#21 - Table or booth?

I hate that I wonder if I'll fit into a booth at a restaurant. I've only had one experience where I didn't quite fit into the booth - strange, uncomfortable situation where I quickly told the waitress, "No, I really don't like this table. Can I sit there [at a table]?" That was embarrassing! I really hate booths that have oversized tables. You know the ones, the ones where you feel like you need a booster seat. I end up feeling like Edith Ann (Lily Tomlin's little girl character that sits in a giant rocking chair). I hate these booths, because, as a large woman, not only don't I fit into the booth, but my boobs hang over the oversized table! I feel like I might dip my bosies in the soup!

This week has been pretty great actually. Started working out again! Yeah me! Still trying to watch what I eat. But the biggest surprise came from my bathroom scale. I've been weighing myself pretty much everyday (I know I should only weigh weekly or something), anyway, I've been stuck fluctuating between the same 5 pounds for a couple weeks. Then I weighed myself and the scale said I was 230 pounds (hello - I'm around 300 - where did that # come from?!?). I have a scale that is supposed to last for like ten years or something (a permanent lithium ion battery). Apparently my scale is fffuuuccccckkkkked! So I wondered, how long has the scale been funky? My mom tells me she used my scale the week before and it said she was like ten pounds heavier than she really is. Hmmmm. I wondered if I had actually lost more weight than the scale let on. So I weighed myself on my mom's scale...lo and behold, it turns out I really hadn't been bouncing around those same five pounds after all - I lost 8 pounds!!!! So it turns out I've managed to lose about 12 pounds total in the past 4 weeks! I guess this Weight Watchers thing really does work!!!

#20 - I hate that I might die if I don't lose weight!

Sometimes I get these awful feelings like I might be dying or something! Like if I get too winded doing something and feel a little light-headed, I fear that I might be stroking out. I feel like I'm a walking heart attack just waiting to blow! I've had a physical recently, and my exam and bloodwork are ok - I don't think I'm ACTUALLY on the brink of death, but I worry anyway! I just don't want to be one of those statistics. You know, "oh you remember Jenny, she died from a stroke at 32," "What a shame, she was morbidly obese you know." "She brought it on herself." Doesn't that just sound terrible - MORBIDLY OBESE (in layman's terms morbidly obese = deadly fat!). I even used a program the other day, to track my calories and weight, that told me I had extreme morbid obesity - dear God, that's awful! My dad died when he was 51 from a brain aneurysm. I don't want to die early like he did, but from a condition that I have control over! That would be a shame!!!

#19 - Worrying if plastic outdoor chairs will hold me

Summer is here, and for the fat person comes worries that thin people never think about. I'm always nervous about sitting in outdoor plastic chairs. I really worry I might break one. When I sit in them, I can feel the strain in the plastic, and I can feel the chair sway a little back and forth under my girth. I've got wrought iron chairs in my backyard, so I at least I can enjoy summer in my own backyard. In the summer I hate eating at outdoor restaurants because most of them use plastic tables and chairs. My ultimate fear would be to be in a public place and to sit in one of those chairs only to break it and go tumbling down to the ground. Wouldn't that be totally embarrassing?!? If I ever want to have a worry-free summer - I must lose weight!!!

This week has been interesting. I've continued to faithfully journal everything I eat. At first it was easy to stay in a normal calorie range, but then, for the past few days, I've been totally ravenous! I think I may be PMSing or something. Anyway, over the course of the week I regained and then relost the 3.5 pounds I'd originally lost. Long story short, I'm at the exact same weight I was last week. No complaints though - I'm still down a few pounds! My goal for the next week is to continue to journal and to TRY to eat within a healthy calorie range.

#18 - Feeling Self-conscious

When I was thinner I never worried incessantly about how I looked - I looked good, and I knew it. I hate that now I'm always thinking, "Do I look fat in this?", "I should stand up straighter so I don't look as fat.", "Does my hair look bad, does it make me look fat?". This list of worries goes on, and on. The fatter I am, the more I'm self-conscious. You'd think that I realize it's the fat that makes me feel this way, and that I would correct my obesity. But no, I just worry, worry, worry instead. I remember being in high school, being 145 pounds, having guys constantly flirt with me, feeling very confident, and having very little concern about how I looked. I really want to get back to those days (though I fear I will never weigh 145 again). I would just like to get up someday and put on an outfit without worrying if I look too fat in it.

My journaling and calorie counting is going pretty good. I managed to stay pretty close to the calorie range I'd like to be eating. I'm a little frustrated though. I've been REALLY good for the past three days with no weight loss. I know, I know. I must be patient. I didn't gain this weigh overnight, so it will take a while to lose it. It's just that I lost 3.5 pounds as soon as I started and then stopped losing all of the sudden. Granted I've only been journaling for 7 days, and a 3.5 weight loss in 7 days is phenomenal! I'm just totally impatient!!!

#17 - Having my picture taken

When I'm this heavy, I hate having my picture taken. I'm always so surprised I am so fat when I see myself in pictures (it's that reverse-body-dismorphic-syndrome). I appear way fatter than I think I am in photos. I recently had my driver's license renewed and had to take a new mug-shot. Eewww! I hate the photo; I seemed to have grown three chins! Why couldn't I have renewed my license when I was 75 pounds thinner, just a year ago? That would have been a much better picture! Anyhoo, when I see myself in recent photos, it really motivates me to lose weight (it also gets me a bit depressed, though). Maybe I need to post pics of myself around the house as motivation to keep me going.

I've been pretty good lately, still journaling my food. I'm still down 3.5 pounds! Yeah! My mom made cupcakes yesterday...must resist...must resist the cupcakes... It has been a struggle to eat healthy with a mom that keeps pumping crap into the house! I can't blame her entirely, though. I buy a lot of the junk, too. Another goal I guess! Eat less junk food!

#16 - Unable to do the activities I want to do

I hate that I am unable to do the activities I want to do - hiking, camping, running, skiing, kayaking, scuba diving, parasailing, etc... I get so winded, so easy that I just don't do the activities I like to do for fear that I just can't do it physically. I'm also always paranoid that my fatness will embarrass me. For example, I would never go parasailing for fear that I am too fat. Or, I would never go kayaking because I'd be afraid I wouldn't fit in the hole of the boat! So it's really a blend of physical inability and fear. I really want to hike more often - and not just a couple blocks worth. I really would love to scuba dive again without the fear of finding a wetsuit that would fit and enough weights to hold me down under water (fat floats!). More motivation to lose!!!

This week has been awesome. I told myself that all I had to accomplish this week was to journal my eating. I have (using FitDay PC - awesome program) tracked since last Thursday, and it's going great. I haven't been perfect, but I've managed to lose 3.5 pounds already! Seriously, I think it's just a matter of tracking what you eat. If you're more aware of what you're eating, you just seem to eat less! I still need to work on my consumption of sweets, but I'll save that project for another week.

I've been feeling better about myself lately and decided I'd like to start dating again. I even signed up at Match.com and eHarmony.com to see what would happen. I don't know...I'm skeptical, but I'll give it a try. Wish me luck!