7.31.2006

#24 - Ashamed to go to the gym

So as a fat person, I clearly don't work out enough. And clearly, I would lose weight if I worked out more. Many people are just lazy and don't want to work out, and that's partly why they're fat. OK, OK, reality check, "many people"...me included! So I know that I should work out more to better my health. What get's me is that when I actually get past the lazy part of not working out, and actually attempt to go to gym, something else stops me: I'm totally ashamed to go to the gym at this weight. I just hate the looks I get. Like, "who the hell are you fatso, sweatin' up our gym," or "I think the Dunkin' Donuts is down the block tubby." I've actually gotten past all of this redicule (both perceived and make-believe) and gone to the gym and work out anyway. But usually it takes just one or two stares to send me running for the door. Most of the time I'm sure my fellow gym mates are innocently looking my way when I perceive it as some personal attack. But there was that one time... I was working out at the gym at Yale. OK, right there it sets the stage for elitist assholes frequenting the joint, just keep that in your mind. Anyway, I was minding my own business, trotting along on the eliptical rider, when this woman on a nearby machine looks over to me. Now she didn't merely look, she sized me up. She looked me up and down and up and down again. I couldn't believe how much she was staring, so of course to attempt to avert her gaze, I made eye contact with her. When someone makes eye contact with you, don't you normally look away, embarrassed that you were caught staring? No, not this woman. She continued to stare. So I don't know this lady's story, maybe she was a struggling anorexic looking to me for inspiration, or maybe she thinking how much I looked like her mother or something. But I what I got from here stare was, "damn, you are so fat!" Clearly much of this is in my head. I need to realize that losing weight is one of the reasons people go to the gym in first place. Maybe most people only need to lose 10 or 20 pounds when I need to lose 120, but still, it should be a place for all people to feel comfortable to work out, lose weight and get healthy. I can't change the opinions of those anorexic bitches that glare with hatred, but I can learn to let it roll off my back and push past the uncomfortable feelings I get. So once again, I hate feeling ashamed to go to the gym when I'm this fat!

3 comments:

Bronwen said...

i've been one of those anorexic bitches - but that's not what i was thinking. i was thinking 'i bet she ate today, something nice, not fair, i'm so fucking hungry, what would i eat ...(enter fantasy food scene)... woah keep holding on, shit am i going to faint? breath breath, ... etc etc.
see - none of it was actually about you! even if i zoned out with my eyes in your direction chances are i probably couldn't even focus on you through all the stars and fuzziness - if i registered anything, it was probably jealousy.

Anonymous said...

This is crazy. I started reading these today at work and I think I hate this problem the worst with losing weight. I'm 21 and I just weighed myself yesterday and weighed in at 344lbs. It probably one of the heaviest weights I've been at my whole life. Every time I go to the gym I feel like im mocking the people who actually go there all time and are consistent in keeping there bodies in shape.

Anna said...

Anorexia is a psychological disorder, just as compulsive overeating is a psychological disorder. I've seen you call thin girls "anorexic bitches," and "anorexic chicks," a few times in your blog, and honestly it's a bit insulting. As someone with a past eating disorder, being anorexia is just as horrible, both physically and emotionally, as being obese. Please be careful when lumping thin and anorexic together, especially in a derogatory way.

But your blog is great, otherwise. Best of luck on your journey!