel like a pregnant woman, with the big protruding belly. At my heaviest, I couldn't even tie my shoes let alone see my feet. I just couldn't bend over far enough cause my gut would get in the way. So is it better now that I've lost 53 (yes 53!!!) pounds? Hmm, not so much. Haha. Now my trouble is a lot of loose skin, which still seems to get in the way, but never the less, truthfully it is better. I'll take loose skin over fat any day!!! I just really hope that all this skin with start to firm up at some point. It's not a pretty sight. I used to have rolls of fat, now I have rolls of skin. Yuck-o. I really don't want to go through the pain of a tummy tuck at some point. I'm not against cosmetic surgery, but I'd prefer to not do it. I lost a ton (OK not a ton - 50 pounds) of weight when I was 23 and my stomach shrunk right up. I'm hoping and praying for the skin elasticity of a 23 year old now at 33. Guess my new mantra should be: firm skin, firm skin, firm skin. But I'm doing what I can to help the process along, eat good healthy foods, exercise to help with toning, and moisturize as an attempt to help keep my skin elastic. I guess I'll just have to wait and see what happens. But what ever happens I know that I'll be much happier knowing I'm healthier even if it means a little saggy skin. :))

I seem to have busted through my little plateau quite amazingly cause I didn't change anything I was doing. Guess my body just needed a little time to adjust. I think this is a really important lesson about sticking to it. I was starting to get really frustrated seeing the same number on the scale every day (I'm a daily weigher - I just have to, it keeps me focused). Anyway, I knew that sometimes the body resists weight loss and can be stubborn (I completely understand that, I'm a Taurus so I know stubborn). So I knew I just had to keep trying, that eventually I WOULD lose more, and sure enough the weight starting coming off again. I seem to making up for lost time though, and I seem to be losing kinda fast this week. I'm sure I'll be back in another plateau in no time, it's just the way my body deals with weight loss. In the end it all averages out to about 1 pound lost per week, a nice healthy rate of weight loss. And I'm happy to report that with every pound lost, my stomach shrinks more and more. Yay!!

Progress Pics

Pics Update

I found a better before pic of myself. It was taken at Halloween, so you must forgive the costume - hehe. I was a hanged Salem witch, a very buxom Salem witch lol. Anyway, I think this is a much better pic that shows me at my highest weight - 315, and it also helps to show what a 50 pound loss looks like when compared to my new pic.

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OK, OK, you asked, you begged, and now I'll deliver. A lot of you have wanted to see progress pics of my journey. I've been hesitant to post any pictures of myself. I hate having my picture taken, ok who doesn't? And so far the only real life pic I've showed you is my profile pic - me at 3 years old. :)

Anyway, I thought today would be the day that I would share some pics with you. I really had to search for a before pic. Like I said I hate having my pic taken, so I really didn't find many fat fat pics of myself. But I searched high and low and finally found one.

So, why today? Why did I finally decide to show you pics? Well I had to mark today with something special. You see, today I got on the scale, and was amazed that I hit the 50 pounds lost mark! Can you believe it? This is the first time in my life when I've lost 50 pounds without following some crazy plan, or taking pills, or having surgery. I did it all on my own!! I still have a long way to go, but at least I've made some serious progress! It's taken me 10 months to lose 50 pounds. So it's been slow, but pretty steady.

-----------315-----------------------265------------

Personally, I don't see a huge difference in the pics, but my clothes size really shows the difference. I used to wear a very tight 28, now I'm comfortable in loose 22's. I don't have the best before pic, so maybe you can't see the difference either, but trust me, I FEEL SO MUCH BETTER now 50 pounds less! I guess with this post I just wanted to show you that if you work at it anyone can lose weight. You don't need some crazy diet or even surgery. Just be persistent, eat less, move more, and most of all keep a positive outlook. I'm on my way to my goal. It's a good start and I know I have a long road ahead me yet, but I won't let this get me down. In fact, it motivates me even more to know that I've accomplished what I have all on my own. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I see a healthy weight in my future. I know that I can do it! And if I can do it, so can you! Good luck and keep working hard!

#70 - Feeling Alone

Wow, I've been in a posting mood lately! I guess I've had a lot on my mind that I had to share. Anyway, I've been thinking about this reason a lot lately. Since I've been fat I've felt so alone. It's kind of two-fold I think. Part of it is that I've isolated myself away from the world, not wanting to face ridicule from others, but the other part is that even when I am trying to be out there in the world, I'm totally ignored. Have you ever noticed that? It's like fat people are invisible sometimes. How many times have you gone into a store and had no one says a word to you? The clerks totally ignoring you, unless you go out of your way to ask for help. Why is that? Is it that they just don't like fat people? Fat bigots in other words? I don't know. Or is it that they just don't want to deal with their own insecurities and just avoid fat people to save them from the reminder that they too have a few pounds to lose?

So I'm getting to this age where I'm really starting to think about settling down and finding a mate. I'm 33 for God's sake, I'm not getting any younger people. I feel like that window to find a husband, start a family and live happily ever after is starting to slip through my fingers. I just don't want to be alone anymore. I'm tired of the single life. I want to find a mate. I know a lot of you talk about finding your husbands and wives even when you were (or are) fat. But I feel like the odds are stacked against you in your search for love. I know, I know. You shouldn't "search" for love, it just smacks you in the face when you least expect it. But you know I mean, I'm just out there hoping that love will find me, and I'm very open to the possibility. At least for me, I don't have men beating down my door for a date. I think when I am this heavy, very few people find me attractive or show any interest. And the men that have comin' a callin' in the past aren't the kind of men I see myself marrying. Honestly I think a lot this is self-imposed though. I just don't see myself as a fat bride. Maybe I held off from the idea of marriage until I finish going through my metamorphosis into the healthier version of me. I don't know. Maybe that's why I haven't dated much in recent years, why I haven't allowed anyone to get close. I'm not sure. What I am sure about now is that I'm sick of that!! It's time for me to get healthy (and I am - 49 pounds down - yay busted that little plateau) and reclaim my life. To finally live my life the way I always envisioned. I am so ready to step out from the shadows and stop being the invisible girl!

#69 - SEX!!!

OK, I just couldn't resist the opportunity to be a little punny and dedicate reason #69 to sex. For me this is one of the biggest reasons I hate being fat. Three things come to mind when I think about being fat and the idea of sex. I hate that when I'm fat sex is either a) a physical impossibility due to size limits and/or lack of stamina, b) a social improbability because no man in the Tri-State area finds me remotely attractive or c) something I wouldn't even consider because I absolutely abhor the idea of taking my clothes off in front of another human being. So all of these reasons have left me in a sexual dry spell for some time.

But now I'm currently dating someone online and we are planning to meet in person soon, so I've been thinking quite a bit about the topic of sex even more recently (hehe). I've lost almost 50 pounds now, so my body is definitely starting to shape up a bit, but don't get me wrong, I have a long way to go until I'm comfortable in my own skin and start to take on a "normal" shape. To top it off, the man I'm seeing is average sized, which, for me, adds another layer of insecurity. I dated a heavy guy last fall, and it didn't seem so bad to get naked in front of him. I mean, at least he knew what it was like, so maybe he was more accepting, I don't know. But a thin guy? Will he be as accepting? I guess I'll have to wait and see if it even comes to that. Who knows? I have no idea what will happen.

I'm trying very hard at this point to be confident and proud of who I am, stretch marks and all. I think when you are confident people see you quite differently. They see the happy, strong woman I am. I think a confident attitude can take you a long way, helping some people see past the physical. Some... I think self confidence helps you stay motivated too. If you constantly put yourself down, why would you bother working hard to help better yourself by losing weight? You wouldn't. So staying positive and confident definitely helps me to stay motivated. But I must say, the prospect of sex on the horizon has been an amazing motivator to keep me working on my weight loss. It's made me step up my exercise program a bit too. I suppose it's stupid of me to think that a few more crunches or a few more minutes on the elliptical will bring about earth shattering results in a short time, but at least it's keeping me motivated.

#68 - The joys of summer - Chafing of my inner thighs

Summer is fast approaching. June 21st is almost here. The chill of winter is long gone and the crisp spring mornings turn to hot and sticky summer afternoons. I should be elated with the increasing temperatures, but really, I'm not. What does the fat person look forward to in the summer? Sure the extra sun is great and I love spending more time outdoors playing around and barbecuing, but really, deep down inside I dread summer. Summer means I will invariably be overheated on most days. I've already touched on this in another post about how I hate wearing skimpy clothes, so in the summer I'm usually hot, from the sweltering temps outside, from the fact that I'm overdressed trying to cover up the bulk, and the simple fact that I carry all this excess weight that one can liken to wearing a wool sweater into a sauna. Summertime definitely brings out many of the reasons I hate being fat. But one of my favorites is that in the summer I get some wicked chafing of my inner thighs. It's the perfect combination: bulky thighs that rub together, causing some nice friction, a little moisture from the sweat, and wham-o, the chafing occurs. Sometimes it feels like I'm wearing corduroy pants, making that swoosh swoosh sound. I should own stock in Johnson & Johnson for the amount of baby powder I've gone through in my lifetime attempting to lessen the burn of my chafing thighs. But really the only remedy for chafing thighs, I think, is to lose weight. So here's the amazing thing. It's been pretty hot here already, enough to feel sticky on some days, but surprisingly I haven't noticed any chafing yet. Has my weight loss so far been enough to stave off the friction? So I'm 48 pounds down now (I seem to be stuck in a nice plateau about now - grrr), and maybe now I can actually enjoy my summer without dousing myself with quarts of baby powder. I actually look forward to the 90 degree days to test the hypothesis (that's the scientist in me talking, lol). We shall see. Maybe this summer, *gasp*, I will actually break out the shorts and finally stay cool. So with this post I will leave you saying: Happy Summer! Good luck on your weight loss! And may your thighs stay free from friction and burn!!

#67 - Completely wasting my 20's

I thought about it, and I realized that I've been fat for over 15 years. I pretty much starting packing on the pounds at the end of high school. By the time I was 18 I was obese. I had a really active dating life during high school, but once I got fat, my social life waned. And by the time I was in in my 20's, and fat, I was in social isolation. After my high school sweetheart and I broke up, in my early 20's, I stopped dating all together. It kind of became this vicious cycle. I thought I was too fat to date, so I felt bad and gained more weight, which of course made me want to date less and less, and so on and so on. You get the idea. So here I am now, 33, and still not doing too much dating. I don't even go out very often with my friends (on a side note though I think this is more about my age, cause my thin friends complain about being too tired to go out much anymore either). I feel like my fatness has made me a self-induced recluse. That makes me really sad when I think about it. What happened to my 20's? Isn't that supposed to be a time when you go out and party, when you meet lots of new people, when you find love, when you enjoy life the most? I feel like I completely wasted my 20's away feeling self conscious and ashamed. I'm only now becoming aware of what I've been doing all these years, and I'm trying to make changes. In the past year I've started dating a bit again. Though I must say the whole body-self-conscious thing still gets me. I have a really hard time being comfortable taking my clothes off in front of anyone. And it's not just a matter of deciding to date either. It's not like I have men beating down my door for a date. Honesty, how many men are attracted to women that are 100 pounds over weight? Sure they are out there, but there aren't many! I just feel like I've spent so much time trying to fill my voids with food that I forgot to live. I forgot how important contact with other people is. I forgot how important touch is. I feel like I've wasted so much precious time that I will never get back. What happened to my 20's? But I won't let it get me down. I won't let it contribute to that vicious cycle thing of feeling bad and getting fatter. No more!! I'm breaking that cycle!! The only thing I can do now is to keep at it, keep losing weight and getting healthy, keep trying to be more social and date, keep trying to live my life to the fullest again. Life is too short, we don't have time to waste it!!