#15 - Feeling Sexy

This post ties in with my last one (#14 - Dating). Being fat, I'm not sexy like I used be. I feel like I have this sexy vixen trapped inside me, but this fat body keeps me from acting on my emotions. When I was thinner (in high school) I used to be a real sexy babe, with guys chasing after me. Now, I still feel the same inside, only I don't get the same attention I used from guys. I spend so much time worrying about my appearance and telling myself I look awful. As a result (from feeling bad about it) I don't spend much time making myself look pretty, like primping my hair and wearing make-up. I've gotten to the point where I don't think it matters - no one's looking anyway, right?

So I had surgery three weeks ago (to remove a medical implant that was causing a lot of problems and chronic illness). I'm starting to feel a lot better now. For the past year I've been so sick that I didn't care about what I ate - I ate everything I wanted to make me feel better. While it helped me cope, it also helped me gain 75 pounds in a little over a year. Yikes!!! Two years ago I had lost 68 pounds - so I know I can lose it again. I just need to start again.

It is so hard to start up a new diet. I have so many excuses. I feel like I have to wait until after the holidays (like Memorial Day), or start on a Monday or a new month or whatever. Yes I can start a diet plan mid-week - why is this so hard to do? So anyway, I now I'm at my highest weight again, and I desperately need to start a new program. Because of my surgery I can't exercise for another three weeks (it was abdominal surgery and my surgeon doesn't want me to risk a hernia). So again, another excuse not to start.

I planned to go back to Weight Watchers this month, but money is really tight and I can't afford it now. So I'm on my own. I've been on virtually every diet known to man - so I do know how to eat right - I just need to do it! Back when I lost the most weight two years ago, I wasn't even on a plan - I just wrote down everything I ate and kept my calories between 1500-1800, and was able to shed about 2-3 pounds a week. My goal this week is to start a new eating plan and stick to it!

#14 - Dating

Dating propects are not so good for the ample proportioned. I hate the double-standard though. Fat girls never seem to get the guy, but fat guys always seem to find someone to date. I hate this! I've seen really ugly and/or fat guys with cute skinny girls. What gives? You never see a fat chick with a hot stud! And the thing is you'd expect fat guys to be attracted to fat girls - not so! Fat guys seem extra appalled by fat girls - maybe a reminder of their own obesity.

I haven't dated in a LONG time. I won't even go into specifics. I'll only say that I actually can't recall the details of the last time I got laid. How sad! Don't get me wrong - I've had offers, only they were from very scary and/or disgusting men! I still have standards. My last boyfriend was model beautiful, so my Mr. Right has very large shoes to fill!

I've heard of these bars called Goddess Bars, where heavy girls can meet men who are interested in fat girls. I'm reluctant though, I don't plan on being heavy forever, and I'm a little scared of these chubby chasers. It sounds kind of fetishistic. But I guess it'd be a way to get back on the horse, so to speak.

Alternatively, I can just lose weight, and find my Mr. Right. You know, I really want to find a man that doesn't care about weight, etc., but finding a man period is impossible when you're fat. It's like I have to lose weight to find a guy, and then determine if he's open to larger women. What a weird mess!

#13 - Sweating

Yes, it is true - fat people sweat more than the average Joe. I just had some people over for my birthday today (yeah - happy birthday me!). As more people came into my house, the temperature in the room began to rise. By the time everyone left the party, I was a sweaty mess. Ok, I'm not like dripping with sweat or anything, but my hair got all stringy because I kept wiping perspiration from my forehead. I don't think I produce as much sweat as some fat people. I don't leave behind a trail of sweat when I get up off of a chair or anything. Eeeewww! I'm reminded of the poor people you see with Richard Simmons, you know the ones that require forklifts (ooo, that's harsh). Anyway, I'm not that sweaty, but it's irritating. Everyone else around me is cool and dry, and I'm moist and hot. Yet another reason to lose weight!!!