#29 - Sugar Addiction/ Hypoglycemia

Most overweight people are clearly addicted to sugar (or carbs). We constantly snack and overeat. Everytime we try to diet we are plagued with hideous sugar craving that usually result in our failing to stick to a diet. It's a never ending cycle - eat too much sugar, insulin levels rise, insulin causes blood sugar to drop, the drop in blood sugar causes hunger, you eat, blood sugar rises, insulin levels rise, etc. etc. etc. In normal people, this cycle is tightly controlled, but in some individuals, sugar control is a problem. For some, when sugar is over consumed the blood sugar rises very high, which then means a lot of insulin is released, which then makes the blood sugar plummet, which then makes you feel starving, which means you then overeat to excess. It really sucks! The only times I've been free of my addiction is when I followed the Atkins diet - it basically breaks your sugar/insulin cycle and evens things out.

This weekend my sugar addiction fully manifested. I've always been a borderline hypoglycemic (low blood sugar), but it was never clinically diagnosed. I just always knew that if I waited too long between meals I would get cranky, tired, and sometimes woozy. For the past month or so I've been trying really hard to cut down on what I eat, but it turns out my strategy back-fired. I've managed to lose 18 pounds in the past month by cutting back on my calories. Yay me! Anyway, yesterday I was out and about, started my day with a normal breakfast, then stopped by the pharmacy to pick up a prescription. As I waited in line, I became very light-headed, I was even starting to see stars. I sat down and ate a granola bar from my purse - I figured my blood sugar dipped or something. But I just couldn't shake the dizziness, I had a hard time standing up. Luckily my pharmacy is in the same building as my Urgent Care facility. I decided to stop by the clinic for a quick check. As I started to check in (writing down my name and other info) I got super dizzy and for a second couldn't remember my name. Then my legs gave out on me and I slumped down. I freaked the receptionist out, and she rushed to my aide and got me some apple juice. I still felt really weird - I'd never had an episode that bad before - thank God it happened at the clinic. Anyway, long story short, my blood glucose was 50. Yikes, pretty low. I just don't know how this happened. I had just had breakfast maybe an hour or so before. Weird. So I went home, rested, ate good foods, went to bed. But then today the same thing happened, only this time I was at home and my legs gave out on me in my bedroom and I fell to the floor. I had a friend rush me back to the clinic, only to be told that my sugar was low and had I eaten anything. Duh! Of course, I ate. My question is , why can't I keep my blood sugar up? It just keeps falling. I been sick lately (kidney infection) so that may have aggravated my hypoglycemia. Also I've been on antibiotics which can cause hypoglycemia, so that might be the cause. Who knows?

My doctor today asked me about the dieting. When I told her I'd lost 18 pounds this month, she said that was way too fast for a hypoglycemic, and that I shouldn't cut back on my carbs so severely. I've never had a doctor tell me to eat more before, it was surreal! So I have all these books on hypoglycemia - I guess it's time I finally follow their advice! I guess it took me a weekend of fainting to realize my sugar really is out of control and that if I don't do something now, I could be in a lot of trouble!

#28 - I hate statements that start with, "If I were thin…"

I really hate that when I'm fat, I constantly think things like, "when I was thin I used to...", or "when I lose weight I will..." This really bugs me. I used to scuba dive, and recently a friend of mine has been talking about getting certified, which has made me think about diving again. But of course I've been thinking things like, "if I were skinny again, I would love to go diving." Why can't I do these things now you may ask? I guess a lot of these statements come from my body-consciousness. I worry about what I'd look like in a wet suit (eeww) or how much weight on my weight-belt would it take to keep me from floating (remember: fat floats). I hate that these thoughts prevent me from doing the things I'd like to do!

I've been reminiscing a lot lately, thinking about all the things I used to do when I was thin. It makes me sad. I was such an active fit person when I was younger and thinner. I miss that person that was me! Nothing ever held me back. If I wanted something, I would go for it. I never thought about my limitations or my fears. I really crave that freedom again. A lot of my emotional crap is bound up in this self-consciousness and self inflicted handicaps. I know that a lot of this is mental. Clearly many fat people are successful and pursue their dreams to the fullest. One way to work on this is to get over the fat and just be happy with who I am now. But I don't want to that, I don't want to sell myself short. I don't want to always be the fat girl! When I was thin (here we go again!), I was very attractive and had the attention of many guys. I want this again. I want to feel desired! I want to feel comfortable in my own skin. For me, this means losing weight. I don't, by any means, mean that I need to be "skinny". I would just like to be in the realm of normal sizes. I would really love someday to be able to make reverse comments like, "when I was fat, I was....".

OK, so one of the statements I constantly made in the past was, "if I were thinner, I would be able to date again". Ha! I don't need to say this anymore!!! This blog has really helped me with the emotional side of my limitations. I never thought I would be able to date at this weight. Why? I'm not happy with my appearance, so why would anyone find me attractive and want to date me? That's what I was always thinking. But I realized that I may not be completely happy with my weight, but I still love myself and think I am an attractive, fun, witty, sensual gal! What's not to like? So I put myself out there and started dating, and I met a super great guy that I really like who likes me back!

I will try my hardest to never make statements that begin with "if I were thinner..." ever again! When you make comments like this, you hold yourself back and set yourself up for failure and disappointment. Being fat is hard enough, with the critical outside world, why should we add a level of personal disdain? It's really time to start making proactive statements, and leave out qualifiers like "when" and "if"! So here we go... I am going be the best person I can be! I will seek to improve myself body and soul! I will be happy despite the size of my physical body!

#27 - Stomach Rolls

It's been far too long since I updated my blog. I've just been busy, busy, busy! I've been doing the whole online dating thing lately - ok at least the online meeting new people thing - it hasn't got to the actual dating yet. But now it seems I may have the opportunity to meet some guys in person, and that is what inspired this blog entry.

I hate that I have stomach rolls! Eeeewwwww! The sound of it is just gross - stomach rolls! I neverminded having a little stomach pooch, but outright rolls - gross! Nothing wrong with girls being soft and curvy, but to actually have rolls? What I'm really nervous about is actually getting naked in front of other people right now. The last time I had sex I was much more fit - still heavy, but not this obese. I just wonder how a guy would react to my body at this point. Although I have to consider, if he likes me with my clothes on, he already knows what he'd be getting into, so he would probably like me without my clothes too. Who knows?

I guess this falls into the category of yet another chick-body-conscious issue. It seems even perfect girls have hangups about something wrong with their bodies. I clearly know I have a lot of weight to lose, but should this stop me from having any fun now? If I find a man accepting of me at this size, why shouldn't I go for it? I mean what do I think will happen? Go on a date, good times, laughter, fun, a little kissing, a little stroking, make out, off comes the clothes, guy says "dear God I had no idea you were this fat". LOL Probably not! I guess I just need to get over it and just go for it! I'm the only one holding me back!!!