#66 - Never getting clothes for gifts anymore

So it was my birthday a couple weeks ago and it got me to thinking about presents - yay presents! Anyway, one thing I realized is that since I've been fat, I don't get clothes as gifts anymore. I remember getting special sweaters at Christmas or pretty dresses for my birthday, but nope, no more. I'm sure my friends and family don't want to insult me by asking for my clothing size, so they get me safe gifts like books or CDs. But I hate that. I really used to love getting clothes for presents. I would hang on to those special items for years, because they had such sentimental value to them. It would be really special to pull out the fancy dress or sweater and remember the person that got it for me. It made my clothes have more meaning. But I can't do that anymore. Now clothes are just something that I have to wear to cover myself up with. I find I don't really care what I wear when I'm fat. I go through clothing sizes so fast it seems, that I never have time to attach any significant emotional value to any of my clothes. The sizes go up, I toss the skinny ones, the sizes go down, I toss the big ones. An endless cycle of donations to the Goodwill. It's funny though, I actually still hung onto a couple pieces of clothes from my skinny days that were gifts, because they really did hold meaning for me. I would love to be able to wear them again someday, though I think they would be horribly out of style, being from circa 1985. I guess I just need to look forward to the day when I'm a more normal size and people aren't afraid to ask me for my size, then hopefully I'll get some new clothes for gifts.

So on a side note... I get a lot of requests for updates on my progress so here goes. Actually the weight loss is going amazing!!! I feel like some gypsy from a Stephen King novel has touched me and whispered "Thinner". The weight seems to be falling off at a pretty descent clip. I'm down 48 pounds now, seeing numbers on the scale I haven't seen in years! What's my secret? Everyone always asks. No secret! I'll say it again and again! Eat less, move more! But more recently I've added another big helper. No TV. I've been pretty addicted to this virtual reality game Second Life (see my post about it), and I've actually not watched TV in over a month. I can't believe it, something actually got me to stop watching TV. Sure, I've switched from one addiction to another, I'll admit that, but it's an addiction that doesn't involve endless hours of munching away on snacks. Sure I still watch the occasional DVD, so I'm not completely void of TV, but no more network TV. I used to spend probably a good 6-8 hours (maybe more!) in front of the boob tube every night. During which time I would most likely consume a gigantic dinner, some kind of salty snacky thing, a dessert or two, then some more chips or something. I would just eat and eat and eat in front of the TV. Then I found Second Life, and filled my void with yet another addiction (I think all of us heavy set folk have issues with addiction, face it food is our drug, so it's easy to get addicted to pretty much anything). The difference with my endless hours on the computer is that I don't eat much in front of the monitor and keyboard. Sure I eat, but it's not that mindless TV zombie eating. I actually think about what I want to eat, I don't just eat for eating sake. We hear the expects talk about kids getting fatter and fatter in today's society and that TV plays a major role in this. Well, now that I've seen it first hand I have to completely agree! Give it a try, shut of the TV, even if for a few hours. I know, then what will you do? Anything, anything else but TV. Surf the net, read a book, jeez, even go for a walk, anything to get yourself away from the TV. There is some horrible connection between food and TV, so you need to find some way to break that chain.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!!

You say it's your birthday
It's my birthday too--yeah
They say it's your birthday
We're gonna have a good time
I'm glad it's your birthday
Happy birthday to you.

LOL I had to wish myself a happy birthday! I had share the best birthday present I've ever received - weight loss!! Wooohooo! What a great way to wake up on your birthday! Today I hit the 45 pounds down mark. Nice to hit a milestone on my b-day! I wish you all continued success on your struggles to get healthy throughout the coming year! If we just keep at it, we all can do it!!!

#65 - Hygiene

OK this is going to be the TMI post of all TMI posts (for those that don't know - TMI = too much information). But, you know, it really is an issue, so I gotta talk about - I just can't hold back. As a fat person, maintaining good hygiene can be a problem. Yuck, I know. But it's true. I think one problem is because we carry around all this extra weight and our bodies have to work extra hard - so we sweat a lot more than normal people. I find that if I do a little extra activity, I end up mopping my forehead of sweat, my hair ends up greasy, and I look like a mess. I end up stinky sweaty by days end. But that's only the tip of the iceberg. Getting clean can be a problem too. When I was at my heaviest, I actually had a hard time reaching all my nooks and crannies, that is without pulling a muscle going into some kind of contortionist pose. I actually had to strain to reach everything in the shower. I hated that! Luckily with a little weight gone, this isn't an issue anymore, thank God. Even all the other girly things I used to do when I was thin got tough as a big fat chick. Shaving my legs was hard, because my big gut prevented me from bending over easily. And painting my toe nails, forget about it! I could barely touch my toes let alone paint them. Which also meant giving myself good pedicures, you know getting rid of all the callouses on my feet, just didn't happen when I was at my fattest. At my heaviest I felt like a sweaty, dirty, unkempt blob. That is no way to feel like a lady! I never ever felt feminine. I'm now down 44 pounds, and I'm just now starting to feel girly again. I'm finally getting to do all the pretty primping I loved to do. It's really a cycle you know. If you can maintain cleanliness, you start to feel better about yourself, then you start to do more good things for yourself, which makes you feel better and better, and you end up looking better and better. Of course the opposite is true too. When I was really fat and not at my cleanest, I felt awful about myself, which meant I didn't really do much to keep up my appearance. I didn't really do my hair, I didn't put on any makeup, I really didn't care what clothes I wore. I just didn't care. I swear, being fat makes you feel bad, which just makes you fatter and fatter. That sucks!

There is another issue that fits into this good hygiene category, and I warn you..... TMI TMI TMI!!! Like I said before, when you are really heavy it's hard to reach all those nooks and crannies in the shower... well... imagine other reasons you need to reach down there. I found that at my highest weight I had a hard time wiping my ass. Don't get me wrong, I was always clean and fresh (or so I hoped), but it took an awful lot of twisting and stretching and straining to get the job done. Eeewww, I know! But like I said, this is an issue for a lot of fat people, another big reason I hate about being fat, so I have to put it out there and talk about it. I never needed it, but I've even seen products for the morbidly obese to help aid them in cleaning the hard to reach spots, basically tp on a stick. When I think about that, it makes me really sad.

Some people harshly judge fat folks for being dirty, stinky slobs. And many wonder why would someone ever let themselves get that way. I don't know the answer to that. Why did we let ourselves get so fat, fat to the point where it becomes sad? I don't how I got here, I don't why I couldn't see it or stop myself. But now I'm aware and I have all of these reasons that help fuel my drive to become healthy again. I never ever ever want to say again that I have a hard time reaching my ass. Oh my God! I think I have to end this post now, I have this sudden urge to go take a shower!

#64 - Sleeveless Shirts

Ooo, this is a big one for me! I absolutely hate sleeveless shirts when I'm fat. Don't you? There is nothing I hate more than a fat woman letting her arm blubber flap in the wind, protruding out from sleeveless attire! I will never be one of those women. I have completely sworn off tank tops, halters, camis, sleeveless, spaghetti straps, and the like, until I can get this arm fat under control. It's sad, but I actually think the arm fat looks worse now that I'm losing weight. I seem to have formed these skin wings that hang down from under my arms. So attractive! So I imposed a banned on all sleeveless shirts until I can not only lose the weight, but firm up that loose skin. I hope I'm one of those lucky ladies with elastic skin that is able to mold itself back to it's original firm glory. Though I've been obese for over 15 years, I may need a bit of a tuck to get a handle on the skin. I hope not though. I'm not really keen to the idea of plastic surgery. I'm sure once I hit my goal, I won't give a crap about a bit of skin as long as I weigh less. Who knows? We'll have to wait and see.

And it's not just sleeveless shirts that are forbidden from my wardrobe. No sir. I refuse to wear cap sleeves, shorts, swimsuits, and belly shirts! So why is that all of the fat shops are chocked full these items? My God, if I see another shortie top at Lane Bryant I'll die! Why on Earth do they think we want to show off the very parts that make us look fat? I know a lot of heavy women that embrace their curves and love to show them off, but let me tell you honey, no one else likes to look! I think a bit of healthy self confidence is great, don't get me wrong. But I think you can bee self confident and not show your protruding belly to the world. It gets really hard though to avoid skimpy clothes as the weather gets hotter and hotter. I would love to be comfortable in shorts and a tank during the summer when the weather is sweltering. I'm just not that comfortable to pull it off though. In the summer my wardrobe shifts from jeans and T's to capris and T's, whatever I can do to cover the blubber. And with summer approaching, beach season is just around the corner, but you won't see me in any bikini! No way! Of course there is the need to don a swimsuit now and again, but it's sheer torture for me. I know some people that cover up with a T-shirt while they swim, but who are they kidding? By the time you get wet, your T clings to your body and defeats the whole body incognito thing you were going for. So every once in a while I suck it up, put on the tankini and dive in! Albeit a little uncomfortable, but at least I'm chillin' in the pool. I look forward to the days of no banned clothing. Days when I can look into my closet and say, "What do I WANT to wear today?", and not "What CAN I wear today that won't make me look fat?" I know as long as I keep at it, someday will come sooner than I think! I can't wait!

#63 - Buffet restaurants

OK guys, am I the only one that hates buffet restaurants? As a fat person I totally try to avoid them at all costs! My reasoning is two fold. 1) It's really hard to keep control of your portions when confronted with rows and rows of delicious steaming food. I find myself saying, "Just one more egg roll..." The last time I went to an all-you-can-eat place I only allowed myself one trip to the trough - no going back for seconds, or thirds, or fourths, or... I figured it was the only way to limit my feasting! So reason 2) why I hate buffets? This is the main reason actually. 2) I hate the looks I receive when I eat in a buffet restaurant. You know what I mean... You can almost feel the groans from the staff. They're probably thinking, "Oh damn, we're gonna some more sweet and sour chicken... a lot more..." And other patrons seem to take note when a fat person eats at a buffet. I feel like I'm constantly scrutinized at these places. I end up feeling like all eyes are on me. I hate that! I'm sure a lot of this is self-imposed self-esteem bullshit, but still I always wonder what others are thinking. I think one other reason I hate these buffets is that there ARE so many fat people there. It's like I'm guilty by association. The last time I went to Sunday brunch at our local slop-and-trough (an endearing name my mom and I always use when referring to these vile buffet restaurants) the place was filled with the obese. Normally when I'm out in public I feel like the fattest one in the room, maybe there are a few chubby people or the occasionally morbidly obese person, but for the most part I feel like I represent a small percent of the population. Not so at the buffet! At the buffet I feel thin! It really makes me feel bad to see all these fat people at the buffet restaurant. I feel like it perpetuates the stereotype! Being in a buffet restaurant makes me feel like a fat cow! I hate that! And really, is there truly a need for all-you-can-eat restaurants? I know some people say, "I like them for the variety of food you can eat." But really it's, "I want to be able to stuff my gullet so full I need to roll out of the restaurant!" I think anyone serious about staying healthy and losing weight has no place in a buffet. The temptation alone will kill you!

Enough of my rant! Some of you have been asking for progress updates on my weight loss, so I thought I'd oblige you. OK the goal of this blog was to lose one pound for every reason I hated being fat. So OK, apparently I type way too damn fast, cause I'm not quite there... but I'm catching up! As of today, just by eating a little less and moving a little more I have lost 41 pounds. Yipee! I've lost this weight during the past 8 months - pretty slow - but hey, it's not a race! I'm never going to set up weight loss goal time lines again! I'll lose it when I lose it. Every time I've set some goal date in the past, I usually fail, then beat myself up, then gain the weight back. Well screw that! I'll take my sweet time losing this time. It's so much better for your body to lose it slow anyway. My opinion is that gradual changes more easily become permanent changes. And I want this time around to be my last! I hope you all are doing great on your weight loss too! Stay healthy!! Stay positive!! And do yourself a favor, stay away from the buffet!