#24 - Ashamed to go to the gym

So as a fat person, I clearly don't work out enough. And clearly, I would lose weight if I worked out more. Many people are just lazy and don't want to work out, and that's partly why they're fat. OK, OK, reality check, "many people"...me included! So I know that I should work out more to better my health. What get's me is that when I actually get past the lazy part of not working out, and actually attempt to go to gym, something else stops me: I'm totally ashamed to go to the gym at this weight. I just hate the looks I get. Like, "who the hell are you fatso, sweatin' up our gym," or "I think the Dunkin' Donuts is down the block tubby." I've actually gotten past all of this redicule (both perceived and make-believe) and gone to the gym and work out anyway. But usually it takes just one or two stares to send me running for the door. Most of the time I'm sure my fellow gym mates are innocently looking my way when I perceive it as some personal attack. But there was that one time... I was working out at the gym at Yale. OK, right there it sets the stage for elitist assholes frequenting the joint, just keep that in your mind. Anyway, I was minding my own business, trotting along on the eliptical rider, when this woman on a nearby machine looks over to me. Now she didn't merely look, she sized me up. She looked me up and down and up and down again. I couldn't believe how much she was staring, so of course to attempt to avert her gaze, I made eye contact with her. When someone makes eye contact with you, don't you normally look away, embarrassed that you were caught staring? No, not this woman. She continued to stare. So I don't know this lady's story, maybe she was a struggling anorexic looking to me for inspiration, or maybe she thinking how much I looked like her mother or something. But I what I got from here stare was, "damn, you are so fat!" Clearly much of this is in my head. I need to realize that losing weight is one of the reasons people go to the gym in first place. Maybe most people only need to lose 10 or 20 pounds when I need to lose 120, but still, it should be a place for all people to feel comfortable to work out, lose weight and get healthy. I can't change the opinions of those anorexic bitches that glare with hatred, but I can learn to let it roll off my back and push past the uncomfortable feelings I get. So once again, I hate feeling ashamed to go to the gym when I'm this fat!

#23 - Backaches!

I hate that when I'm this heavy, I always have a backache. I know I'm getting older, and many folks complain of having a backache, but I know mine is directly related to being fat. When I was 70 pounds lighter two years ago, I did not suffer from backaches. I especially hate it when I'm cooking or cleaning around the house. After about 15 minutes of standing up, my back feels like it's on fire! This really makes it hard to start an exercise program. Every time I do ANYTHING, my back hurts! How am I supposed to go walking or running if I can't even stand up very long without having pain? This is a huge motivation for losing weight. I just remember two years ago when I had lost that 70 pounds, that my backaches were never an issue. I totally forgot about all the back pain until I gained all this weight back. It's totally a nuisance! Note to self: lose weight so I can stand up for more than 15 minutes!!!

My "try" to eat healthy plan is really working. I've just been trying to eat less, snack less, make better choices, drink more water, and eat more fruits and veggies. Just doing this has allowed me to easily lose 12 pounds in the past two weeks or so. I'm trying not to obsess about tracking my weight. Every time I get crazy about weight loss, all I do is think about food and my plan backfires! So now, I'm just making little goals, like - lose 5 pounds. But this time, I'm not imposing time limits on myself. I usually make lofty goals like - lose 5 pounds in two weeks. This always fails! Inevitably, I don't lose the weight in the allotted time and I feel bad about myself and then gain the weight back. I've actually been pissed at myself when I've only lost 1 or 2 pounds in a week! How stupid is that? I'm still losing, just not as fast as my stupid little goal. So this time, I'm making sure I realize any weight lost is a success. There needn't be any time restriction on weight loss. Hell, it took me more than 15 years to gain it all, why on Earth do I think I can lose it all in less than a year?!? So, I have lost 12 pounds now and I don't care how long it took me! My goal , for now, is to lose 5 more. That's it. I'm not going to plan way far into the future! I'm happy that I'm losing now!

#22 - Name Calling

Long time, no blog! It's been a while since I've updated my blog. But I'm back by popular demand (*thanks* AD). So I've managed to stay 10 pounds down on the scale - ok really I gained the 12 pounds I'd lost back and then relost 10 of them. Oh well, the yo-yo continues! I really want to go back to Weight Watchers, but money is SUPER tight right now, so I've got to do it on my own for a bit yet. A structured program really helps me lose weight easier, but I'll give it a go on my own now. My current self-imposed program consists of "trying" to watch what I eat - that's about it. So far so good, though. I've lost about 10 pounds in about 2 weeks or so. Yea me!

OK so back to the blog topic: name calling. I really haven't encountered this too much lately. But when thinking about why I hate being fat, I recall particular episodes in my life. Don't get me wrong - people call me names - just not to my face. I can walk around in public and see someone make eye-contact with me, then turn to their significant other or friend and whisper a comment. It's so blatantly obvious and hurtful. But wtf, what can you do? I recall a specific time when I was in college, I was on vacation in Chicago with my boyfriend, and we were visiting all the local tourist haunts. We were walking into Shedd Aquarium and passed by a few buses of school children, clearly leaving the aquarium after a field trip. As I walked past the bus, a couple boys opened the bus window, leaned out and shouted, "Moooooo". Isn't that nice? I loved being mocked by little kids, who are inventive enough to imitate a cow in my presence. Nice! But you know, kids are kids, you can't blame them for everything. The thing that gets to me the most about this episode is the fact that it gets to me this much. Still, after almost 15 years, I clearly remember the sting of that comment. How one little kid took my self esteem and squashed it. For this reason, I hate being fat!