9.22.2006

#28 - I hate statements that start with, "If I were thin…"

I really hate that when I'm fat, I constantly think things like, "when I was thin I used to...", or "when I lose weight I will..." This really bugs me. I used to scuba dive, and recently a friend of mine has been talking about getting certified, which has made me think about diving again. But of course I've been thinking things like, "if I were skinny again, I would love to go diving." Why can't I do these things now you may ask? I guess a lot of these statements come from my body-consciousness. I worry about what I'd look like in a wet suit (eeww) or how much weight on my weight-belt would it take to keep me from floating (remember: fat floats). I hate that these thoughts prevent me from doing the things I'd like to do!

I've been reminiscing a lot lately, thinking about all the things I used to do when I was thin. It makes me sad. I was such an active fit person when I was younger and thinner. I miss that person that was me! Nothing ever held me back. If I wanted something, I would go for it. I never thought about my limitations or my fears. I really crave that freedom again. A lot of my emotional crap is bound up in this self-consciousness and self inflicted handicaps. I know that a lot of this is mental. Clearly many fat people are successful and pursue their dreams to the fullest. One way to work on this is to get over the fat and just be happy with who I am now. But I don't want to that, I don't want to sell myself short. I don't want to always be the fat girl! When I was thin (here we go again!), I was very attractive and had the attention of many guys. I want this again. I want to feel desired! I want to feel comfortable in my own skin. For me, this means losing weight. I don't, by any means, mean that I need to be "skinny". I would just like to be in the realm of normal sizes. I would really love someday to be able to make reverse comments like, "when I was fat, I was....".

OK, so one of the statements I constantly made in the past was, "if I were thinner, I would be able to date again". Ha! I don't need to say this anymore!!! This blog has really helped me with the emotional side of my limitations. I never thought I would be able to date at this weight. Why? I'm not happy with my appearance, so why would anyone find me attractive and want to date me? That's what I was always thinking. But I realized that I may not be completely happy with my weight, but I still love myself and think I am an attractive, fun, witty, sensual gal! What's not to like? So I put myself out there and started dating, and I met a super great guy that I really like who likes me back!

I will try my hardest to never make statements that begin with "if I were thinner..." ever again! When you make comments like this, you hold yourself back and set yourself up for failure and disappointment. Being fat is hard enough, with the critical outside world, why should we add a level of personal disdain? It's really time to start making proactive statements, and leave out qualifiers like "when" and "if"! So here we go... I am going be the best person I can be! I will seek to improve myself body and soul! I will be happy despite the size of my physical body!

2 comments:

Kat E said...

you rock, you know that? ;)

karaokekitty17 said...

Thanks for reminding me! I try! :)