#40 - Running into doors - I don't know my own width

Does this ever happen to you? I happens to me all the time. I apparently don't know my own girth, and as a result, I'm constantly running into door frames. I guess my brain still thinks I'm some 160 pound person. Don't get me wrong, it's not that I don't fit through doors. I just seem to miscalculate my own width, don't center myself through the door, then wham-o, I run right into the frame. Ouch! My mom does this all the time, too. So maybe it's genetic klutziness or something. I've even miscalculated my own width and ran into people before. You too? I think, "Oh I'll just sneak by that person and not disrupt them," but then I bump right into them with my shoulder. And I'm no light-weight. When I bump into people, it's probably like a linebacker ploughing into someone on the gridiron. I feel really bad when I ram into people, maybe even more embarrassed. Skinny-minis don't have this problem, do they? I'm sure everyone has their bouts with clumsiness, but I run into stuff all the time. I guess I not only miscalculate my size, but I also am a little off-balanced due to the weight, resulting in a lot of collisions. Oh well, yet another reason I hate being fat!

So the holidays are sooooooooooooooo hard to deal with when you're trying to cut sugar out of your diet and lose weight! My God, is everything made of sugar? I'm dealing with pre-diabetes and trying to be really good about making wise food choices. But damn! It's so hard this time of year! The last of the batches of Christmas cookies have been baked now (and yes there were quite a few casualties that ended up in my stomach). I'm planning on giving most of the cookies away as gifts. I know, I really should give them ALL away, but hey, it's Christmas. I need a little treat now and again. Besides, I told myself I would never go on a diet again, rather I would make better food choices in a less restrictive manner. I think it's the super strict diets that say, "You aren't allowed carbs or sugar or dairy or fat or whatever..." that result in failure. You should never say never about food. It's all about moderation. OK, the six cookies I had today was not an example of moderation, but I'm not gonna let it get me down. I think all eating plans need to allow for some kind of treats, whether they be low cal or limited to special occasions or just a bite, whatever. I just don't think we should ever say that we can't ever eat some particular thing ever again. Think about it, at some point you'll be tempted by your weakness (cookies anyone?), you'll indulge, then if you've totally restricted yourself from that item, you're going to feel totally awful like you've failed or something. That's just stupid. How about 1) never say never, 2) enjoy your favorite treats in moderation, 3) be realistic about what moderation means - a whole cheesecake is NOT moderation, 4) don't freak out if you do over do it - one day of failure will NOT erase a year of hard work. So these are the treat rules I've been following, and it's working pretty well, though I must admit the holidays are hard. I just remind myself that I'm still 20 pounds lighter than I was a few months ago, and a couple cookies aren't going to erase all the good habits I've picked up recently. So enjoy the holidays, continue to work hard toward your goals, and know that you can do it! Before you know it, you won't be running into anymore door frames.

#39 - Elevators – Will I be the one to push us over the weight limit?

Isn't that crazy talk? I know it is. But still, every time I get into an elevator my eyes wander to the designated weight limit just to check. And if the elevator is full? Well, then my brain really gets calculating, as I try to determine the total weight of the occupants in relation to the weight limit. I dread the day the alarm goes off in an elevator, alerting everyone that the carriage is over capacity. And I'm sure all eyes will turn to me as the culprit. I never used to think about stuff like this, and I'm sure most normal sized people don't have thoughts of over-weighted elevators. It's so stupid, I know. I just can't help it. As a fat chick I'm always sizing up myself in relation to my surroundings. Will I fit into that booth? Can I squeeze by that person seated at a restaurant without ramming into them? Should I bother trying to shimmy past people seated in a movie theater, or should I just go around to the far side of the theater as to not disturb them? Will I fit through the turnstile to get on the subway? Aren't these dumb thoughts? I hate that I keep sizing myself up in pretty much every situation! It's a constant reminder that I'm fat. Just when my self-esteem seems rock solid, I make some little mental calculation that sends me spiraling into bad thoughts about my fat ass. Argh! It's frustrating.

Well Christmas time is nearing again. Every year I make up holiday cookies to pass out to co-workers. It's VERY hard to watch what you're eating when you are surrounded with sugar cookies! I probably should have broke tradition this year and skipped the annual sugar fest. But I'm a traditional kind of gal, and I didn't want to disappoint my friends. There I go again, always trying to please everyone! Anyway, I work with a bunch of foreigners, so it makes me feel special to share a little holiday cheer with people that don't make it home for the holidays. So I guess it means I make my cookies and ATTEMPT to have some self control. Ugh, that's tough! It's 9:30 in the morning, and I've already had a couple cookies! My new mantra: self control, self control, self control. Maybe I need to think of all those elevators every time I reach for another cookie.

#38 - I hate that I barely need to wear a coat in the winter!

The wind has started blowing and the chill of winter is upon us. My friends complain of the freezing temps, but it just doesn't seem to bother me. I'm still wearing my thin polar fleece jacket, unzipped no less. I hate that as a fat gal I'm always hot. When the winter comes, and everyone pulls out their favorite sweaters, I'm still sporting t-shirts all winter long. I work in one of those building where it's freezing in the summer and boiling in the winter, and I must say I'm miserable now that the heat has really started kicking in. I suppose I'm not unlike a sea lion that packs on blubber for the winter for protection, it's just that my blubber doesn't get used up by spring. Unfortunately I'm destined to be overly hot, no matter the season. Many of my co-workers are from balmy foreign lands and are very unaccustomed to the cold; therefore the thermostat is usually cranked up pretty high most of the time, sometimes as high as 80. It kills me. When no one is looking, I usually bring the temp down to a normal 72. I wish they would leave the thermostat alone. They can always put on more clothes. I, on the other hand, cannot strip off excess layers of fat and skin that easily. Boy that's another good reason to lose weight. I hate feeling hot! So maybe once the temps get below 30, then I'll actually pull out my winter coat.

I've been watching the Biggest Loser lately. Gosh, I love that show. It's so totally motivating to see people shed over a hundred pounds. It makes me see that with a lot of hard work, I too can accomplish my weight loss goals. I hate the statistics though. 98% of people that lose weight, inevitably gain it all back. That sucks! I'm hoping that though my small and manageable life changes I'm making (through nutrition and exercise) that I can be one of the 2% that actually manages to lose it and keep it off. Last night on BL, two of the former contestants returned to the show to help motivate and inspire the final four contestants. I was very surprised to see that Matt, who had lost over 100 pounds, had gained a significant amount of weight back. I'm glad he addressed this issue with everyone, and stated that he did rebound, but now he was working to lose it again. He realized that this isn't a one-time diet plan, it's something you need to work at the rest of your life. It's not like I can lose 140 pounds then return to a life full of cheesecake and laziness. I have to permanently commit to this. It's a bit daunting to think of life-long goals, isn't it? But I have to keep reminding myself: one day at a time. I clearly can't lose the weight overnight, and it's going to be a lot of work to keep it off, but all I can do now is to try my hardest each and every day.

#37 - I Hate the Media, for making us think a size 8 is fat!

Don't you just hate it? Open any fashion magazine, and you're confronted with images of tiny women, almost child-like, and are told that this is normal. Size 0 on a 5'9" woman is NOT normal. 5'8" and 100 pounds is NOT normal. The average American woman is about 5'4", 140 pounds and a size 14 - that's "normal". I was watching the Megan Mullally show the other day, and she made a comment that got me mad. She was saying that on her worst day, she's about a size 8, and that this was considered to be a total heifer in Hollywood. When she was on Will and Grace, one producer asked her to lose weight for her role as Karen. At least she was strong enough to make a comment back to the producer that if she truly wanted to portray a disfunctional lush from Manhattan, she'd probably be a little heavy, and that if they wanted a skinnier actress, they could ask someone else to do the role. That shut him up! But I hate that! When will the media stop portraying size 8 as fat? This is simply an unattainable goal for most women, and it leads to so many eating disorders, especially with very impressionable young girls.

I have to applaud the Spanish designers who, during fashion week in Barcelona, fired a few models for being too thin and unhealthy looking. Finally someone put their foot down to the anorexic look. If other designers follow their lead, maybe public opinions will start to change regarding what's fat and what's thin. Jean Paul Gaultier went even farther during fashion week in Paris and hired decidedly Rubenesque plus-size model Velvet to headline his opening. He ditched the size 0 models for a size 28 model! That may be going to an extreme, but at least he's making a good point: all women are beautiful. John Galliano also used plus-sized models during his show during fashion week. He also showcased Velvet and Veronique Severe. There are definitely plus-sized models that are crossing over to the mainstream, like Emme and Mia Tyler, but they are definitely NOT the norm yet. I'm not asking Victoria's Secret to swap their tiny size 0 models for size 28 gals, but it would be nice to see a few size 12s or 14s. It would be nice for everyone to have models to look up to that are not unrealistically thin. It would be nice for all the normal women of the world to realize that they are beautiful too, no matter what size they are.